I want to know if I actually have a chance of getting him back.

[Drejlord]

This story might be a bit long.

 

So, I was single last year, and had been single for a pretty long time (2 years) after being in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was finally ready to date again, but found myself getting rejected at every turn.

 

Old coworker of mine contacted me one day (she knew I'd been kind of looking) and was like, "hey, you should text my brother, he's pretty cool and sweet." I was reluctant, but I did it anyway. And....well, we instantly hit it off. The first date with him was scary because we were both nervous, but after we ate, we just sat outside and talked forever until we realized we had work early in the morning.

 

Something kind of....twitched in me, after we'd been dating a month or two. How were we able to get so close, so fast? I've never been like this in a relationship - it usually takes me forever to start really opening up and being myself. But with him, I couldn't put a finger on exactly how we were able to just....be with each other like really good friends so soon. I remember he told me a few months in that it felt like he'd known me all his life, and that's when I realized I felt the same. Like wtf was this, that's new.

 

He had been almost a year out of a divorce. From what him and his sisters told me, the relationship had been tumultuous, with the wife being abusive, controlling, and nasty to him all the way through. Holding him at gunpoint when he tried to leave her once. Forbidding him from doing things he liked to do because it was "childish". It ended when she cheated on him and then took their son without a word to go live with her new lover (don't worry, they have joint custody now).

 

He also had a history of depression - abusive childhood, abusive relationship, PTSD from a horrific incident at one of his first jobs. He has a three year old, loves him to death. And he was upfront with me about all of this from the very beginning.

 

When he found out I regularly saw a therapist for my own depression, he started joining me for the appointments (with permission). It was really good for me because he'd pick up on a few things about me that I wasn't sure how to articulate, and we talked about our relationship as well. He gave me his guest bed from his old house that had never gotten used - a $3000 memory foam bed that could've gone for hundreds on Craigslist, but he just gave it to me, and I know he would've needed the money at the time. Throughout the relationship, he'd do little things to show he cared, every day. His mom was out of the picture, but I met his father and already knew his sisters from a previous job.

 

February 2017 was his suicide attempt. Not his first, but his first while I knew him. He did it on an evening that he felt really low, after his wife had told him she was aggressively pushing for full custody of their son. A few days before that, she had tried to get him arrested (she was fined for calling in a false report, too).

 

He told me it was stupid and selfish, and that he shouldn't have put me through that.

 

Now, I know what you're thinking. I should've bailed right there. Called it quits, moved on. But I didn't want to because at that point, he meant too much to me to just dump him after that. If anything, it made me try even harder to make him feel needed and important.

 

Easter Sunday was when he broke it off with me, after a super trivial argument - our first actual argument, and it was because we were both tired. He told me to just pack up my stuff and leave the key. Told me a myriad of different things - he couldn't be in a relationship right now, his life was a mess, he couldn't 'destroy' his son again (referring to the divorce), that he "hadn't seen me staying long", that he only saw me as a friend. The actual reason, he told me, was that he no longer felt the same about me, that I wasn't "the one".

 

We talked a bit after the breakup - tried to be friends, and what we did talk about was mostly positive, if infrequent. But a week or two later, he met a new girl and started ignoring me. Which made me panic and start texting him more. Come last week, he made him and her official, unfriended me from Facebook, and told me I was being obsessive and that I needed time to heal, that he'd been very open with me about not feeling the same.

 

Any mutual friends we had blocked me and went to fawn over the new girl. It's rather surreal.

 

I've since stopped attempting to contact him. I'm going to wait until mid-July or so, and maybe try contacting him again since he didn't block me, just unfriended me.

 

Call me a childish hopeless romantic (and it's going to sound that way since I'm running off of 4 hours of sleep thanks to my wonderful neighbors) but...I feel like there was a connection. Even if he wanted to break it for whatever reason, I feel like there was something there. I remember he told me to start learning to be more confident, something that's been an issue for me for a long time. I'm not ready for someone like him to just be some ex I forgot about and make hurtful jokes about later with all my girlfriends.

 

So, I'm willing to change. I'm willing to become someone more confident, someone who doesn't scare off guys as soon as things start getting close. Try to improve myself, try to get a handle on my depression and anxiety. I was always terrified that he'd dump me for someone else, which is exactly what he ended up doing.

 

He never visibly showed signs of pulling away. And throughout the relationship, I encouraged him, got him to do fun stuff to take his mind off his worries, stopped by occasionally to tidy his apartment a little when work ran late. I feel like there was never a point where I didn't make him feel unwanted, or neglected to give him his space when he needed it.

