UGH. I hate dating ...

[DontBreakEven]

So, after many issues with dating women outside my city, I finally decided to cap 100 mile radius on my dating (I long-distance date because I am a lesbian and there just isn't a giant pool to pick from and I know most all the women in my town, etc).

 

Well, the next week my dream girl messages me on OLD. Just my type, to a T. She lives 1600 miles away. But, oddly enough, she lives in a city that I've been thinking about moving to.

 

So anyway, I decide to talk to her.

 

The point here is that, she can't meet me until mid-July due to extenuating circumstances. Okay. I'm fine with that. But, she is very hot and cold in the meantime. Some days she talks to me a lot, sometimes I go days without hearing from her (or getting minimal response from her). She has divulged a few things to me:

 

1. She hates the phone. She has a small pool of people that she talks to via the phone and even then, they only really talk about things that "need talking about". Basically she said the amount of time we talked on the phone in one week was more than she'd talked to anyone this entire past year

 

2. She "refuses to get overly invested" in someone that she has not met. She says she's been there, done that, and it was very un-wise. All right. I told her that's fine don't get overly invested in me, but at least give me SOMETHING to go with. She said, "I think I do, don't I?". Well, maybe I'm just weird but when I'm starting talking to someone, I wanna hear from them everyday

 

3. She's going through a lot of health problems right now. Nothing super serious, but she doesn't feel well a lot

 

4. She also told me like right away that she can't really reasonably be hopping on a plane every 2 weeks right now for a distance thing, due to already eating up time off from her job. I was like okayyyyy then are you saying you wanna stop talking? She said no! That she was just letting me know that she won't be able to be a flexible as she would like to be

 

Anyway, last week we Skyped, and I think it went well. But yet again, I honestly have no idea. We've barely talked since (which is really nothing new with her ... it's almost like anytime we talk on the phone A LOT one night, she needs like days to decompress from it or something).

 

It's frustrating the hell outta me. Basically she has said that she is weaning the chatting because she would need to meet me first in person before she would know if there was chemistry, and again, she doesn't want to over-invest in a fantasy. I mean, for me, pictures, videos and talk would let me know if anything was there. For her, apparently not. She still claims that she cannot possibly know if it would be there or not. Strange.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want this to die. I like her, and I want to meet her in July. But I cannot be the one putting forth all the effort. And even when she does put forth the effort, it's great, but I feel like it's on her terms, ya know? Like she can minimal response me when I wanna talk, but then when she feels like saying hello, we can talk. It's getting annoying, and I don't know if I can do this for another 6 weeks. 2 weeks of it has already been exhausting.

 

Do I just let it go, and see if she comes to me? I decided after yesterday that I'm not contacting her again until she says something to me first. She will initiate things here and there, so I know she can do it. But like, I've been the initiator the past 2 days after the Skype call, and I'm over it. In fact I think it's mean. Give me an idea how the call went! I could sit here and think her lack of communication after the fact means she wasn't into it, but this is not new behavior from her at all, so it's extremely confusing.

 

Oh. She's also divulged that she gets that ALL the time ... "extremely confusing". This is probably more trouble than it's worth I'm sure. I guess I just wonder if it's due to her not knowing me. I wonder if she would be different if we actually met and were intimate.

[kendahke]

This sounds like who she is, period. If she saying she "gets that all the time", then she knows that she's doing this and she's not going to change her tack.

 

She sits back and lets everyone else do the heavy lifting while she points and directs where she wants things to be put down.

 

I'd let it go. She does not have sufficient interest and you're worth someone recognizing what a good person you are and acting like it. Don't discount yourself--or let anyone else attempt to discount you-- just to have someone who won't recognize your worth.

 

I direct you to my signature line

 

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[Zahara]

She's 1600 miles away. You need to be realistic about this. You're already having to deal with this much ambivalence.

 

I understand dating is hard but trying to push a square peg through a round hole is futile. She sounds incredibly rigid and controlling.

[DontBreakEven]

I looked at your signature line, and it sucks because is she treating me this way because that's how she feels about me? Or is that just how she friggin is?

