Critical Wife. Possible divorce. iPhone addiction.

[Popsicle]

I'm listening to her. But if comments are unwarranted, how do I react?

 

 

Maybe some are unwarranted but some are not. If she is issuing unwarranted criticisms, it's making you ignore them all, including the warranted ones. This is a problem that if she wants anything to improve, she has to learn how to pick her battles and communicate and deliver in a way that is acceptable to you.

[BaileyB]

I'm listening to her. But if comments are unwarranted, how do I react?

 

For example: everyone comments on how I am as a father in a positive way. I have a really good relationship with my kids. But I hear comments that I'm a bad father from her. Maybe I did something that she didn't like, but to be called a bad father is a bit much.

 

Tell her that it's upsetting to you when she calls you a bad father. And then ask her, if there is anything specific she did not like or if there is anything specific she would like you to do differently, to let you know.

 

If she continues to call you a bad father after you have told her that you do not like it, or if she is not able to give you any specific reason for the comment or suggestions, you have a big problem. That means, she is just trying to hurt you and doesn't care if what she says is upsetting to you. That's just mean.

[LargoLagg]

I'm listening to her. But if comments are unwarranted, how do I react?

 

For example: everyone comments on how I am as a father in a positive way. I have a really good relationship with my kids. But I hear comments that I'm a bad father from her. Maybe I did something that she didn't like, but to be called a bad father is a bit much. Just an example.

 

Thank you for commenting, by the way, Preraph. Greatly appreciate the input.

You're a bad father because you beat your children is a complaint. You're a bad father is just an insult. In point of fact, calling you a bad father means nothing.

 

So far, all I've heard is insults. I think what you're dealing with is a woman who has been brought up in an emotional culture who has not been trained to deal with problems forthrightly, but rather, with loud voices. A loud, drama filled, emotional culture.

 

You are never going to change her.

[BaileyB]

You're a bad father because you beat your children is a complaint. You're a bad father is just an insult. In point of fact, calling you a bad father means nothing.

 

So far, all I've heard is insults. I think what you're dealing with is a woman who has been brought up in an emotional culture who has not been trained to deal with problems forthrightly, but rather, with loud voices. A loud, drama filled, emotional culture.

 

You are never going to change her.

 

Based on the behaviors that have been described, she sounds like a bully. She throws around these insults, and then says "Why are you upset? What's the big deal? It's not my fault if you don't have self esteem? That's your problem, not mine." It's terrible.

 

And no, I don't think that you will ever really change her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Being a SAHM to kids those ages is difficult in terms of never feeling accomplished (sometimes it seems like all you do is bend over and pick things up off the floor all. day. long.), being touched-out by the kids, and being bored and feeling disconnected from everyone (hence the iPhone addiction). Of course that's just my opinion from my own experience when I did it, but if she's feeling that way it sounds like she's taking it out on you. Not ok, but also not all that unusual for someone in her shoes to feel unhappy or overwhelmed.

[harrybrown]

Does your counselor give you any hope?

 

You can't change her, but you can do the 180 and stop letting her bully you.

 

Tell her if she does not like it, she can go home to momma, but the kids stay here.

 

good luck to you. Put a stop to the way she treats you. Send her back to home.

[bluefeather]

in the beginning it started out as "you don't know how to make love to a woman", it escalated quickly to "no one can love you".

 

"No one can love you?" Seriously?? smfh.

 

conclusion: I feel disrespected and frankly i think this is abuse.

 

Ya think?! Yes, it is.

[preraph]

I'm listening to her. But if comments are unwarranted, how do I react?

 

For example: everyone comments on how I am as a father in a positive way. I have a really good relationship with my kids. But I hear comments that I'm a bad father from her. Maybe I did something that she didn't like, but to be called a bad father is a bit much. Just an example.

 

Thank you for commenting, by the way, Preraph. Greatly appreciate the input.

 

Unwarranted by who? Your mother and father and friends who are going to support you no matter whether you're right or wrong? They're not the mother of your kids. She is. Her opinion is the one that counts. No one's mother ever thinks her adult son is less than perfect and friends are just there to support you. She's the one that counts and you're blowing her off and about to lose her. I can't tell if she's a bully or if she's just at the end of her rope with you because nicer tactics haven't worked.

[Nothingtolose]

I can't tell if she's a bully or if she's just at the end of her rope with you because nicer tactics haven't worked.

 

I've been wondering the same thing while reading this thread. OP, I believe she has said all these abusive things and don't think you're lying about them, but usually people don't get to that point out of nowhere.

 

Here's a few facts about South American women (I know because I'm one of them):

 

-We love touch. Touch is intimacy that isn't always just about sex - ie. tongue kissing that isn't initiated only during foreplay/when you're after sex, small public displays of affection in public, coming up behind her in the kitchen while she's cooking, grabbing her by the waist and kissing her neck...you get the idea. We're fiery people and like passion - we love feeling desired by our partners.

