Critical Wife. Possible divorce. iPhone addiction.

[sadguy1975]

My first post really, so I want to say hi first to everyone!

 

OK, I hope to get things off my chest here and maybe get some advice or comments.

 

Been married 7 years with two kids, I'm 41 and she's 32. Kids are 4 and 1 years of age. We have a comfortable life, everything most people could wish for.

 

Ever since the beginning my wife has been critical of me. I presume she gets anxious about things and bottles it up. Eventually it surfaces as a criticism towards me, i.e. the garbage isn't taken out so I'm dirty. Sounds trivial, really. Maybe I'm her emotional trash can.

 

In the beginning it started out as "you don't know how to make love to a woman", it escalated quickly to "no one can love you". Early on I ignored the comments (I think I have/had good self-esteem) but eventually it got to me. I've heard I'm not attractive, I don't have a good face, I'm not motivated, I'm not a good father, I can't get along with my mother, just yesterday I was told that I love my son more than my daughter and that I am not a real man.

 

I'm telling myself it doesn't really affect me deep inside because other people don't see any of those comments being true at all. My parents-in-law don't think I'm a bad father at all. I'm well-respected at work and I am generally social and easy-going. As far as looks I receive a lot of compliments from women and am in pretty good shape. So I know objectively her words aren't true. But....to be honest, the comments are getting to me and I'm feeling a little down-trodden and my self-esteem is taking a hit. Frankly, it is making me sad and a little depressed.

 

Now, I'm no perfect man because I hear the criticisms and then take it in. But it gets to me eventually and I stonewall unfortunately. I tell her that I don't appreciate those comments upfront but it goes unheard and I just feel like I want to remove myself from her to avoid being hurt more.

 

When I look at my wife, I feel ugly, unwanted, I feel like she sees me as a sex-monster (like most men, I feel love through intimacy, and I would like to sleep with my wife 3-4 times a week. Currently this is at 1-2 a month. And it's on her terms really). I feel like she thinks I'm a loser and I can never be good enough.

 

I've never had this in any previous relationship. I've never been criticized this much. But I have been cheated on previously, if that matters.

 

We have a really good family and I'm fighting this because I want my kids to have a great life. But I can't be in a marriage like this and I fear eventually I will lose respect for myself and the kids will lose respect for me too. I feel like I'm "drowning".

 

I've told her that I want a marriage that is fun. Lots of laughter and good times. I want intimacy and etiquette. She changes and adapts but it only lasts a few days until it starts again.

 

She is from Brazil and from a wealthy family. But here she isolates herself. I come home from work and she vanishes upstairs at 7pm and watches TV shows on her iphone until she falls asleep. Every night. 7 days a week.

 

I am going to go to counseling alone. She doesn't want to come. But the offer is still there for her to join me.

 

Conclusion: I feel disrespected and frankly I think this is abuse. My feeling is to avoid her or to walk on egg shells. I think she has an iphone addiction. But overall it shows how much she values our marriage.

 

Comments? Tough love?

Edited June 4, 2017 by sadguy1975

[preraph]

You're not even trying to work with her or listen to her issues she's brought up. And if you can't love someone without sex, you're in love with sex, not the person. Not saying she's perfect with her communication, but you've just blown off everything she's tried to bring up.

[springy]

Your wife has been like this from the beginning yet you still married her. Why?

Does she know you are thinking about ending the marriage?

[aurelius99]

You're not even trying to work with her or listen to her issues she's brought up. And if you can't love someone without sex, you're in love with sex, not the person. Not saying she's perfect with her communication, but you've just blown off everything she's tried to bring up.

 

This is classic female thinking. You incorrectly assume that men think like women or should think like women.

 

Would you love your husband if suddenly he stopped going to work 2-3 days a week and said he didn't feel like it? No? Oh...well then I guess you truly don't love him as a person.

 

Baloney. Nobody loves anybody unconditionally except parents. Marriage is a contract. I hate to sound cold but it's just reality.

[sadguy1975]

You're not even trying to work with her or listen to her issues she's brought up. And if you can't love someone without sex, you're in love with sex, not the person. Not saying she's perfect with her communication, but you've just blown off everything she's tried to bring up.

 

Prepaph,

 

Thank you for replying.

 

About sex: in the beginning of the relationship we enjoyed a happy sex life and she was the person that wanted intimacy 3-4 times a week. It was something we both enjoyed. Over the course of the years and all the criticisms I am the one that feels distanced from her. I wish it was back to 3-4 times a week but when I see her I am on guard and this destroys the loving feelings.

 

About working with her: can you please explain this point more in depth?

