Is NC a way to go if she is thinking about us?

[sumiron]

We met 70 days ago.

Distance is 1000Km.

Plenty of connection, chemical reaction between us, blushing..i get her number, we talked a lot.

I am afc, wuss type guy. I was too needy. Instead of keeping hot emotions i overdid it - talking for whole night, about every possible topic everyday.

She was very excited. She is just like me a virgin above 30 yo, she was in plenty of relationships and i was only in 2.

I wrote her poems about my feeling to her everyday.

 

I met her after 20 days of constant talking. We kiss a lot.

Plenty of touching. I told her i love her. She told me she need time.

I returned home, still good, everyday i talk to her that i love her, almost 10 times a day, she is happy with it, she tells me she feels nice. She talks about me to her parents. They are happy for her.

Everything goes fine.

But i feel some fuel is gone.

I give her plenty of energy, she not.

In the beginning when she was fascinated she calls me, she text me, now only i have to do everything.

She lost attraction.

 

Later after few calls from my side when she did not answer she tells me that she has to think about it, if there is a sense of continuation of this relationship of ours.

 

I am shocked, reads a lot. realized that i did everything wrong.

I milked up this relationship, extracted all the juice from it.

Destroyed everything by my neediness.

Instead of keep her hanging, instead of making her addicted i gave her everything and constantly was checking if i can still love her by telling her that i love her.

 

Now, she left me with words that need to think.

I did not contacted her for 5 days. Total silence.

After 5 days she texted me that she want to talk with me.

I did not respond because i was afraid that she want to officially break up.

Or maybe just talk. I was not sure.

After whole day of silence i replied "no, i am tired and going to sleep'.

No contact since then. (4 days).

 

I feel that my heart is separating from her.

I am started to see that i gave her too much.

She is fading away.

Natural process of grieve is working - in the beginning i was constantly crying, now i am not, i am more happy.

 

Yes, i am typical mr nice guy from Glover book.

 

But anyway - i would like to try with her again, on different basis - where i am already smarter.

 

I am going to wait some more days, like in the book of Ryan hall - Pull Your Ex Back.

 

But i want to know something - if i replied her that i am tired and going to sleep when she wanted to call me, did i not broke something?

She didnt officially break up with me.

5 days of total silence - her text - my rejection - and from 4 days there is total silence again.

She likes meditation so she could remove her thoughts about me from her mind.

What now?

[sumiron]

Or maybe it is not NC but silent treatment?

I dont know...

Before that i as normally tried to contact her, she received my messages, read them but did not respond, not answering calls for 3 days.

Then once when i called she did not answered but called me back.

 

Then she told me that she is thinking if our relationship has any sense.

But she was too tired to talk.

So i told her lets talk another day.

Since this point i didnt contacted her for those 5 days.

She wanted to talk but i texted her: "not today, i am tired ..going to sleep".

 

And since then its 4 days of total silence.

 

what are your advises?

[sumiron]

In shortcut: summary:

We met - (1000KM distance) very good connection, instant love-after returning home we talk very long everyday because i am too needy and too nice, her signs of neediness day by day are weaker, from craziness and calling every hour, texting me what i am doing to less and less...while mine are at very high level the less she write the more i do it-we met with lot of kissing, touching i tell her love her-from now on i see her interest is even more weak my neediness is beyond all possible levels, is almost disgusting for her-she gives me silent treatment, i learn a lot from books, i give her the same st, she tries to call me i reject her and st continues from both sides.

What now?

[sumiron]

throughout this relation, those 70 days it looked like this:

 

she was very needy but when she started to see my neediness

[which i tried to hide until the point to see that she is into me]

my neediness became more and more disgusting to her and she was less and less needy.

 

The beginning phase of her was very desperate.

She was calling me and telling that she thinks about me all day long, that she is hot inside thinking about me.

That she feels like this relationship is above this world.

That this is for her best time to be with someone like me.

She was totally excited and couldn't stop talking to me nice things.

 

This made me sure that she wants me but i went too far...i became much more needy than she.

So she stopped to receiving my calls and texts for few days.

I realized it, what i have done and also stopped contacting her.

She tried to contact me but i was really tired and told that to her.

Also i didnt know why she is trying to contact me - to break up or to talk. (because she told me that she thinks if our relation has any reason to exist)

And since then its silence.

 

What to do to extinguish mine desperation from her mind and excite, fire up desire for me as it was in the beginning?

Edited June 2, 2017 by sumiron

[Chilli]

well , me, l say you should have talked to her when she rang and wanted to. or say could l call you back in an hour or something , but not l'm going to sleep. Thats playing games and that just makes things worse so if yoy do care when she came tp you wanting to talk, not a good move.

But l'd say that's started this whole thing now, whatever she wanted to talk about that night.

 

Why don't you just call her and talk about it.

And from there if you guys are still going ahead, just hang back a bit , give her room to breath, do your own thing some days , let her come to you a little , miss you too.

but if she does wanna break up , then so be it. that's that l guess.

Good luck

Edited June 2, 2017 by Chilli

[sumiron]

the whole Silent Treatment thing begins because one day i just wanted to check if she will call me first.

So i was silent all day.

Later i called and she was mad at me that i dint call whole day.

I asked why she didnt call and she couldnt respond.

 

Later she told me that because i was not calling her few hours she will now not talk to me for few days.

 

But in the evening she wrote to me.

Later we talked and she heard in my voice that i was sad because of her playing such games of silence. She knew that i am needy.

But supposedly it was fun for her.

She even told me " lets not talk to each other and lets see who will break first and call".