 

- We love words of expression (most of us do anyway). Hearing "I love you", "I appreciate all you do", "You look gorgeous today" etc really goes a long long way. I hear lots of my south american/brazilian friends complain that their North American/European/Australian hubby just isn't affectionate enough. Affection is A HUGE thing for us - this cannot be stressed enough. Lack of affection can make us grow extremely resentful of our partners - I'm sure you noticed that families in Brazil are extremely tight and people are constantly hugging, touching, telling each other how much they love/miss/appreciate them.

 

- South American women are extremely vocal about their dissatisfactions. If we're not happy, our partners will know it, and we'll give them plenty of chances to make it right, but when we get to the point where we're done, we're usually really truly done. My boyfriend often mentions how his ex (North American, like him) was quiet and often bottled up her emotions and he was unaware of how unhappy she truly was, until one day she just up and left him for another man, just like that. He was blindsided. He says he hates how vocal I am but also is glad that he always knows where he stands with me. I'm definitely not verbally abusive like your wife though - I make my dissatisfaction clear but could never be mean and hurtful or say things like "no one will love you" - but that's just me, and every person is different. Maybe she tried many times to ask you to do things nicely and patiently and that got her nowhere, so now she is just fed up with it all.

 

You say you're a good husband and father and that you help her out...but your idea of helping out might be very different from hers. My partner and I are currently living separately and trying to work on our issues - we had a few, but one of them was that I couldn't stand how much of a slob he was. We both worked full time, so to me the responsibilities of the home should be shared right in the middle - and though he agreed with that in theory, in execution it just never happened. I'd spend the entire night cooking and cleaning the kitchen, and then I'd ask him to take out the garbage and he'd say "I'll do it tomorrow". Everything was always 'tomorrow' and often tomorrow only came after me reminding him/nagging 2-3 times. Cooking, I probably did it 4 out of 5 times, same with washing the dishes - but because he did it once every blue moon, he would turn around and say "but I do help! sometimes I cook and do the dishes". Wellll buddy, sometimes, one out of 4 or 5 times, just isn't good enough. He left a trail of mess everywhere he walked in the house, which created more work for me. I love a clean, tidy home and he couldn't care less, so it just created a very stressful environment. I tried very hard to be nice, understanding, patient, ask in a nice way, praise whenever he did something good to encourage him to do it more often, I tried every trick in the book...nothing worked. He did not step up, and I grew more and more resentful - and that came out in the form of nagging and criticism, which pushed him away from me.

 

I'm speaking from the point of view of a childless couple, so I can only imagine your wife's frustration with 2 kids if you aren't pulling your weight. Does she work or is a stay-at-home mum? (sorry, read this thread a couple hours ago and can't remember this detail). Even if she is a stay at home mum, she's probably tired from running around after 2 kids all day, cooking and cleaning - and expects more help from you when you get home so she can relax a bit. Maybe her love language is 'Acts of Service' (look up the 5 love languages), and the fact that you aren't helping her enough and pulling your weight, isn't making her want to spend time with you - she's depressed, tired, and resorting to her phone as an escape. It doesn't sound like she's having an affair - it seems she's just venting to her mum and sister daily, probably about how frustrated she is in the marriage.

 

I know how frustrated you are with her being so critical, it isn't easy to be criticised constantly. But I brought up the points above to help you take a good look at your marriage, how you've been as a partner/husband/lover/father for the past few years. If you recognized that you've been somewhat lacking in those areas, there may be a chance the relationship can be saved and that your wife can regain respect/admiration/love for you again, but you might need to swallow your pride and take the first step.

Edited June 6, 2017 by Nothingtolose

[Echo74]

I was wondering the same thing as "Nothingtolose".

 

My own marriage had been rocky for quite a while. When he left, I was absolutely stunned as I never thought he would leave after 20 years of marriage. So "Nothingtolose" could have a point. Have you really communicated with your wife about what could be bothering her in a non-combative, matter of fact fashion? Sure she could simply be a mean person, but then you did marry her so there must have been something good you saw in her.

 

I'd say at least try to sit with her when she is in a good mood. Take her hand and give her a long hug, tell her that you want to save the marriage and discuss what's really bothering her. If she simply doesn't love you then so be it. But it's worth a try.

[sadguy1975]

Here's a few facts about South American women (I know because I'm one of them):

 

-We love touch

 

- I hear lots of my south american/brazilian friends complain that their North American/European/Australian hubby just isn't affectionate enough. I'm sure you noticed that families in Brazil are extremely tight and people are constantly hugging, touching, telling each other how much they love/miss/appreciate them.

 

- South American women are extremely vocal about their dissatisfactions. Maybe she tried many times to ask you to do things nicely and patiently and that got her nowhere, so now she is just fed up with it all.

 

You say you're a good husband and father and that you help her out...but your idea of helping out might be very different from hers. I tried every trick in the book...nothing worked. He did not step up, and I grew more and more resentful - and that came out in the form of nagging and criticism, which pushed him away from me.

 

Does she work or is a stay-at-home mum? Maybe her love language is 'Acts of Service' (look up the 5 love languages), and the fact that you aren't helping her enough and pulling your weight, isn't making her want to spend time with you - she's depressed, tired, and resorting to her phone as an escape. It doesn't sound like she's having an affair - it seems she's just venting to her mum and sister daily, probably about how frustrated she is in the marriage.

