I am back

[Brapting]

Hey guys so I am back. My last post was some time ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/593622-wow-have-i-been-some-trip-but-i-still-need#post7038073

 

Last summer/autumn I really threw myself into trying to improve my situation. I sought help, actually looked for social opportunities and started doing stuff. It felt great that I was actually making progress. For years I think that I had just given up and thought that it was impossible for me to have a 'normal' and active life rather than being isolated, a hermit. As my last post mentioned, I had begun to plateau though.

 

It was great to do things that I enjoyed. Football, public speaking classes. But in most instances, I felt unable to make any meaningful connections. My issue is that I cannot seem to form any social relationships and I mean ANY. For example, I would turn up to football and do the superficial basics. I would kind of feel like I was socialising I guess. But when it came to lingering after the game, chatting to people...I just seemed to 'freeze'. Go mute. It didn't matter how much I tried, I just can't form friendships and relationships. Public speaking was better, but I found myself enjoying playing football and the relief of saying goodbye and walking home...but not the socialising part. I was just too nervous. Terrified.

 

Things took a turn for the worst. First, my councillor said that she was no longer working for the health service and said that I would need to pay her £100 for 6 sessions and I should just tell the health service that I am doing okay now and I no longer need assistance. It all felt rather shady. She then said that some of the sessions may need to be over skype...which I said I didn't really like the sound of. But I was making so much progress, I went along with it and transferred the money. All the sessions were on skype and they ended up just trailing off with no end point. I know I agreed to it, but I have this feeling that I was kind of taken advantage of or something, by someone that I really trusted.

 

Around the same time, my boss went for me at work and moved to poor perform me. I still don't believe my performance had dipped but for some reason there had felt like a bit of friction between myself and upper management. The department was not well run and I think that they were making me a bit of a scapegoat, but I won't go into it. It was kind of devastating, but with a colleagues support, I argued my case and even put in a grievance. My public speaking classes came in very handy! My manager continued with the poor performance none the less, but eased off and began to judge that my performance had improved afterwards...even conceding that she had made a mistake.

 

Despite this. The damage felt like it had been done. Around that time, someone at football casually asked if I wanted to come out on a curry night with them. I didn't really think about it and said 'yes'...thinking that I would manage myself to attending later. The next day I got issued with my poor performance. The guy texted me about it, but I just made a lame excuse. It was hard enough trying to manage my anxiety and attempts at a social life when I was doing okay at work. Now I couldn't cope with it...and with that, I ceased all my social activities. The councillor offered a bit of help, but kind of disappeared after that...and that is how things have continued.

 

Since then I applied for a new job in a different department and got it! It is the department I always wanted to work at and given how distracting and poorly managed my old one was, I feel a lot calmer. I had grown quite close to a colleague platonically so that was quite a loss, but I think that it worth it to do something that I am actually interested in.

 

However, my lack of social life (again) is starting to feel like a sap on my energy and I am scared that it will effect my work again. Today I kind of realised that I haven't been close to anyone for such a long. I mean friends, girlfriend, lover, family. Nothing. I am so isolated that it is scary and I am starting to worry if I even know how to relate to people...or if I ever knew.

 

Weekends have become the same old thing again. Get home, drink, cook a bit, read a bit, watch youtube clips. In complete isolation. The other weekend I said nothing...from 17:00 Friday...to 09:00 Monday. Nothing at all. Who did I have to speak to? That isn't normal surely. That cannot be healthy.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really feel that there is something deeply wrong with me, like a mental illness or personality disorder or something. I mean I am still a virgin aged 29. My last relationship was 11 years ago. Occasionally I find myself on dating aps. Recently I got to the point of getting numbers and asking them out...then I realise that I would not have a clue what to do face to face. I would just sit there silently...I would be a disappointment...and I would remember the failure forever. So I pull out.

 

I used to fear the passing of time...it would motivate me to try and resolve my situation, my loneliness and make progress...but now I have almost accepted my fate. I cannot keep living the same cycle. Trying and failing, trying and failing...like some twisted, tortuous groundhog day. It really has worn me down and it hurts. Part of me has got used to the isolation. It no longer hurts and causes anxiety now...I would be fine in a prison cell.

 

I don't know what to do. I am so messed up. I consider going to a doctor again...but I struggle to convey all of this. It is hard to communicate in a 10 minute appointment anyway...and I feel an immense pressure to smile and present everything as fine really and that it is just a minor issue. Paradoxically, I actually present very well in public speaking/interview situations and last year a GP said "you don't seem anxious", my parents always said "you are fine really, you just need to X, Y and Z". I wish I shared their sentiment.

 

I don't know what to do besides suicide.