Like it was just playing fun.

 

Later i joked about something, teasing her and probably she pretended to be mad and told me that i i have failed on her test.

And it was the starting point of this 5 days silence.

 

I were writing to her, apologizing but she didnt respond.

Later she told me that she was not mad and was just thinking about our relationship.

I asked her why she didnt told me that only let me wandering if i offended her. She replied that it doesnt matter.

And next days was as i wrote.

[ExpatInItaly]

Far too much, far too soon.

 

It seems that both of you need more experience in relating healthily to a romantic partner. Rushing in, telling you love her all the time (when you have known her for a mere 70 days?) and then ignoring her when she asked to talk are rather immature, if I may be blunt. This isn't instant love; it's instant infatuation.

 

Also immature is her idea to not talk and see who will "break" first. The same for telling you that you have failed some test of hers. You're both too old for games like this.

 

The point of a healthy relationship is not make someone "addicted" to you. It's to find someone who is compatible with you and your lifestyle, has a developed sense of who they are and can thus determine if you are a good match for them. Clinging on to someone - especially when you don't know them very well (and talking a lot is nice, but just not the same as spending quality time together in person) - is a sign you both have work to do on your own insecurities. Secure and confident people make the best relationship partners, because they're not looking just to fill some void in their lives and they have a healthy perspective. They don't need to constantly seek reassurance and "check" if someone likes them.

 

I would take a big step back, OP. Ask yourself what it is you're looking for - a girlfriend, or reassurance that you're lovable as a person? It seems you jumped in full steam ahead without maintaining a sense of balance. She appears to have done the same. You got caught up in the thrill, as many of us do, but you don't know how to pump the brakes and the let the relationship develop organically without overwhelming the other person.

 

If she wants space, give it to her. Don't send more messages, don't call. She knows where you are. If you don't hear from her, I would assume it's over. If she's using this as some test to see if you'll come begging, well, she's in no position to be in a mature relationship. But at 1, 000 km apart and speed-bumps already, I think you also need to reevaluate if this is really feasible anyway.

Edited June 2, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[sumiron]

Thanks.

 

Inn the beginning, few days before our meetup, when we started to know each other, she was very very nice. She had beautiful pleasant nice voice in which i could soak in my soul.

 

I was writing to her poems, about my feelings to her...so sweet that normally someone would vomit reading it.

And she literally loved it. She was calling to me telling me that she rereads it all day long, that she constantly whole day is remembering everything about me, every word i said. When i was calling her she was literally moaning when i talked to her about how beauty she is.

 

For me there was no way to not take it as a sign of interest.

I know, i resigned from all my boundaries. Became too easy. Even when i was sleeping and she was calling me and she heard in my voice that i was sleeping and she asked me if i am sleeping i was telling her - no i dont sleep yet - she was mad that i lie to her. She literally saw that i put her above everything in my life.

 

But only after reading Glover stuff i realized how much i messed up everything. That girls hate such guys as I became for her. With no boundaries, no self respect.

 

But i dont understand why she changed so much?

I am 1000% sure she did not met someone else.

 

After i said i loved her she totally changed.

For exampel i was calling her and asked "hey, how are you what are you doing?"

And she with bitchy mad voice:

"I am speaking with you, dont you hear?"

 

And i became sad. I wanted to fix it but it was only getting worse.

 

Why so big change?

How can i recover the girl i met earlier?

 

I did not change much. She knew what i am upto.

One of my first text to her was:

"i want to be obsessed about you. I want to feel that you are all my world.

I want our relation to be unnatural, sick thing in which we can not live without each other".

I purposefully told her, after few days of meeting her that i will make her most important person in my life.

 

And she agreed to that. She was happy with it.

 

She knew that i will through myself into her with all my feelings, i even told her that i will overwhelm her with my love when i know her better.

 

And she only told me that she would like that but is afraid that i only talk in such way and that later i will stop feel anything for her.

 

Well.... i didnt.

But she changed.

Why?

How to get back this previous girl she was?

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't recover the "previous girl." This is part of who she is. She didn't suddenly morph into a different person; you simply don't know her well enough to know her whole persona.

 

She might have just lost interest. She might be a very hot-cold type. She might be talking to someone else.

 

The point is, you can't change that. Don't waste your energy trying to force it. If she wants to find you, she knows where you are. You need to redirect your focus so you don't drive yourself mental wondering what she's thinking or doing all the time.

 

Get busy with your friends, your hobbies, your interests.

[sumiron]

thanks but what is eating me is if i did good telling her

"i am tired after today...going to sleep".

 

because how do i know if she did not done such process in her mind:

"i told him: (me, sumiron): that i have to thing about our relationship...

he is not talking to me for 5 days...i ask him if i can call him today.

 

...he replied after whole day of my waiting that he is tired? he told me that he love me...maybe he changed his mind?"

 

 

how do i know that she does not suffer now?

maybe she was not calling to break up. Maybe this 5 days of silence gave her enough space to consider my as her boyfriend for good.

And maybe my response made her feel rejected?

 

Maybe now she is suffering and is doing NO CONTACT on me because she want to stop suffer because she thinks i rejected her?

 

while i not rejected her...

 

help.

[sumiron]

Sorry for bumping it but i began to feel so much tension thinking what i wrote in #10

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/625742-nc-way-go-if-she-thinking-about-us#post7328135

[ExpatInItaly]

So call her and tell her you would like to talk.

 

Put an end to the fretting. This isn't as complicated as you two are making it. You both need to learn to communicate directly and not play games.

[sumiron]

So i should break nc rule?