She is stressed/depressed and doesn't talk to me anymore?

[Birdman56]

I started dating this girl a few of months ago. We hit it off super well, spent almost every day together, smothered each other etc. I thought I'd finally found a girl I wanted to commit to after dating for years. Long story short, she had to move back to her home town for work, I left to go overseas for work a month ago and still have 2 months left.

 

Before we left we agree'd to do the long distance thing. She told me there was no one else she wanted to be with and promised me she'd wait. I old her I felt the same way and I'd come back for her and we agreed that if our feelings changed we'd let each other know. She also flew to come see me before I left where she stayed with my family for a few days before leaving and before I left she told me she loved me.

 

About a week into the trip I noticed she became the slightest bit distant and I had this strange gut feeling that something had changed. I asked her if everything was ok and she said yes, she just wasn't feeling well.

 

Now this was probably a major red flag that I missed in the beginning because I was to sucked up in everything. She has an ex of 6 years back home that she herself broke it off with a year ago. I know they still talk as I've noticed her text him while I was with her a few time. He also tried to Skype her while we were watching a movie on her laptop one day. It was early days and I didn't want to make a fuss about it. I also have no idea what they talk about.

 

A few more days went by and curiosity got the better of me. I asked what the go with her ex was and if she still had feelings. Her response was that she still cares about him alot but wouldn't be with me if she still loved her ex where and told me 6 years but nothing more. She seemed a bit surprised that I asked and asked where it came from. I just told her it was curiosity and ended up saying I didn't want to get caught up in a love triangle. She said it wasn't going to happen.

 

Once again, nothing changed. She eventually sent me a message saying sorry I haven't been talking much I'm having a hard time with life ATM just know that my feelings for you haven't changed. I told her I I was there if she needed me.

 

The minimal contact started to get to me and I ended up calling her and everything seemed fine. The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster. I ended up breaking a few days later and messaged her saying we should probably go seperate ways as I could feel the connection was fading. She called me as though she panicked and talked me out of it. She said things are just different because of the distance and that everything was ok. I told her I wanted to be with her and she said she wanted to be with me too and she was just stressed.

 

Now it's really starting to effect me. She'll ignore most of my messages, but msg me now and then saying things like 'Hi x' or goodnight xxx I miss you. A couple of nights ago I was drunk and proper broke. I called her and asked straight up what was going on and told her that her not talking to me was killing me. I said that if something was wrong she had to tell me so I could move on. I guess I was trying to get something out of her so I could stop guessing. To be honest I was hoping she would tell me she hooked up with her ex or something just so I knew what was going on.

 

I got nothing. She ended up just saying she didn't know what to say. Promised nothing was happening and that she was really stressed and depressed and about to lose her house and dog. She also said she wasn't good at talking about her feelings and didn't know how to do long distance and said she was sorry

I felt really bad and ended up calling her in the morning to apologise where everything seemed fine.

 

Right now I don't know what to do. A part of me thinks something is up, while another part of me trusts her that she actually is stressed. I just don't know how someone's behaviour can change this much. It feels like she has zero feelings for me right now, but on the phone everything seems ok.

 

I want to be there for her but it's starting to tear me apart. I've tried asking her to tell me what's going on. I've told her to let me go, but she just keeps saying everything is fine. It's been about 48 hours since I've heard from her now and the dark thoughts are starting to go through my head again.

 

Is she seeing her ex again? Would she tell me?

Has she lost interest?

Is she actually depressed and this is how people act when depressed?

Is she leading me on because she doesn't want to be alone?

Why would she tell me she loves me and come meet my family if she didn't?

Am I just being insecure?

 

I've never been in this situation before and don't know how to deal with it. I thought if she had lost interest or something was going on she would have told me or dissapeared by now. I really love this girl and want to be there for her, I don't want to give up just to find out she was actually depressed but right now I'm struggling to cope and the anxiety is killing me. I guess I can keeping going for 2 months and see what happens when I get home, but it will shatter me if she tells me she doesn't want to see me when I get back after I suffer 2 more months.

 

Has anyone dealt with this situation before? Does she just need space? I'm a bit of a mess right now. I just wish she'd open up.

[Chilli]

But if she's about to lose her house , what's going on there, how come , is it her's or renting?

and her dog ?

Ther must be some really big stuff going on for her , huge stuff and she's depressed and worried sick.

are you helping her get through whatever all that is ?

It sounds like a really bad time to be at her about you two , you gotta be patient with her right now and ease up a bit on her l think with all her other things going on or she's likely to crack and end up just telling you to fk off with what she must be going through.

 

Don't think l'd be worried about they ex , l mean they've had 6 yrs to get back and they haven't so why now, and she dumped him.

She does sound a bit low about you two but she has explained and assured you too , add what she must be going through at home. Me l think for now l'd be trying to trust in what she's telling you and ease up and l'd be trying to help her get through all that and hoping for the best right now. Hopefully she'll just fill you more in herself as you go and things at her end hopefully improve or she finds a way out of whatever going on there.