[sadguy1975]

Your wife has been like this from the beginning yet you still married her. Why?

Does she know you are thinking about ending the marriage?

 

She was not like this in the beginning. And she knows that it has grown to a very big issue for me.

 

I've written many emails to her about her iphone use and have told her that I cannot accept the criticisms and that I do not appreciate the constant negative comments about my characteristics or my personality.

 

I asked her why she doesn't speak like this to her father or to her friends and her answer was that she has more intimacy with me. She feels more open to say these things to me, about me.

[Phoenician]

This is classic female thinking. You incorrectly assume that men think like women or should think like women.

 

Would you love your husband if suddenly he stopped going to work 2-3 days a week and said he didn't feel like it? No? Oh...well then I guess you truly don't love him as a person.

 

Baloney. Nobody loves anybody unconditionally except parents. Marriage is a contract. I hate to sound cold but it's just reality.

 

I just want to add that marriage should be a partnership ...

[Phoenician]

Few questions before I judge.

 

How is she with kids ?

 

Does she work ? take responsibilities at home ?

 

do you help her in services ?

 

what % she owns and do ?

 

does she initiate in bed ?

 

did she before do things in sex and life to please you though she dislike ?

 

do you need to request what please you in daily life or intimacy or she ignores it until you ask for it ?

 

did she change suddenly ? if so when ?

[sadguy1975]

Few questions before I judge.

 

How is she with kids ?

 

Does she work ? take responsibilities at home ?

 

do you help her in services ?

 

what % she owns and do ?

 

does she initiate in bed ?

 

did she before do things in sex and life to please you though she dislike ?

 

do you need to request what please you in daily life or intimacy or she ignores it until you ask for it ?

 

did she change suddenly ? if so when ?

 

- With the kids she is bossy but loving. She doesn't criticize them too much but she likes to shout and curse. My son is lively and they don't seem to get on sometimes. I'm sure she loves him very much. She shouts at him sometimes whereas I speak softly with him and I find a calm voice works better, at least for me.

 

- She takes her responsibilities at home and cleans. She is from a wealthy family and has never had to clean so it is very hard for her, she says. I really appreciate the effort she makes. She doesn't see herself as the housewife so this is also a reason why so might be taking things out on me.

 

- I help at home. I take out the garbage, clean, vacuum occasionally, do the washing occasionally, and I take my son to the play school everyday. Amongst other things.

 

- What does she own? We share our wealth 50% down the middle. If she wants something I will get it for her or not complain if she buys things. I trust her not to waste money. We are both frugal, so money has never been an issue.

 

- She initiates in bed. But she has complained when I do, preferring to surf on her iphone generally.

 

- When she's not on the iphone she pleases me 100% in bed. But criticized me for not being a good lover or left during an orgasm (ran off to the toilet and never returned. That was very hurtful to me), or rolled her eyes, yawned or mocked me. At first I thought it was maybe a fantasy I didn't fulfill but really it is just that her daily criticisms have now crept into the bedroom.

 

- I don't need to request anything in particular. I just want her to stop criticizing me for everything. I've begged and shouted at her to stop. I've set boundaries. I am at the point where I am stonewalling too much and prefer to be at work.

 

Let me say this clearly: I don't want the nasty criticisms anymore. That is where I want to go with this. Sick and tired of hearing criticisms of my personality or characteristics. Nasty criticisms. I look at her and all I hear are criticisms and I just want and need to let that go and never hear any more.

 

Sure, give me feedback on my behaviour. Garbage needs to be taken out? I would like to hear "Hey, the garbage is full. Could you take it down on your way out please?". That would be amazing. What I am meaning her say is "You haven't taken the garbage down yet" and she is implying that I am lazy or dirty and I don't do my chores.

 

And I'm fed up with the amount of iphone use. She doesn't care to give this marriage 20 minutes of couple time a day. But chooses to sick on that device 3-4 hours after I get home from work. On the weekends it is closer to 7-8 hours.

 

All I want is: "Hey honey, how was your day?". 20 minutes of couple time. No more nasty criticisms about my personality or characteristics. P&Qs here and there. And I am a happy guy.

[PegNosePete]

She has shown you, with her actions, that she has no interest in fixing the marriage. She could be using this as an exit strategy. Treat you badly until you divorce her, then she can tell all her friends and family that she was a loving wife but you were a mean old man who divorced her for no reason.

 

There's also a good chance she could be cheating. She is showing many of the signs of someone involved in an affair. I would try to get my hands on her phone, if I were you. Does she passcode-protect it, and do you know the code? Does she take it into the shower with her? Can you look at her usage online to see how many texts/calls she makes?

