Needing input

[mikeylo]

Yes, I agree, but the question for many couples is how to get higher emotional intimacy in their marriage. I doubt the path there is the same for every couple. For my wife and I, it was about opening up about our fantasies and sexual thoughts and desires. Of course, be careful about sharing such things if you have weird fetishes, or if your spouse thinks you actually want to engage in all those behaviors for real! I was always clear about that to avoid any misunderstandings. You can push the envelope a little as long as you are careful and open. Some guys may be surprised to find out their wife has a mind just as dirty as they do . We've even gone to a live erotic show in Vegas, and watched some adult movies together. For us that was pushing the envelope because we are fairly prude-ish. It's really helped steam up the sex, and our intimacy and closeness has never been better. The other thing is she has started working out again, and has lost most of the "baby fat" so to speak. I've dropped about 15 pounds myself. A curvy, sexy body is one of the best aphrodisiacs for most men.

 

I agree.

 

Emotional intimacy opens all the doors, be it communication or whatever.

 

See your bolded. You BOTH wanted to and BOTH tried. That is the key. It means you BOTH have the emotional bond for each to be able to speak their mind and the other to be open to listen and act. Its not a one way street.

 

To keep it going, that bond needs to be nurtured each and every day. Get lazy one day and boom ! The more happy and successful relationships are , more hard work and sacrifice in them by BOTH.

[usa1ah]

Reread the last paragraph.

 

Cheating would almost certainly destroy her marriage, or at the very least destroy her husband.

 

The "spicing up" is a separate issue, but almost as important.

 

As for the temptation to cheat, she is standing at the door to hell. It is up to her to decide if she is going to enter or not. Obviously it would be a life altering mistake.

 

If she wants to go ahead and meet the guy for a fling, I agree she should divorce her husband first as this would be much less damaging.

 

Not saying anything bad about your post.

All of it is true. Just reference to some articles that say having a fling would improve ones marriage.

[Zona]

Not saying anything bad about your post.

All of it is true. Just reference to some articles that say having a fling would improve ones marriage.

 

IMO, any time you bring a 3rd party or parties into your bedroom to "spice up your marriage", as some suggest in such articles, you are taking a huge risk, no matter how many rules and guidelines you agree to up front with your spouse. People are people, and they may get a taste of some forbidden fruit that they want more of, even if they have to bend the rules to get it.

[usa1ah]

IMO, any time you bring a 3rd party or parties into your bedroom to "spice up your marriage", as some suggest in such articles, you are taking a huge risk, no matter how many rules and guidelines you agree to up front with your spouse. People are people, and they may get a taste of some forbidden fruit that they want more of, even if they have to bend the rules to get it.

 

I agree 200%. Never do this unless you want to destroy your marriage.

[somanymistakes]

I agree 200%. Never do this unless you want to destroy your marriage.

 

It's a risk like any other risk - changing careers, moving across the country, all kinds of things risk breaking up your marriage.

 

Many couples stay together for decades very happily with all kinds of weird arrangements. On the other hand, springing that kind of thing on your spouse as a surprise or pushing them into it is pretty much a guaranteed breakup.

[Zona]

It's a risk like any other risk - changing careers, moving across the country, all kinds of things risk breaking up your marriage.

 

Many couples stay together for decades very happily with all kinds of weird arrangements. On the other hand, springing that kind of thing on your spouse as a surprise or pushing them into it is pretty much a guaranteed breakup.

 

Yeah isn't that the crazy thing about marriage? Staying in a real comfort zone and never taking any risks can, in itself, be a risk, because the sex can become really boring and routine, and ultimately infrequent.

 

That "naughty" feeling you had when you making out in the backseat of your car, or sneaking around behind her parents backs made it really exciting. After you have been married for a while, what can you do to get that naughty feeling back?

 

I don't judge what people do in this regard, but you do have to take into account your personalities, and what you can tolerate. Those "weird arrangements" are probably more suitable for adrenaline junkies who love taking risks.

[jenkins95]

Hey Sydney!

 

I'm so glad that this thread helped you get clarity on this and credit to you for seeking advice before going any further down this path!

