If we were not in love, then what was it I felt?

[GL 44]

Beth said "For me, it is all about being rejected I guess. I really do not think I want him back? I want the old him back. But I know enought to know that I cannot have that person back. I almost feel like I want to be the one to leave HIM! Not the other way around. HOw does one get over that?"

 

This is what tripped me up for awhile. I had broken up with my ex fiance. She lured me back to ultimately dump me just 2 weeks later! I suck it up, swallow my pride and get crushed for my trouble.

It's hard handling the rejection and humiliation. Breakups are hard enough but anyone who's been on both sides of the fence knows being the "dumpee" is the worst. Alot of times the dumpee knew things were not right for a long time and could have,(in hindsight should have),been the ones to walk away. We're bad enders or rather don't have enough sense to know when to move on.

 

After enough time goes by you'll begin to not even care who broke up with whom. It's a moot point because the r/s wasn't healthy and not meant to be for the long haul.

 

Those who we loved so deeply did us a favor in the long run. Given we didn't want to give up in spite of signs that we should have, they saved us weeks or months or years of wasting our life with the wrong person. The really important thing to take away from a failed relationship is to look within for self improvement. So as not to continue to make the same mistakes in the future. I found in my case co-dependency issues. I'm working hard to break this behaviour. If I see the warning signs,(red flags), early on in the next encounter with someone, I'm moving on quickly.

 

You're right. You didn't deserve to be treated as you have been. Keep posting. Talk to friends and family. Get it ALL out. Stay total N/C. You're going to be fine. Be patient, it doesn't happen overnite.

[shamen]

Originally posted by beth5201

I understand that he is going thru a rough couple of yrs(esp with him being torn away from his son a lot) but still......he could at least be man enough to explain this to me. I assume everything.

 

Not a normal relationship where you see each other daily and get the good and bad. If I did, I am sure this would be easier. HE is very selfish. I know in my heart we love each other, but I also know that he would never treat me any better than he does now. You do not change to be more unselfish or more caring.

 

I guess maybe it is not so much I miss him, but I miss the dreams i built up around him and his promises.

 

Hi Beth,

 

I think that he has explained this to you on some level, he realizes that he's bad for you and has told you so, basically. Maybe he didn't come right out and say, "I didn't contact you and then contact you again because... blah blah blah, I didn't mean to hurt you," but you've had many opportunities for just telling him where to put it. Really. It's time to stop worrying about some sort of closure on this, you've got what you've got now. A feeling that this isn't healthy or normal, a knowledge of that fact.

 

You're right in that you haven't had a normal relationship where you've gotten to see each other every day. I'm sure that it would be worse if you were in the same town. I think that part of the reason you've hung on for so long is BECAUSE he isn't where you live. Can you imagine waiting by the phone for him if you lived close? For 2-3 months at a time? NO. I'm sure that you can't. You wouldn't do it. So, why do it for him when he's not there? Think about this logically.

 

Yes, a lot of this is about DREAMS. Not reality. Promises can be empty words. Words. That's it. All kinds of people say things that they do not mean. Maybe sometimes they even mean it when they say it, but change their mind later on, or they just don't realize that they don't mean it.

 

Originally posted by beth5201

I can see that. I know that I was miserable for sooooo long.

 

I am taking the time together as how real life would be and it WOULD NOT BE> My luck, I would end up in his home with his son and he would be at work all day. FUN RIGHT?

 

Also, seeing his pattern, how do I give up hope that he will not return? Maybe I say I love him and I am not sure I evenknow what that is anymore?

 

I do not know how to get over this. Clearly.

 

You have indeed been miserable. It's time to walk away from the misery and stop worrying about whether or not he'll call, but about what you're going to do each day. Time to worry about YOU.

 

I think that it's good that you're imagining what life would be like if you two were in the same town, because the reality of it I don't think would be any better. Yeah, that's a possibility of you being in his home alone, with the son. Him at work. That would indeed suck. Or, you, in another apt., waiting for his phone call. Or his text.

 

Give up the hope that he will return. Walk away from this for your own good. If he returns, what would it even be? Another round of hide and go seek? Screw that! It's time to show him and yourself that you are stronger. You've been doing well this time with NC, stick to it.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure that it is love now... it's just the fairy tale of what it was once. Or the obsession of what it was, you're hyperfocused on him. Maybe because it gives you something to think about? And you will eventually get over it. With NC. And sticking to it. No talking to him because clearly each time you guys talk, you break down and take him back.