 

If I were you I'd tell her everything you've written here. Tell her that you've tried telling her how you feel on multiple occasions and her behaviour improves only for a couple of days. Tell her that you are unhappy in the marriage and don't want to remain in it unless there is permanent change. Tell her that you're serious about saving the marriage, and you'd like her to come to marriage counselling if she is serious too.

 

But first I'd check her phone...

[sadguy1975]

There's also a good chance she could be cheating

 

Tell her that you are unhappy in the marriage and don't want to remain in it unless there is permanent change. Tell her that you're serious about saving the marriage, and you'd like her to come to marriage counselling if she is serious too.

 

I don't think she's cheating. She doesn't really have the time or access to men at the moment. Her text messages pop up on her phone so I don't even need access really. All the messages are to her mother and sister. And there are millions. It seems as if she's living in Brazil with her parents. We were there recently and we had a row and I asked her if she wanted to stay. I really pushed for her to stay for two reason 1) the criticism issue again 2) when her parents are around I'm a nobody. We go on holidays and it's always her with her parents and me stringing along. I love her parents but not my wife's behaviour.

 

I suggested counseling but she declined. I'm going to go alone.

[PegNosePete]

I don't think she's cheating.

That is what every single BS on these forums says. Nobody believes their wife is cheating. If I were you I would find out 100% for sure. I wouldn't say she's definitely cheating based on what you've written, but I think there is sufficient smoke to justify further investigation.

 

I suggested counseling but she declined. I'm going to go alone.

You can't do marriage counselling on your own. Tell her that you're not happy in the marriage and you both attending marriage counselling together is a 100% non-negotiable condition of you remaining in it.

 

You need to start telling her how serious you are, and what needs to happen you you to be happy in the marriage.

Edited June 5, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Mumbles]

She is from Brazil and from a wealthy family. But here she isolates herself. I come home from work and she vanishes upstairs at 7pm and watches TV shows on her iphone until she falls asleep. Every night. 7 days a week.

 

Thanks for the significant back story. Overall, I couldn't pick out a lot that differentiates most married men who are struggling with something somewhat similar ... but I snipped out the above because that rang a small bell with me.

 

Is there any chance, do you think, that she's depressed? Though depression is quite often associated with a trauma of some type, I don't think its always the case and can be brought on by myriad different things.

 

The thing that made me think of this is the isolating herself and disappearing into the iPhone/TV until sleeping. Its likely this is just background noise to her if she's doing it this often and for this long ... ultimately, she's exhausted by the constant low level stimulation and falls into a sleep coma.

 

Does she come across as lacking energy? To the point where if you didn't know her better she'd seem lazy? Sleeps a lot, wakes late/sleeps late (with the phone), etc, etc?

[sadguy1975]

Nobody believes their wife is cheating. If I were you I would find out 100% for sure. I wouldn't say she's definitely cheating based on what you've written, but I think there is sufficient smoke to justify further investigation.

 

Tell her that you're not happy in the marriage and you both attending marriage counselling together is a 100% non-negotiable condition of you remaining in it.

 

About the cheating: I can't be 100% certain. I've been cheated on before and if she was cheating, so be it. At this point it would just be the final nail in the coffin.

 

And counseling, can't force her, mate. But I can take care of myself. And that is what I'm going to do.

[sadguy1975]

Is there any chance, do you think, that she's depressed?

Does she come across as lacking energy?

 

I've asked her this and of course she denied it. But I think she is.

 

As a teenager I fell into depression, so I know the signs and how it feels. But as I grew older I chose life. I went from sleeping 13 hours a day not going out to playing in a band, doing karate, traveling and enjoying life. I can understand so she might feel away from home, away from her parents and me being the only pressure valve she has.

 

But, everyone is responsible for themselves and I can't be her therapist. I'm her hubby, her lover.

 

At the time of my depression, all I wanted was to sleep forever. For the pain to end. I can't eat or go out. I just sat on IRC all day long, felt sorry for myself. For years. I have understanding for that, I really do.

[PegNosePete]

And counseling, can't force her, mate.

Of course you can't. But you can say that it is a non-negotiable condition of you continuing with the marriage. ie. a polite way of saying if she doesn't go then you'll divorce her.

[Mumbles]

I've asked her this and of course she denied it. But I think she is.

 

As a teenager I fell into depression, so I know the signs and how it feels. But as I grew older I chose life. I went from sleeping 13 hours a day not going out to playing in a band, doing karate, traveling and enjoying life. I can understand so she might feel away from home, away from her parents and me being the only pressure valve she has.