 

Anyway, thank you if you read all the way through. I would appreciate your comments although i honestly don't know if there is anything anyone can say to me that would help right now. I feel such despair and hopelessness. I am going to have a drink.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Brapting

[Brapting]

Sorry for this rambling post yesterday. I guess I was in a bad place. Most of what I said is true though and I don't really know what to do.

 

I started looking for social things to do in my area again today and I have thought about going back to 5 a side football soon. Seeing a counsellor at the same time was beneficial when I first started a year ago, it kind of held me to account and provided leverage to actually seek things rather than put it off. Looking for activities today kind of got me feeling excited again...and it brought back some of the positive feelings from last year, but again I felt that frantic anxiety. I remember that when I was trying all this stuff last year, I did feel good for it, but at the same time I was in a constant state of frantic anxiety. I cannot begin to describe how exhausting it is trying to manage that on a day to day basis. I mean I was going to social drinking meetups, meeting complete strangers and stuff like that. I don't really know if I have the coping skills to maintain that kind of lifestyle of being constantly on edge. The anxiety kind of consumes me and I don't have a support network, friends...I don't have anyone really, to talk to and decompress after trying these new things and meting new people. There is no one that I can relax with and talk it through with, work it out in my head and internalise it. It is just me bumping into strangers in an anxious state.

 

I don't know if I am making any sense. It seems like I am just bouncing between two extremes...an excited, anxious, frantic attempt to meet new people...vs. a complete disengagement from all social life.

[SpiralOut]

I can relate to your post.

 

What if you were to go back to football and do just that one thing? How many times per week or per month do you feel able to go out with people? I think you should start off small and do whatever feels manageable.

 

Since you find it hard to convey these feelings to a doctor, maybe you could print out your post, or at least part of it, and bring it to your appointment. I think you explained things well in writing.

Edited June 4, 2017 by SpiralOut

[Chilli]

Well, you've made some fantastic effort and changes,you should really give yourself a pat on the back with all that , it's big stuff, it's hard for anyone to do so give yourself some credit.

But yeah , l can imagine the always a stranger thing is tough but hey that too would be tough for most other people too so again you've done damn good, real good.

 

Sorry though l don't really have any advice - except a beer or two before you go in to loosen you up a bit. Have done that one myself plenty.

[Brapting]

Thank you guys. Everyone is always so supportive on here and I really am very grateful. I seem have been riding the high of attempting to socialise for a good few months. I kind of suspected that I would crash again if I didn't maintain it, but as usual, I tried to avoid thinking about it. Now I am crashing hard.

 

The same old thoughts and thinking patterns have slipped back in. I don't know...I don't want to get all negative on this chat, but I really honestly do think I am broken in someway and beyond help. Like really messed up. Try, fail, repeat. Try, fail, repeat. I am stuck in this nightmare that lasts for years. I kind of look forward to the day where I don't have to experience that anymore...whatever that means.

 

You know the one thing I was terrified about when I made my efforts last year is that it wouldn't stick. That I would 'hope' for a better existence...only to be disappointed by my own inadequacy or lack of consistency. I knew that to do that...would hurt so much...and now my fears are coming to fruition.

 

I can tell that my approach to life...my outlook. It's so negative and messed up compared to other people's...like abnormal and for the first time in a long time, I can't really see anyway out. I am barely surviving. I know I only have myself to blame. From age 19 to 26...I smoked cannabis daily...and I mean like cigarettes, sometimes skunk, 70% of the time on my own...in solitude. Yet every doctor, therapist, councillor that I have spoke to brushes over this. Personally I think my development is ****ed...and it is terrifying to think of the damage that I have done to my brain.

 

Gosh I don't know what I am going to do guys.

[marie25]

I feel like I have many things to say, but have had a long evening and will only write the basics, and will likely come back tomorrow to write a full length post.

 

First off, you are young and as cliche as it sounds, have a full long life ahead of you (if you allow it) that will be filled with emotion - including love, moments of elation and ecstasy, the feelings of accomplishment and pride, etc. You have many good days ahead of you that you don't even know of. The fact is that these years of effort are your becoming. Please try your best to seek more counseling - I know it's difficult but make it a priority.

 

Another thing I want to say is that your mind and thoughts are very powerful - they have the ability to make us think WE are the problem - "there must be something innately wrong with me, something everyone else has that I don't." That is WRONG, your thoughts are not fact. You have the capacity to healthy love and a happy, full life filled with people you care about just as much as me or anyone else. YOU have that right, you have the capacity within you and you are missing nothing. I can tell from your post that you are a person with such rich deep thoughts, and such pure spirit. You FEEL, which is a lot less than most of the superficial population. I can imagine you being a wonderful friend to someone, partner to a lover, etc. Point is, you have something that is a unique and beautiful quality: to care about others. You struggle with the superific

[marie25]

Sorry, am on mobile.