 

Originally posted by GL 44

Those who we loved so deeply did us a favor in the long run. Given we didn't want to give up in spite of signs that we should have, they saved us weeks or months or years of wasting our life with the wrong person. The really important thing to take away from a failed relationship is to look within for self improvement. So as not to continue to make the same mistakes in the future. I found in my case co-dependency issues. I'm working hard to break this behaviour. If I see the warning signs,(red flags), early on in the next encounter with someone, I'm moving on quickly.

 

You're right. You didn't deserve to be treated as you have been. Keep posting. Talk to friends and family. Get it ALL out. Stay total N/C. You're going to be fine. Be patient, it doesn't happen overnite.

 

GL 44 has some really great points, Beth. Reread what he wrote. Just a thought that there may be some co-dependency issues with you and your ex (let's think of him this way)...

[smile95]

Thanks for taking the time for the lenghty messages FL44 and Shamen

 

I know that he has tried in some aspect to tell me that he can't do this now. I guess that I should just have listened to him instead of hoping for more. he told me last month that he will just come for me in the future when his life is at a place where he can provide what I need and that I should not jump into anything and I should be single a while and that he loves me always. So after that, we did the friends tning and he called and said he loved me and I guess we started talking too much again and I guess I asked for too much and that is when he just stopped again. So this is partly my own fault for pushing.

 

 

 

 

Shamen-you know how we have talked....I know that you know what I am feeling.....we have talked about letting go of people you still love...can you say that you things are getting better for you? You still talk to your ex right? What if you did not? Would you be healing faster? I know that you love your ex, but the circumstances are getting in the way. My one friend told me to just trust in my heart and move on and if he comes back ready, great. And if not, I would have moved on. WIll my love for him really fade?

 

I am having a problem letting go of the dreams.....but I have to.I am basing all my hopes and thoughts of him on the 1st yr together and it is not like that.

 

Nothing would change if he would call....we would be great for that 1st conv and he would promise me the world and we would both cry about how we miss each other and blah blah and then a month later, I would be back here.....upset. I have to just stick to NC and I will. It is amazing how one minute I am strong and the next I cannot even stand up from crying so hard.

 

I am trusting you all when you say time can heal me.........I just do not think time can heal this heart. It would be so much easier if he would have told me we were done or told me to bug off or SOMETHING. I know you all say that he is saying something by not saying anything.....but knowing how he works...I know I have not heard the last from him and it terrifys me knowing that I am going to have to be strong enough to not asnwer this call from someone I love so much. When I do NC to him(in the past), he kinda freaks and finds any means to get ahold of me and then acts so sweet like he used to....that is where my downfall happens!

 

And shamen, yes, it is all I have to focus on right now, so that is taking over my mind. So that could be a big part of it.

 

It is only day 13 of NC so maybe I am expecting a miracle.

[smile95]

Today I really tried to sit down and see what it is I think I love about him so much. My answer....the chemistry. Is chemistry something that can be found with others too? I know that sounds like a childish question, but I never felt this with anyone else. It is actaully quite sad when I thought about it........it was not that I missed him caring ways, concern, love, etc, it was chemistry. I remembered all the times I waited for a call that was only 5 minutes long and all about him and the times we would take trips and he would be on his computer with work almost ignoring me. The only times I am having a hard time with ARE the times that he was sweet to me. Lots of PDA, the way he looked at me, the times we spent laughing. But the more I think of it. From 6months on, it went downhill. And here I am 335 yrs later still hoping he will revert to that man again. It hurts, but I see now that my memories cannot be matched anymore. At least not where he is in his life. I just hate losing that chemistry.

[IfiKnewThen]

