Feeling lonely with Parenting & Relationship

[BettyDraper]

1. Tell your husband that you need to buy a minivan, an SUV or a pick up truck with a king cab. My husband and I are childfree and we don't even have a two seater. Two seaters are impractical.
   
2. Take the children for long walks to get out of the house and clear your head.
   
3. Do not ask for advice if you don't want to hear the truth.
   
4. Be more appreciative of your husband. Men need respect and appreciation. You are not providing any of those emotional needs for him.
   
5. Realize that motherhood comes with sacrifices. You decided to bring two kids into the world and now you have to put them first.
   
6. There is too much "I want I want I want..." in your posts. You are a mother and wife. Try to focus on the needs and wants of your partner and your children!
   
7. If you think your life is hard now, raising two children on your own will be 5,000 times more difficult. Count your blessings.
   

[anika99]

So lately I haven't had anyone to talk to, I haven't posted on this forum since last year but my life has gotten a little crazy since then. My last post my fiancé didn't have a job & we were staying with family & he wasn't really helping out with our kid while I was pregnant. Well since then he's got a great job that has him working everyday 14+ hours, & we have our own place & we have 1 vehicle. That vehicle is 2 seater single cab truck (so the kiddos don't ride in it). Anyways, I'm just gonna get to the point, I'm super unhappy & have been for a while. My fiancé & I have been together for 4 1/2 years & we now have 2 children together. Since he's got this job he's been working crazy amount of hours, he leave before the kids wake up & most days don't get home until they are in bed. (I try to keep them awake for him but at that point I'm exhausted & want my own time). When he's home he doesn't do much with the boys at all, his off days mostly consist of him relaxing all day, taking naps & watching tv, while I still cook/clean & take care of the kids. I am a stay at home mom, I had a job at McDonald's but I was working the night shift & only did that for 5 months, now I stay back at home with the kids because his job interfered with mine & I had to quit. (I use to work as a CNA but had to quit that after our first son, & had to turn down a lot of jobs because no one is able to watch the kids) I get no help from his parents or mine, I don't have any friends at all, I don't have a vehicle to take me or the kids out & I just feel like he doesn't care that I don't get a break. He gets to work, he gets money, he gets out of the house & gets to relax when he's home. I'm honestly physically & mentally drained, like we use to fight a lot & now I just don't even care about fighting or anything.. when he brings something up or tries to fight I ignore him or go outside because like I said I'm exhausted I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I have let myself go, I use to be super skinny but since having 2 kids & being depressed & sitting at home day in & day out I just don't care. I just feel like my life is completely on hold, I've brought it up to him, have been for a year now & all he says is "it will get better" "it won't be like this forever" "blah blah blah blah blah". Like we literally don't do anything, I said before when he's off he relaxes around the house while I do all the work, & then when he works I still do all the work because I'm the only one home. I want to go to school, I want to go out with friends, I want to go out on dates with him, I want to be able to go to work, & out for the day & take my kids out, they stay cooped up in the house with me because we don't have a vehicle to take them anywhere! We have his work truck & I told him not to buy it because we've put so much money into it, I put basically every paycheck I got from McDonald's into it & barely drove it! I feel like he wants nothing to do with me unless it's sex. We don't cuddle on the couch & watch TV, we don't hold hands or just love on each other. We were in different rooms today & he just comes in sits next to me & starts grabbing on me & trying to play with me, obviously I'm not in the mood. Like he hasn't said barely anything to me all day & then wants to come in & grope on me, like really? So I was just like "I'm not on the mood" & he went back in the bedroom to watch tv.... :/ Like I'm really starting to resent him & ive told him that before, as mean as it sounds because I feel like he doesn't care. He gets to move on in his career & have money, I stay at home, I don't get an allowance lol as stupid as that sounds, I get nothing, literally nothing. I love my children & would never regret them but I really wish I had more help, I didn't expect my life to be like this when we BOTH AGREED TO HAVE KIDS, not just me. I guess the advice I'm trying to ask is what would someone do in my situation? Like I want to leave & maybe be a single mom, like I already feel like a single mother & I would be better & happier at it because I would get out & to work & to do things for myself & be able to provide for my kids. I'm just so lost... since being a mom I've lost myself & im so insecure & scared all the time & just depressed.

 

I haven't read the whole thread but I just want to say that the above bolded doesn't make any sense at all. You want to leave because then you can work and do things for yourself and be able to provide for your kids? But before that you said you can't work because you don't have any childcare and you don't have any family or friends to help you? So do you think that by leaving that family, friends and free child care are just going to drop in your lap from the sky? If you see it as possible for you to leave and get a job and take care of yourself by then why can't you do that now? without leaving?