 

I'm gonna go with the latter.

 

This is futile. I felt that way from probably day 3. It just sucks. SHE messaged ME. Like wtf. People are so impossible. Why bother messaging someone and getting their number and then just being wishy washy?

[Zahara]

Why bother messaging someone and getting their number and then just being wishy washy?

 

Attention. Ego boost. Boredom.

 

If you truly want to find a partner, date closer and don't settle.

[DontBreakEven]

I wish dating closer were that simple. The gay community is extremely small. Everyone knows everyone. It's incestuous. I've dated everyone I want to in my city. Only thing to hope for is someone to move here, and I don't exactly live in a city that people are flocking to in droves. This is why someone 1600 miles away messaged me in the first place. It's totally not unheard of with lesbians. Just not enough to pick from.

[Zahara]

I wish dating closer were that simple. The gay community is extremely small. Everyone knows everyone. It's incestuous. I've dated everyone I want to in my city. Only thing to hope for is someone to move here, and I don't exactly live in a city that people are flocking to in droves. This is why someone 1600 miles away messaged me in the first place. It's totally not unheard of with lesbians. Just not enough to pick from.

 

I've been on dating sites. Hurt many times. Stayed single for quite a few years because it was slim pickings. I'm straight. Sometimes being alone is better than pursuing something that may inflict pain just because you're desperate to find someone. Don't settle because someone comes along and only checks a few boxes on your list. Don't overlook the signs because you're trying to force it to work. When it's right, it'll be effortless.

[DontBreakEven]

very good point Zahara. You are correct. It just sucks. I've been single for a year, continue to date and put myself out there so that i CAN find that person, and I just keep running into the same f*cking sh*t. I'm so sick of it. I thought maybe this would be different since this was the first time i responded to someone who messaged ME (usually it's me going to them first). Thought maybe that would mean their level of interest would be higher. Guess not. Extremely annoying and frustrating. I know that if a door does not open, then it's not your door. But it's getting to the point where it's like ... do I even have a door?

[Zahara]

very good point Zahara. You are correct. It just sucks. I've been single for a year, continue to date and put myself out there so that i CAN find that person, and I just keep running into the same f*cking sh*t. I'm so sick of it. I thought maybe this would be different since this was the first time i responded to someone who messaged ME (usually it's me going to them first). Thought maybe that would mean their level of interest would be higher. Guess not. Extremely annoying and frustrating. I know that if a door does not open, then it's not your door. But it's getting to the point where it's like ... do I even have a door?

 

I know how you feel. I stayed single for those many years because I was also tired and exhausted with dating and bad relationships. I decided to step away from it and for those years just spent it doing my own thing. I was happy being alone. When I did miss that companionship, it was fleeting because I was content with my life. And that's the first step. A few months ago I joined OLD. I went in with -- if I meet someone great, and if I don't, then that's fine too. A partner should be a bonus on an already fulfilled life.

 

My boundaries were intact and I wasn't going into it with this dire need to meet someone. I never had any expectations. And it happened. When he did walk into my life a few months ago, I realized that when it's meant to be, it's going to be effortless. It's been easy and it's so natural. The times when I was stressed, anxious and desperate were the times I picked the wrong guys and stayed in bad relationships.

 

Go into dating with zero expectations. Have fun with it rather than shoulder this incredible weight of needing someone. This way, when people like this come along, you'd have no issues letting them go because you know what you WANT and what you deserve. You won't settle.

[DontBreakEven]

So I agree with this Zahara.

 

What does bother me though, is that's like this girl I was talking to's exact philosophy. She's given up on the bullsh*t and she's content with her life and if she falls into something amazing, great, and if not, she's happy with where she's at, and she said she's only going to sacrifice her contentness with her life right now for the ONE.

 

Funny thing is ...

 

How in the hell is she finding the ONE when she acts like this? I mean I guess I should just take it as I'm not the one, clearly, but good lord. She didn't even give me a chance. It was like this from the first day ...

