Needing input

[bubbaganoosh]

Hi everyone,

But it's cheating. Plain and simple.

 

You just answered your own question. Now do something to improve your marriage

[Sleeplessinsydney]

Bubbaganoosh, did you not read my replies??

[SnowBaby]

This situation happened with my husband. I don't know if he had an affair or not or whether it was emotional.

 

When I found out I was livid, as one can imagine. I forwarded all messages to her husband and her children. I figured if our kids would possibly be going through a divorce, then hers should be aware as well.

 

Needless to say this did not go over well for her. My husband and I's relationship became stronger. He didn't run to her, but rather begged me to stay.

 

Why am I telling you this, because there may be horrendous repercussions to your actions. If it worth it?

[aileD]

This situation happened with my husband. I don't know if he had an affair or not or whether it was emotional.

 

When I found out I was livid, as one can imagine. I forwarded all messages to her husband and her children. I figured if our kids would possibly be going through a divorce, then hers should be aware as well.

 

Needless to say this did not go over well for her. My husband and I's relationship became stronger. He didn't run to her, but rather begged me to stay.

 

Why am I telling you this, because there may be horrendous repercussions to your actions. If it worth it?

 

You told her kids???? How old were they?

[deadsoul]

Oh and I'm not a bad person but I nearly made a very bad, selfish, and unthinking decision. So I do want to thank you for the boot up the arse that I most definitely needed. I have just blocked the FL on social media so there will be no more contact. If any of you have some suggestions as to how I can improve my marriage, I'm open and willing to listen / try any suggestions.

 

Thanks again.

 

No. You are not a bad person. You just were on the road to making some very bad choices... I'm really glad to read this. Keep posting because things with your H won't change over night, but now that you are putting all your energy there, you stand a good chance of succeeding. :)

[aileD]

On behalf of your husband, I thank you .

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am so very very glad to hear you have made the decision to cling to your husband and block your old boyfriend.

 

I wish you the very best of luck...and hope you continue to nuture your love for your husband

[BetrayedDad]

"No one would be hurt" - famous last words.

 

Remember that when your H is destroyed and no longer looks at you with the same look in his eyes.

 

Remember that when you have to explain to your kids why mom and dad are no longer living together.

 

Remember that when your H is hysterically crying, alternating between calling you every vile name in the book, and telling you he loves you.

 

Remember that when you're alone in a one bedroom apartment, trying to figure out where it all went wrong, and how you wound up all alone.

 

If this is something you must do, do it right. Divorce your H. Have your night of wild sex. And then remember how you thought no one would be hurt, as you drive home to no one.

 

You are no longer wife material. Divorce your H.

 

I wish I could "like" this comment twice.

[Sleeplessinsydney]

BetrayedDad. I agree with everything GoldenR says as well. This is why I posted here. I needed a reality check. But I disagree with the 'you are no longer wife material'. It was a (bad) thought I was entertaining in my head for many reasons. I'm sure you've heard the laundry list before so I won't bore you with it again. But I love my husband and AM NOT going to betray his trust. It was a stupid, selfish, thoughtless, immature fantasy that got the knock on the head that it needed. Thinking things does not make me a bad person or a bad wife. Actions are what define a person. I have taken immediate action and blocked FL on social media. I do not deny my thought process was wrong but I won't accept from you or anyone that I am a bad wife.

[usa1ah]

Oh and I'm not a bad person but I nearly made a very bad, selfish, and unthinking decision. So I do want to thank you for the boot up the arse that I most definitely needed. I have just blocked the FL on social media so there will be no more contact. If any of you have some suggestions as to how I can improve my marriage, I'm open and willing to listen / try any suggestions.

 

Thanks again.

 

Be honest with your husband about how you are feeling. The only way to fix your marriage is for both of you to start out on the same page.

 

Good luck

[usa1ah]

Thank you Harry. He actually does not know my address. I've never given it to him. I think I have disabled his ability to pursue me by blocking him on social media. He doesn't have my phone number. That's not to say he won't try as he has very strong feelings. But the responses in this forum have given me a huge reality check. I love my husband. I want to grow old with him. We hardly see each other as he commutes to work four hours a day and by the time he gets home, I'm exhausted. But we will have to carve out time. We lie in bed on weekend mornings and chat for hours about everything. We always make each other laugh. Honestly, apart from the sex and lack of decent chunks of quality time, the relationship is in good shape. And I'm not willing to jeapordise it.

 

Then start fantasizing about your H and well rock his world.

[usa1ah]

Do you know the reason for the decline in sex?

 

I use to do the 4 hour round trip myself for a couple of yrs. I was pretty worn out by the end of the week. That never effected my wanting to be with my wife intimately 24/7. All she ever had to do was snuggle up to me and I was ready to go.

[Sleeplessinsydney]

Thanks USA. There's a whole list of reasons, partly the stressors that we have been dealing with for a long time and have been focused as a team in putting out fires, partly because of my exhaustion at the end of the day due to a chronic pain problem. I'm always in bed and fast asleep before he is. I'm asleep at 9, he likes to de-stress by reading or watching tv or just sitting by the fire until midnight. There's no lack of attraction on either side. It's just finding the time, the mood etc. I realise now that this is something I'm going to have to try and fix but not sure how, given the circumstances. Any ideas?

[arobk]

There is a ted talk on deadbedrooms also there is a subreddit on reddit for deadbedrooms. You may find some help there.

