Why do I get a sense that a lot of women feel I'm beneath them?

[NJ123]

...and that 2/3s of male messages go to the top 1/3 of women.

If the OP is messaging the top third of women and he is just average then he is not going to get many replies.

 

It's going to probably sound egotistical but I know when it comes to looks that I'm at least above average. It just seems as I said that a lot of women through OLD think they're points above what they really are due to all the attention they get. Being a 7 or so isn't cutting it anymore it seems like since in that range I don't stand out on my own. There's lots of guys that are above average but not many that are top tier in looks. So it seems I have to get lucky for a woman to give me a chance first over others.

[GemmaUK]

No, I'm not just focused on looks but I need to be physically attracted to the person I'm with. Why would I want to be with someone I view as average or even unattractive completely?

 

Same for me OP so when I use OLD I don't see any point in replying or corresponding with guys who I don't find attractive (I used to send polite replies to all messages initially but found the abusive responses to that tedious).

If I did just respond to everyone though I would need to spend a tonne of time chatting with men I have no interest in dating at all.

 

I don't see the point in doing that.

[NJ123]

Same for me OP so when I use OLD I don't see any point in replying or corresponding with guys who I don't find attractive (I used to send polite replies to all messages initially but found the abusive responses to that tedious).

If I did just respond to everyone though I would need to spend a tonne of time chatting with men I have no interest in dating at all.

 

I don't see the point in doing that.

 

I just don't get why they're not finding me attractive for though when I know for sure I'm messaging women on my own par of looks. I'm not even messaging the women that are extremely attractive.

[GemmaUK]

So when it comes to online dating, it seems there might be something to this article: https://theblog.okcupid.com/your-looks-and-your-inbox-8715c0f1561e

 

It states that 80% of guys are unattractive to women.

 

People are saying in here that women are only going for the highest rated (9/10s) but looking at the highest rated pics in the link here - I don't find either of those guys attractive.

I find one of the mediums attractive and one of the sub par guys attractive.

Maybe women aren't all going for the 'supposed' 9/10 types after all.

[GemmaUK]

I just don't get why they're not finding me attractive for though when I know for sure I'm messaging women on my own par of looks. I'm not even messaging the women that are extremely attractive.

 

Personal taste.

[NJ123]

Personal taste.

 

Who knows. It can really mess your self esteem up bad though. Some are just flat out rude too. I message them about something in their profile & they literally don't even look at my profile at all anyway. It doesn't get any worse than that.

[coolheadal]

I know for sure the women I'm messaging are right at my level of looks or I'm even better looking than some of them. Yet these women think they're above me for whatever reason. It's just very frustrating but I guess since they have so many options that they think they're a few points above what they really are so as you say they're only going for guys that are 9s & 10s.

 

I see your after, but doesn't work like that always.. Some women might not look like what you had wanted. No one is perfect. The good looking ones have some hidden baggage as well. I only date good looking women too. I consider myself with high self-esteem and high confidences too. I am no push over with these women. Some so aggressive it mind blowing.. Spit out the lies, being married still all sorts of things like hiding the fact they have more than 4 kids..

Edited June 4, 2017 by coolheadal

[NJ123]

I see your after, but doesn't work like that always.. Some women might not look like what you had wanted. No one is perfect. The good looking ones have some hidden baggage as well. I only date good looking women too. I consider myself with high self-esteem and high confidences too. I am no push over with these women. Some so aggressive it mind blowing..

 

Yeah this is true too. A lot of them use filters or have heavy makeup on to look more attractive. I guess I just can't take any of this stuff to heart & not let it affect me.

[coolheadal]

Yeah this is true too. A lot of them use filters or have heavy makeup on to look more attractive. I guess I just can't take any of this stuff to heart & not let it affect me.

 

You lucky in a sense, I don't tolerate a lot of their wacko ways. I am not there for their escape from a broken marriage and ex-boyfriend blues. Just be care what you wish for you might not see it smack you in the face until it's too late.

[NJ123]

You lucky in a sense, I don't tolerate a lot of their wacko ways. I am not there for their escape from a broken marriage and ex-boyfriend blues. Just be care what you wish for you might not see it smack you in the face until it's too late.

 

I don't message the women that look kinda shady in their intent. I stay away from those women.

