In-laws

[Fm1234]

Sorry for the long post.

 

Nearly two years ago, I met the girl of my dreams, we fell in love, and we now have a 12 week old baby girl together.

 

I always liked and got on with her family, but she moved about 2 hours away from them (left home) - to be with me at my parents house just over a year ago. We currently still live here due to financial restrictions. This is no issue.

 

However, my girlfriend doesn't drive and I work long days and busy weeks, so her parents and family get annoyed with her (and consequently, me) that she doesn't go to see them very often. With that in mind, prior to the birth of their grandchild, they had not been to visit my girlfriend and I, in her new location, since her move. Yet they constantly moan at her for not going to see them.

 

When my daughter was born, she was very ill and we were kept in hospital with her for three days. For the first full day we did not want any visitors, on account of her being unwell and us being overwhelmed. My girlfriends' parents travelled to stay near the hospital in a hotel as soon as she went in to labour, despite us advising it may be a lengthy process. We advised on the night she was born we wouldn't be able to see anyone until at least the following day, if even then.

 

Following this, the next day (our daughter being less than 24 hours old) - my girlfriends father started sending my girlfriend guilt-trip messages about how they had travelled to see her and how we hadn't allowed them to see her or their grand-daughter, despite the fact she was poorly and we still didn't exactly know what was going on with her at the time.

 

This made my girlfriend feel terrible; and very depressed. My girlfriends father has been abusive, verbally and physically in the past - I am mindful of this and always leap to her defence - I advised staff on the ward of this as well and as such they provided us extra care. My girlfriend has suffered depression following this and has responded well to treatment - but her mental problems have been stated as being down to her parents - particularly her father. She also witnessed him being abusive to her mother after he was caught engaging in extra-martial affairs.

 

Also in these text messages that were sent - he implied that I, personally, needed to grow a backbone to let them see her. I was fuming by this point and all but ready to refuse them access to their granddaughter altogether, but my girlfriend just wanted the problem to disappear, so begrudgingly I agreed they could come visit the next day, and I would fake pleasantness.

 

The visit went okay, but we were both relieved when they had gone. Following this, as stated above, my girlfriend received treatment for depression and has responded well.

 

However, almost immediately the texts started again. Not as bad as they were in the hospital but the same old "When are you coming to see us, it's not good enough it's been more than a few weeks". I had at the time started a new job just days after our daughter was born in order to support our family. I had no time to worry about other people - just my girlfriend and daughter.

 

We saw them a few weeks later in a mutual public location and all was well. But again, almost immediately the texts started again.

 

We arranged to go to see them this weekend just to get them off our backs. We were supposed to travel down on Friday night, spend the night and come back Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately, I became ill on Friday so had to postpone this, but agreed for the sake of my girlfriend to travel on Saturday morning (despite feeling terrible) - and come back as planned on Saturday afternoon. However, when we arrived, after two hours travelling, we were greeted with fury that we were staying for only 5 hours (which in my opinion is plenty enough time) - they were incensed we were not staying the night. We explained, I was not well, and we had a pet to feed which is completely true - he's on a strict diet which means we cannot just leave him food overnight.

 

All throughout the day, I was not feeling well and yet I was subjected to dirty looks from my girlfriends father and whispering between him and other members of the family in my direction. I am well aware, as my girlfriend has been told numerous times by her sister-in-law (who we get on well with) that her family blame me for the fact they don't see her very often.

 

This upsets me for multiple reasons. 1. I have plenty of family, and I see them a few times a year, maximum, despite them living closer than my girlfriends family and me actually being closer to them than my girlfriend is to her family. This, I feel is normal in adult life, to spread wings and live your own life. 2. Seeing them once per month or once every two months I feel is plenty enough. Please correct me if I am wrong. 3. They NEVER take the time to come see us. They don't even ask how we are, just how their grand-daughter is. It's like they don't care, apart from her. 4. I always take the time, as I did today to travel if I can.

 

This whole situation gets me down. I get on with my girlfriends family, but I know they talk about me behind my back and then smile to my face. Her dad is an abusive piece of work and I do not trust him. I have seen him with his other grandchildren and he shouts and swears at them and threatens them with violence. His own children are actually scared of him and as such I would never ever trust my daughter with him.

 

It would be quite simple for me to let my girlfriend travel to them alone, except they would not accept this without baby and for the reason I mentioned above, I would not allow my little girl to travel without me.