beth i really can relate to you and will write more when i get the chance. every time i come here to read this post i feel like you are writing my words and feelings for me (hehe and saving me the time and trouble)i am starting to think we dated brothers lol. i dated the same kind of self serving type of person for 5 years and all i do is think on the good things. i think i was so in the habit of trying to get his approval and love, i am still in that mode. but he was clever and crafty at making me somehow feel i did all wrong. if only i was somehow better to him.......etc. its just that i had the most fun with him..well chemistry wise, and he met me when i was down and vulnerable and so he made me feel like a woman and alive again. even though i was very frustrated with his ways (like he was always on the computer when i would go visit him traveling 1000miles too) and all kinds of other things, i think i was attracted to his confidence and i developed the need to want to win him over more and get him more into me. that is why i really recommend the book "youre not that into him either" because it describeshow some woman can develope a syndrome of loving a guy who didnt give much. how we lowered our normal standards and began to operate on their terms. its complicated but not really that hard to understand. the author really spoke to me in the sense that i saw what he was talking about and saw how i did indeed get into this stuck syndrome he described. he nailed what happened to me on the head. in fact i need to read this book again to remind myself how i got to this place to begin with. its not a good thing to always try to please a man. and our resent ment seeps out in the end and then poisons the relationship anyway, when we merely give into them to please them. a lot of people may disagree with me but lots of males really like being the one to pleas a woman and make her happy "IF" she appreciates it. when we bend over backwards trying to please them, somehow things feel reversed and they get lazy and give up trying to please us. i still grieve, miss and even obsess, ov er this man that dumped me. i am getting a little bit better. i wish the shoe were on the other foot and he can feel what it felt like to be deceived, by a selfish woman who dumped him. i keep thinking if only he would "get it" (that feeling) then i would be able to move on better. i still believe that. but until such a day comes all i can do is to take every tool available to me to heal and get healthy again. its shocking to think we knew someone we didnt know and our sense of reality is shattered. it's not an easy thing to get over. but if we put half the energy we put into these jerks, into ourselves, God willing we will get there and find peace. sorry of i am rambling. i always read these posts when i am dead tired. just wanted to say, i do realte to you alot and i think i dated your guys brother. ROFL. hang in there. keep doing whatever it takes to heal. you sound like youre really trying. dont give up. i am not healed yet either. i am still mad and tortured over this thing a lot. but i know somehow with persistance and prayer , i will be the old me again...somehow.....some way.

[smile95]

IfiKnewThen

 

I have to leave for work now, but I will surely write more later.......although it is not a fun thing to have in common, it is nice to know I am not the only one...thanks for writing.......I will e back on later this afternoon.

[shamen]

Originally posted by beth5201

I know that he has tried in some aspect to tell me that he can't do this now. I guess that I should just have listened to him instead of hoping for more. he told me last month that he will just come for me in the future when his life is at a place where he can provide what I need and that I should not jump into anything and I should be single a while and that he loves me always.

 

Shamen-you know how we have talked....I know that you know what I am feeling.....we have talked about letting go of people you still love...can you say that you things are getting better for you? You still talk to your ex right? What if you did not? Would you be healing faster? I know that you love your ex, but the circumstances are getting in the way. My one friend told me to just trust in my heart and move on and if he comes back ready, great. And if not, I would have moved on. WIll my love for him really fade?

 

Nothing would change if he would call....we would be great for that 1st conv and he would promise me the world and we would both cry about how we miss each other and blah blah and then a month later, I would be back here.....upset. I have to just stick to NC and I will.

 

I am trusting you all when you say time can heal me.........I just do not think time can heal this heart. It would be so much easier if he would have told me we were done or told me to bug off or SOMETHING. I know you all say that he is saying something by not saying anything.....

 

And shamen, yes, it is all I have to focus on right now, so that is taking over my mind. So that could be a big part of it.

 

It is only day 13 of NC so maybe I am expecting a miracle.

 

Hi Beth,

 

I can't believe that he told you that you should be single for a while! What a jerk! Don't let him tell you to do anything. That really infuriates me. He just wants you on the back burner, and that is not a place for you to be. You totally deserve to be on the FRONT burner, ya know?

 

And yes, he has been telling you things about how it should end at the same time. He can't do this now, not calling you. That says it all.

 

Things are mostly better for me, but as he and I still talk occasionally, it's making this process slower. So, I'm trying to ignore him when he calls now. Not answering the phone. Not seeing him. I know that I was better off when we weren't talking at all. Seeing him makes me fall apart, as I've mentioned. I'll cry for the next few days and want him back. Then I'll remember all of the sh*tty things that he did to me and I'll remind myself that I went back to him once after breaking up with him and it was bad all over again in a month...

 

I don't know if the love totally goes away (I still love in some way some of my old exes too), but it fades and it doesn't hurt so much. I don't feel the same way that I felt about him... It's been 7 months now. Last year I only made it 6 before I gave in. I don't want to repeat my same last mistake with him by going back. And I won't!

 

Just like your ex, he'll promise you the world and things will be good for a while and you'll be right back where you are now. What's the point of going through this again? There is none.

 

Time, time, time. And again, with the focusing on him... the busier you are, the less time you have to think about him! 13 days isn't very long, you're right, don't expect miracles.