 

I totally agree that you should never cheat. It causes pain and destruction in so many ways as I and many others have found out first hand. Never risk unleashing that hell on your marriage.

 

That said, and for what it's worth, I completely disagree wth posters who say "divorce your husband", "you don't love him", "you've already been having an EA for years", etc, etc. Massive overreaction in my opinion and there's no way we can know this just from what you've written. To me it seems like you've simply had a few over familiar emails with him and you've let a naughty, secret fantasy creep into your head - a fantasy that you've now easily been able to extinguish having read this advice - good for you.

 

As for the intimacy in your marriage, that can come back too. I am finding this out now in reconciliation, because we are working so hard on it. If only we'd put this work in before I ever had an affair! But you can certainly try!

 

I wish you nothing but the very best. Keep posting!

Edited June 5, 2017 by jenkins95

[Sleeplessinsydney]

Jenkins, thank you!!! You've read the situation perfectly. It actually really was only a few sentimental emails. We talked about all of our mutual friends etc. And it really was just a (ridiculous) fantasy in my head.

 

You know what I did today? Now this might seem like such a strange solution but hear me out. Firstly, I thought to myself, why, in my entire life have I *ever* entertained such a fantasy. On reflection, I think it's because we met when we were young and before the proverbial s*** hit the fan that was my life. My parent died and I raised myself from the age of 15. But talking to FL brought me back to such a happy place - before life was irrevocably changed.

 

So what to do? I decided to get back to that space in my head when I fell head over heels for my husband. Music is a huge thing for me - it's the soundtrack of my life. So I put together a playlist of all the songs that reminded me of falling in love with him. Sonic Youth, Fat Boy Slim, Portis Head, Massive Attack etc. And it worked. I was transported back in time and my heart was pounding, I had butterflies in my chest. It reminded me of all those amazing feelings. And they (obviously) have grown so much deeper over the years we've been together and the challenges we've faced.

 

I know that's not going to do it for everybody and I'm not so naive that I think that's all I have to do. But it got me out of a bad head space and back into a great one, which - for me - will make the challenge more fun!

 

And thank you everyone for your input. I hope other men and women who are possibly heading down the same dangerous path I was will see this thread if they type a question like mine in google and get some great advice - and a reality check :-)

 

Syd

[jenkins95]

Brilliant post Syd!

 

You'll be okay, I just know you will! What happened is nothing to be overly concerned about given your latest posts. We're all human, we all have fantasies, nearly all marriages have low points and we sometimes question our lives and occasionally wonder what another life may have looked like - it's just in our nature! The danger comes when we attempt to actually put our fantasies into action.... And I'm ashamed to admit that I did just that, and we're still paying for it years later.

 

Great idea about the music! It sometimes can be something as simple as that just to get our mind onto a different track - good for you. And you took me right back to my own carefree days when you mentioned those bands! I would add a few others to my personal list, such as Blur, The Clash and The Wonder Stuff! Whenever I listen to that stuff it takes me right back to when I first met my wife. We just smiled and laughed and danced constantly - all night long. Life can't be like that forever, but it's great to think back and it reminds us what a fantastic connection we are capable of.

 

Really proud of you Syd. And again great Kudos to you for coming here. Keep posting!

[Zona]

Still, be super careful about continuing contact. This forum is full of stories of women who let it go too far with old flames and their marriages were wrecked. They didn't go into it with any bad intentions, but feelings can be fickle and hard to control, especially over a long period of time.

 

Your music idea was great, but the main thing is to avoid temptation in the first place. You obviously still have feelings for the guy.

[deadsoul]

This is so good to read Syd. I think that's a good idea... I might have to try it as well.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sydney, good to see that you pulled back from the brink. There was another poster here a short while ago in a similar situation who said she was in a happy marriage and whose marital situation was, by others standards idyllic. She too had been married 15 years or more. Well she actively searched out her first love on Facebook just out of idle curiosity and linked up with him. She stated that she had always"Carried a flame" for him for the last 25 years and would drop her husband and family in a heart beat if this 'first love' wanted her back. Well as it turned out that he did want her back but 'only' for sex. She ended up having a PA until the good folk were able to convince her she was on the highway to hell. I think her moniker was Angeleyes or some such and the sad thing is she was an over forty woman who would have been expected to exercise much more maturity in the matter. So I guess you just avoided a minefield.

