smile95 Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 Do not roll your eyes everyone.....I am just thinking outloud I guess.lol CAn someone tell me why if my ex really was selfish and never made time for me or showed concern, why do I still hope he will call me. I miss him so much. I loved him and I know that he loved me in his own way. I am doing NC, but it is killing me. he always calls after I do NC, so I guess I am secretly hoping he will this time too. If I love him, why can't I tell him???? COuld I just be obsessed? COuld I just want to feel needed? We were so in love when we were together(we were LDR) and I cannot let that go.......the connection was incredible. I am just thinking outloud and thanks to fly on the wall, I did not call yesterday. But I am so emotional today. I just want to hear his voice? If this is not love I feel for him-what is it....you can be harsh....I need it. I jut feel like my heart isa telling me to hold on until he gets his life in order and if it is meant ot be, he will come back. I did so well for so many days and now today i am a mess. Neither of us did anything wrong....neither of us have anyone else.....we failed becasue of his schedule and his job and his current perrsonal issues he needs to get in order. I know divorce is stressful, so I guess I should just try and look at this as bad timing and to let him do his own thing. The last time we took a break, he said this is not my fault and he could not give me what I needed right now in his life. Maybe I should have listened. I am not sure if doing NC will ever get me over him. I am not sure I want to be over him. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 3, 2005 Share Posted August 3, 2005 You want badly to believe that you two were in love but your situation has all the symptoms of a toxic addiction. There are books about love addiction and I think you would be very wise to read some. Everyone in the midst of such an addiction is absolutely convinced the other person was in love too but that usually is not the case. They just believed it because they needed to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 3, 2005 Author Share Posted August 3, 2005 Eventhough he continued to tell me that he loved me? I know they are just words, but I guess he just fed my addiction then by saying that? Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 COuld I just be obsessed? YES. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Eventhough he continued to tell me that he loved me? I know they are just words, but I guess he just fed my addiction then by saying that? Yes. And words are definitely only words. Link to post Share on other sites
katty774 Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 I'm sorry you are having a bad day today. We all have them. I will do really good a day or so and then be a total mess. Remember, I had you to count on the other day when I had a bad day. I think my bad days are worse when I am pmsing. You are right about thinking that if it is meant to be you will get back together. I think if two are meant to be together that nothing, not family, religion, career, etc. can keep them apart. Unfortunately I myself have not ever found a man who ever put me first but I want to believe that when I do find my soulmate nothing will keep us apart. Hang in there kiddo, your doing great. I am here if you need me. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 I am going through the same thing. love and want someone who is not capable of loving and wanting me. selfish type, etc. please read this book. it helps called " You're Not That Into Him Either" by Ian Kerner, Phd and "Woman Who Love Too Much" by robin norwood. both are excellent reading. will be VERY curoius what you think after reading both tese books should you decide to. I am not fully over the want of him wanting me, but i sure understand it now and it made me feel i wasn't alone and it made me understand how i got caught up in this addictive/stuck syndrome. yes i loved/loved him, but the cirumstances lent themselves to how I was left off with this wanting to fix this unfinished business on my part. hope it helps some. i can relate! Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 sheesh i am sleepy and hate all these typo's of mine. lol just get those books. Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Books will make you feel better for a lil while after you read them, but at the end of the day you have to make yourself stop contacting him. Trust me..after a couple months of no contact, the pain subsides greatly and you will be wondering why you made all these posts. Its been goin on for years hasnt it beth? show some strength and be proud of yourself when you havnt contacted him for a month.. not a day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 4, 2005 Author Share Posted August 4, 2005 I think my bad days are worse when I am pmsing. How funny- I am. I watched that show "blow out" on Bravolast night and cried so hard. (It is about a freaking hair dresser. Funny how PMS makes you feel! Thank you everyonel. I love that I can vent to you all and feel so much better after doing so. I will get those books! Actaully-I already read women who love too much a few yrs ago. I am on day 10-no biggie, but it is still hard. All of your posts hit home and it is nice to know I am NOT alone. I actually had a dream about the phone ringing to his ringer and woke up in a panic! lol Did the book about -maybe you are just not into him talk about getting over them or what all did it entail? pippen 2k- yes, 3 yrs So it is very possible that eventhough I love him so much, after a couple months I will not feel so strongly? Or will time not help me if I love him this much. I wish that he HAD done something awful so I could hate him Thanks again everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 We are all in the same boat Beth. I lost the love of my life, but theres no way im gonna torture myself any longer than I have to. A few months was long enough..after that NOPE! I refuse to do it anymore... God.. I would never forgive myself I I kept it going any longer. As tempting as it is, you know what the outcome will be if you try to contact them. You can just imagine what they are thinking when we try to contact them after months or even years after the breakup... they will think we are pathetic... and quite frankly they are right! Dont do it to yourself anymore...please... or you will be miserable for the rest of your life! I will be very dissapointed if you do again... cause you just cause yourself un-neccesary pain. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Beth, love's just a feeling - and nobody except you and this guy really know what you felt for eachother. To make a relationship out of it, however, it needs to become something that you do as well as feel. Maybe partly because of the distance element, but also (from things you've said) because of his personality, he just wasn't prepared to put that effort in...so even if it was love, it wasn't something the two of you could turn into a workable relationship. As far as the addictive aspect of your situation goes. It sounds very much as if the unsatisfactory nature of the relationship pushed you into a downward spiral, and compounded some low feelings you have about yourself. You sound in a lot of pain. Contact with your ex maybe acts as a temporary painkiller, but it can't address or cure the root problems. It's natural for you to keep wanting the relief that painkiller provides, but you know that as soon as you take it you'll be set right back and have to go through the worst part of the withdrawal again. Please try not to beat yourself up too much for wanting to hear from him. Better just to accept that yes, you do still feel like that but you're really focused on trying to move on from it. How's your new pet? Hopefully he (or she?) is providing some fun and helping to keep your mind off things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 4, 2005 Author Share Posted August 4, 2005 thanks pippen and lindya Pippen-it would be easier to let go if this was not the millionth time he has done this to me and come back a month later. Do you still cry? Miss them? Lindya-you hit is right on. So true. I guess we canlove each other forever, but when it comes down to it, love is not all we need here. We need compromise and a lot more. I think I have tried so hard to make it work and accept crumbs that I feel like I gave and gave and now failed and now I am the one in pain. Does not seem fair. As my Dad always says, "no one said life was fair" and my grandma was wise in saying"let go and let God" I am trying so hard to let go. I know from my posts I sound ridiculous, but really I love this man with all my heart and I guess it will take a while to accpet it is REALLY over this time. My only dilemma will be when he calls. Will I be strong enough to say "enough is enough" and finally end this cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 wow -what an emotional day yest.......I was soooooooo very close to calling him or texting him but I called ALL of my friends and asked them to talk to me instead. I have to stickl to NC in order to get over this. My one friend saifd that since he has done this before and last time he admitted that he could not provide what I needed and deserved, that I should just assume that is what he is trying to say this time too. I just wish HE would say it. Although when has he ever talkeds about his feelings!!!!! lol I thought about something last night....when he does this ignoring phase, the same thing happens..... feb-april 04 july-sept 04 feb-april 05 may0june 05 july-now those are all the times he has ignored me for longer than a month and then comes back when his life settles down or he realizes I am gone. My goal this time is to not add anymore to that list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am yearning for the past and who he was and the old memories and he is not that man now. I have to remember this! Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 feb-april 04 july-sept 04 feb-april 05 may0june 05 july-now Beth don't take this the wrong way. I know you have had a tough time of it and don't seem to want to move on. The dates you just wrote down look to me as dates that he was seeing someone else. I'll bet anything that he goes NC with you whenever he is dating someone and when that fails he contacts you claiming his life is in order.. Beth.. Forget about him.. this was a LDR and YOU need someone that loves YOU.. he doesn't show you any signs that he loves you. and one way love doesn't work I don't know if I'm right about the dates or not but when you write about him I see so many signs of this I felt I needed to say something Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 What you experienced on your part was "what love is supposed to be", according to you at the few times you were actually together with the guy. It does not make it mutual - and considering the behavior of your ex, it is obvious that it was not mutual. Obviously, you are changing - and hopefully won't settle for crumbs similar to the ones your ex offered to you. Redefine love for yourself. Love is not a fleeting feeling amidst months of misery, which, because of the stark contrast, leaves such a strong impression on your mind. Stick to NC, and of course remind yourself every time you think of the few positives of the guy, about the many negatives of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 I have run thru that possiblity, but I also know that those are the busiest months for work and also he is so paranoid about a PI on him , that I do not think that is the case. I understand looking in -that is how it looks, but I also know that he gets very overwhelmed with all that is goin on in his life and I always see it coming.....I can predict it.....if he were with someone else all those times, I would thikn his mom would have said something. She talks to me and tells me how he is stressed. He has even started taking anti-D's for all his stress. I have not talked to her this time, but I assume it is the same....but still......even if he is just stressed, it is a shi**y way to end things. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Beth....you are doing great with your run of NO contact. keep it up as Pippen is so right in saying the with time you will start to be able to see things more rationaile. I'm curious though with the dates you gave in one of your other posts. It seems that you were apart more than you were together. Your approval of that pattern of life probably has led him to believe that you will be okay with him conducting himself that way for years to come. Is that what you really would have wanted? I am trying so hard myself to determine what "love" is as of late........please tell me why you are so in love with this man still..........what is it about him that you can't potentially find in someone else outside of your being familiar with him? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I have run thru that possiblity, but I also know that those are the busiest months for work and also he is so paranoid about a PI on him , that I do not think that is the case. I understand looking in -that is how it looks, but I also know that he gets very overwhelmed with all that is goin on in his life and I always see it coming.....I can predict it.....if he were with someone else all those times, I would thikn his mom would have said something. She talks to me and tells me how he is stressed. He has even started taking anti-D's for all his stress. I have not talked to her this time, but I assume it is the same....but still......even if he is just stressed, it is a shi**y way to end things. Beth these are all excuses that you are either making for him or believing. Nobodys life is so stressed out that you do this..You make room for the things that are important to you. Excuses = Denial Until you see the light you will continue to hope he contacts you in a few weeks or a month from now.. and his Mom is NOT going to tell you.. Sorry blood is thicker than water Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 Upsetnhurt We were together 3 yrs and YES it bothers me that he runs from problems.....he does this in every aspect of his life. The only thing that he truly is good at is his job and he is praised and rewarded with $. His favorite thing. NO I would not be able to deal with this in the future. It is funny becasue he told me a story about how him and his wife sep in 1998 and then he begged her to come back and she did after a few months. Then they sep again and now divorcing. I feel like he did the same crap to her. I understand that he is going thru a rough couple of yrs(esp with him being torn away from his son a lot) but still......he could at least be man enough to explain this to me. I assume everything. All I can say about what I like about him is we had a ball together. It was love at first sight. We shared a great connection that I am so scared I cannot find that again. I guess that is why I over look all the bad parts. The reason I belive it is so hard for me to let go is I only think of the times we were together and it was always fun. Not a normal relationship where you see each other daily and get the good and bad. If I did, I am sure this would be easier. HE is very selfish. I know in my heart we love each other, but I also know that he would never treat me any better than he does now. You do not change to be more unselfish or more caring. I guess maybe it is not so much I miss him, but I miss the dreams i built up around him and his promises. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 I could be in denial, but they are not excuses. Sadly, they are all the reasons his wife left him. WORK and making no time for her. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I could be in denial, but they are not excuses. Sadly, they are all the reasons his wife left him. WORK and making no time for her. They are excuses.. even if he works like that.. You sound like a real caring, loving, good person and you deserve someone that can treat you right. He is BAD NEWS .. even if he comes back again you are still going to be heartbroken in the end. Can't you see that ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 I can see that. I know that I was miserable for sooooo long. I am not in denial that I need some kind of outside help. I just cannot afford it until my insurance kicks in in 90 days at my new job. I am just devestated that someone I loved so much could leave me? when I did so much for him and was so understanding? he is a diffrerent person in person than he is on the phone. At home or at work he just is not the same as in person. I guess since when we are together, he has no computer or voicemails from bosses or distractions. I am taking the time together as how real life would be and it WOULD NOT BE> My luck, I would end up in his home with his son and he would be at work all day. FUN RIGHT? For me, it is all about being rejected I guess. I really do not think I want him back? I want the old him back. But I know enought to know that I cannot have that person back. I almost feel like I want to be the one to leave HIM! Not the other way around. HOw does one get over that? Also, seeing his pattern, how do I give up hope that he will not return? Maybe I say I love him and I am not sure I evenknow what that is anymore? I get scared though. I started talking to someone I met online and he is overly nice and sweet. kinda makes me sick. All I can think about after I talk to him is how he is not "_____". Is that a normal feeling? I do not know how to get over this. Clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I get scared though. I started talking to someone I met online and he is overly nice and sweet. kinda makes me sick. All I can think about after I talk to him is how he is not "_____". Is that a normal feeling? Yes it's a normal feeling.. You just push thru those feelings.. And I think you are doing great Just keep up the NC Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 Thanks...I guess I need to stop wondering about him and all these questions that just hurt me to ponder and remember that no matter what is going on with him, I do not deserve to be treated this way and staying in this any longer will only prolong my future and my happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
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