[usa1ah]

Sorry to hear about the C pain problem. I was in a motorcycle accident some years ago and can relate. The thing is with everything you said, you still had it for the OM. You need to talk with your H about this.

 

Did you ever turn down his advances in the past due to the problems you have?

 

If you had, he might have given up because of that. No man is going to beg for intimacy with his wife, after so many rejections he will stop trying.

[QuietDan]

Thanks USA. There's a whole list of reasons, partly the stressors that we have been dealing with for a long time and have been focused as a team in putting out fires, partly because of my exhaustion at the end of the day due to a chronic pain problem. I'm always in bed and fast asleep before he is. I'm asleep at 9, he likes to de-stress by reading or watching tv or just sitting by the fire until midnight. There's no lack of attraction on either side. It's just finding the time, the mood etc. I realise now that this is something I'm going to have to try and fix but not sure how, given the circumstances. Any ideas?

How about "Just Do It". Be intentional with action. Don't just wait around for the "mood".

[Overtaxed]

How about "Just Do It". Be intentional with action. Don't just wait around for the "mood".

 

It really is this simple. You don't wait around until you're "in the mood" to go to the gym, at least not if you want to be healthy. A physical relationship with your partner should be the same way. It's the glue of your relationship, work at it, and the relationship gets stronger. Stay home on the couch watching TV instead of going to the "gym", you wind up out of shape. And the physical part of your relationship has the wonder advantage of, instead of leading to sore muscles, leads to orgasms and pleasure that's beyond anything else in the human experience. I'll never understand why this gets to messed up in so many relationships (including mine, so, don't cast stones from a glass house), but, it really is that simple. Just do it. Takes a few minutes a day. It's good for you. It's fantastic for your relationship. It feels good (and if it doesn't, speak up and figure out how to make it feel good). Why we see dozens of "sexless marriage" threads a week with these as the advantages and well.. Nothing as the downside. I'll never understand it.

[Zona]

Hi everyone,

 

My husband and I have pretty much a sexless marriage. We do love each other but what chemistry we had faded long ago, despite many efforts on my part. I've lamented over the years that I'll never experience great sex ever again.

 

You need to keep working on this no matter what it takes.

 

Sex, intimacy, communication and overall marital happiness are completely interrelated for the vast majority of couples.

 

My advice would be to find a way to spice up your marriage! There is plenty of advice on the Internet about what you can try.

 

Of course it would be super dumb to meet up with an old flame as everyone has mentioned. To think you could just have a fling like that for one night and then just move on like nothing happened is fantasyland stuff.

[usa1ah]

You need to keep working on this no matter what it takes.

 

Sex, intimacy, communication and overall marital happiness are completely interrelated for the vast majority of couples.

 

My advice would be to find a way to spice up your marriage! There is plenty of advice on the Internet about what you can try.

 

Of course it would be super dumb to meet up with an old flame as everyone has mentioned. To think you could just have a fling like that for one night and then just move on like nothing happened is fantasyland stuff.

 

 

Just don't follow the advice that cheating will spice up the marriage.

[Zona]

Just don't follow the advice that cheating will spice up the marriage.

 

Reread the last paragraph.

 

Cheating would almost certainly destroy her marriage, or at the very least destroy her husband.

 

The "spicing up" is a separate issue, but almost as important.

 

As for the temptation to cheat, she is standing at the door to hell. It is up to her to decide if she is going to enter or not. Obviously it would be a life altering mistake.

 

If she wants to go ahead and meet the guy for a fling, I agree she should divorce her husband first as this would be much less damaging.

Edited June 5, 2017 by Zona

[elaine567]

If she wants to go ahead and meet the guy for a fling, I agree she should divorce her husband first as this would be much less damaging.

 

Read the thread, she has already decided that cheating is a very bad idea. #22

[Zona]

Read the thread, she has already decided that cheating is a very bad idea. #22

 

Yes, that is why I said she should focus on bringing back sex into the marriage. It was someone else who misconstrued what I said, so that I felt the need to address the infidelity aspect again which has already been dealt with.

[mikeylo]

The best way to spice up sex is to have more emotional intimacy. The higher emotional intimacy, hotter the sex. Go figure!

[Zona]

The best way to spice up sex is to have more emotional intimacy. The higher emotional intimacy, hotter the sex. Go figure!

 

Yes, I agree, but the question for many couples is how to get higher emotional intimacy in their marriage. I doubt the path there is the same for every couple. For my wife and I, it was about opening up about our fantasies and sexual thoughts and desires. Of course, be careful about sharing such things if you have weird fetishes, or if your spouse thinks you actually want to engage in all those behaviors for real! I was always clear about that to avoid any misunderstandings. You can push the envelope a little as long as you are careful and open. Some guys may be surprised to find out their wife has a mind just as dirty as they do . We've even gone to a live erotic show in Vegas, and watched some adult movies together. For us that was pushing the envelope because we are fairly prude-ish. It's really helped steam up the sex, and our intimacy and closeness has never been better. The other thing is she has started working out again, and has lost most of the "baby fat" so to speak. I've dropped about 15 pounds myself. A curvy, sexy body is one of the best aphrodisiacs for most men.

[BTDT2012]

Tell your ex that you would love to meet up with him and that you will be bringing your husband along.

 

Don't cheat.