What is wrong with me?

[vice88]

I don't even know how to begin this. Let me start out by saying, I'm the problem. More or less my mind is the problem.

 

I got married on April 24th. The only thing I dislike about my relationship is that until September it will be long distance. We have never fought, we spend several hours a day on the phone, there have never been red flags..... He's ****ing next to perfect. He does anything and everything to make sure I'm happy and he's the one moving away from his family to live with me two states away from everything he has ever known. I have children who see their dad every weekend so it would have been harder for me to pack up and move. I can't leave them and I'm not going to take them away from their father.

 

All of this being said, there is nothing he is doing that's causing me to internally freak out the way that I am. I think I may suffer from relationship anxiety or retroactive jealousy..... Maybe both. I want to push him away. I can't stop comparing myself to his past. I lose in every scenerio I put myself in. I know I suffer from extreme insecurities I'm assuming from being abandoned by my parents even though I had the best life possible with my grandparents. I don't even know why writing this all out will help. I sound like a crazy person. This is the type of relationship I have always wanted, he does everything right. I know I'm not the most unpleasant person. I'm pretty laid back and can make people laugh from time to time haha. All of my problem is in my head. I don't know how to fix it. I am not going to hurt him by letting him know any of what I'm thinking because he does not deserve to feel unwanted. My problem is that he's going to be here in Sunday and..... I don't want him to come. I love him I do but it feels better to push him away. It feels safer. Why am I like this? Is anybody else like this at all? Could it just be the long distance aspect messing with me? It can't be all that I know bc I stress about how uncool I am compared to his ex.... Or the fact that I'm a mother (even though I love my children dearly and could never ever imagine my life without them) I feel like it makes me lose value as a person in other people's eyes. I have these warped views on what makes me worthy and unworthy as a human.......

 

I'm going to stop rambling. If any of this crazy makes sense to anybody out there can you please let me know ideas on how to stop being so damn neurotic or at least let me know I'm not alone.

[Phoenician]

you are not in sane , you are a sensual venus that was hurt before and fearing to get hurt again , that's from where the wall around you come .

 

Don't let previous experience be overwhelming to you , the part which you mentioned about your feelings prooves that empathy is not shut down by your mind randomly .

 

don't let your insecurity feelings ruin your life , your H seems to be a good hearted man , a giver .

 

be a giver , wether you are a believer or not , vows are sacred .

 

be a giver , and try your best ,there is nothing in the world more valued to a man when he feels desired by his partner .

[ExpatInItaly]

You might find it helpful to read up on Attachment theory.

 

Broadly, it asserts that we fall into one of three basic styles of attachment (in relation to our intimate partners): anxious, secure, and avoidant. There are subcategories as well, describing both fearful and dismissive behaviours, with various shades in between.

 

Very loosely based on what you've written here, you might identify with the so-called Fearful Avoidant attachment style. This is mere speculation on my part, but the desire to push someone away in fear of being rejected or abandoned is characteristic of folks who would fall into that "category."

 

I would do some online research, as there are plenty of great resources out there that could help you understand your feelings. You also mention being jealous of your husband's past, but don't elaborate much - what is it you are jealous of, precisely?

[BaileyB]

First question, how long did you date before you got married?

 

I really think you should consider counselling for your anxiety? Distance from your partner can be a real head game, but this sounds like much more.

 

I am most concerned by your belief that the fact that you are a mother makes you lose value to other people. Being a mother is the greatest thing you can do with your life. You are responsible for these little people and that is your first, and greatest responsibility in life. If anything, it brings value to who you are, if you are a good mother and you work hard to raise good children. You shouldn't ever think anything else.

[salparadise]

I suffer from extreme insecurities I'm assuming from being abandoned by my parents even though I had the best life possible with my grandparents.

 

I love him I do but it feels better to push him away. It feels safer. Why am I like this?

 

I have these warped views on what makes me worthy and unworthy as a human.......

 

I'm going to stop rambling. If any of this crazy makes sense to anybody out there can you please let me know ideas on how to stop being so damn neurotic or at least let me know I'm not alone.

 

 

I believe these ^^^ are the essence of your problem. As ExpatInItaly suggested, you're probably fearful-avoidant, but it seems more extreme than mere attachment style. These are often subconscious feelings, but in your case they're fully conscious... to the point that you don't want your new husband to come! You feel unworthy, and your greatest fear is that, if you let him get too close, he will discover your deficiency and abandon you.

 

Many people have subtle shades of this, but you seem to be entrenched. Ironically, your deficiency is that you feel deficient. You must deal with this. Cognitively you know it's not true, but emotionally it's the reality you live with every day. Get into therapy asap! Ask for referrals from someone in the profession and select a highly capable therapist with LCP credentials. It won't be easy or quick, but it will transform your life if you do the hard work and learn to love yourself and free yourself of these doubts.

 

This is a must-see video by Brené Brown on The Power of Vulnerability.

[vice88]

You also mention being jealous of your husband's past, but don't elaborate much - what is it you are jealous of, precisely?