 

I was a single parent to 2 children. I had to work full time, made lousy money and my kids suffered. It's no freaking picnic being a single parent and it's hardest on the kids. I understand fully how tough it is to be alone with children so I get why you are unhappy and stressed but to be fair it doesn't sound like life is a picnic for your husband either. All he does is work ungodly hours to support his family. Working 14 hours a day is also hell. Apparently you two decided to have children without being financially prepared to do so and now this is the price you pay. The kids have to come first. As your husband says, it won't be this way forever. They don't stay little forever, as they get older you will get more independence and when you are able to return to work then maybe your husband can work less and take a more active role in the house but for now this is the way things have to be for the well being of your children. I'm sorry but it sounds like you're just going to have to deal with it for a few years.

[anika99]

Back in 2014 when we had our first son, we did have jobs both of us & they were both good for our family & then some things happened. I don't expect a lot of people to understand losing things & bad **** happening because it seems like everyones got a perfect little life on here & cant be unhappy..

I have been thinking about being on my own because it basically feels like I am. Like I said in my previous post I take care of the kids all day long, the house, animals & everything. We don't do anything as a couple, we barely talk to each other, we watch tv in different rooms.. I'm LONELY.

The whole sex comment was a complete joke lol why would I want to have sex after dealing with all the bs with the kids & house all day, barely talked to or spent time with, & then wanna be groped on & going back to watching TV in different rooms lol MAYBE if he wanted to spend time with his children & wife AND/OR help out with the kids I wouldn't mind giving him a bj or doing all the work in sex, but when you're home all day, don't get to do anything at all & then are completely ignored when they're home Im sorry NOT sorry sex isn't on my mind or the first thing I wanna do to you. & maybe also if I was appreciated for the things I do at home MAYBE sex would be on my mind....

 

I understand I'm a mother but it makes me so frustrated that people nowadays think that's all that I am or can be. I'm allowed to go to school, & work. I love my children & I love being able to stay home & care for them. I gave up everything for my children & husband so he could have the career HE WANTS. & everytime I try to find a baby sitter for the boys or a family member to watch them, his whole family is always busy & my mom is very sick so it's hard for her to keep up with a 2 & 1 year old. Or he just doesn't want to go out & do this or that.. I've planned dates before & he just doesn't wanna go on them.. & (I don't like daycare because I don't want a stranger taking care of my kids, I've seen videos & I would kill someone if anything bad happened to my kids) I don't think I'm a terrible person for wanting to get out & be able to do things with my own life. So just because I'm a mom I'm not able to better myself? I'm not able to go to school? I'm not able to work? I knew asking for advice was a waste of time.. everyone just tells me the same thing.. "you're a mom" I know I'm a mom & my kids are taken care of & loved every min of every day, it just shocks me that when someone wants to do something more they get put down. I love my fiancé I'm just having some resentment issues because I feel like he's fine with things because he's bettering himself & doing what he wants while I sit at home & take care of OUR kids all day,,,,

 

Have a great day.

 

Leaving isn't a mature well thought out solution because it doesn't solve any of your complaints. It doesn't solve the child care issue, or the no vehicle issue, or money issues. You need to make an intelligent plan. Talk to your husband about setting aside money to get a cheap vehicle or about moving closer to town so that you can at least be in walking distance to parks and amenities. Look into finding things you can do while you are at home to upgrade your skills or make extra money. You could take courses online or if money is the most pressing issue you could consider looking for job that allows you to work from home or perhaps provide childcare services yourself to one or two kids then use the money you make to get yourself a vehicle and insurance. That's just a few ideas but I'm sure there are many more. Just complaining and getting mad at everyone here does nothing to actually help you.

Edited June 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[FastHands]

IMHO yeah they are sacrifices but you have children. While some other couples wish they could have children but are dealing with infertility.

 

I think this is a situation Many people have or have gotten through. I was lucky to have my mom look after me most of the time. I think the most painful part was wishing I had my father to interact and play with (he worked long hours too).

[Chardonnay Renée]

I understand you aren't getting the responses you want from the people here, but you have to realize the limitations you've placed on yourself that make it impossible for anyone to help you. That being said, I really sympathize with you and I think people here are being pretty harsh on you considering that your husband is clearly making some huge mistakes. He should have listened to you about the car, and you should have some access to finances because you are the one doing the work at home so that he can make the money he makes. That means you are entitled to the money as well. But your husband isn't the one posting here so I'm going to start with your specific issues.