 

With all this in mind, my girlfriend has endlessly told her family that we are busy with appointments. My little girl is diagnosed as significantly deaf and as such we are having lots of appointments to figure out why and to get her hearing aids fitted. We simply do not have much time.

 

All I care about is my little girl and my girlfriend. I have seen the way my girlfriends parents, in particular her father, make her feel and this angers and upsets me. He tries to control her even though she has moved away and then blames me when she wants to lead her own life. This puts pressure on me and makes me feel down in the dumps because I try my best to do the right thing.

 

My girlfriend knows her father upsets, angers and frustrates me, but she doesn't, I believe, know the extent to which this is. I have told her numerous times that if he ever speaks down to her, my daughter or me, myself, I will snap back because he has no right to do so. I have also told her that if he gives me one more dirty look the next time I see him, I will be having words, because I feel I do not deserve this.

 

I'm sorry for the long post and the rant, and I sincerely hope you can make sense of this, I appreciate it's rather garbled. Any advice would be much appreciated as I feel I am really at breaking point now and even as I type this I'm on the verge of breaking down in to tears.

 

Thanks in advance.

[CC12]

Something about the way you worded some of your post makes me suspect that it's possible you are a big part of the reason she doesn't see them as much anymore. Just consider it. Think about your wife's delivery, for instance. Was it mostly your wife's decision not to let her family come visit the first day, or did you have a lot of input in that decision? I noticed that you said "we" a lot when describing the hospital stay. But a lot of those things (even apart from dealing with family) shouldn't have been a "we" decision, because it was your wife who was giving birth and dealing with family. She should have been the one making most of the decisions. Did you allow her to do that?

 

By the way, I think it's a little strange to not allow visitors after having a baby. They went there to support you and your wife and honestly it was a little cold to not let them visit (whether it was her decision or yours.) Of course you were overwhelmed as new parents and having a sick baby makes it so much worse, but visiting people in the hospital is just something people do. You didn't even need to let them see the baby since she was sick, but why couldn't they come visit your wife? People who have had heart attacks also feel like crap but they still allow loved ones to visit. I would be hurt if I attempted to visit a loved one in the hospital and was denied.

 

And as far as her not being able to take the baby to visit them without you, that undeniably is you limiting her access to see them. I think that as long as your girlfriend (I've been calling her your wife this whole time, sorry) is still in contact with her parents, you should allow her to visit them whenever she wants. She has chosen to keep them in her life, and if she wants to take the baby to visit them, she should be allowed to do that. It sucks, but your girlfriend gets to make parenting choices, too, even if you don't exactly agree with them.

 

By the way, why doesn't your girlfriend drive? Is it due to financial reasons and not being able to afford a second car, or does she just not know how? You've got to help get her driving. Any adult should be able to drive and have access to a vehicle (unless you live in Manhattan or something.) It's crazy not to, nowadays.

 

You were pretty vague about what kind of advice you were looking for. Do you want your girlfriend to sever ties with her family? Do you want to know how to deal with her family while also seeing them often? Something else?

[Fm1234]

@CC12 -

 

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately, it was the way it was written that everything I said seems to have been taken the wrong way. Allow me to respond to your points.

 

I can see why it would look like I am responsible for her not seeing them anymore; alas this is not the case. She limits her time with them as she does not see eye to eye with her parents and they leave her feeling scared, depressed and gloomy. Her mother has already told her she thinks she would not be a good parent.

 

It was absolutely not my decision to allow nobody to see us during the first day. Absolutely not. That was my girlfriends decision and I supported it 100%. For her parents anyway. My parents, who live just 10 minutes away from the hospital, also did not visit and that one was down to me. My parents actually understood the stressful situation we were in and kept their distance.

 

As such, it was also not a refusal to let them see us. It was a polite request that they came the next day as opposed to immediately or the following day. This was due to 18 hours of labour, 36 hours of no rest and no sleep, and a poorly baby. As mentioned, we did advise them to come when we told them to, not to just come willy-nilly. I say we, again, but this one was entirely down to my girlfriend.

 

It may have been cold, but as I said, it was not my decision. Think of it from my perspective. When my girlfriend sees her family (which I do not take issue with) - she ends up angry and in floods of tears and depressed for days. Why? Because they blackmail her emotionally. We had the crisis team visiting us for weeks after birth (the crisis team is essentially a community support team who deal with suicidal and depressed individuals), because she was having suicidal thoughts. You may think I am exaggerating this, but this was put down as being solely down to her parents' influence. I have the report from when she was discharged from their services that says exactly that - I can quote it directly if you like.