 

I don't want to hear the usual vicious "move on and leave him alone, you're terrible, you should have been over this already" comments. I got that from his sister the day after the break up and I hadn't even said anything to her at that point. I just want to know if I have a chance of even so much as getting back on speaking terms with him again. If the relationship meant anything to him at all for him to even want me back.

 

I keep reading all these stories about exes who moved on in a week and got married to the new person within months. I'm terrified that that's what's going to happen. I just want a chance to show him that I'm not always going to be a depressed, unconfident, needy person. I know him well enough to know that whether we'd dated or not, he isn't emotionally ready to go jumping into another relationship - and the new girl has a kid too and is also recently out of a divorce. They were all over each other on Facebook and everyone just gushes about how wonderful she is. He apparently wants to parent two kids now on top of the stress of having the one, along with dealing with the divorce debt, going back to school to finish his degree, and his long work hours. It was his ex-wife, then me, then her. The break between the ex wife and me was pretty long, but he didn't even spare a minute before dumping me for the new girl. I've never had anyone who wanted to break up with me and cut me out so quickly. It's like he's trying to punish me for something that I don't know I did.

 

But if someone moved on that quick and was so happy to cut me out of his life, does that mean I never meant anything to him at all? Even when his actions during the relationship showed otherwise? Is the new girl going to be "the one" because she's smarter, prettier, and has a kid?

 

It's only been about a week since he unfriended me. I don't want to give up yet, even if I have to stay away from him for months.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Drejlord

[PegNosePete]

Now, I know what you're thinking. I should've bailed right there. Called it quits, moved on.

No I absolutely do not think you should have bailed there. At that point he needed emotional security and someone to help him through the difficult period in his life.

 

Easter Sunday was when he broke it off with me, after a super trivial argument - our first actual argument, and it was because we were both tired. He told me to just pack up my stuff and leave the key. Told me a myriad of different things - he couldn't be in a relationship right now, his life was a mess, he couldn't 'destroy' his son again (referring to the divorce), that he "hadn't seen me staying long", that he only saw me as a friend. The actual reason, he told me, was that he no longer felt the same about me, that I wasn't "the one".

This is the point you should've bailed. Called it quits, moved on.

 

Look, this guy is a mess. He has serious issues, both situational (ex wife and child drama) and internal (depression and suicide attempts).

 

You need to let him go. He's not good material for any kind of relationship.

 

Plus he has a new GF....

 

Your chances of "getting him back" are zero.

[Zahara]

I've since stopped attempting to contact him. I'm going to wait until mid-July or so, and maybe try contacting him again since he didn't block me, just unfriended me.

 

When a man tells you that he does not feel the same way again, walk away. Do not attempt to chase, do not attempt to test the waters and do not attempt to try and change his mind.

 

Call me a childish hopeless romantic...I feel like there was a connection. Even if he wanted to break it for whatever reason, I feel like there was something there.

 

This is called projection. Your perception of what you had with him -- not his. So don't project it. He's told you in plain and simple words. Accept it.

 

So, I'm willing to change. I'm willing to become someone more confident, someone who doesn't scare off guys as soon as things start getting close. Try to improve myself, try to get a handle on my depression and anxiety. I was always terrified that he'd dump me for someone else, which is exactly what he ended up doing.

 

You change because you want it for yourself. Based on your self-reflection and awareness. Not because you want to win a guy back. That kind of "change" is short-lived.

 

He never visibly showed signs of pulling away. And throughout the relationship, I encouraged him, got him to do fun stuff to take his mind off his worries, stopped by occasionally to tidy his apartment a little when work ran late. I feel like there was never a point where I didn't make him feel unwanted, or neglected to give him his space when he needed it.

 

He was emotionally unavailable to you. He may have not showed signs and was probably going through the motions or even enjoying the honeymoon period with you -- but it changed for him, and it happens all the time.

 

I just want to know if I have a chance of even so much as getting back on speaking terms with him again. If the relationship meant anything to him at all for him to even want me back.

 

The man unfriended you and told you to move on. Pay attention to that.

 

He's moved on from what he had with you. The relationship still means something to you, it doesn't to him as he is now with someone new. Try not to project.

 

I keep reading all these stories about exes who moved on in a week and got married to the new person within months. I'm terrified that that's what's going to happen.

 

Unfortunately, it is something you have to accept. It has happened to some of us.