 

You say you want to do things outside of the house, take the kids places, but you don't have a car to fit them. There is NO solution here other than to get another car. Literally no other solution. You know this, you don't need us to tell you this. It's absolutely ridiculous to not have a car that fits the family when you live in the country. How can you go anywhere, visit relatives, go on family outings, with no car? It just makes no sense.

 

You say you want to go to school and make something of yourself but you don't want to send the kids to daycare because you don't want a stranger raising your kids. Well...okay then. No one can help you. I'm currently in graduate school and guess what, my kid goes to daycare while I'm in class because I don't have family near me to help. That's what you have to do if you want to go to school.

 

You want to go out with your friends. But you don't have any friends. This is probably because you can't nurture relationships with people when you never leave your house. And you never leave your house because you don't have a car that will fit your family. So that kind of goes back to the car situation. You'd also make friends if you went to school, but you can't do that because you won't put your kids in daycare. So you're kind of at a dead end here of your own making.

 

You want to go on date nights with your husband, but your husband doesn't want to go on them with you. You watch TV in separate rooms, he buys a truck that's inappropriate for the family, and you never talk or cuddle. The state of the relationship is bad, and it's both of your doing. What happens if you turn your TV off and walk into the room where he is and suggest to watch something together? What happens if you sit on the couch next to him and cuddle while watching TV? What happens if you approach him for anything?

 

It seems like you need relationship counseling, bad. We only have your side of the story here but I bet your husband has equally valid criticisms of you. You turn him down for sex, you've let yourself go physically, you're not happy with the life he provides despite him working insane hours to provide for you. Now, I know you have reasons for why you're acting the way you are, but you have to see things from his perspective. BOTH of you are doing all the wrong things here, and that's why your life sucks. Marriage is about putting in the work to make the other person happy, and hoping they do the same for you. But sometimes you have to put in the work even when the other person isn't, and in the future the tables will be turned. I think of you work on your end a lot, it will probably make your husband want to work on his end.

 

Have sex with him even when you don't want to. Show him affection even when you feel like he's ignoring you. Be nice to him and show him appreciation even when you feel like he's not doing the same for you. You can't keep this up *forever*, but you should try it for a while and see if you get any sort of reciprocation from him. If you don't, then try counseling and see if that helps. Or divorce. Up to you.

 

Extraordinarily well said, Gemma. There's literally nothing I could say to expand any further on all of the wonderful points you've made, and how well you have articulated them.

[Chardonnay Renée]

What I will say is that without wanting to sound like I'm having a go at you, Lynn, it seems like a lot of your problems could be easily fixed. Right now, you are in a rut. The good thing is is that a lot of your problems could be fixed relatively easily. As many have said above, start by getting a car.

 

You seem very down and negative, which I'm sure is no fun for you feeling this way. You may need to seek help from a professional if you can't get your depressive state managed through self-improvement.

 

I suggest you try to see things through your partner's perspective to help you deal with your own issues. Walk a mile in his shoes and try to feel how he's feeling after working ridiculous hours while coming home to a grumpy slob who doesn't appreciate him.

 

If my above description sounds harsh, I'm sorry. I'm not saying it to be mean, I'm saying it so you'll understand how he feels from his perspective. Understand where he's at first, then consider your own feelings and where they fit within the whole relationship dynamic.

 

Please, understand that I'm also a mother with twins under one year's of age and a husband who works ridiculous hours. I too feel like a single mother *sometimes*, only because of the sheer amount of time I spend raising my sons on my own. But would I actually be better off being single? Hell to the no!

 

Please, also understand that I know *exactly* where you are coming from when you say that you're not interested in having sex. I have been in that boat - feeling disgusting being intimate with someone who you're not emotionally connected to at that point in time due to a build-up of resentment.

 

Men need sex to feel loved and connected. Denying him does affect his self-esteem. That's an undesirable consequence when, from his perspective, he's busting his guts at work trying to do the best he can to support a family. He would be feeling like he's doing everything to show love and devotion to his family, yet he doesn't get the same in return.

 

You guys both need to sit down and talk. Let each other say the things they want out of the relationship and ways in which they will be willing to put back in. Try to understand each other's needs and try to put each other first. Seek help if you feel it will help this cause.

 

Good luck and keep us all updated.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[Miss Peach]

The biggest issue I see if that it doesn't sound like you and your husband are a team. It sounds like you live two completely separate lives and need to fix that. It just sounds like roommates; not a marriage.