 

Frustrating. As when she said all that, I felt like I had finally found someone who wasn't going to be drama or bullsh*t. Instead she just feels like an avoidant flake who could give 2 sh*ts if I'm a fantastic catch or not. She didn't even try ...

[Zahara]

So I agree with this Zahara.

 

What does bother me though, is that's like this girl I was talking to's exact philosophy. She's given up on the bullsh*t and she's content with her life and if she falls into something amazing, great, and if not, she's happy with where she's at, and she said she's only going to sacrifice her contentness with her life right now for the ONE.

 

Funny thing is ...

 

How in the hell is she finding the ONE when she acts like this? I mean I guess I should just take it as I'm not the one, clearly, but good lord. She didn't even give me a chance. It was like this from the first day ...

 

Frustrating. As when she said all that, I felt like I had finally found someone who wasn't going to be drama or bullsh*t. Instead she just feels like an avoidant flake who could give 2 sh*ts if I'm a fantastic catch or not. She didn't even try ...

 

It's perfectly fine to go into dating with that kind of mindset but there has to be some level of vulnerability as well. You can't be receptive to another if you are closed off. She seems rigid and controlling and maybe that comes from fear. She builds walls. But who knows. Or she may just not be interested but only enough to enjoy the attention she gets while she's out there seeking for potential.

 

But along with the distance and her ambivalence, it would be best to step away.

[DontBreakEven]

You are right. She is rigid. She said she's stuck in her ways, and that's she's got very high walls and is hard to get to know and that "there's probably a reason why she's single".

 

You're right. There was virtually no vulnerability. And I discussed this with her. I may be on one end of the spectrum where I give too much right away, but she's on the complete opposite end. She said that if she's being honest she has halfway tapped out at this point, to which I told her that's fine, but I haven't, and that the person for me will have not either.

 

I'm stepping away. I tried. I really did. And I was super impressive these past couple weeks. Definitely was on top of my game in every aspect. Was willing to meet her (she lives in a city I have been eyeing moving to, so it wasn't totally far-fetched, and I was being quite cool, even when I could tell the times that she needed space). This is totally her loss.

[Zahara]

Yes, move on from her. This was never going to work. Too much going against you in such a short period of time.

[bluefeather]

...my dream girl messages me on OLD. Just my type, to a T...

 

But, she is very hot and cold in the meantime. Some days she talks to me a lot, sometimes I go days without hearing from her (or getting minimal response from her).

 

There, I just showed you a flaw in your partner filter.

 

To your point #2. You are being too needy and expect too much from someone you've never met.

 

I mean, for me, pictures, videos and talk would let me know if anything was there. For her, apparently not. She still claims that she cannot possibly know if it would be there or not. Strange.

 

You don't know someone until you are actually with them. She's right. It's not strange.

 

I just wonder if it's due to her not knowing me. I wonder if she would be different if we actually met and were intimate.

 

Duh. But that's not happening because you're... 1600 miles away.

[DontBreakEven]

There, I just showed you a flaw in your partner filter.

 

To your point #2. You are being too needy and expect too much from someone you've never met.

 

 

 

You don't know someone until you are actually with them. She's right. It's not strange.

 

 

 

Duh. But that's not happening because you're... 1600 miles away.

 

 

Riiiiiight, all of which she would have known when she decided to LOOK 1600 miles away on a dating site, and then message me with her number ....

 

So the fact that ANY of that would be an issue for her is strange in itself. I'd understand if it had been me who looked for and messaged her ....

 

She's also dated a girl in 2 other countries, as well as another far off state before, this exact same way. This isn't her first rodeo with this. She claims the last one went so bad that's it's affected her level of caution when doing this again ...

 

Okay, well I did everything to assuage her fears there. Didn't seem to matter.

 

Trust me. I'm not the strange one in this situation. I was just going with the damn flow.

[neowulf]

She's also dated a girl in 2 other countries, as well as another far off state before, this exact same way. This isn't her first rodeo with this. She claims the last one went so bad that's it's affected her level of caution when doing this again ...

