Was I honest or unkind?

[lawlus]

Hello. First time posting here. Hi again.

 

I was wondering if anyone could potentially offer some advice on a situation I encountered with a friend. She and I are very similar in terms of how we see the world and feel things. She has called me her soulmate before because of this. We can both be a little "too nice", too accepting, and ignore doubts and red flags in relationships.

 

To cut a long story short, she has had two relationships over the years that have ended badly and caused her a great deal of pain; she had doubts and saw red flags during both in the beginning and ignored them (something I also do). She has recently started dating a new man who she says has a lot of good qualities, but who she has been continually stating is not putting in enough effort. She says he is receptive when he calls him out in it and tries to change and claims he just doesn't look at his phone and things like that. Every time I talk to my friend she is feeling anxious or worried about something he has (or usually hasn't) done. I am recognising this pattern again of her not feeling good about the relationship but not wanting to let go. She keeps saying she will see how it goes but every time it's the same thing, he's not putting in enough effort, she doesnt think he likes her or pays her enough attention etc, but she wants to give him a chance because what if she's wrong, all very cyclical. She'll then come to a place where she reassures herself - at the moment she is telling herself to focus on what is happening in her life - and worrying less about him - but even with this, there's still this anxiety. And I know the cycle will continue. It's quite difficult for me because I've been in this situaton where I drive myself mad and know how horrible it is. And knowing how similarly she thinks and feels to me, I can feel how painful it is to her.

 

Tonight I went to hers and she talked about this all night, the same sort of thing. Every other conversation went back to it. Eventually, I sort of cut in and just said that I felt she was continually saying the same things, having the same dissatisfactions and complaints, and always seemed upset every time she talked about him, always the same things. She became very upset, said I was bringing her anxiety up again when she'd put it to one side for the first time (she hadn't - she was still clearly very anxious and she's said a few times "I think I'm okay about it now") and said she didn't want me to say anything, just to listen. I apologised and said maybe I was wrong to say it and really didn't mean to upset her but I couldn't sit and listen anymore when I can see how anxious she's feeling. She then said she thought maybe she was getting defensive because it hurt to hear because she knows something isn't right and she knows all this and doesn't need me to say it. Then she said she might give it a week and see where things were, and I basically said I would support her no matter what but maybe it was an idea to address the anxiety (she's talked about having counselling for it recently and I agreed it might be a good idea) and really address the problems in the relatiosnhip. She said she knows.

 

She seemed to agree with what I said. Then the cycle was back. She wants to give him a chance because he's so nice, but she "knows something isn't right." I said I'd support her whatever she did, which is true. But I know the cycle is just gonna continue.

 

It's the first time I've been really honest with her like this. Usually I just listen. But I really felt in this case i wouldn't be being a good friend to her if I sat and nodded along. She's called me out on things like this before. Was this a crappy thing to do? It was unsolicited but it really felt like the right thing to do. I kind of thought that maybe if she could hear how unhappy she sounded she might realise that was the case. My intentions are good but after the fact I just don't feel like that was very nice. I don't often do this; usually I just listen and explore things with people. But I really felt like I had to say something in this situation. I text her when I got in to say I hadn't meant to upset her and I knew a lot of it was feeling feelings and I would support her, thought her outlook about focusing on herself was good and I'd still support her regardless... and now I also kind of feel I've gone back on myself.

 

So essentially after the fact I'm not sure this was the right thing to do and I'm wondering if I'm that good a friend after all. I guess I'm just looking for some advice over whether this was appropriate and whether I could have done anything differently. I really hate seeing her like this and I don't want to see her getting hurt again. Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

 

I'm sorry it's a bit long.

 

Many thanks!

[basil67]

Yes, it's totally the right thing for you to do. Sometimes honesty is required, and most times, it's your dear friends who have the courage to do so.

 

She is the author of her own misery. If she wants her love life to be better, she needs to step up and make better, firmer decisions. What kind of friend would you be if you didn't give your thoughts on the situation? Frankly, you were more tactful than I would have been - but I have little tolerance for those who refuse to take action to make their lives better.

 

Another thought is that this is all attention seeking. Is it possible that she'd rather be seeking sympathy than taking responsibility for her decisions.

 

Lastly, is it possible that this is the first time she's been held accountable for her own decisions? I wonder if her parents sheltered her from the consequences of her own actions.

Edited June 4, 2017 by basil67
another idea

[preraph]

You did the right thing. She's unloading on you over and over and that licenses you to give her your opinion.

 

Now, if you want to give her another outlet, wait a month until your thread here is scrolled off the page and then tell her there's a great place called Loveshack where she can moan all she wants and get advice. We will also give her a wakeup call. And it won't be on you.

[lawlus]

Yes, it's totally the right thing for you to do. Sometimes honesty is required, and most times, it's your dear friends who have the courage to do so.

 

She is the author of her own misery. If she wants her love life to be better, she needs to step up and make better, firmer decisions. What kind of friend would you be if you didn't give your thoughts on the situation? Frankly, you were more tactful than I would have been - but I have little tolerance for those who refuse to take action to make their lives better.

 

Another thought is that this is all attention seeking. Is it possible that she'd rather be seeking sympathy than taking responsibility for her decisions.

 

Lastly, is it possible that this is the first time she's been held accountable for her own decisions? I wonder if her parents sheltered her from the consequences of her own actions.

 

Hey Basil, thank you so much for your response. Its very reassuring to hear this. I know what you mean about people who will complain but not address the issue. She always does eventually but she kind of pussyfoots around it in the meantime which I think is what she's doing now. Its like she sees exactly what's wrong bur doesn't accept it as such if that makes sense?

 

I never thought about the attention seeking thing. I guess it's a possibility, though I dont think its conscious. I think its more that she's trying tobseek something that will make her feel beter, magic words or something, but obviously there are none because its not a case of being nervous in a new relationship and needing some reasurance - she admitted herself that something is not right here.

 

Her parents are awesome, lovely people who are generally very pragmatic and dont shelter her - I've been around when they've called her out on things - so I dont know if there's much of that, but possibly she doesn't expect it from me? She told me that her mum has just told her to see where this goes and has been very reassuring but I dont know how much her mum has been told. I feel like the cycle will continue until she realises - she knows how things are on an intellectual level but cant seem to accept them on an emotional one I guess.

 

Thanks again for your reply, lots to consider there.

[lawlus]

You did the right thing. She's unloading on you over and over and that licenses you to give her your opinion.

 

Now, if you want to give her another outlet, wait a month until your thread here is scrolled off the page and then tell her there's a great place called Loveshack where she can moan all she wants and get advice. We will also give her a wakeup call. And it won't be on you.

 

 

Hey Preraph, thank you for your thoughts - again reassuring to hear that I did the right thing. I was kind of worried I was doing the unsolicited advice thing because she wad upset that I wasn't just listening to her, but I think you're right - I have heard this over an over and over again from her about various fellas, not just this one. And for me I know I appreciate it if someone calls me out on my bull, no matter how much I might not want to hear it at the tome! But it works out in the end. I hope as time goes on she can see it that way too.

 

Also yes I might direct her here haha! I dont know how much more energy I can give to this - maybe hearing the same thing objectively from strangers might help her!