Is this Abusive???

[RichIMET]

I made a post a little while ago and got some great responses, so I thought I would make another thread asking for opinions. So, here it goes.

 

Early this morning (about 130 AM), my fiance angrily woke me up from my sleep (and I had to be at work by 630 AM). She was awake and decided to read my text messages on my phone (which she does somewhat routinely). She was upset over a text conversation I had with one of my best friends (and coworkers). In the conversation, I mentioned that my fiance and I were having a big fight and I could not work a certain couple of days in our work schedule. Also, I said I would talk to him about the situation when we next worked together. My fiance was EXTREMELY upset that I would talk about anything revolving around our relationship with my friend. So far over the 2 years of our relationship, I have only discussed any relationship issues with mental health professionals (therapists, psychologists, etc.) or on online forums. I guess I have been too ashamed (or something) to discuss these things with my friends. Additionally during this argument this morning, my fiance did push me once on both shoulders with no provocation from me.

 

Is any of this abusive behavior??? I know the pushing thing would be. However, is any else in the above situation abusive behavior?

 

And for full disclosure to make sure I am not presenting myself in a false light:

 

1. During a big argument a few months ago, we agreed that our issues should remain private, between us. However I have realized that I do need to discuss these things with people close to me, just not professionals or folks on online forums. Am I wrong or abusive in wanting to discuss these things with my close friends?????

 

2. Early on in our relationship, there was a big issue with password access to our phones and social media accounts. So, we agreed to give each other our passwords. However, I was not anticipating my fiance reading ALL of my emails and text conversations. I just thought it would be good for her to have password access to my phone if she needed to use it. As for me, I have never checked anything on her phone or social media accounts. I cannot have any private conversations with anyone. And I have always had an issue with this lack of privacy, but anytime I bring it up, it results in a huge argument.

 

Sorry for the long winded post. Hopefully everything reads OK and you can provide your opinions.

 

Thanks!!!!!

[Zahara]

What would it matter, OP?

 

You received advice on your other thread -- there's always going to be incidences in your relationship with her because your relationship BREEDS dysfunction and abuse. Today it maybe shoving you and kicking you out of bed, tomorrow it maybe throwing a cup at you, next week it may be a yelling match -- nothing changes. You were given advice in your last thread that this relationship is abusive. What sort of justification or clarification do you further need?

 

I will say this again, for the sake of your daughters, exit and focus on working through you own issues.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Zahara

[aurelius99]

My ex wife used to have us agree to keep our marriage issues private. I agreed. Even when I was getting abused and assaulted, I still agreed. Turns out the ENTIRE time she was sharing EVERYTHING with her mom. Worse yet, when I found out exactly what she was telling her, it turns out she was saying I was abusing HER. Unreal. I'm done with that shizzit.

[enddeck]

I made a post a little while ago and got some great responses, so I thought I would make another thread asking for opinions. So, here it goes.

 

Early this morning (about 130 AM), my fiance angrily woke me up from my sleep (and I had to be at work by 630 AM). She was awake and decided to read my text messages on my phone (which she does somewhat routinely). She was upset over a text conversation I had with one of my best friends (and coworkers). In the conversation, I mentioned that my fiance and I were having a big fight and I could not work a certain couple of days in our work schedule. Also, I said I would talk to him about the situation when we next worked together. My fiance was EXTREMELY upset that I would talk about anything revolving around our relationship with my friend. So far over the 2 years of our relationship, I have only discussed any relationship issues with mental health professionals (therapists, psychologists, etc.) or on online forums. I guess I have been too ashamed (or something) to discuss these things with my friends. Additionally during this argument this morning, my fiance did push me once on both shoulders with no provocation from me.

 

Is any of this abusive behavior??? I know the pushing thing would be. However, is any else in the above situation abusive behavior?

 

And for full disclosure to make sure I am not presenting myself in a false light:

 

1. During a big argument a few months ago, we agreed that our issues should remain private, between us. However I have realized that I do need to discuss these things with people close to me, just not professionals or folks on online forums. Am I wrong or abusive in wanting to discuss these things with my close friends?????

 

2. Early on in our relationship, there was a big issue with password access to our phones and social media accounts. So, we agreed to give each other our passwords. However, I was not anticipating my fiance reading ALL of my emails and text conversations. I just thought it would be good for her to have password access to my phone if she needed to use it. As for me, I have never checked anything on her phone or social media accounts. I cannot have any private conversations with anyone. And I have always had an issue with this lack of privacy, but anytime I bring it up, it results in a huge argument.