 

Okay, well I did everything to assuage her fears there. Didn't seem to matter.

 

Trust me. I'm not the strange one in this situation. I was just going with the damn flow.

 

Well then, it's pretty clear she just wasn't into you. It happens. It doesn't have to be your fault or hers.

 

I'm with earlier posters on this. I understand it's hard, being lonely. I live alone myself. Yet in the end, dating is just a series of random meetings with random people.

 

I have zero expectations of my dates and that they'll go anywhere. Yeah, dating is hard work, but it becomes easier if you just treat it like a job. There are days you'll hate your job, but you want the bills paid and food on the table? You do the job.

 

Proximity is one of *the* key aspects of attraction and couples getting together. If you're not in proximity, you're going to struggle to build something read. Hence why long distance is usually a wash.

 

Not sure what city you live in, but perhaps if you really feel you've exhausted your options, then it really is time to pack up and try someplace else.

[bluefeather]

Well I'm not saying she doesn't have issues of her own. She probably does. What I'm saying is you might have turned her off. It happens. And it's really easy to do so over long distance communication.

 

Trust me. I'm not the strange one in this situation. I was just going with the damn flow.

 

I can't trust you, as we've never met. jk. Good luck out there.

[kendahke]

I looked at your signature line, and it sucks because is she treating me this way because that's how she feels about me? Or is that just how she friggin is?

 

I'm gonna go with the latter.

 

This is futile. I felt that way from probably day 3. It just sucks. SHE messaged ME. Like wtf. People are so impossible. Why bother messaging someone and getting their number and then just being wishy washy?

 

She might be one of the narcissistic type of people who gets away with treating people the way she does because she can.

 

80 miles was enough for me to rethink the wisdom in trying to make that work. You can't have a relationship over skype/phone/texts. You have to have consistent face to face interaction or else frustration takes over.

[DontBreakEven]

Not sure what city you live in, but perhaps if you really feel you've exhausted your options, then it really is time to pack up and try someplace else.

 

I'm probably going to eventually do this. I just need to transplant my career is all ...

[DontBreakEven]

Well I'm not saying she doesn't have issues of her own. She probably does. What I'm saying is you might have turned her off. It happens. And it's really easy to do so over long distance communication.

 

 

 

I can't trust you, as we've never met. jk. Good luck out there.

 

Ha. Whole thing is annoying because I told her that I'd meet her next month. I have a friend who lives in her city that I can visit anytime. But whatever. Obviously I did turn her off, and honestly, if anything I did within the past two weeks turned her off, then this chick is not the girl for me. Personality dryer than the damn Sahara.

[bluefeather]

Personality dryer than the damn Sahara.

 

You went from calling her your dream girl, to that. Think about it.

[DontBreakEven]

You went from calling her your dream girl, to that. Think about it.

 

I think I said that physically, she is my dream girl. If I didn't, that's what I meant. That and she is actually my age and lives in a city that I want to live in.

 

At first chat I thought maybe she had a great personality too. But, it was also very confusing as well. We were being sarcastic and flirty with each other, and she thought we were fighting. I don't know. This entire thing has been weird. There have been super cute moments and super confusing moments.

 

We haven't spoken in 2 days. I'm done. Blocking myself from contacting her, because I have made all the effort for about a week now. I guess after all this confusing ridiculousness, I'm getting ghosted

[Mumbles]

I think I said that physically, she is my dream girl. If I didn't, that's what I meant. That and she is actually my age and lives in a city that I want to live in.

 

At first chat I thought maybe she had a great personality too. But, it was also very confusing as well. We were being sarcastic and flirty with each other, and she thought we were fighting. I don't know. This entire thing has been weird. There have been super cute moments and super confusing moments.

 

We haven't spoken in 2 days. I'm done. Blocking myself from contacting her, because I have made all the effort for about a week now. I guess after all this confusing ridiculousness, I'm getting ghosted

 

My first thought, almost at the beginning of the thread is that you are a vocaliser ... and she doesn't sound like she is. Thats just a personality trait in my view.

