Grey40 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Don't bother with LTR. Move to the city you want to be in first, get yourself in order and then worrying about meeting people. I couldn't imagine talking to someone I like and having to wait months to meet them in person. Sounds extremely torturous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 Don't bother with LTR. Move to the city you want to be in first, get yourself in order and then worrying about meeting people. I couldn't imagine talking to someone I like and having to wait months to meet them in person. Sounds extremely torturous. Torturous, yes. But my lord it was HER who messaged me from 1600 miles away. HER who can't meet until mid July. I just responded to a damn message. Whatever. Going on day 3 of no talk so we are just going to assume this is dead. Though I would have been patient and gone to meet her when it was possible. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 You're all over the place. First she's your dream girl. Then you insult her personality. Then you say she was only your dream girl in "looks" and are "blocking yourself from contacting her," (whatever that means), then you are back to wondering why she won't talk to you and how you would travel 1600 miles to see her. All this and you said I'm not the strange one in this situation. I was just going with the damn flow. What flow was that? Damn flow of a monsoon. Link to post Share on other sites
Grey40 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Torturous, yes. But my lord it was HER who messaged me from 1600 miles away. HER who can't meet until mid July. I just responded to a damn message. Whatever. Going on day 3 of no talk so we are just going to assume this is dead. Though I would have been patient and gone to meet her when it was possible. Next time when someone's profile says they are 1000+ miles away don't respond. It's very simple. Even if you did end up meeting, she could meet someone else closer before that even happens. That initial attraction and spark would be al but gone by the time you do actually meet. Life is too short to waste time trying to date people you can't actually be with in person. And you shouldn't just move somewhere simply because your dream girl lives there. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you'll be far happier if you focus on normal relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 You're all over the place. First she's your dream girl. Then you insult her personality. Then you say she was only your dream girl in "looks" and are "blocking yourself from contacting her," (whatever that means), then you are back to wondering why she won't talk to you and how you would travel 1600 miles to see her. All this and you said What flow was that? Damn flow of a monsoon. Hmmm ... for clarification, again, when she messaged me and I looked at her profile, she was my dream girl. In looks. In what she said in her profile. In our initial text conversation. Obviously dream girl won't necessarily pan out into reality, and most people won't end up with their "dream" people anyway. That's why it's called a dream. I'm insulting her personality because her level of communication sucks. And when we do talk, sometimes she is fun, sometimes she is extremely boring and bleh. Blocking myself from contacting her means that I'm not going to contact her again. I'm keeping myself from what I want to do, which is to ask her if this is done. I'm not gonna do it. What's the point? Yes, I will always wonder why she just stopped talking to me. I was/am going with the flow. I don't expect someone to be perfect. I take people for what they are. I liked her, even though she had flaws, and yes, I wanted to meet her in person, as we had discussed it. Obviously she needs ME to be perfect in order to keep this going. Well, I'm not, and I guess that was enough for her to just stop contacting me. It hurts. I was talking to her steadily for weeks and now it's over. It's sad. I was hoping that she'd be someone good. I think we can all understand that feeling. I would never move just to be with someone, but I am at a point where I am spinning my wheels in my town, at my job, and before she contacted me I was already thinking of relocating once I find a good job. But the thought also scared me. It made me excited to think that I could meet someone amazing (finally) in a town that I've been eyeing moving to. I wouldn't move FOR her, I'd move FOR me, but it would be much easier if I had some support in a town I was moving to. Does that make sense? I'm sad. I endured some hot and cold with someone who originally pursued ME, but slowly just kept going with it, and then we Skyped and now I've been essentially ghosted (she responded to me the next two days, but no initiation from her and nothing from either side now for 3 days ... it's over ... duh). And that hurts. Like, obviously makes me feel like I wasn't good enough. I was my adorable self during the Skype call and obviously she didn't like it. (I was also my adorable self during some phone calls prior to that and she also picked those apart pretty harshly, like to the point that she ended up apologizing to me for being a d*ck and said "I'm sorry. I forget that people have feelings.") So yea, eff it. Red flags everywhere anyway. Just sucks that I'm the one who feels rejected here. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 I think you wave a red flag of your own as well, and that is attachment. But you two were not right for eachother anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 I think you wave a red flag of your own as well, and that is attachment. But you two were not right for eachother anyway. Sure, I definitely attach. When I am met with a very avoidant person, I anxiously attach. If the person acts normal and secure, and not hot and cold, I'm pretty much fine. Not certain why attachment is a flag, however. Someone starts talking to you, and you flirt and talk to them every day and have a great time with that, and set up a time to meet. OMG call the stage 5 clinger patrol ... *rolls eyes* Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Indeed cya Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 Indeed cya lol im gonna guess that you're meeting my sarcasm with seriousness. We can agree to disagree. If someone considers normal courting/dating procedures as "stage 5 clinginess", they will probably be alone for quite some time. I know my wants/needs, and I like to talk to the person I'm interested in at least once every day (assuming there is nothing else pressing that won't allow for that). I've found plenty of people who have no problem with this. Obviously I just finally found someone who does Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Well, Back when I was talking to the girl mentioned in the thread, my job started taking a turn for the worse and I liked the thought of moving to the area the girl lived (should we have started something), so I started putting feelers out for jobs there. Anyway, I got one. My dream job actually, and I'm moving cross-country next week. The girl who lives down there knows this, and she's been pretty cool and said that we should hang out. But, she's also still just as distant as ever, so I'm totally unsure what to think of that. Not sure how I should approach it now that I'm gonna be in her vicinity. Just let her come to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Not sure what city you live in, but perhaps if you really feel you've exhausted your options, then it really is time to pack up and try someplace else. Took your advice. Heading out this weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Well, Back when I was talking to the girl mentioned in the thread, my job started taking a turn for the worse and I liked the thought of moving to the area the girl lived (should we have started something), so I started putting feelers out for jobs there. Anyway, I got one. My dream job actually, and I'm moving cross-country next week. The girl who lives down there knows this, and she's been pretty cool and said that we should hang out. But, she's also still just as distant as ever, so I'm totally unsure what to think of that. Not sure how I should approach it now that I'm gonna be in her vicinity. Just let her come to me? Initially, one of her issues was the distance and when you noted if you both should stop talking, she didn't want to -- yet knowing you're going to be closer, she's still sounding ambivalent. You can meet up with her and yes, let her come to you. But if I were you, I'd go in with very low expectations but really strong boundaries. Tread carefully. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Plus, you are heading to a new town -- go out and meet new people. Don't make her your center. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Plus, you are heading to a new town -- go out and meet new people. Don't make her your center. You are very right. I'm not. I'd be lying if I said she wasn't in the back of my mind because this is all still a big unknown. But yeah you're right. Her ambivalence is still there, knowing I'm coming. Not a good sign. She's been really nice, but still no level of excitment (I'm starting to wonder if she even gets excited about things). And so much more out there for me to look into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 You can meet up with her and yes, let her come to you. But if I were you, I'd go in with very low expectations but really strong boundaries. Tread carefully. This is kinda what scares me. I'm unsure if I know how to tread carefully when I want something. And I'm actually scared to get hurt right when moving to a new city. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) This is kinda what scares me. I'm unsure if I know how to tread carefully when I want something. And I'm actually scared to get hurt right when moving to a new city. Maybe that is something you need to work on. Wanting something is fine and knowing when to step away is one thing but wanting something even when you know it is bad for you is another. That's where you need to have healthy boundaries. If an online connection (not even a good one) has you twisted in knots, personally, I'd advise you to cut this off and move on. It's not worth the risk, especially when you seem to latch quickly and that you've already established an insecure attachment to her. Edited July 10, 2017 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Maybe that is something you need to work on. Wanting something is fine and knowing when to step away is one thing but wanting something even when you know it is bad for you is another. That's where you need to have healthy boundaries. If an online connection (not even a good one) has you twisted in knots, personally, I'd advise you to cut this off and move on. It's not worth the risk, especially when you already have an insecure attachment to her. Good point. And I appreciate you not judging me on this. I do have an insecure attachment to her, and she's perpetuated it. I feel like it's hard for me to completely pinpoint yet if she is bad for me since I have not met her. But obviously what has transpired up until now has pretty much sucked. I guess I feel a little good in the fact that I've contacted her plenty, and she knows when I'm moving, so if she does want to hang out or whatever, she can easily come to me. I feel a little lighter knowing that I don't need to contact her again first and that the ball really is in her court. But yea, even if she does and we hang out, I need to work on getting attached so easily. I have to be cautious with her due to what she's shown me. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) Good point. And I appreciate you not judging me on this. I do have an insecure attachment to her, and she's perpetuated it. Yes, you chase, she runs. You retreat, she pulls you back. I feel like it's hard for me to completely pinpoint yet if she is bad for me since I have not met her. But obviously what has transpired up until now has pretty much sucked. And this is why you can meet her and decide if it's right for you but seeing that you're already attached to her, it would not bode well for you if more of this hot and cold were to go on. You have to figure out your limitations and decide if this is truly worth it. Who knows, you may even meet her and decide she's not for you. An online connection is often not the same as when you meet face to face. I guess I feel a little good in the fact that I've contacted her plenty, and she knows when I'm moving, so if she does want to hang out or whatever, she can easily come to me. I feel a little lighter knowing that I don't need to contact her again first and that the ball really is in her court. Even with that, you need to have healthy boundaries. I am sure she will reach out. Her pattern dictates it. But yea, even if she does and we hang out, I need to work on getting attached so easily. I have to be cautious with her due to what she's shown me. You can't work on those ingrained issues while indulging in what triggers them. Edited July 10, 2017 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 When I read your first post, my immediate thought was oh she sounds like me because I am also an introvert ... 1. hate the phone, I have a small pool of people that i talk to, my golden circle. 2. I also "refuse to get overly invested" anyone that I have not met. I am an empath and intuitive, I simply cannot 'know' someone without being in their physical presence. I also dont need others in the way that I think extroverts do. I do the texting keeping in touch etc because they want it, not for me. Chill out, be cool, dont be someone she has to look after. The fates have led you to her, be a rock, not a problem. You havent even met, way too much over thinking going on IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 Chill out, be cool, dont be someone she has to look after. The fates have led you to her, be a rock, not a problem. Trying trying trying. Luckily for me I have a lot on my mind right now, such as my giant move and the start of a new job. You havent even met, way too much over thinking going on IMHO. True. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 I do the texting keeping in touch etc because they want it, not for me. It bothers me though, because while she initially responds and doesn't ignore me, she doesn't really carry on much of a convo. Idk. Maybe it's just how she is and I shouldn't think so much into it. And if that's how she is, then yea, holding any sort of distance thing would've never worked. It's just weird to me that now that she knows I'm moving there she isn't a little more communicative Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 If she is like me, once you have met and connected and have a physical relationship she will feel more invested in keeping the connection alive and the 'virtual' comms should increase in frequency and depth. But you're not there yet. And right now its just about keeping in touch in order to eventually meet. Treat her like a new friend at this point with no pressure. Because even if it doesn't work out between you to, she could be a great way to meet others and become a real friend in the end no matter what. You're moving to a new city, you'll need to meet new people, discover the place etc Lots to talk about there. Relax, enjoy, lots of exciting new things and people on the way 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DontBreakEven Posted July 11, 2017 Author Share Posted July 11, 2017 If she is like me, once you have met and connected and have a physical relationship she will feel more invested in keeping the connection alive and the 'virtual' comms should increase in frequency and depth. But you're not there yet. And right now its just about keeping in touch in order to eventually meet. Treat her like a new friend at this point with no pressure. Because even if it doesn't work out between you to, she could be a great way to meet others and become a real friend in the end no matter what. You're moving to a new city, you'll need to meet new people, discover the place etc Lots to talk about there. Relax, enjoy, lots of exciting new things and people on the way Thank you for you input! I do agree with all of this. I just don't know if I should even bother messaging her again at this point. She knows when I'm moving, and that I'll be there next week. I feel like I want her to reach out to me for once if she really does want to hang out. I hate feeling like a pest Link to post Share on other sites
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