 

Sorry for the long winded post. Hopefully everything reads OK and you can provide your opinions.

 

Thanks!!!!!

 

I ask this with the greatest of respect,have you ever been tested for asbergers.

[RichIMET]

I ask this with the greatest of respect,have you ever been tested for asbergers.

 

No I have not. Why do you ask????

[RecentChange]

Wow just read your other thread.

 

This is so unhealthy!!!!

 

Yes you are both abusive. The relationship is toxic. It's a dynamic that your children should NEVER be exposed to.

 

One of you is going to end up arrested and ruined if this relationship continues - oh but right, you are scared she will destroy your belongings, career and reputation if you end things.

 

Because ya know, black mail is a perfectly reasonable reason to stay in a relationship.

 

For the love of yourself and your children, DO NOT MARRY HER! This is not what you want the rest of your life to look like.

[enddeck]

No I have not. Why do you ask????

 

You seem to be sort of unaware of what is going on.Your gf asks you for all your passwords and you are shocked that she checks your phone.

You both agree not to discuss your private business with anyone else but you do just that and seem surprised that she calls you out on it.

You just seem sort of detached in my opinion.

[RichIMET]

You seem to be sort of unaware of what is going on.Your gf asks you for all your passwords and you are shocked that she checks your phone.

You both agree not to discuss your private business with anyone else but you do just that and seem surprised that she calls you out on it.

You just seem sort of detached in my opinion.

 

Well, I understand what you are saying. However, I do believe I am fully aware of the situation. My issues are that I never expected her to read every text or email I ever sent to anybody over the last several years. Many times, she reads a text or email and interprets it the wrong way, leading to some intense arguments. Since we have been together, I have never once checked her texts or email.

 

As for discussing our relationship with others, I totally agree in not discussing the more typical things. However when it comes to being hit/kicked or accused of financial abuse, I think I have gone long enough, not talking to my friends about these situations.

 

I really appreciate the response to my thread.

[Gaeta]

When you need to talk about your relationship problems to professionals, to a bunch of people in a forum repeatedely, and with people in your life it's because the relationship is over. You are desperate that is why you are reaching out to so many people, always in the hope someone will give you a magic answer. There is no magic answer. This relationship is abusive physically and mentally. End the cycle.

[RichIMET]

Gaeta: Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I do agree that this relationship is likely over and there is no magical answer. It is just very tough to try to end the relationship as my fiance has abandonment issues and would likely have some sort of mental breakdown. Additionally, she is going through some significant health problems right now. So, I am not sure now would be the right time to end the relationship (although I know there is no really good time to end any relationship).

 

Again, thanks for your response.

 

When you need to talk about your relationship problems to professionals, to a bunch of people in a forum repeatedely, and with people in your life it's because the relationship is over. You are desperate that is why you are reaching out to so many people, always in the hope someone will give you a magic answer. There is no magic answer. This relationship is abusive physically and mentally. End the cycle.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta: Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I do agree that this relationship is likely over and there is no magical answer. It is just very tough to try to end the relationship as my fiance has abandonment issues and would likely have some sort of mental breakdown. Additionally, she is going through some significant health problems right now. So, I am not sure now would be the right time to end the relationship (although I know there is no really good time to end any relationship).

 

Again, thanks for your response.

 

Her mental problems aren't a reason to remain in this destructive relationship. Before worrying about her mental health you owe yourself to worry about yours.

 

When I split from my ex he threaten me many times to kill himself and I didn't remain in the relationship because of it. At some point you have to put yourself first, it's the first step to recovery for you.

 

If she has family and friends just warn them you are breaking up and she'll need their care and to watch over her. You leave and never contact her again.

[Zahara]

Gaeta: Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I do agree that this relationship is likely over and there is no magical answer. It is just very tough to try to end the relationship as my fiance has abandonment issues and would likely have some sort of mental breakdown. Additionally, she is going through some significant health problems right now. So, I am not sure now would be the right time to end the relationship (although I know there is no really good time to end any relationship).

 

Again, thanks for your response.

 

The bold is co-dependent. Often when one stays in a relationship like this and continues to make excuses, it's due to their own avoidance in facing their own issues. Its' easier to focus externally then to look internally.

 

She may have abandonment issues but what does it say about you that you have stayed in an abusive relationship yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup and that cup is you.

 

You can't fix/support someone else when you yourself are driven by dysfunction. Contact her family and friends and release responsibility to them.

 

Your responsibility now is to work on yourself and protect your daughters.

Edited June 7, 2017 by Zahara