 

I know how frustrated you are with her being so critical, it isn't easy to be criticised constantly. But I brought up the points above to help you take a good look at your marriage.

 

Nothingtolose,

 

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long and dedicated post, I'm very grateful! I'm at work but I feel the need to reply.

 

I've shortened down the quotes above a little to the points that resonated with me right now. Maybe rereading your post later I will find others points that will resonate with me as well.

 

About "touch" and "5 languages of love", I did that quiz and that is my main language of love! And like you said, it's not about sex, contrary to what it may seem like since I was the one that first mentioned it. The relationship I have with my children is physical. I am the one in the family that is always hugging my kids, wrestling or kissing them. My son, 4 years old, shows affectionate behaviour too and he really enjoys it. That's how I grew up with my mum (very affectionate) and my dad (we talked a lot and wrestled too).

 

I really long to be more affectionate with my wife because that is how I primarily express my love but it is really hard because I feel I need to defend myself against her. That kills the affection I have. She is a somewhat affectionate person but judging from her actions and her family's interatctions they are very relational people and I've never seen them hug or kiss. It is hard to judge, I know, but that is just my impression.

 

- I work 40 hours and she is a SAHM right now. I think I understand that it is very boring and tiring and that the iphone is her escape. I try to do as much as I can to help her. I always do things she wants immediately (because I am afraid of her comments) and I'm pretty proactive about it, too. But I will take a look at myself and maybe there is something more I can do. The cellar needs cleaning maybe I can start on that...

 

Maybe I am the True Latin side of the family?! I'm more emotional and cuddly and she is more the rational side. I actually like that about her. But the down side is her anxious side and I think her dumping the problems onto me is her defense system for dealing with her problems.

 

I sincerely hope you work out your difference with your loved one! Relationships are often a Labour of Love and it really is hard work. We like to think it comes naturally but we need to work on it. You seem to reflect on your behaviours and are willing to work things out. I'm sure you'll get there.

 

UPDATE: She wrote me a text-msg again and said she hates that I'm moody in the mornings. That I am moody when I'm sick. And that I don't forgive her truly for the things she says and that I bring them up when I'm hurt by new insults or hurtful comments.

 

This is all true. To my defense though, I'm moody in the morning when I get up and I hear a "Why is the floor so dirty??!" instead of a "Good Morning!". Or when I see her screaming at my son again because he's not behaving. Or when I see the kids in front of the TV at 6:00am and she's on the iphone again. I get upset when I'm the one cleaning the shower for her or putting her plates in the dishwasher and I'm scolded for it.

[sadguy1975]

So "Nothingtolose" could have a point. Have you really communicated with your wife about what could be bothering her in a non-combative, matter of fact fashion? Sure she could simply be a mean person, but then you did marry her so there must have been something good you saw in her.

 

I'd say at least try to sit with her when she is in a good mood. Take her hand and give her a long hug, tell her that you want to save the marriage and discuss what's really bothering her. If she simply doesn't love you then so be it. But it's worth a try.

 

I've tried it somewhat but I always fall into the same trap when I speak with her. I'd say something like "Hey, I feel a little hurt by something that was said yesterday". But I'd get cut off and she'd turn it around. It's hard to get a word in after that. I'd eventually raise my voice and at that point it is too late....

 

I will try again nonetheless, maybe try again until she tells me to go take a hike

[Mumbles]

This is all true. To my defense though, I'm moody in the morning when I get up and I hear a "Why is the floor so dirty??!" instead of a "Good Morning!". Or when I see her screaming at my son again because he's not behaving. Or when I see the kids in front of the TV at 6:00am and she's on the iphone again. I get upset when I'm the one cleaning the shower for her or putting her plates in the dishwasher and I'm scolded for it.

 

Depression mate. Or possibly even an adult onset personality disorder????? We here would mostly be guessing - Good lord, I know how difficult it would be to get an unwilling spouse to go to therapy ... but it seems more and more like the only logical path forwards.

 

Are you going to a therapist yourself? I can't remember sorry, you might have mentioned it. Is so, are you getting anything useful back?

[sadguy1975]

You're a bad father because you beat your children is a complaint. You're a bad father is just an insult. In point of fact, calling you a bad father means nothing.

 

^^This really resonated with me. "means nothing". I need to think about this a little bit because I'm generally not vulnerable to other people's comments but my loved ones are close to my heart. Maybe I need to think about what is said more than who said it.

[Nothingtolose]

Thanks for replying! It's a shame she's not willing to go to marriage counselling with you - my partner and I went and it really helped for a while (though in the long run he reversed back to his old behaviours).

 

You should show her this article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

 

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are typically the 4 behaviours that will kill a marriage. The counsellor went over these with the 2 of us - as I'm prone to criticism, and my partner is prone to the other 3, as a response to my criticism. It really is a vicious cycle when you're stuck in that dynamic and the 2 people have to work really hard to break the pattern.

[preraph]

Sounds like by your last post that she is complaining because you are not helping with the chores and she is overwhelmed. I hope you didn't think she was going to do everything on her own for YOUR kids.