 

When you are ready to date, do it. I don't think today is the day, but it will come. Don't let thoughts of him coming back into your life deter you from being happy on your own, without him.

 

Originally posted by beth5201

Today I really tried to sit down and see what it is I think I love about him so much. My answer....the chemistry. Is chemistry something that can be found with others too? I know that sounds like a childish question, but I never felt this with anyone else. It is actaully quite sad when I thought about it........it was not that I missed him caring ways, concern, love, etc, it was chemistry. I remembered all the times I waited for a call that was only 5 minutes long and all about him and the times we would take trips and he would be on his computer with work almost ignoring me. The only times I am having a hard time with ARE the times that he was sweet to me. Lots of PDA, the way he looked at me, the times we spent laughing. But the more I think of it. From 6months on, it went downhill. And here I am 3 yrs later still hoping he will revert to that man again. It hurts, but I see now that my memories cannot be matched anymore. At least not where he is in his life. I just hate losing that chemistry.

 

What you're remembering is the infatuation stuff that you experience at the beginning of any relationship. This isn't the real part. The real part is what happens after the infatuation wears off... and see what it's been like since then? Crappy. When you start realizing that the dream, the infatuation part of the initial relationship is fake, then you'll see what he really is. The relationship, of your own accord, has been going downhill from 6 months on. That's the reality of what and who he is.

[Mz. Pixie]

Beth,

 

Yes, they are excuses. He is just not that into you.

 

You know how I know? I'm going to use my husband as an example. He was recently my boyfriend and not my husband. He works three jobs and has partial custody of his son. Despite all of that, he made time for me. He called me several times a day and spent time with me. Of course, he still makes time for me- but I'm using when we were dating as a example.

 

My point is, you make time for the things that are important to you. If he were that into you he would make time for you. Plain and simple.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

"don't give him another chance to hurt you again"

 

"don't waste the pretty"

 

Keep it going Beth - don't break. There's someone better out there for you. You know that to be true. You are impatient like me and want the good stuff right now, but good things are worth waiting for. Please keep believing this.

[smile95]

What you're remembering is the infatuation stuff that you experience at the beginning of any relationship. This isn't the real part. The real part is what happens after the infatuation wears off... and see what it's been like since then? Crappy.

 

This is so true, I know this, but somehow it is not processing in my brain!!!!!

 

I keep thinking about if we will EVER talk again and then I wonder---why do I care? Why do I want to talk to him? He disrespected ME and for once I am not going to be the one to break the ice and say sorry for something I did not do?

 

Day 14 and still going!

 

Shamen-I figured that meant he did not want me to date. he said "I will come for you when I am divorced and I will win you back"

 

If Iknewthen-hang in there. Today was actaully a cry-free day for me? I have ups and downs. THings are started to set in that it is over and altho it is only day 14, I can tell that not chasing him around or waiting around is a lot less miserable than being with him!

[smile95]

ok something odd, but good is happening. I am getting sick of thinking about him! 15 days of NC! I really am so sick of trying to answer all the unanswered questions. I am just tired of the whole thing....I think this is progress!!!!!!???????

[shamen]

Originally posted by beth5201

 

This is so true, I know this, but somehow it is not processing in my brain!!!!!

 

I keep thinking about if we will EVER talk again and then I wonder---why do I care? Why do I want to talk to him? He disrespected ME and for once I am not going to be the one to break the ice and say sorry for something I did not do?

 

Day 14 and still going!

 

Shamen-I figured that meant he did not want me to date. he said "I will come for you when I am divorced and I will win you back"

 

If Iknewthen-hang in there. Today was actaully a cry-free day for me? I have ups and downs. THings are started to set in that it is over and altho it is only day 14, I can tell that not chasing him around or waiting around is a lot less miserable than being with him!

 

I'm so glad for you that you are doing well and maintaining NC! Yay!

 

Just keep reminding yourself that what you're remembering is infatuation and it's not real. Mantra. Say and repeat.

 

Absolutely no saying sorry. You've got nothing to say sorry for. I know that you want to talk to him, but you also know in your heart that that is not worth it. Just a waste of getting over it NC time!

 

If he ever decides to come back for you, hopefully you've already moved on. Dating new guys, better guys. Not thinking about him on a daily basis. And if you're not with anybody, well then, you can tell him to either take a hike or that you have no intentions of going back to a relationship with him the same way that it was. Is he capable of giving you all that you need? I don't know that he will ever really be capable of this, Beth. Please keep that in mind!!!