[NJ123]

When I think about it now it could possibly be my job turning women off. Since I don't have a good job currently so they just get turned off by that. I guess I'll never know for sure though.

[salparadise]

I guess this is why I see so many of the same people on there whenever I make a new profile after a long time. No one is ever good enough for a lot of these women.

 

This is accurate I think. Unicorn hunting it's called. Whether it's due to optimizing and holding out forever, overestimating their own dating/mating equity, or finding fault with everyone as a defense mechanism against the scary thought of taking a risk and being vulnerable... a huge number of people online are unable to make or sustain the kind of connection they outwardly believe they're seeking. Nobody gets inside their hula hoop, and they're in denial as to their strong defense and resistance.

 

I know for sure the women I'm messaging are right at my level of looks or I'm even better looking than some of them. Yet these women think they're above me for whatever reason. It's just very frustrating but I guess since they have so many options that they think they're a few points above what they really are so as you say they're only going for guys that are 9s & 10s.

 

Parity in looks does not translate to parity overall. The fact is, a woman who is equally attractive as you (7's shall we say) will value an opportunity to have sex with you at a flat zero. She has what you want, not visa versa. You have to bring something else she considers valuable to the table... she can get sex where you can't get a drink of water. If she's horny and ready to sex someone, she'll be seeking a top specimen, not parity.

Edited June 4, 2017 by salparadise

[NJ123]

This is accurate I think. Unicorn hunting it's called. Whether it's due to optimizing and holding out forever, overestimating their own dating/mating equity, or finding fault with everyone as a defense mechanism against the scary thought of taking a risk and being vulnerable... a huge number of people online are unable to make or sustain the kind of connection they outwardly believe they're seeking. Nobody gets inside their hula hoop, and they're in denial as to their strong defense and resistance.

 

 

 

Parity in looks does not translate to parity overall. The fact is, a woman who is equally attractive as you (7's shall we say) will value an opportunity to have sex with you at a flat zero. She has what you want, not visa versa. You have to bring something else she considers valuable to the table... she can get sex where you can't get a drink of water. If she's horny and ready to sex someone, she'll be seeking a top specimen, not parity.

 

Yeah, I sadly know this. Women have so much more power in dating that I don't get how they can even complain. I can understand for the ones that are deemed as unattractive though. And the thing is I don't want a woman to be with me for something like money. If she doesn't like my personality & physical looks a lot I'd rather not be with her. I'm not going to be some sucker that's viewed as a safe bet option because I'm a good guy or whatever.

[BaileyB]

Who knows. It can really mess your self esteem up bad though. Some are just flat out rude too. I message them about something in their profile & they literally don't even look at my profile at all anyway. It doesn't get any worse than that.

 

Welcome to online dating! It's the same experience for women - rejection, rude and abusive men that can really do a number on your self esteem. It's the reason why I got off the computer and tried to meet people in real life. OLD is fine if you want a revolving door of introductions, but if you are looking for someone to actually date, it's like finding a needle in a haystack!

[ZA Dater]

Online dating benefits those who are in the top tier of desirability. Everyone wants "the best" for themselves and OLD brings "the best" right into everyone's sphere of contact.

It is possible for anyone to message some of the best looking, most desirable people around,

 

In real life you may have only one or two very good looking people in your circle and they would usually pair off with other good looking or desirable individuals and everyone else would pair off with everyone else.

On OLD few want to pair off with Miss or Mr average as there is always better looking people around and everyone thinks they deserve better than what they can offer themselves.

Every day new "better" people get added to the mix and the average people either feel they have to "date down" and don't want to do that, or they keep hoping they will somehow be chosen by the highly desirable people they pitch at.

 

Faced with the "choice" of lots and lots of people, the filter will naturally skew towards the better looking individuals. Unfortunately for most they set the filter too high, and so they get discouraged when they are not seen as "good enough" by those individuals.

 

Also many people on OLD are not actually looking to seriously date, they are either just fooling around with the apps as a game or an ego boost, or they back out when they have to meet or interact with real life people.

 

I agree with all of this. OLD is nothing more than a shopping mall of dating and has done nothing positive for the overall experience.

 

 

One really cannot take it seriously. In fact when on the odd occasion admitted I did OLD most people just laugh.

