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Becoming anti-social as I age and became a dad? Depression?

monkey00

By monkey00
in General Relationship Discussion

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monkey00 Established Member

monkey00

Posted
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Since getting married and having my first born, I've noticed as time goes by I've gotten more and more anti-social and less interested in social activities. I also understand now that my personal time is of high-priority.

 

I think the problem for me is that I've lost interest in getting to know people or want to go out and do things with friends or maintain friendships. My one best friend if I'm lucky, I'll see him once every few weeks or few months. I almost feel like I'm slowly becoming a hermit between family-time, chores, work, responsibilities, and family time between my and my wife's family. If me and my wife are lucky, once in a blue moon we will take turns to watch our son while each of us gets to go out to do social activities with friends/co-workers.

 

Both me and my wife work full-time and we take turns taking our kid to and pick him up from day care.

 

I honestly don't know how how families with kids manage their time, or if they do it better than me. And if they do, there must be some secret. The dads I've spoken to who have a stay at home wife seem to have a it a little easier. Often I wonder if I suffer from depression as I definitely have lost interest in a lot of activities and hobbies.

 

How do you manage your time as a family person while maintaining friendships? What kind of mentality do you have?

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted
What kind of mentality do you have?

 

i'm just mental :laugh:...no, on a more serious note i think you are fairly normal. when life becomes hectic with kids, spouses, family, work, etc. we tend to really cherish our alone time. i think you're fine monkey00

 

cheers, alpha

  • Like 2
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Yeah, sounds pretty normal and I noticed it a lot in my late 20's since most friends had kids by that time and proceeded to prioritize internal family stuff over external social stuff. Made sense to me. It wasn't anti-social, rather a change in social focus, change which has proceeded throughout life, ebbing and flowing as time and circumstances dictated.

 

I learned one method of handling it from my parents who had a schedule of social commitments that my child needs and wants didn't alter. Basically I wasn't the center of the family, their marriage was. Once old enough, around 7 or 8, I was expected to go off and do things on my own on an everyday basis and participating in their social life with friends and colleagues wasn't negotiable. Those were great lessons in boundaries, not to mention having some really good times with adults at a young age.

 

My bet is you and your spouse will settle on a style that works for you. Some folks are more outgoing and social and some are more internal and family-focused. It's your lives.

 

One thing I have noted with male friends who chose their lives to revolve around family, kids mostly, and work is that, once the kids are gone and work ends, they sometimes seem a bit lost as people who they thought were friends disappear. However, that's long down the road of your life. It'll work out.

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monkey00 Established Member

monkey00

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Thanks for the expected responses I suppose. Good to hear I'm still sane and this is totally normal for someone in my phase of life.

 

I agree carhill, it's not so much I'm anti-social. It's also just choosing wisely who I speak with and about what topic. I guess the days of passionate conversations are over...especially with people my age. Which seem to be complacent or nonchalant about a lot of things apparently. Which kind of frustrates me as well at the same time.

 

I guess it is a little sad I'm losing friendships and touch with people I've known for years. The problem also is a lot of my other friends still don't have kids. I think part of the 'problem' as you can call it that is that my wife has a huge family, so she relies on them to be an important part of our social network. I on the other hand have a small family. I think if we lived somewhere far where we were forced to make friends with other young couples and young families, maybe things could be a little different. Or maybe I would still be the same.

 

I think the biggest regret or worry I have is I'll wind up like my parents, who have no friends, were never close to our relatives, and all they had were their jobs and us (me and my siblings).

 

Being a dad and husband is great and all but a large part of me also wonders if I have a higher purpose and if this is all there is to life. I guess I am overall a little sad about the whole lifestyle change also.

Edited by monkey00
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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Most people with kids just give up and do nothing but.

 

I'm going to make this suggestion and I want you and your wife to take it seriously because you are losing your edge here, Mister.

 

Find a babysitter. Now. No, don't wait until they're in school or daycare because you're at work those hours anyway. Then start by using that babysitter to free both you and your wife up for a real date night at least once a month, and then each of you provide the other a relief day or evening once a month. That's two "vacations" a month for each of you to connect with friends, connect with each other not over slobber and sticky bits and for you each to clear your head.

 

It's costs a little but it's worth it. And if you have any money left over and really want to rejuvenate your marriage and make your wife beam with appreciation for her husband, bring in a housecleaner to do the deep cleaning once a month. Probably about $120.

 

You both need a break from it. Everyone does. Kids are identity-destroying parasites if you don't take time for yourself.

  • Like 3
Lilyana76 Established Member

Lilyana76

Posted
Posted

I'm a single mom of 3, I don't get to go out and socialize often. I have two best friends, and they come visit me, which helps. I hardly ever get out if its not to work, school, kids activities, or some other kid event. This probably explains why my date calendar has been empty for quite a few months.

 

I love my babies, but preraph is right, you need to get away from them for some time for you! Babysitters, grandparents, anyone can help you with that. My ex husband hasn't taken his kids for a weekend visitation in the almost two years we have been divorced. I rely on my 15 year old to watch her younger brothers so I can get a break. The other night, I went to a movie, alone. It helped me unwind, plus since it wasn't a date I didn't have to focus on someone else during the movie. (I saw Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Funny, I recommend it).

 

Take your wife for walks, have someone keep an eye on the kiddos for a little bit and just go for a long walk alone together. It's worth it. You need to find some time!

 

You are completely normal... Those of us with kids have all been there, feeling like we're anti social freaks... It will get better, at least thats what I tell myself lol

  • Like 1
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted

Sounds like you are one of a lot of us.....Steadily on the way to being another cynical curmudgeon like the rest of us older guys...:p

 

My observation are the one's that fare better are the one's with alcohol and substance abuse issues...I think they are better able to cope...