 

he isn't emotionally ready to go jumping into another relationship

 

This is none of your business. If that is the case, he should not have been or be in a relationship with you either.

 

But if someone moved on that quick and was so happy to cut me out of his life, does that mean I never meant anything to him at all?

 

You meant something to him at the time, but his emotions have changed and he's moved on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this man has a boatload of issues and he cannot give you the healthy and stable relationship you want. Contacting him in July isn't going to change that. Whether or not he's ready for another relationship isn't really the point; the point is that he was quick to bail on you, which indicates he just wasn't as invested as you'd thought. He's showing you in many different ways he's not a suitable candidate for you.

 

You can work on yourself for you, but don't do it for him. The changes won't stick. Chances are any positive changes on your part wouldn't lead to reconciliation anyway, because as I said above, he has a lot of work to do too and his attention is somewhere else now anyway.

 

I would wager that he met this new girl while he was still with you. That insanely fast turnaround is usually strongly indicative of something that had been brewing a little while and it's likely the real reason he pulled the plug when he did.

 

I sincerely believe this one wasn't going to last. There were too many red flags and significant external factors getting in the way.

[Drejlord]

OP, this man has a boatload of issues and he cannot give you the healthy and stable relationship you want. Contacting him in July isn't going to change that. Whether or not he's ready for another relationship isn't really the point; the point is that he was quick to bail on you, which indicates he just wasn't as invested as you'd thought. He's showing you in many different ways he's not a suitable candidate for you.

 

You can work on yourself for you, but don't do it for him. The changes won't stick. Chances are any positive changes on your part wouldn't lead to reconciliation anyway, because as I said above, he has a lot of work to do too and his attention is somewhere else now anyway.

 

I would wager that he met this new girl while he was still with you. That insanely fast turnaround is usually strongly indicative of something that had been brewing a little while and it's likely the real reason he pulled the plug when he did.

 

I sincerely believe this one wasn't going to last. There were too many red flags and significant external factors getting in the way.

 

Honestly, at this point, the relationship thing is eh.

He was my friend first, and that's what I really want back, if at all possible. He doesn't have to have feelings for me - I'd be happy with speaking terms.

[ExpatInItaly]

Would you really be totally fine being his friend and not being able to meet up for a coffee because he's out with his girlfriend? Or him telling you that he can't talk because his girlfriend is waiting for him?

 

Until you reach the point of relative indifference, being friends isn't realistic. It will be too painful for you.

[Zahara]

Honestly, at this point, the relationship thing is eh.

He was my friend first, and that's what I really want back, if at all possible. He doesn't have to have feelings for me - I'd be happy with speaking terms.

 

Dumpees use the "friend" card to hold on. It's their way of keeping their foot in the door. Their fear of finality and letting go so "friends" gives them some sort of hope to cling to and some emotional control over the dumper.

 

You can't be friends. You are emotionally attached. When you've moved on and you can be happy with him being in a new relationship and you can be content with where your life is, then you can be friends.

[d0nnivain]

He said he no longer has feelings for you. You have to take him at his word.

 

 

You can't be "just friends" with him at this point even though that is what you say you miss. Flip things around. Pretend you are this new GF. Would you want the old GF (you) hanging around professing to be "just friends"? I wouldn't tolerate that from a new relationship & neither will she.

 

 

He's moved on. Do be civil because you need to preserve your professional relationship with his brother, your former co-worker but otherwise, just fade away quietly.

[springy]

He had been almost a year out of a divorce. From what him and his sisters told me, the relationship had been tumultuous, with the wife being abusive, controlling, and nasty to him all the way through. Holding him at gunpoint when he tried to leave her once. Forbidding him from doing things he liked to do because it was "childish". It ended when she cheated on him and then took their son without a word to go live with her new lover (don't worry, they have joint custody now).

 

He also had a history of depression - abusive childhood, abusive relationship, PTSD from a horrific incident at one of his first jobs. He has a three year old, loves him to death. And he was upfront with me about all of this from the very beginning.

 

Sorry but this is the point at which I would have walked, long before getting my heart tangled up in it. This man has entirely too much unresolved baggage. Add to that a history of numerous suicide attempts I feel for the guy and all but he was not a wise choice for a partner. He should be putting all his effort into therapy rather than pursuing romantic relationships. Sadly, he has moved on from you and on to the next one. It's a pattern that is likely to continue until he deals with his stuff (something he may never do). You should not plan to contact him in July. He has moved on.

 

How long did this relationship last?

Edited June 3, 2017 by springy