Is she sounding like she was abused?

[NeoIQ]

Is she sounding like she was abused? Post: 1 | Quote:

 

I recieved this from my girlfriend that has been gone for 9 days now. Is it me, or is she sounding like she was abused? This is totaly confusing. She tells me when she left that I needed to be more compassionate, kinder and gentler. And then I get this today. It sounds rather extreme. She is a writer by trade, so I'm not sure if she is being creative in her writing here or what.

 

I have not had any time since I moved out. You've been calling, emailing, or coming by every day. Look, I know this is hard on you, and I'm sorry for that, but you are not helping things by constantly trying to talk to me. I'm glad you're trying to make changes, but the fact is you should have been doing those

 

kinds of things all along - not wait until I left to all of a sudden make drastic changes. You created this situation, and I warned you time and time and time again of what would happen. I told you repeatedly that I wasn't happy, that I wanted to leave, and now that I have, you act surprised. I wasn't joking all

those times. I deserve better. Life is too short to be unhappy and I will not play these games with you any longer. I'm done with it. What I'm saying is that my feelings for you are not what they used to be. I'm probably not ever going to come home, and you need to start dealing with that. I don't feel like starting over with you. I think the time for that is past - too much has been said and done for me to really feel good about you again. I told you before that your actions were just chipping away at me, at my feelings for you, at my spirit, and that's what's happened - you've basically killed my feelings for you. To be honest, I haven't been in this relationship in a really long time. It took a lot of courage/strength for me to leave - not because I didn't want to, but because I feared your reaction. I'm not stupid. I know that once it settles in for you that we're probably not going to get back together that things between us are going to get ugly - you'll hurt the house or you'll hurt me, you'll sue me or whatever - you'll find someway to hurt me. I know that, but it's worth it. I'd rather be ruined financially or be dead than live like I was living, with someone who didn't give a **** about my feelings or what he said or did to me. I'm better than that and I will not do that again for anyone - not even you. Lesson learned.

[crazy_grl]

Are you asking if it sounds like you abused her? If so, then possibly. It doesn't sound like she was being physically abused. It sounds like she wanted more from you emotionally and you wouldn't give it to her. You may have even said hurtful things to her and threatened her while you were angry.

 

It doesn't sound like you ever hit her, but it sounds like she's afraid that you might or that you'll lash out at her in some way.

 

It doesn't sound like you had a very good relationship.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by NeoIQ

you'll hurt the house or you'll hurt me, you'll sue me or whatever - you'll find someway to hurt me. I know that, but it's worth it. I'd rather be ruined financially or be dead than live like I was living.

This sounds like she was afraid that you'd physically hurt her, because of what she knows of you. Sounds scary!

In any case she was obviously unhappy with the relationship. But it's possible that she doesn't want to reveal her embarrassment (physical abuse) in a letter that everyone can see.

If you think about using this at court as a proof that you've never hit her, I wouldn't advise you so.

[dr strangelove]

Abused hmm

 

Maybe what the hell did you do? Have you had time to reflect?

 

Another possibility is she is blowing this out of proportion, but deosnt sound like it cause she sounds very threatened.

 

Id just leave her alone. Seriously.

 

My questions are why she mention you suing her or damaging the house?

 

Let me tell you a story. Once I had a huge fight with my now ex.. it was over something dumb, I guess in hindsight I should have just came back to bed and slept in with her like she asked.. but it was kind of over a can of tuna and she had stuff of mine. And I decided to take a bike she borrowed commandered. I ended up walking that bike on one wheel almost a mile back home. I wont add in the rest but I will say from that day to 6 weeks later when she talked to me again I couldnt bring myself to sell that bike.

 

Its time to have a hard look at your self and figure out either do you like who you are or do you feel like theres some improvement to be made. If so its time to seek out someone proffessional to talk to. Thats what I did, mainly he explained alot about her actions.

 

I guess now im just trying to learn more about females in another way besides sexually. Sort of like purgatory

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by NeoIQ

Is she sounding like she was abused?