 

I did mention I would rather she not take baby to see them without me yes. This is because her father is physically abusive - I have seen him hit the next youngest of his grandchildren who is just a year old. I am not prepared to allow him to treat my daughter the same way.

 

With that in mind, my girlfriend also refuses to see them without me as she is scared of them. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, limiting my girlfriends parenting choices, I am supporting them. I apologise if my post came across differently to this; as I am sure you understand, it is difficult to portray the correct tone when it is a simple matter of text.

 

My girlfriend doesn't drive as she has not yet passed her test. I have given her the money to take lessons. This is no issue.

 

A lot of what you have said implies you live in the USA. I am from the UK where here, culturally, a lot is different. As such I can limit the usefulness of what you have said. This is not a personal dig at you at all, so please don't take it to be. I have spend much time with a previous American girlfriend and understand the differences in life.

 

As for what advice I was after; this would be how to deal with feeling like her family treat me as a piece of dirt. Dealing with the filthy looks and the whispering, the feeling that I may as well just jump off a bridge as nobody would see to care otherwise.

 

I must point out that my girlfriend feels the same way in a lot of respects. She avoids seeing her parents as much as possible, and I get the blame for this - which believe me, I can understand - it would potentially look that way. It is not that way in the slightest - if my girlfriend does not wish to see them, that is her choice. My concern, as mentioned is simply the well-being of my girlfriend, our daughter, and myself.

 

 

 

As for the wife part - I never correct people over this; for all intents and purposes, she is my wife, we just haven't got around to it yet.

 

I do feel like you seem to feel it is all down to me, I am quite a mellow person and I tend to do as my girlfriend wishes. The exception to this is when I feel something is an unreasonable demand - but I always strive to make an alternative arrangement on this basis. I think I need to make clear that my girlfriend is happy with our current arrangement and the amount she sees her family - but it does bug her how they emotionally bully her into saying she should make more of an effort when they never once come to see us. I then get caught in the cross-fire which is where I take the issue.

 

I hope this all made sense. I am more than happy to re-respond if something needs further clarity. I do apologise if my writing method comes across as aggressive-defensive; this was not my intention.

[anika99]

I'm having a hard time with this one too. For one thing you talk about how you have plenty of family that you only see a couple of times a year because that's how it should be when you're an adult. Umm...didn't you also say that you still live at home with your parents? You actually see your parents every single day. So when you move out are you going tell your parents that you're only going to see them twice a year cause you're a grown up now?

 

Parents are different than extended family. If one of my adult children were in the hospital giving birth or for any other reason and I was nearby but being refused permission to visit I would be beside myself with worry. Her parents had travelled to see her and just to keep them waiting at a hotel for an entire day seems extreme to me.

 

Also you complain that they don't visit but I don't get the impression that you or your family actually extend warm invitations to them. When they came for their grand child's birth they were put on hold for 24 hours and kept waiting at a hotel. Then the next time they expected to be able to spend time with their daughter and grand baby an overnight weekend visit suddenly got limited to a few hours in the afternoon. I don't blame them for not going out of their way to visit as they are clearly not welcome and when they do try you and/or your gf act like they are causing you all great inconvience.

 

Now in your second post you go a great deal into how her father is an abusive bully. Now if that's all true of course I agree that your gf should limit her visits with them or even not see them at all buts it's strange that you didn't lead with that. Most of your first post was about how annoyed you are that her parents want to see their daughter and grandchild and become upset that they are being pushed out of the picture. One huge contradiction I see in your posts is the complaint that her parents never make the effort to visit peppered with statements like she doesn't want to see her parents and she goes out of her way to avoid them. We would call that talking out of both sides of your mouth. It makes no sense for your gf to say that she doesn't want to see her parents and at the same time complain that they don't visit.

 

You didn't really ask a question but you do seem very upset by the situation. I would say support your gf but don't try to control her relationship with her parents. If she wants to see them be supportive of that. If she doesn't want to see them be supportive of that. This relationship is something that your gf has to work out for herself. Your gf has a lot of growing up to do. She went from living with her parents straight to living with you and your parents. She hasn't really become an adult yet. She needs to become independent and learn to stand on her own feet. Maybe look into helping her get a drivers license and a cheap car so she can get some freedom.