[NJ123]

Welcome to online dating! It's the same experience for women - rejection, rude and abusive men that can really do a number on your self esteem. It's the reason why I got off the computer and tried to meet people in real life. OLD is fine if you want a revolving door of introductions, but if you are looking for someone to actually date, it's like finding a needle in a haystack!

 

Yeah, women have to deal with abusive guys while men have to deal with the constant rejections.

[ZA Dater]

Yeah, women have to deal with abusive guys while men have to deal with the constant rejections.

 

There is probably a modicum of truth to that but also over simplification. Some ladies really battle but this perhaps is not as vocalised as the number of guys who battle.

 

 

I do think its easier for ladies in the most part to find some form of companionship than it is for guys who continually battle.

 

 

Perhaps no interest at all is better than recurring rejection.

[preraph]

They're not responding to you because they have zero attraction to you, just like you have zero attraction to the ones who are. Something need to change with you.

[NJ123]

There is probably a modicum of truth to that but also over simplification. Some ladies really battle but this perhaps is not as vocalised as the number of guys who battle.

 

 

I do think its easier for ladies in the most part to find some form of companionship than it is for guys who continually battle.

 

 

Perhaps no interest at all is better than recurring rejection.

 

The thing is a lot of women that are decent/good looking can get relationships easily with good guys. But those guys a lot of the time aren't good enough for the women because they have so many options to weed through that they go with the best looking, tallest, ones with most money etc.

[elaine567]

Yeah, I sadly know this. Women have so much more power in dating that I don't get how they can even complain. I can understand for the ones that are deemed as unattractive though.

 

if the article is correct and 2/3 of men message the top 1/3 of women, there must be a lot of above average/average women out there who get no messages whatsoever, so how much power do you think they have?

[NJ123]

They're not responding to you because they have zero attraction to you, just like you have zero attraction to the ones who are. Something need to change with you.

 

Change what though?

[preraph]

Well, for starters, OLD doesn't work for everyone. Maybe you are a great charismatic guy in person and should just stick to meeting people in real life.

 

For another, you can't make a woman who only really has your photo on OLD to go by give you a shot. Everyone knows guys put on their profiles just what they think will work so no one puts much stock in that anymore, I'm guessing. Plus first there has to be attraction. If you can't get the women you're attracted to and don't want any of the women who are attracted to you, then you will be in the position a lot of older people are in that they will just do without because they aren't desperate enough to make themselves have sex with someone they aren't physically attracted to.

 

If it's not working for you, stick to real life and meeting someone through the activities you naturally do. I mean OLD isn't like catalog shopping, but that's what a lot of people seem to think. Everyone is putting the hottest one in their cart but then nobody is "checking out."

[ZA Dater]

The thing is a lot of women that are decent/good looking can get relationships easily with good guys. But those guys a lot of the time aren't good enough for the women because they have so many options to weed through that they go with the best looking, tallest, ones with most money etc.

 

Unfortunately such is life. People will always and should always strive to get the best they can and if the best you can get isn't what you want then you have choices

 

 

1: Better yourself to be what you want

2: Resign yourself to what life is, enjoy what you can, enjoy what interactions you have and the attention you get.

 

 

I have been reading your post for a long and I think you and I in some respects are on the same page, just going about this differently. The issue is how to realise you inherently don't appeal to people and then reconcile what you what to what you can get.

 

 

My sincere advice to you is walk away from OLD, I found it and still do find like the likes of Tinder quite soul destroying, if you want this you need to formulate real life objectives and plans, find things that make you feel good because all OLD is going to do is drag you down. Each person has positive attributes but for me personally I spent so long on OLD that I forgot what my positive attributes were, yes I still CANNOT find anyone I like but I don't spend 24/7 feeling worthless. You need to get off OLD to re establish self worth.

 

 

You need to trust me on one thing and I am right about this, just a modicum of attention from someone you do like or find appealing can make a difference, sure she isn't sleeping with you or going out with you but a smile, a short conversation can add value to your life, she won know it but you will feel good about the interaction. OLD can NEVER give you that because you never truly see a personality merely a collection of poorly written prose, much of it embellished to sound better than the reality.

[elaine567]

Did you ever take that course you said you were gong to take or are you still working in retail?

[ZA Dater]

Did you ever take that course you said you were gong to take or are you still working in retail?

 

If the OP is in retail that's a definite reason enough to kick OLD to the kerb, retail usually means you get to meet all sorts of people.