 

Yes. From the letter only (which is her view now, not your side of the story, etc) I would say that she considers herself to have been abused by you. That she is physically afraid of you. And that she wants you to stop contacting her.

 

Whether you consider her view to be right or wrong, you should respect her wishes and leave her alone.

[NeoIQ]

okay people, thanks for the responses. I posted this in a blog to get different opinions. And I have got that. Truth is, I have never physically abused her, never threatened her, didn't even raise my voice. That is what is so confusing about her email. Why would I hurt my house? Sue her? For what? She says she would have left along time ago but feared my reaction. Do you know what my reaction was? I helped her get some furniture, put together some of that furniture in a box for her, set up her TV, got her computer going on the net etc..

[NeoIQ]

I thought I should also add in the ten days she has been gone, she's come over here and watched TV two nights, came over and took a shower with me, came over and took a bubble bath, I've been over there and had dinner and watched TV one night. When I call, or email it's about the animals, bills, mail, etc... I don't do it for idle chit chat. I received 12 emails from her in three hours prior to this last email. If she didn't want to talk on the phone why answer? If she didn't want to email, why read it and why respond? If she didn't want to see me why come over and watch TV or take a shower? That just adds to the confusion of this email.

[RecordProducer]

A-ha! In that case, she is playing a game. For some reason she wants the email to sound like her "honest" email to you (so why would she lie?), but it's double sensed. The whole letter sounds very ambivalent. Does she have any plans to go to court for marital assets or something?In any case, stop contacting her. I believe you've expressed your feelings and intentions already so let her decide what to do. She's trying to get rid of you and that's humiliating. I am sorry.

[SoftDrink]

i think she is is hamming it up for attention.

 

she seems to resent you for keeping her from her life (even though she admits waiting too long to leave) and is just saying it to you in an extremely dramatic, over the top way.

 

unless you really did hit her, she has no reason to try to convince you that you did. that would indicate she is crazy.

 

i think your girlfriend is one effed up individual, and should be treated delicately.

[NeoIQ]

No, there is nothing to go to court over.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by NeoIQ

No, there is nothing to go to court over.

 

Hmm. RecordProducer is right... this sounds like the start of a "paper trail". I'd keep my distance in your shoes, find ways of rapidly separating and minimising contact.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by NeoIQ

okay people, thanks for the responses. I posted this in a blog to get different opinions. And I have got that. Truth is, I have never physically abused her, never threatened her, didn't even raise my voice. That is what is so confusing about her email. Why would I hurt my house? Sue her? For what? She says she would have left along time ago but feared my reaction. Do you know what my reaction was? I helped her get some furniture, put together some of that furniture in a box for her, set up her TV, got her computer going on the net etc..

 

Based on what you've said here, it could be what others have said that she's just playing a game or trying to make you look bad.

 

OR it could be that you were emotionally abusive toward her. I've plenty of accounts of abusive men playing the innocent victim, trying to convince others of just how crazy their SO really is. Your last sentence here sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. So, even though you say how great you were and how weird she's been acting, I'm not going to agree with you that she's the one with the problem and reassure you that you behaved perfectly fine in the relationship. I'm not convinced that you did.

 

And if you were abusive toward her, she might keep coming to see you because you have power over her that she finds difficult to let go even though she knows it's bad for her.

 

She has told you clearly that she doesn't want to be with you, so just let it go. For both of your sakes, just stop contacting her and move on. Also, do some research on emotional abuse, because you may have been doing it and not even realize.

[NeoIQ]

crazy girl

 

Thank you for you response. I want to be clear here. I am not trying to come off as "how great I am and how wierd she's been acting". I am not trying to be a victim here. I share responsibility of the problems that we had in our relationship. Yes, if anything I was emotionally abusive. There were times that I didn't listen to her, didn't respect her opinion, and yes over three years I even said she was acting like a b*tch a few times. My point os posting this was this: I never hit her, raised my voice, threatened her, acted violent to her in anyway, or cheated on her. What I did do is not be sensitive to her feelings as often as I should have. I wasn't as compassionate as i should be. Basically, my parents didn't show me how to have relationships or how to love someone. I am seeing a therapist to deal with that. And again, I'm not trying to come off as the victim here. I'm just wondering, based on what you have read (and yes there are many more details) is she being rather extreme in here email or is this normal?

