Getting back together?

[Szheng]

Me and my girlfriend dated for a year and half. Our relationship felt like a dream and both of us couldn't believe how happy we were the entire time. Unfortunately, she left to pursue a Masters degree half way across the country and I started a new job requiring me to work 80-100 hours a week. We tried long distance without much thought. I wasnt prepared for the intensity of my new job and she wasnt prepared for the intensity of her program.

 

We did long distance for about 4 months before she asked to break up in November 2016. She was suffering from depression, having difficulty making any friends, and immense stress from her program. I was dealing with anxiety attacks, insomnia, and the stress from my work. I was drinking and going out often as that is the culture of my industry which she was quite unhappy about. We had hoped to visit every other weekend at least, but the reality was 2-3 short visits in 4 months. So she saw that our long distance relationship wasnt working and ended it. I tried to convince her that I could make it better, that we shouldnt give up, but I couldnt seem to get through to her. She asked to be friends and I agreed because she is my best friend and I wanted to hang on to her somehow.

 

We stayed in touch for months and everything was great. We often talked about getting back together and our future, hoping that it would happen again someday. But she started a relationship with another guy about 3.5 months after we broke up. I was heart broken when she told me and I didnt want to believe it was true. Initially, I told her that I didn't feel like I could be friends with her anymore because it was too painful. She agreed and we cut contact for a couple weeks, but she would call and text me occasionally to tell me how much she misses me, loves me, wants to be with me, etc. I also felt her absence strongly and it really ****ed with me. Over the next few months, I went on numerous dates and slept with many other girls. It would feel okay for a day or 2 as long as I was constantly with other girls, but any moment of silence would remind me of her again. I was angry and frustrated but I knew I just wanted her to come back to me. She was still occasionally reaching out to tell me the same things. A couple times, she asked if she could fly to come see me and stay with me. I refused. I also reached out to her a few times in vulnerable moments.

 

May 2017, after she's been with this other guy for 3 months or so, she reaches out to me again. I would say she contacted me every 1-2 weeks to tell me she misses me, loves me, etc. So this wasn't unusual, I thought it was just like every other time. Prior I had learned that my company had an opening in a department I wanted to get in. The opening is in her home city where she is doing her Masters. I got the job and accepted. I would like to clarify that my decision to move was not based on her at all. Of course, the thought came to mind, but it wasnt a motivating factor. Its a more affordable city, higher paying salary, less hours, and in a department I was very interested in. But anyway, she contacted me and was aware of my upcoming move, so she told me she wanted to get back together once I make the move. I move in September. I didnt know how to respond or what to do, so I told her I'd think about it. I thought about it for a week everyday, every hour. And no matter what doubts or worries I had, I always came to the same conclusion that I wanted to try again. I knew what I really wanted deep down, so I told her yes.

 

The catch is that she won't leave her current boyfriend yet. She said she will break up with him by the time I move. I dont know when it will happen. She doesnt even know when it will happen. And so the last few weeks, I've been struggling with jealousy and frustration. I asked her if she could not have sex until we get back together and she agreed. I thought that might help and it does sort of, but I also feel guilty and skeptical about it. This weird secret affair I'm having with my ex/soon to be gf? has been making me feel uncomfortable in ways that I cant really explain or even understand.

 

Ideally, I wish she would just leave him now. It unfair to him for sure and I think its unfair to me too? But I can also understand that its difficult to just end things with someone you've grown attached to and is physically right next to you for someone that you wont even see for another 3 months. A part of me wants to be understanding and give her time to slowly back out of this relationship with her current boyfriend. Another part of me is saying wtf everyday.

 

Any advice or opinions on the situation is appreciated. Sorry for the long ass post. Thanks.

[Marc878]

Don't hold your breath. You may have just been getting breadcrumbs.

 

Time will tell.

[Marc878]

IMO I'd cut contact at this time. She's cheating on her current BF with you.

 

Tell her you'll see her when you get there. I would be putting all my hopes on this. Just in case she's stringing you along.

 

You'll be there in 3 months and she won't cut this off????? Red flag here man

[Ronnys93]

Sounds like Grass is greener syndrome. I wouldn't do it to be honest. Test her to make sure she's serious. How do you know she's really going to leave her boyfriend? Why does she want to get back with you? WHY YOU of all people? And why is she not happy with her current boyfriend. These are all questions you need answered before you jump back into a relationship with her. Don't ask them out right, but DO find out before you become official at the very least. Don't be anyone's door mat.

[Rivermind]

I'm not saying it's out of the question, but the fact that she's going behind her BFs back with you does set off some alarms. Just be prepared that she might do the same thing to you and that's not something anyone should have to experience.

Just make sure that you don't move just for her unless she shows more commitment.

[Sweetfish]

Your approach on this is all wrong. You need to get a handle on your feelings and the situation.

 

Your ex was incapable of being loyal to you and now she is being incapable of being loyal to her current boyfriend.

 

I tried to convince her that I could make it better, that we shouldnt give up, but I couldnt seem to get through to her.

 

You cannot force attraction. Long distance relationships rarely work.

 

She asked to be friends and I agreed because she is my best friend and I wanted to hang on to her somehow.

 

Your best friend DOES not dump you and dates other men.

 

We stayed in touch for months and everything was great. We often talked about getting back together and our future, hoping that it would happen again someday. But she started a relationship with another guy about 3.5 months after we broke up.

 

She was talking to him all along. You though it was great.. but she was talking to other men or other men were talking to her.

 

May 2017, after she's been with this other guy for 3 months or so, she reaches out to me again. I would say she contacted me every 1-2 weeks to tell me she misses me, loves me, etc.

 

I hate to break it up to you.. but you are a relationship policy. This is a case of the grass is greener on the other side... but I won't let my past real estate dry up.. I'll water it occasionally.. Just in case. ( a crumb)

 

But anyway, she contacted me and was aware of my upcoming move, so she told me she wanted to get back together once I make the move. I move in September. I didnt know how to respond or what to do, so I told her I'd think about it. I thought about it for a week everyday, every hour. And no matter what doubts or worries I had, I always came to the same conclusion that I wanted to try again. I knew what I really wanted deep down, so I told her yes.

 

The catch is that she won't leave her current boyfriend yet. She said she will break up with him by the time I move.

 

Dude! your ex is a piece of work. Do you not see this women is a opportunist. That she branches off to men when its convenient for her? This is the love you seek??

 

Currently she is in a relationship with a man, dating, and having sex (MOST LIKELY) and saying she misses you behind his back. While in your LDR she was telling this guy the same thing???

 

Rethink.. what you are doing? What is happening. Take off the rose filled glasses.

 

Your being played son.

 

The contract you have now.. is she will instantly fall out of love with the current boyfriend and some how love you? For ever and ever?

 

It does not work that way. You are working 80-100 hours. Trying to get better pay, a house, and be a provider for someone as shifty and slippery as this...

 

Your under a spell and you need to man up and kick this chick to the crub.

 

She has disrespected you as a man offering you such a "Sweet deal"

 

Slap in the face...

 

And so the last few weeks, I've been struggling with jealousy and frustration.

 

These evil sins will fuel your attraction for the wrong reason.

 

I asked her if she could not have sex until we get back together and she agreed.

 

Again OP.. your nuts... Are you hearing what your saying??? Did you ask about kissing and cuddling too?

 

Come to terms this relationship is over. You are setting your self up and addicted. If you cannot walk away from a relationship for the right reasons.. you cannot be in a relationship as such.. If you want to be with a women who cannot even respect two men.. it means she does not respect either of you.