 

 

Originally posted by beth5201

ok something odd, but good is happening. I am getting sick of thinking about him! 15 days of NC! I really am so sick of trying to answer all the unanswered questions. I am just tired of the whole thing....I think this is progress!!!!!!???????

 

Yay! I'm glad that you're getting sick of it. Absolutely progress! Lots of wasted brain time on a man that is not worth it.

[smile95]

Thanks Shamen....I guess the thing that makes me panic is thinking about how I will prob never talk to this man again...and if I do, I pray that I am strong enough to be strong or if not, just force myself to not answer him.

[GL 44]

Whether you realise it or not, you are healing. It's apparent by your recent posts. As time goes on,(IF you stay in N/C), the pain and confusion will become less and less a part of your everyday life. Hang in there sweetie. There's a whole new world out there just waiting for you. Stay strong.

[smile95]

Thanks....this is honestly the best I have felt during NC(even during the times I did it over a month). I just think that I know now for my future it is best to stay away. I am counting on the feelings and questions fading. I may never have answers and I accept that. Actaully, I may not want the answers. Thanks for the support!

[GL 44]

Originally posted by beth5201

Thanks....this is honestly the best I have felt during NC(even during the times I did it over a month). I just think that I know now for my future it is best to stay away. I am counting on the feelings and questions fading. I may never have answers and I accept that. Actaully, I may not want the answers. Thanks for the support!

 

WORD. Go girl.

[wakamiya]

Way to go Beth!

 

I'm quoting shamen on this, "Just keep reminding yourself that what you're remembering is infatuation and it's not real. Mantra. Say and repeat."

 

Remembering that REALLY does help.

[shamen]

Originally posted by beth5201

Thanks Shamen....I guess the thing that makes me panic is thinking about how I will prob never talk to this man again...and if I do, I pray that I am strong enough to be strong or if not, just force myself to not answer him.

 

No reason to panic about it, Beth! Like you said, two choices, be strong in the conversation or don't even answer the phone. I can tell you from experience that it's a hell of a lot easier to just NOT answer the phone...

 

Originally posted by GL 44

Whether you realise it or not, you are healing. It's apparent by your recent posts. As time goes on,(IF you stay in N/C), the pain and confusion will become less and less a part of your everyday life. Hang in there sweetie. There's a whole new world out there just waiting for you. Stay strong.

 

Originally posted by beth5201

Thanks....this is honestly the best I have felt during NC(even during the times I did it over a month). I just think that I know now for my future it is best to stay away. I am counting on the feelings and questions fading. I may never have answers and I accept that. Actaully, I may not want the answers. Thanks for the support!

 

I completely agree with GL 44. You DO sound like you are getting better! You are even posting on other subjects now, which you didn't do ages ago.

 

Please reread what GL 44 said that I bolded, this is key. The only way to keep getting better is to maintain NC and it certainly seems like now you are really letting that sink in. I'm so excited for you that you are beginning to realize that there isn't always answers for the questions that we have about our exes, especially since it's so TRUE!

[smile95]

Hi guys......

 

THanks for keeping my spirits up.....had a so so day today.....2.5 wks into NC. Feel ok still. I have my moments though.......

 

I guess the other part that eats at me and I find myself thinking about is tht he IGNORED ME at the end and I did not do anything wrong? I hate people being mad at me if I do not know what for? I know in my heart, if anything, all I did was want more of his time and I guess that is not so bad? My memories keep coming back, but after they do, I force myself to remember that those memories are from 2-3 yrs ago! Not now! He is not the same! So that seems to be working.....for the time being....lol

 

Stupid songs and movies get to me too, but I think that I miss being in love.....not being in love with him. At least I am hoping that is the case. If he was "my soul mate", then will I ever be able to get over him?

 

Not to worry, I am still feeling good....just clearing the final thoughts out of my head I guess.

 

Still progressing....I guess it is normal to be up and down.

[katty774]

Hey Beth,

Its crazy this ride that were on. Do you remember purchasing the ticket to this crazy roller coaster? Me either. That is how I feel most of the time up and down, up and down. I just wonder how to get off of this dang roller coaster.

Well I know we are strong and we both will survive. Hugs, Kat

[smile95]

It is a crazy ride!!!!! I am hoping to have more ups than downs in the future! I feel like I make progress and then something happens and I crash! Mostly it is just my thoughts that mess up my progress. I guess I will stop thinking-lol.

We both will make it! It is kinda nice not to have to wonder where he is and if he will call and when will I see him, etc.......a weight lifted!