 

But, everyone is responsible for themselves and I can't be her therapist. I'm her hubby, her lover.

 

At the time of my depression, all I wanted was to sleep forever. For the pain to end. I can't eat or go out. I just sat on IRC all day long, felt sorry for myself. For years. I have understanding for that, I really do.

 

Mmm.

 

Honestly, I don't know where to go from here. She won't go to therapy ... and depression either needs time, drugs, or therapy (or all of these). In time she might snap out of it, but given enough time you yourself might go round the bend (so to speak) because of her behavior.

 

You can't self medicate your wife, so it really comes down to a self realisation, on her part, and going to therapy ...

 

This is a bit out there, and carries lots of potential danger, lots, but would sending her home to be with her family have any benefit do you think? Risky strategy I suspect, I'd talk that over with your own therapist first because I'm certainly not one and this wouldn't be my own 'go-to' if there were any other choices available.

[sadguy1975]

Well she just replied via text message.

 

She says I am the critical and controlling one. She is willing to work on her issues but we have imperfections.

 

I'm floored. I'm not definitely perfect but I absolutely don't get off criticizing my spouse or controlling them. I don't care she's on the iphone, I care that she is always on the iphone. I don't care about criticisms, but I do care about criticisms about everything all the time, especially about things like my characteristics or personality.

 

I made the "mistake" of telling her the comments were hurting me and that my self-esteem was taking a hit.

 

Her reply was that self-esteem is something inside. Either you have it or not.

 

I was annoyed by that answer because of the condescending tone within the context of this argument.

 

I'm willing to work on our relationship but where do I go from here? I am still going to counseling about this because I'm sure if we made up today it would go back to how is was within 4-5 days and I need some strategies to deal with this.

[BaileyB]

She doesn't sound critical, based on what you have described i would say that the things she says to you are emotionally abusive.

 

She does a very nice job of blaming the issues in your marriage on you, making you feel like you are the one who needs to change. I would definitely suggest that you find a counsellor, for yourself.

 

Remember, another person can only make you feel badly about yourself with your consent.

[PegNosePete]

I'm sure if we made up today it would go back to how is was within 4-5 days and I need some strategies to deal with this.

Well I've given you a strategy to deal with that.

 

You tell her that you want lasting change otherwise you're out.

 

Stop letting her get away with short term placatement and show her how serious you are about this. If she's not also serious about fixing the issues then you're fighting a losing battle here.

[BaileyB]

"you don't know how to make love to a woman"

 

"no one can love you"

 

I've heard I'm not attractive, I don't have a good face

 

I'm not motivated

 

I'm not a good father, just yesterday I was told that I love my son more than my daughter

 

I am not a real man.

 

 

Comments? Tough love?

 

Tough love? Is any of that really true?

 

And, even if it was, that's not ok. That's not tough love, it's character assignation. It's not ok to tell someone these things.

 

I know you have kids and it's complicated, but why do you stay and why do you allow this? It's emotionally abusive and it's not ok.

Edited June 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[preraph]

Prepaph,

 

Thank you for replying.

 

About sex: in the beginning of the relationship we enjoyed a happy sex life and she was the person that wanted intimacy 3-4 times a week. It was something we both enjoyed. Over the course of the years and all the criticisms I am the one that feels distanced from her. I wish it was back to 3-4 times a week but when I see her I am on guard and this destroys the loving feelings.

 

About working with her: can you please explain this point more in depth?

 

You're just blowing off everything she is trying to tell you she is unhappy about instead of changing those things. Why would she feel sexy toward you when you're not even hearing her or respecting her in that regard?

[sadguy1975]

Well I've given you a strategy to deal with that.

 

You tell her that you want lasting change otherwise you're out.

 

Stop letting her get away with short term placatement and show her how serious you are about this. If she's not also serious about fixing the issues then you're fighting a losing battle here.

 

Thank you. This is what I will pursue.

[sadguy1975]

You're just blowing off everything she is trying to tell you she is unhappy about instead of changing those things. Why would she feel sexy toward you when you're not even hearing her or respecting her in that regard?

 

I'm listening to her. But if comments are unwarranted, how do I react?

 

For example: everyone comments on how I am as a father in a positive way. I have a really good relationship with my kids. But I hear comments that I'm a bad father from her. Maybe I did something that she didn't like, but to be called a bad father is a bit much. Just an example.

 

Thank you for commenting, by the way, Preraph. Greatly appreciate the input.

[Popsicle]

I'm intolerant of criticism from my mate as well, so I get where you're coming from, but I can tell you that if you're not ready to walk away from the relationship, you're not going to get anywhere with a critical person. It's just a habit they have.