 

This is the part where I thought I might have retroactive jealousy issues. It could just be part of the defense mechanism though. The jealousy is all about his past. I imagine scenerios or take real life events and romantasize them so that they hurt me more. I imagine how much better doing anything with one of his exes must have been. I make them smarter, prettier, more clever.... Etc. I will imagine actual intimate scenerios until I have to push the images away and that makes me emotionally withdraw. It always feels good to withdraw emotionally too. It's almost I'm addicted to the pain I cause myself and the numbing feeling after.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the part where I thought I might have retroactive jealousy issues. It could just be part of the defense mechanism though. The jealousy is all about his past. I imagine scenerios or take real life events and romantasize them so that they hurt me more. I imagine how much better doing anything with one of his exes must have been. I make them smarter, prettier, more clever.... Etc. I will imagine actual intimate scenerios until I have to push the images away and that makes me emotionally withdraw. It always feels good to withdraw emotionally too. It's almost I'm addicted to the pain I cause myself and the numbing feeling after.

 

The silver lining here is that you recognize this as a (misguided) coping mechanism of sorts. You find a reason to withdraw, which is your comfort zone. You know it's self-sabotage and you recognize it's change-worthy behaviour. That's much more than many people ever realize about themselves.

 

Have you considered therapy? An experienced and qualified professional can help you sort through all of this and give you the tools to cope in a healthier way that doesn't inflict damage on your relationship. I think being long-distance provides you a buffer for now, but this will all change when your husband comes to live there. If you don't actively work to resolve this now it could very well harm your marriage.

 

Does your husband know about this?

[vice88]

First question, how long did you date before you got married?

 

I really think you should consider counselling for your anxiety? Distance from your partner can be a real head game, but this sounds like much more.

 

I am most concerned by your belief that the fact that you are a mother makes you lose value to other people. Being a mother is the greatest thing you can do with your life. You are responsible for these little people and that is your first, and greatest responsibility in life. If anything, it brings value to who you are, if you are a good mother and you work hard to raise good children. You shouldn't ever think anything else.

 

Agreed, I really should have been in therapy as a child and now.

We have known each other for five years but dated for less than one. I don't get like this though until after I fall in love with someone. Before that moment I'm as cool as a cucumber.

 

To answer the last question, I feel like that stems from the way people talk about women with children when it comes to dating. It has not been done to my face yet but I'm groups I hear a lot of "Oh, she seems nice but she has children." "We could do this but she has children." It's not the biggest comments in the world but it triggers something in my head to make it seem as if being a mother makes me less desirable as a human. I wouldn't change being a mom but there's still that image I have of myself being one in my head. My husband says how excited he is to be a step dad and has even taken pictures with the kids and posted them on social media as if he's just the proudest parent ever. For some reason I'm unable to fully see that. I'm stuck on the way I think of it. I think oh his ex didn't have kids that's why they could go out so much more, being with me has to be a bore. He wants us to have a child and it scares me bc I see a lot of couples break up after they have one together bc again, from what I've seen the man usually cheats on her with someone without children. Maybe I haven't had the best examples around but when it's all you know then that's what stays.

 

Another big picture I can't seem to comprehend is that I'm the only person he's ever wanted to marry or have a child with. When we got engaged everyone in his life was completely surprised that he out of all people was settling down. Not bc he was a playboy, but bc it wasn't something he wanted. Why is it that these things that should matter.... Just don't resonate.....

[vice88]

The silver lining here is that you recognize this as a (misguided) coping mechanism of sorts. You find a reason to withdraw, which is your comfort zone. You know it's self-sabotage and you recognize it's change-worthy behaviour. That's much more than many people ever realize about themselves.

 

Have you considered therapy? An experienced and qualified professional can help you sort through all of this and give you the tools to cope in a healthier way that doesn't inflict damage on your relationship. I think being long-distance provides you a buffer for now, but this will all change when your husband comes to live there. If you don't actively work to resolve this now it could very well harm your marriage.

 

Does your husband know about this?

 

 

I've told him that I like to try and pull away a lot. I don't tell him about every time I panic. I know now that it's smarter to just wait it out instead of acting on it. When I was younger I would cause fights with my partner every single time I panicked just bc it felt better, even though I'd be devestated afterwards. I work really hard at not hurting Tyler now. I leave him out of a lot of the things that go on inside of my head bc I don't actually want to hurt him and I don't want to fight with him. The little bit that I told him he was completely supportive. He does not treat me like I'm crazy he even offers to go to therapy with me. To answer that question, I definitely would. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm really good at coping with it now and not pushing people away by not reacting to what's going on externally. But I want to eliminate the problem. Health insurance is not cheap these days and unfortunately I can't afford therapy.

[vice88]

You might find it helpful to read up on Attachment theory.

 

Broadly, it asserts that we fall into one of three basic styles of attachment (in relation to our intimate partners): anxious, secure, and avoidant. There are subcategories as well, describing both fearful and dismissive behaviours, with various shades in between.

 

Very loosely based on what you've written here, you might identify with the so-called Fearful Avoidant attachment style. This is mere speculation on my part, but the desire to push someone away in fear of being rejected or abandoned is characteristic of folks who would fall into that "category."

 

I would do some online research, as there are plenty of great resources out there that could help you understand your feelings. You also mention being jealous of your husband's past, but don't elaborate much - what is it you are jealous of, precisely?

 

Thank you for this. I've read over a few websites so far this morning and it sounds just like me. Of course I'd have an anxiety that contradicts itself. There are exercises to try to help myself listed on several of the site so I'm going to give them a try.