Edited June 4, 2017 by anika99

[Fm1234]

@anika99

 

- Thank you for your reply.

 

We do indeed currently live with my parents due to financial reasons; but they are retired and travel a lot so we have the house to ourselves. We have also spent time living completely by ourselves (but due to financial reasons had to move in with family) - I personally spent years away from my parents with work. Yes, I see them every day because that's how it has to be right now, but girlfriend and I have already discussed what we'll do when we can move away; and it's agreed that we'll be moving far away to lead our own lives. Furthermore, when I was away from home, I did only see my parents a few times a year.

 

Yet again, it wasn't refused permission as such, it was simply a request for space. My girlfriend was fretting so much, we had security at the hospital on alert. She felt threatened. That is the simple explanation.

 

I haven't explicitly mentioned anything about extending invitations, so to suggest otherwise is assumptive. They are welcome to visit and we would quite happily spend a day with them here. Furthermore, they don't offer us warm invitations, they literally tell my girlfriend, in not quite so many words, "You are coming here this weekend, and this is the end of it. If you choose not to we will be angry and grumpy". As I said, not in so many words, but that is the gist of it.

 

The overnight visit part is beside the point. My girlfriend never actually told them we would stay the night, nor did they suggest it; they merely assumed. Had we travelled on the Friday night, we would have arrived in the early hours when they were asleep and come back on the Saturday afternoon as planned. We had commitments to be here on Saturday evening, but my girlfriend fears her parents too much. I suggested we go the following weekend for a lengthier visit (I should perhaps have mentioned this earlier) that would have lasted at least a Saturday and Sunday, but she wanted to "get it out of the way to get them off my back; I can't deal with the stress of them right now".

 

I do not understand where you are getting us acting like it is an inconvenience from; they have never even suggested it, the one time they suggested coming here, we responded with open arms, for them to decide they were spending the day with her brother who lives with them anyway. That is not our problem.

 

I did not lead with her father being a bully because I did not want the focus to be on that. Having read the previous response I got, I decided I needed to bring it up in order for people to understand my whole circumstance.

 

I agree that there is a contradiction in my statement; my girlfriend tries to avoid seeing them too often, but not altogether. My point was simply that it would be nice for them to want to visit us for once, rather than telling us we have to visit them.

 

My annoyance also is not that they want to see their daughter and grand-daughter, I would never begrudge them of that. I can understand it may have come off like that, please appreciate it was 2am for me when I typed that out and it probably doesn't make the most sense. They certainly are not being pushed out of the picture. For the most part, as I said, I enjoy visiting her family, particularly the more extended parts. It is simply her father that I take the issue with; her mother I get along absolutely fine with. As I made clear, this is down to what I, and others, feel is bullying, emotionally.

 

Thank you for your last paragraph, it sort of helped. I certainly do not try to control her relationship with her parents, as I said, I do as I'm told where that's concerned and she certainly doesn't know that this all bothers me as much as it does. As far as the rest of your ending statement goes, these are all comments I agree with.

 

Thanks again

[IndigoNight]

OP, your second post sheds a lot more light on the situation that your first, by far.

 

If your in-laws are emotionally toxic, it may be time for your wife to consider cutting them out of her life. It is sad when grandparents behave so poorly that they are deprived of spending time with their grandchild, but it happens. If they emotionally blackmail their daughter, and treat you poorly, it is unlikely that they will suddenly turn into doting grandparents.

 

It is difficult to remove family from one's life, but sometimes doing so is a matter of survival. It sounds as if your wife may be reaching that point with her parents. I would suggest that your wife talk to a therapist (someone who in't emotionally invested) and learn how to set boundaries, and tell her parents "No!" Or, she may be to the point that the best thing for her would be to remove their influence from her life, or even remove them completely. It is unfortunate that sometimes it is our own family who hurts us the most.

 

There is no reason for her to continue being a victim of their abuse, or for you or the child to be exposed to it. It has gone on long enough, and she is allowed to put a stop to it. Biology does not entitle anyone to be cruel and abusive. It is bad enough when it comes from someone you know, and even worse when it comes from family. Family should be the ones you count on when everyone else has failed you. Their support should be unwavering (unless someone has really screwed up and taken advantage of their family to the point of estrangement). Abuse should not be tolerated simply because of shared DNA.

