AG1525 Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 I'm 29 years old and over eight months into my separation from my husband whom I have been with for seven years. Being that I'm fairly young and my friends are either happy newlyweds, or on the countdown to their wedding date, it's tough for me to find common ground with anyone in my immediate group, as even the marriages in my family have been very long lasting, without separation/divorce. Hence my posting here. Our marriage broke down when we suffered a miscarriage while my husband was injured and off work. We dealt with this in such different manners, and we gradually found ourselves further, and further apart. One day my husband packed up a suitcase and took one of our dogs, and he just never came back- that was it. No major fight prior, he just walked on out the door. My safety net has been my job; I work in management in a high stress environment, and it has been easy to avoid my feelings as I immerse myself in my tasks at hand. Despite knowing this is probably more damaging than anything, it feels safe and I can forget about my personal reality outside of the office walls when I'm there. High functioning anxiety at it's finest. To date I've been very friendly with my husband, I wanted to do things as amicably as possible, which confused some of my friends and has them questioning my motives, ie. I'll eventually get back together with him and this is all for attention. However, when I try to talk to them it's difficult to explain the turmoil I'm in because they, fortunately, have no idea what this situation is like. He and I are not on the best of terms at this time, and while I have asked if we can try counseling, or some form of therapy, he refuses. Even if our marriage is destined to fail, I feel that we could both benefit from therapy due to the loss of our child and the fact that this occurring sent our marriage in a tailspin. Perhaps it would help us to understand each others' plight and leave us both feeling a little less hurt. My family and friends have questioned my husband's mental health due to his ability to go from clam-happy to enraged in a matter of seconds, which is often taken out on me. He will use anything he can to make me feel guilty about our situation, or to make me feel bad about myself. I assume it's a ploy to make me feel insecure and come back- and while I love him, I am not in love with him anymore; all of my feelings have changed. Am I wrong for wanting to try and be as cordial as I can be in this situation? At what point do I pull the plug on trying to stay civil while he tries to break me down? I guess I just feel stuck at this point, and wish I had the support of someone who understands what I'm going through. It's hard to move forward when you don't know where to start. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 3, 2017 Share Posted June 3, 2017 Hey, if you're able to be calm with him with all this going on, then great. If you are feeling inner turmoil about it, though, may be better to express some feelings you are bottling up. But if this calmness is because on some level you are relieved and can let him go, that's healthy. A father who flies into rages is not great for kids if you do end up having them. Sorry about your loss there. It terrifies the kids. Not sure why he is leaving, and not sure he's let you know why, so I hope at some point you do understand that, for peace of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 4, 2017 Share Posted June 4, 2017 In whatever you decide to do , don't stay married because no one in your family or friends has ever divorced. They are not living your married life of unhappiness.You are. They can't fix your marriage, so don't stay for them. You are not wrong but if he won't step up then there isn't much you can do. Marriage is partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Is he maybe harbouring feelings that you may have contributed to the miscarriage somehow ?. Smoking, drinking ?.. I do ask this, with deep sympathy for you and your H on the loss. But maybe, he feels something like this, and so left. You may need to be the counsellor, as a third party may be a little too much for him to open too. Maybe keep asking the question, and hopefully, in a burst of emotion, he may spill the truth. Again, I am sorry.. Ted. Link to post Share on other sites
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