 

We all die sooner than the ladies...Maybe there is a sensible reason...

 

TFY

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monkey00 Established Member

monkey00

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Most people with kids just give up and do nothing but.

 

I'm going to make this suggestion and I want you and your wife to take it seriously because you are losing your edge here, Mister.

 

Find a babysitter. Now. No, don't wait until they're in school or daycare because you're at work those hours anyway. Then start by using that babysitter to free both you and your wife up for a real date night at least once a month, and then each of you provide the other a relief day or evening once a month. That's two "vacations" a month for each of you to connect with friends, connect with each other not over slobber and sticky bits and for you each to clear your head.

 

It's costs a little but it's worth it. And if you have any money left over and really want to rejuvenate your marriage and make your wife beam with appreciation for her husband, bring in a housecleaner to do the deep cleaning once a month. Probably about $120.

 

You both need a break from it. Everyone does. Kids are identity-destroying parasites if you don't take time for yourself.

 

Thanks. Those are good points for a true reality check we need to reflect on. I think we've just been too caught up in the routine of caring for someone else that it's just hard for us to break out of the mold we've created for ourselves since his birth. There has been countless days where I've felt like I'm stuck in the twilight zone. Everyone can certainly agree that kids are a major life changer, but I don't think I could've imagined my life becoming so drastically different.

 

Unfortunately kids have a way of zapping the romance and enjoyment from the relationship. I've felt distant and uninterested in expressing signs of affection with my wife, especially the past few months. I do feel bad as my wife has tried to show me affection but I just tend to ignore it when she does. Of course we still do the occasional kiss greeting and kiss departing. Some days I do question my feelings about our relationship. I will say that it does not help that she's always had low libido, which just hurts our relationship more.

 

Several months ago we've joked about seeing a couples counselor, but I don't necessarily think we're at that stage yet. I don't know if us going on real dates more often will help, but it can be worth a shot. I also kind of feel like we wouldn't have much to talk about on a date since we see each other every day anyway. I really hope I don't sound selfish for saying this, but when there is free time...I prefer 'me' time over 'we' time. I just find that it helps me to unwind better whenever I can.

 

About the nanny, that could be a good idea. My mom actually has been retired and wants to spend more time with her grandson, I think I only did it once where she watched him overnight and it felt freeing for the both of us. I could suggest us do it more often as well as the same to my parents-in-law.

 

Housekeeping might be something worth considering if they came every 2 or 3 weeks. My argument is I don't like wasting money on something I can do on my own. However my wife's argument is our time is valuable and we should spend money where we can, to make the most of the free time we do have. I guess it's just a difference in monetary priorities.

 

Regarding relationships outside of marriage – I think for me, one if my biggest challenges is making friends outside of work. My Social network only comprises of 1 or 2 friends that are actually reliable. I've actually done a worse job in maintaining my relationships since marriage compared to my wife. I don't know any families who are able to make friends with other adults unless it's through some school related activity.

 

My observation are the one's that fare better are the one's with alcohol and substance abuse issues...I think they are better able to cope...

 

Might be some truth to this in an escapist kind of way. People need to cope somehow I guess? Even if it's not the most ideal way :confused:

Not sure if this counts but in my 20's me and my friend used to be a regular at this local bar, every weekend we went we would run into a guy there drinking a few beers every weekend night by himself. He was there despite his wife and kids being home. I always thought that was a little weird, but he probably used it as a way to unwind. Either that he had a real drinking problem.

 

I'm a single mom of 3, I don't get to go out and socialize often. I have two best friends, and they come visit me, which helps. I hardly ever get out if its not to work, school, kids activities, or some other kid event. This probably explains why my date calendar has been empty for quite a few months.

 

I love my babies, but preraph is right, you need to get away from them for some time for you! Babysitters, grandparents, anyone can help you with that. My ex husband hasn't taken his kids for a weekend visitation in the almost two years we have been divorced. I rely on my 15 year old to watch her younger brothers so I can get a break. The other night, I went to a movie, alone. It helped me unwind, plus since it wasn't a date I didn't have to focus on someone else during the movie. (I saw Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Funny, I recommend it).

 

Take your wife for walks, have someone keep an eye on the kiddos for a little bit and just go for a long walk alone together. It's worth it. You need to find some time!

 

You are completely normal... Those of us with kids have all been there, feeling like we're anti social freaks... It will get better, at least thats what I tell myself lol

 

Props to you for being a single mom of 3! I think that's amazing. I can't imagine how couples do it with 3 these days, let alone being a single parent. You've probably gotten it a lot more figured out than I have. ;)

Edited by monkey00
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

This is normal unless you are a movie star or something.

 

It will get better once the kids get older (upper teens+). Patience is the key here.

 

Just make sure that by the time that happens that you and your wife have not disconnected too much from each other.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

You have to FIGHT to get some of your old life back after children. It's too easy to just become totally engulfed, and I get the guilt. I feel bad if I leave my freaking dogs overnight. But with kids, remember you are also the role model for showing them how to be a happy adult, so you owe it to them to keep live in balance and hold onto your identity and have one-on-one stress-free time with your wife. So glad you have a willing free nanny. Go have a nice day somewhere. Get a room or a cabin or have a picnic or take a drive in the country. Just go.

  • Like 2
Rouik Member

Rouik

Posted
Posted

Its hard, with a toddler at home my wife and I get very little time like we did before having a child. Biggest thing is be intentional with the time you do get, remember that your wife is probably in the same shoes so every now and then find a babysitter and the two of you go out and reconnect with one another and friends. I have heard that after the children get a little older more free time will open up, so its just a season of life every one with kids will go through. Good luck.

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