 

I hope that your wife can find a way to deal with her parents, and finds her freedom from their toxic 'love'.

[Fm1234]

@IndigoNight

 

- Thank you for your reply and your understanding. Thank you for your feedback also that my second post sheds a lot more light; that'll teach me to type in the dead of night.

 

I don't really want it to come to cutting away from them completely really I don't. As mentioned in my reply above, I would never wish to begrudge them seeing their daughter or grand-daughter.

 

Also, as Anika said, my girlfriend, whilst adult in age and in her responsibilities, does not have the life experience that I do. This is not down to her age, this is down to the fact that up until she moved away, her parents were extremely controlling (and still try to be) and she was never able to live her life. I see this in her 16 year old brother - he is a dancer who is forced to continue because of their happiness, rather than his own. It's a sad situation.

 

With that in mind, she would not be able to make that kind of decision. I wouldn't even know how to bring it up with her, and as such, there lies part of my problem; I do not really know how to talk to my girlfriend about it for fear of upsetting her. I do not want to add to the problem if you get what I mean.

 

I do thank you, sincerely for your response.

[IndigoNight]

@IndigoNight

 

- Thank you for your reply and your understanding. Thank you for your feedback also that my second post sheds a lot more light; that'll teach me to type in the dead of night.

 

I don't really want it to come to cutting away from them completely really I don't. As mentioned in my reply above, I would never wish to begrudge them seeing their daughter or grand-daughter.

 

Also, as Anika said, my girlfriend, whilst adult in age and in her responsibilities, does not have the life experience that I do. This is not down to her age, this is down to the fact that up until she moved away, her parents were extremely controlling (and still try to be) and she was never able to live her life. I see this in her 16 year old brother - he is a dancer who is forced to continue because of their happiness, rather than his own. It's a sad situation.

 

With that in mind, she would not be able to make that kind of decision. I wouldn't even know how to bring it up with her, and as such, there lies part of my problem; I do not really know how to talk to my girlfriend about it for fear of upsetting her. I do not want to add to the problem if you get what I mean.

 

I do thank you, sincerely for your response.

 

Trust me, I understand controlling in laws. My monster-in-law has destroyed any chance of my husband and I having a close relationship with them. She demands that, as the matriarch of her family, all of the children (she has 4 daughters, but only 3 talk to her), and their children, appear at every family function. We lived over 3 hours away from them, and typically had other obligations, so we usually declined the invitation. We visited when we could, but to her, I was not allowing my husband to see his family (It was usually his busy schedule that kept us from having much free time) That lead to my father-in-law driving to our house, and asking (more like telling) me to comply with her demands to avoid friction in the family. I wasn't the one refusing to visit, and I don't drop everything for my own family (unless its an emergency), much less my husband's family's yearly BBQ or holidays events. We declined most invitations from my parents due to a very hectic schedule. They understood, and would often make the drive (just over 2 hours) to spend time with us.

 

After that visit, and my refusal to change who I am to suit her expectations, she has made it a point to not include me in anything. My name is not on Christmas cards, I receive no gifts, etc. Again, I am not the one who caused any of the issues, but she had to have someone to blame, and she chose me. Now, we live over 1,000 miles away, and she still expects us to make the time to attend family functions. We do not have the time, nor an endless bank balance, that allows us the ability to visit them when she demands our presence.

 

In short, her actions destroyed ANY desire I had to have a relationship with her, but in her mind I caused all of the issues. Her own children tolerate her being a domineering tyrant, but complain about her every chance they get. My father-in-law has made it a point to stay out of things as much as possible, which has impacted the relationship he has with his only child; my husband. It's sad, really.

 

My ex husband's mom was also controlling, and I had to set boundaries with her for my own sanity. The difference is that she understood that her son and I were adults, and allowed to live our own lives. If she wanted our company, and to see her grandson, she learned to ask, not demand. Because I placed the boundaries on our relationship, the relationship improved. Even though I divorced her son almost 20 years ago, she still treats me with respect. She also treats my current husband with respect, and adores our daughter (she even sends her gifts and cards several times a year).

 

So, I understand why you do not want to go to the extreme's of cutting off your in-laws entirely. It is not easy to do, and is painful. That is why I suggested that your wife go to therapy and learn how to set boundaries with them. They need a reminder than their child is now an adult and a parent, and not at their beck and call. You and your wife may enjoy visits more when they become her choice, instead of acquiescing to their demands.