 

On another note, I remember reading an article somewhere where a lady wrote that her marriage had devolved into a sexless partnership with her husband and she was worried that it would tragically impact their relationship. Well she came up with a plan to make a New Year's resolution along with her husband that they would have sex every day for the next 365 days of the year come Hell or High water and then take stock of things. Well they went through that exercise difficult though it was especially when one or the other or both were not in the mood. At the end they found that their emotional bond had strengthened beyond measure and their physical desire for each other had increased by bounds. After this experiment they toned down their sexual interludes to a more manageable level but the problem of sexlessness was knocked on it's head. I guess the adage "Where there's a will there's a way" rings true. The added advantage that the lady reported was that their stress levels from life's daily problems had reduced considerably as long as they continued having regular sex. So I guess if you are stressed have sex should be your new mantra( chuckle)!

 

One other thing, do you have children? If you do you've just done them a big favour! Warm wishes.

[Sleeplessinsydney]

Zona: I'm an expert at switching off my feelings due to my childhood. The moment I got my first batch of responses on this thread, I blocked all contact and haven't thought about FL. What I have been doing is analysing how I came to that fantasy in my head. It's helped me to understand a lot.

 

Deadsoul, if you're into music, it really works! H comes home from work and the lovely butterflies in my stomach have returned in full force.

 

Jenkins: we have the same taste in music!!!

 

Justaguy: Thank you. I would be up for the 365 day challenge but my pain condition prevents it. What I could do though, is be opportunistic. In that whenever I'm not feeling too much pain, I could grab H, go for dinner and re-connect that way.

 

Thank you again so much for all of your feedback, support, suggestions, and encouragement. You've probably saved a lot of terrible heartbreak. X

[Zona]

I suppose a happy marriage is possible without sex, but sex is such an amazing way to foster intimacy. Hopefully you can find something to restart that fire. The worst period in my marriage was when my kids were young and my wife and I were barely having sex. Enter a good looking, former professional athlete co-worker who had the hots for my wife right during that time, and now a slight cloud of suspicion will always linger because of it. Many on this site are convinced my wife did have an affair with him, although I never found any concrete proof. She did contact him again recently via facebook which I discovered by accident because she left a laptop signed into facebook that was showing the messages. Even though she kept it (almost) totally clean on her side, it put tremendous stress on our marriage for a month or two while we dealt with it.

 

Moral of the story, don't have contacts that your spouse would not approve of, no matter how innocent you think it might be, and second, do whatever it takes to rekindle sex and romance in your marriage as my wife and I have done. Our intimacy and closeness are as good as when we were newlyweds. It's about the best insurance against the temptation to cheat as you can get IMO.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sydney, guess you are doing great. However your chronic pain seems to be the fly in the ointment! What is it due to and is it not curable with meds or surgery? I guess you should look into it seriously. You could also look at alternative medical procedures such as acupuncture, Homeopathy or Ayurveda. If you ever think of taking a vacation to the East visit Kerala in India where they have ayurveda clinics which have proved to have excellent results for disorders of the kind you have. Hope things work out for you. Warm wishes.

[BetrayedDad]

BetrayedDad. I agree with everything GoldenR says as well. This is why I posted here. I needed a reality check. But I disagree with the 'you are no longer wife material'. It was a (bad) thought I was entertaining in my head for many reasons. I'm sure you've heard the laundry list before so I won't bore you with it again. But I love my husband and AM NOT going to betray his trust. It was a stupid, selfish, thoughtless, immature fantasy that got the knock on the head that it needed. Thinking things does not make me a bad person or a bad wife. Actions are what define a person. I have taken immediate action and blocked FL on social media. I do not deny my thought process was wrong but I won't accept from you or anyone that I am a bad wife.

 

I agree with you and wish my wife posted here before starting her affair. My "like" was really for the other 99% of what GoldenR stated.