 

Good luck

[Birdman56]

She won't tell me exactly what's going which is why I'm so worried. The first time I asked what was stressing her, she said 'just life' which doesn't help at all. I managed to get her to mention the house and the dog when I was probing her on the phone but she wouldn't say anymore. It's weird because she's only renting and she already told me she was moving in a month. I offered to be there to help but she just said it's okay I'm just super depressed.

 

Maybe I just don't understand depression. I guess I'll just have to take a step back.

 

Also, just to clarify she was with her ex for 6 years, not broken up for six. They've only been seperated for a year which is why I was kind of worried about that. I haven't told her that though because I didn't want to look insecure. Maybe she picked up on it a little when I asked what the go was with him a few weeks ago though.

[d0nnivain]

She ended up just saying she didn't know what to say. Promised nothing was happening and that she was really stressed and depressed and about to lose her house and dog.

 

 

You met a fabulous woman who is right now facing homelessness & having to abandon her beloved pet but you're upset because she doesn't call you enough? Her stress has nothing to do with you. Unless you are willing to give her cash to save her house (which would be a seriously bad idea), pressuring her makes you insensitive.

 

 

If you meant what you said that you care about her & that you will be there for her, stop pressuring her. Let her sort out the critical aspects of her life & then she will get back to you.

 

 

That said, the presence of the recent EX & her texting would give me pause too. So you either trust that her issues have to do with her living arrangements or you break up. Nobody needs long distance stress.

[preraph]

I ended an LDR when I was stressed and depressed a few years ago. Real life will just make an LDR look like a puff of smoke that blows away. Doesn't mean after she's settled she won't come back. But she's got a lot bigger problems than cultivating an LDR at this point. She is in crisis. I never recommend sending money to anyone, but if she's in a huge crisis, and this is a woman you dated for some time in person before she moved and you feel she's important in your life, maybe send her some money to help her out of this jam. And do it assuming and telling her you never want it back if you're going to do it. Otherwise, do not do it. And don't expect it to buy a relationship back. Because it won't, but if you care, it would probably help her. So if you feel you are THE man in her life, that that is your status, help her. If not, accept she's drifting away.

[devilish innocent]

Maybe she is just not that communicative when you are messaging each other rather than spending time together? My husband and I were in a long-distance relationship for years before we were married. Things were always great in person, and we liked to hear each other's voice on the phone, but messaging each other all the time got boring. There was a period early on were we both felt we had to communicate electronically to prove we were there for each other. Then we talked it over, and realized that we both felt like it was more of a chore. We still cared about each other, but the electronic communication just did not make us feel connected the way other forms of communication did.

 

Maybe your girlfriend is the same way. She might care about you but would rather save what she has to say for the phone or when she sees you. I fear that by constantly questioning her about messaging you, you're only going to push her further away. Let her remember how much she wants to see you and talk to you. Don't push her to communicate with you in a medium that may not feel meaningful to her, or she will only get frustrated. Good luck!

[Birdman56]

Yeah so I asked if I could call earlier... no reply this time. Nothing I can do now but brace for heartbreak.

[Bastile]

I've had two of these work. And I've had one fail.

 

In England, we have a lot of immigration from around Europe, based on open borders. Which means we have many beautiful foreign women going back and forth from here and their home country.

 

Making something like this quite a modern necessity in dating if you live anywhere around the London area (where immigration is very high), and you get in relationships with these women.

 

I had a great relationship last year with an Italian girl who went back to Italy for three months during that time. Which went fine over long-distance.

 

Point is that I have experience with it enough to tell you that yours will not work.

 

Starting with your end (which is the only end which you can really control), you are far too needy. You need to be okay with giving people space. You can judge that she might be pulling away slightly, but you can't necessarily judge why. Give her freedom.

 

People can resent others who deny them their freedom. Or whom they see as trying to restrict it.

 

Keeping up long-distance communication can be tough at times. There were times when I felt pressure. And there are occasions where it's really healthy to give space to each other. Clinging and pressurizing people will have the opposite of the effect which you want.

 

As for her end, it seems like she is doing the absolute bare minimum to keep you on the hook. There isn't any sincere investment on her part. Now, that very well could be because you are being needy or boring. But, you suddenly aren't going to be able to change that within a week or two for this very particular situation enough for it to make sense to continue it.

 

She seems low-interest, and you seem needy. It's not going to last the three months.

 

But, if you want to try, I suggest you never directly communicate about her ex ever again. He's some bozo that doesn't matter. Other men don't exist when you talk to her.

 

Stop keep talking about problems like this and her “pulling away”. If every time you speak to each other, and it's about this, then that is only going to ruin the situation further.

 

When you communicate, ignore those things and keep it positive and fun. Then yeah, you can be more deep and thoughtful.

 

And when she is being miserable, just leave it.

[Chilli]

maybe not. give her a bit more time.

hopefully it's not the ex too.

Edited June 4, 2017 by Chilli

[Birdman56]

Ugh I'm such an idiot. I probably deserve to lose this girl.

 

She eventually replied saying she was too hungover to talk. All that went though my head was 'who is ever too hungover to talk to someone they love' and wondered what she was doing all night. All I could think of was her sleeping with someone else. I guess I've lost my trust.