 

I was the breadwinner when I was married but my XH left me with the kids 100% when I wasn't working so I can understand both sides. My XH used to make it seem like going to work was a party. It wasn't. But I get that everyone needs a childcare break too as kids can be tiring.

 

As far as getting out, that can be done as a family and/or with kids in tow. Places like parks and festivals are often low cost or free.

 

My situation was a little different in that my XH wasn't contributing financially but I feel it's easier as a single mom to be honest than to have an unsupportive partner. Nothing you mention here doesn't sound like you can't get back on track with some counselling and such. But I totally understand how it's hard to be in the parent role with someone unsupported and feeling isolated and lonely. That is totally how I felt married.

[GunslingerRoland]

As far as getting out, that can be done as a family and/or with kids in tow. Places like parks and festivals are often low cost or free.

 

Don't forget that the OP lives in the middle of nowhere with a two seater vehicle for a family of 4. They are literally trapped (which to me is a major safety concern if nothing else)

[Miss Peach]

Don't forget that the OP lives in the middle of nowhere with a two seater vehicle for a family of 4. They are literally trapped (which to me is a major safety concern if nothing else)

 

That's true but that doesn't mean the OP's husband has to sit on the couch every evening and weekend and ignore his family. I am a busy professional and I still make time to do all sorts of things with friends, the kiddo, my BF, etc. Even if they stay home during the day, they can do things as a family in the evenings and weekends.

[Lynn2010]

I've read some of the responses but I just wanted to go ahead & say this..

for everyone saying I'm a bad person or whatever because I want to leave don't know everything I've had to put up with. I've been hearing "it won't be like this forever" for almost 2 1/2 years.. I am fed up, I'm tired of sitting in a house all day taking care of our children & then when he gets home it's completely unenjoyable, who wants to be ignored? Who wants to not talk to the person you live with & started a life with? I try to communicate if he doesn't wanna talk, he doesn't wanna talk & that's the end of that or it turns into a scream fest because I'm exhausted of repeating myself day in & day out because my needs aren't met. Yeah going to work isn't a party but it's really stressful dealing with kids everyday 24/7 with NO breaks, NO outings alone, or NO outings to take them out because they wanna get out of the house too.

My fiancé doesn't listen to a single thing I say,

I told him not to get this truck & he did, I told him we needed a car for the entire family not a 2 seater when we are a family of 4, it makes NO sense! But who am I? Right? I'm just a house wife & there's plenty more he hasn't listened about, but I've tried to let the past go, this was recent. I can't get a job because it's my responsibility to get a care taker for OUR children. I can't get a job also because we don't have a second car or a car to hold me plus the kids. My parents & his parents don't help out, they don't offer to babysit & when I call them they have other things going on, so nobody helps out. I am the only one my kids see all day or even do anything with. When their dad is home, he wants to rest & I get that because he works crazy hours & long days but why is it impossible to get him to come outside with us & play for an hour? Or for him to take 1 of the kids to the park & spend time with 1 for the day & the next day off spend it with the other since like I've said a million times we only have a 2 seater. Yeah I'm a negative person now, I use to be an upbeat & driven person but after living the way we have for the past 4 years & then for the past 2 years being told things will change gets tiring. I love my fiancé & I love our family but sometimes enough is enough. I'm tired of being a "single parent" while in a relationship. Yeah he works & pays the bills but I don't want that, I don't want us to struggle but I want a man who works & puts time in with his family. He always puts work first, even on the weekends when he's suppose to be "off" he will go into work or go & help his friends with something they need. Yeah I maybe unenjoyable as well but that's because I am literally doing everything while he gets to get out of the house. When the kids scream or cry after them doing it for 5 mins he will get mad & scream I'm about to lose it, then when I say I've been listening to it all day, he gets mad at me about that. He has a short temper & it's just really aggravating to constantly have to deal with it everyday. Like I said I understand I may be no picnic either but I do have sex when I don't want to, I have lots of times, as uncomfortable as it maybe I have done it for him, I will come up & cuddle with him on the couch or watch tv in the room he is, but then the kids fight or cry or I have to go check on them. It's just exhausting, but I have just come to realization that I only have myself to rely on, & I have to do something for me & my kids. So thanks for all the "advice" but I'm good. I'm gonna continue to do what I do & make myself happy. I try my god damn hardest everyday, & now I'm just getting tired. So bye y'all. Lynn won't be back on. ??

[Blanco]

Why did you have children with him?