 

You struggle with the superficial nonsense that is small talk - and so do I. But that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there who would so appreciate the companionship and caringness that you can offer.

 

Keep your head up, and stay hopeful. The moment you start listening to those nasty thoughts in your head, the moment you lose hope, is the moment you start losing motivating to continue onto the better parts of life. I promise there will be, so please stay strong.

 

Seek counseling, work on yourself. Make your life as full as you can. Try improving yourself academically (or if you already have your degree, start thinking of ways to improve your career, etc).

 

Best of luck :-)

[lost87]

Social anxiety disorder my friend.. get to your GP. Sertraline/zoloft helps me along with Cognative behavioural therapy. Basically its how you view yourself and the world that needs changed. This is what causes your low confidence and self esteem. It is your thinking tbat is skewed but can be addressed through therapy. There are also many self help books.. i recommend - The power of now by eckhart tolle and a chimp paradox. Good luck ?

[Brapting]

Social anxiety disorder my friend.. get to your GP. Sertraline/zoloft helps me along with Cognative behavioural therapy. Basically its how you view yourself and the world that needs changed. This is what causes your low confidence and self esteem. It is your thinking tbat is skewed but can be addressed through therapy. There are also many self help books.. i recommend - The power of now by eckhart tolle and a chimp paradox. Good luck ��

 

Thank you my friend. I am pleased to report that I am aware of/have used both. Without reading and ahereing to the chimp paradox I would have never volunteered abroad.Without eckhart tolle, I would have never moved into my own flat and taken on the responsibilities that I have. Consistency has always been an issue, but recently I have been practising the Miracle Morning (as recommended by my GP no less). I am a month in and committed to doing it for the rest of my life. I have ensured that it incorporates both TCP and ET and I am feeling much better and focused. It gives me the structure I really need to progress.

 

It allows for a lot of reflection and without blame or neurosis, I have kind of identified a crucial turning point in my life. It is difficult to explain but after my first (and only) meaningful relationship (aged 17/18), my girlfriend at the time wanted to break up before going to university. I didn't want to. I loved her so much. But there is more to it. She had been overly flirtatious with other guys throughout the relationship. To a point that I didn't like and at points, I attempted to end the relationship. The last time I tried, at my most committed, I told her 'I think its time this ended'. She began crying and threatened to kill herself. No ambiguity, she said 'I don't know what I will do to myself when I get home if its over'. I said that we would keep trying.

 

Baring in mind that I was 17, 3 months later, while we were still 'trying' to make it work. Her dad died suddenly of a heart attack. My mind is still scarred with the memory of the person I loved more than anything, calling me, a 17 year old, at 4am in morning, and the first words I heard were her, another 17 year old, saying 'my dad has just died!'...in a frantic, hysterical state. I wish that I could erase that memory. I would wish it on no one.

 

From then on I made it my mission to try and support her and stay with her. Whatever it took. I would make her feel ok again. I tried so hard. She was abusive at times. She used to get me alone and pinch and scratch me until I bled. Initiate intimacy and hurt me. But I kept trying. I remember feeling dizzy and dissociated at times. I cared about her so much. But she stayed sad. It changed her (in hindsight, understandably).

 

After everything, she wanted to break up before university. She wanted to hug and say goodbye on our 'last day' together. But it hurt so much. I just left. We rang each other for a little while afterwards, but we were obviously drifting apart. I was so alone, from my family, from everything. I suddenly felt that it meant nothing to her, and stupidly, I tried to hurt her. During one of the calls, I blurted out that I had met a girl and we had already sealed it (so to speak). She broke down...and that was it. Truth is, I had met a girl, but it never went that far. I immediately felt stupid, guilty, bad for saying it. But it was too late. A month or so later, feeling totally alone at uni, I got my first essay/assignment back. A fail. I felt dreadful and I had no one to talk to.

 

Around this time, I happened to strike up a conversation with an old friend via message. She has gone to the same college as me an my ex and was at the same university as my ex. Desperate for some re-connection with my ex, I blurted out the question 'has she mentioned me at all?'. The reply was, 'she has talked about you when she was drunk, she said that you didn't support her properly when her dad died. I'm sorry'.

 

THIS WAS THE MOMENT. I cannot explain it. It is weird how such a seemingly insignificant event destroyed my world. The only way I can describe it is ripping me apart at the seams. I changed when I heard those words. It really did scar and damage me to the core.

 

I wish I was just looking for things in my memories and finding excuses. But factually, within 6 months, I was smoking cannabis daily, on my own. Within a month, I had started buying self improvement books, convinced that, as my ex had always said 'I need to change'. That there was something intrinsically wrong with me.

 

From as an objective view as it is possible to take, this one event really screwed me. I am thankful that I am making progress now. But I think it may always hurt.

Edited August 13, 2017 by Brapting