 

I ended up asking if she still loves me... No reply. Has anyone broke up with someone they love' before? What am I supposed to say. I don't think I can go on much longer. People were asking me at dinner if I was alright I was so spaced out... That's not a good sign.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ugh I'm such an idiot. I probably deserve to lose this girl.

 

She eventually replied saying she was too hungover to talk. All that went though my head was 'who is ever too hungover to talk to someone they love' and wondered what she was doing all night. All I could think of was her sleeping with someone else. I guess I've lost my trust.

 

I ended up asking if she still loves me... No reply. Has anyone broke up with someone they love' before? What am I supposed to say. I don't think I can go on much longer. People were asking me at dinner if I was alright I was so spaced out... That's not a good sign.

 

There's not much you can do right now if she's not replying. Did you actually ask her if she'd slept with someone else?

 

She made it clear she didn't want to talk at that moment. Asking her if she loves you was a little much, given that it was not really the right time to be doing so. However, I feel that her lack of a response to your question is telling: she was either irritated that you were bringing that up at that moment, or she doesn't know how to tell you that she's not feeling it anymore.

 

I'd leave it alone for a bit now and try to clear your mind. You two do need to talk, but I feel it should be done over a phone call or webcam, not through messaging.

[GemmaUK]

She has a lot on her plate but you seem to be making it all about you.

 

Let her deal with what she needs to deal with.

 

To be honest though I can't see this lasting, you sound far too insecure to date long distance or date someone who might have life going on with all the bad bits as well as the good.

[Birdman56]

So I finally spoke to her. She said she can't give me what I need right now, that being attention, but is willing to try again when I get back. She said she wasn't looking to hook up with other people or anything but just had to be alone for a while and can't have a relationship with me while I'm so far away and not there for her.

 

She said the feelings are still there, but she couldn't promise everything would be the same when I get back which I kind of understand.

 

As for the dog, she's had to give him to her ex because she can't have him in the place where she's moving. I asked about the ex during our conversation and I'm fairly convinced there's nothing going on there. I trust her.

 

I guess I just have to try enjoy my time away and prepare myself that I may have lost her by the time I get back.

[d0nnivain]

Do you understand that you lost her because you smothered her?

 

You may not be cut out for an LDR.

[Birdman56]

Ugh yes I kind of thought that. She was giving me nothing though and I couldn't cope. There's nothing I can say or do to fix it now I guess I just got too clingy

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it's also quite possible that she would have ended this regardless. If she's struggling with depression and serious stress in her life, there's every chance that she would have opted out of the relationship sooner or later to deal with her issues. The fact that she was already pulling back indicates she was struggling to keep all the balls in the air, anyway.

 

Your clingy behaviour might have only expedited the inevitable, so don't be too hard on yourself.

[Birdman56]

I can't help but think what she would be like with me now if I never brought up that I thought she was losing interest, never brought up the ex and all the other feelings I poured out

[ExpatInItaly]

I can't help but think what she would be like with me now if I never brought up that I thought she was losing interest, never brought up the ex and all the other feelings I poured out

 

Just as distant as she was before, probably.

[Birdman56]

She said she still wants to stay in contact. Is that wise, or should I just try move on?

[ExpatInItaly]

That entirely depends on you.

 

If you can handle being in casual contact with her until you are both back in the same area, then go ahead. Just do so with very low expectations, in that she won't be replying to you right away, won't be initiating a lot and won't be cutesy in the way a girlfriend would.

 

It's a very grey area at the moment, so this all is down to how well you think you can manage having reduced contact with no guarantees at the end.

[Birdman56]

Yeah, cheers for the advice. I don't know if I can handle it. I just keep breaking and saying stupid things. I might just cut it for now and let her reach out to me when she's ready. If that never happens so be it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. At least I'll have hopefully moved on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, cheers for the advice. I don't know if I can handle it. I just keep breaking and saying stupid things. I might just cut it for now and let her reach out to me when she's ready. If that never happens so be it. I guess it wasn't meant to be. At least I'll have hopefully moved on.

 

What have you been saying?

 

I think it will probably be better for you in the long run not to stay in contact with her, only because there are no promises that you two will reconcile even when you're geographically close again.

[Birdman56]

I was just talking about asking about her ex, and asking if she still loved me etc. Essentially everything that's pointed out that I've acted clingy.

 

Can I get honest advice on my best way of reconnecting with this girl if I do get the chance? Do you think this could be recoverable once I get back to see her and the distance is removed? I just don't want to make more mistakes. Is there any way I can minimise her feelings for me fading over the next 2 months?

 

My gut feeling is kind of telling me that it's over already. maybe her saying she still loved me and wanted to see me when.i get back has just given me false hope. It's could just be my insecurity again but could she have just lost interest altogether and the stress/depression is just a way of letting me go easy?

 

It confuses me how someone can go from smothering me every second of the day, to meeting my family and telling me she loved me as well as promising me she'd wait for me to get back to this?

 

I've deleted her number out of my phone now so I can't say anything stupid. I think I just need to leave her alone. I guess I'll just wait to see if she contacts me and try move on in the meantime. Reading back on what I've just written I can already tell I'm super insecure.. sigh.