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by NeoIQ

Thank you for you response. I want to be clear here. I am not trying to come off as "how great I am and how wierd she's been acting". I am not trying to be a victim here. I share responsibility of the problems that we had in our relationship.

 

I'm glad to hear that. I'm also sorry to hear about your problems with relationships. You're not alone. My parents did a pretty s***ty job of teaching me about love, too. It's good that you're trying to correct that. Just remember that you need to make some decent progress before you should get back into a relationship with your now ex gf or anyone else.

 

I'm just wondering, based on what you have read (and yes there are many more details) is she being rather extreme in here email or is this normal?

 

I think what she's describing in her email sounds like what you're describing, except for the end where she talks about you possibly hurting her. I think I can understand why.

 

I had an ex bf who never opened up to me. It wasn't entirely his fault, because I didn't really open up to him either. He never once hit me, yelled at me, or said anything bad to me. But when he was trying to get me back, I was a bit scared of him, because I knew his personality, things he'd done in the past, problems he had, and I saw the way he was so intensely focused on getting me back. That made me afraid even though he'd never done a single bad thing to me.

 

If it seems to her like you're obsessed with getting her back, she knows you have a temper, knows of times you got angry and hurt someone else, etc. those could lead her to wonder whether you might be dangerous.

 

The best thing you can do is back off, work it out with your therapist, get yourself together, and then when you're a 'changed man', you can try calling her up for coffee if you still want to. Maybe she'll take you up on it.

[NeoIQ]

Thank you for your responses. I broke down and called her last night. I just really had to know where this "fear" was coming from. Because for the life of me I couldn't figure out what I had done to cause this "fear". She said as far as me "hurting" her stems from a conversation three years ago. We were talking about if we caught the other cheating on us. I told her if I caught her with another man in my bed I'd kill her. It was one of those half assed comments, not that I'd follow through with it. Kind of like telling a kid "if you touch that again I'll break your hand", it's said, but your not really going to break the kids hand. So, now I know where this stems from.

[dr strangelove]

Lucky you

 

you broke up yet u have showered together watched tv together How romantic

 

Heres a longshot. I think she is kinda mad ar you about the break up, almost like

damn u idiot I really dont want to break up but whatever her problem is.

 

When my ex and I broke up after a certain point she got really upset and said alot of

insane crap to me. I mean pages of it. Then few days later or whenever back she was.

 

She needs to vent to you, maybe like she doesnt feel heard. I think you should just try letting her vent or talk and listen even if she is flipping out and I know its hard.

 

Thats my advice if you wish to fix this, she isnt mentalm shes just upset and hurt.

 

ok hope that helps

ciao

[dr strangelove]

I have kind of a hunch about this ..

Was your gf/ ex gf physically or sexually abued by someone else in the past??

[crazy_grl]

Dang. Isn't it crazy how one small comment can affect the way people see us.

 

In the future, try not to say you're gonna kill anybody, especially not your SO. Even if you don't mean it, some people don't take those kinds of things lightly.

 

At least you've learned something from this situation. You may not come away from this with a relationship, but you're willing to acknowledge your flaws and you can come away a better person. I think that's more valuable.

 

Just keep going to your counselor and working on yourself. You could also stick around here to learn from others' experiences. There's a lot of smart and insightful people here who know how to make their relationships work. I know it's helped me.

[NeoIQ]

To my knowledge she was not abused in the past. I guess different people have their own views on what abuse really is though. She told me before that she was abused by her mother. I asked what had happened. She said her mother spanked her with a fly swatter. To her, that was abuse. To me, I wished the only abuse I had was to be beat with a fly swatter. So, who is to say what abuse really is? It's like drinking. There are different versions of what an alcoholic is. Some think if you wake up every morning and grab that bottle off your night stand, well thats a problem. others say if you drink one drink a year you have a problem. So, where is the happy medium? That goes for most things in life. To one person something maybe extreme, and not even phase the next person.