 

I used to have a girlfriend years ago (I'm a man) who just never stopped talking, about everything and anything. It was fine. I'm introspective and have things to say, and if we get philosophical I won't shut up, but, normally, I'm on the quieter side of normal. I thought we were ok, she talked, I listened and commented, but it was sort of an 80/20% thing.

 

I was wrong though, she got extremely frustrated with me. After weekend sessions of this non stop verbiage I'd need most of the week to decompress, little comms, and it drove her bonkers.

 

Ultimately we lacked what it took to stay together. She really _needed_ that constant comms from her partner. I'm not quiet, a look at my posts here on LS will tell you ... I'm a rambler But sometimes we need someone much closer to our own style ... this may be the case with you two?

[DontBreakEven]

My first thought, almost at the beginning of the thread is that you are a vocaliser ... and she doesn't sound like she is. Thats just a personality trait in my view.

 

I used to have a girlfriend years ago (I'm a man) who just never stopped talking, about everything and anything. It was fine. I'm introspective and have things to say, and if we get philosophical I won't shut up, but, normally, I'm on the quieter side of normal. I thought we were ok, she talked, I listened and commented, but it was sort of an 80/20% thing.

 

I was wrong though, she got extremely frustrated with me. After weekend sessions of this non stop verbiage I'd need most of the week to decompress, little comms, and it drove her bonkers.

 

Ultimately we lacked what it took to stay together. She really _needed_ that constant comms from her partner. I'm not quiet, a look at my posts here on LS will tell you ... I'm a rambler But sometimes we need someone much closer to our own style ... this may be the case with you two?

 

I liked your response even before I read the whole thing.

 

Yes. YES. She and I actually even discussed this. I told her that I talk to my friends all day everyday. She said she's quite the opposite. That she hates the phone, only talks to a small group of friends on it, and that when she does, they are quick and to the point. She said that she is more of a listener, and that the time we had spent on the phone the first week was more than she's talked to anyone on the phone in a year.

 

So, after she told me all that (while on the phone, mind you lol ... because I called her after my frustration of her lack of text that day), I told her okay, I will let you go to decompress. I told her that I could already tell that after lengthy convos with me, she seems to need downtime. She said thank you, got off the phone, and I didn't hear from her all weekend. I finally texted her that Monday and things were fine (here I thought we were done).

 

But here I am AGAIN, thinking we are done, because we had a 3 hour Skype session on Thursday, and then just total minimal response from her the next 2 days when I would text. So, I just stopped. We didn't talk Sunday and have no spoken today. There has been no talk of anything going wrong, but in my opinion, the timing is terrible. She's done this before, yes, but we Skyped for the first time. Like ... please don't make me think that went horrible because now it seems like you don't wanna talk to me.

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Your assessment is dead on, but like, if that's just what's going on ... what do I do? Just wait for her to come to me?

 

(She has been driving me bonkers, btw ... I'm trying to just deal with it but it's making me feel unwanted, and confused)

[Mumbles]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Your assessment is dead on, but like, if that's just what's going on ... what do I do? Just wait for her to come to me?

 

(She has been driving me bonkers, btw ... I'm trying to just deal with it but it's making me feel unwanted, and confused)

 

Perhaps you can gain something from reading about the "5 love languages"?

 

Heres a random link from the net, but there is a lot of resource out there and a book as well:

 

https://verilymag.com/2013/04/dr-gary-chapman-explains-the-5-love-languages

 

I'm a touch myself. Though I am highly sexual, its not about that for me - its about presence and accessibility.

 

Don't get discouraged if the link above seems too superficial - get the book, its a broad theory and has some good stuff in it even if you aren't inclined to agree 100%.

 

Broadly, my take is that learning the love language of your partner, or potential partner, can help you to make appropriate gestures that perhaps you normally wouldn't because those gestures, destined for your partner, are not your own natural 'language'. Likewise, your partner can choose to learn something about your own language and responses and do the same for you.

 

Its usually small things, but can make a world of difference.