Should I cheat?

[RiskyTear]

No.

 

If you don't love her anymore and the problems in your marriage can not be solved, then divorce.

 

Cheating will not help solve the problems in your marriage. It will only create more problems, and destroy more lives.

 

It's a matter of character and personal integrity.

 

Perhaps, but part of me feels like if I get caught maybe then she will work harder to save our marriage. I mean what is it going to take? Temptation is all around me and I sit here wondering what the hell am I doing. Perhaps I should try the counseling as someone else suggested and if it does not work, then just move to divorce.

 

Thank you for responding!

[RiskyTear]

Why cheat?

 

Cheating implies dishonesty and deception.

 

Just be a man about it. Tell her you're going to find another lover and deal with the consequences.

 

You don't have to lie or "cheat". Be honest.

 

I am started to see consequences more clearly since posting my initial thread, but I am still on the fence. I am not trying to lie, I am just trying to feel better.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[Chica80]

I think you are right. I am sure this is an action and re-action concept. However, I think I have done the right thing by keeping myself in shape and still looking good for her. I am less affectionate to her, no doubt that. I just can't see me lying and trying to be affectionate.

 

I am not getting from her what I should be in the intimacy department, but everything else is fine. This is why I started being curious about cheating.

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

Then be honest and tell her that you are thinking about cheating.

 

Tell her what you said. You love her you want her, but you have no connection. Intimacy is very important to you. It is not a want it is a need. You want to work together to get to a better place.

For you that would include that she take better care of her health.

And she should be allowed to say what she needs from you.

 

People always think honesty is hurtful, it is and it can be. But it can also be a big red stop sign hey danger ahead!!

 

You can stop now change things now. After it is done...too late.

Just curious, is there someone you are already interested in? This is dangerous.

[RiskyTear]

No. Simple answer.

 

I suspect you need to really lay it on the line - that you love her but you are finding intimacy difficult because she has gained such a lot of weight and that you crave that intimacy. If she can't make some efforts to get healthy your marriage is in jeopardy.

 

I would also suggest that depression is playing a part - depressed people aren't all moping around bemoaning their unhappiness or slashing their wrists with a blade! Often the biggest symptom is tiredness and lack of energy. And the frustrating thing is that best way to beat depression is to get up, out and get moving! And boy is that hard to do....

 

If your marriage has to end, so be it, but don't give up without making an effort and above all don't cheat - all that will do is make the end of your marriage even more painful for everyone than it needs to be, when she finds out.

 

Great advice! I guess that will be my game plan. I am just going to tell it like it is. I mean it won't hurt to talk about again. I just feel like I know how it will end up.

 

But I am curious, what do you think if I just moved out close by and just said I wanted to separate? I mean I hear of people separating all the time. It usually leads to divorce, but sometimes it can be a wake-up call I think.

 

I think you are right that she is probably depressed. She does complain of having no energy and she does not get out much. I will make an effort, I promise to try. I feel like my reasons for cheating just out weigh the pain I am feeling at home. I guess from what you are saying it would hurt even more. I am so undecided.

 

Thank you for replying!

[RiskyTear]

I hope you decide not to cheat.

 

Remember that these other ladies could be married or have a SO.

 

You would be surprised how angry her husband will be at you.

 

And you could put yourself in physical danger, when he hires someone to take care of you.

 

You would use protecttion right to avoid stds?

 

I doubt that you would use protection. So how would you feel introducing your new child to your other children? And your poor wife that has had her heart torn in two?

 

This is true. In fact some married women are the ones hitting on me. I am shocked too because these women are literally about the same age as my wife with kids and yet they did not gain 120 pounds.

 

I mean I would use protection if I did cheat, but some things cannot be stopped. I do think about the potential effects of going back in to the dating world and what it would produce. At 43, I am not sure I have many prospects left. By the time my last child is an adult, I will be over 50. Women are not looking at me at 50 and I feel like I will be stuck.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

Ask yourself, do you still love your wife? I don't recommend you saying "I want to be with another woman because you are fat". Afterall, her obesity makes her less sexually appealing, but it is not an excuse to cheat. Love, or lack thereof, is at the heart of this thing. Maybe you can still rekindle that spark in your marriage.

 

I would give anything to fall back in love and I mean anything! I would love to be in love again. I miss it. I remind myself of all the happy times we had when I was madly in love with her. There is not anything I would not do for her back then. I just think it is hopeless now.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[Phoenician]

suggest marriage consultation and try to resolve your issues first , and openly if are still unstaisfied raise the issue and propose open marriage relationship.

 

otherwise divorce.

[RiskyTear]

What have you actually done to improve your marriage yourself? You have lots of complaints about your wife, a bug head about your appearance, and said little else about what YOU are doing to help improve your marriage.

 

If we were to ask for her views on your marriage and you, what woudl they be? I expect they woudl be very different than yours.

 

I've got three kids too, and it wasn't easy to get back to my "pre-baby" weight. In fact, the only thing that allowed it to happen is that I developed ulcertaive colitis.

 

Look, if you want to cheat, just admit it and stop using your wife as an excuse for YOUR actions. If she finds out, you will hurt both her and your children deeply, and could blow your fmaily apart in the worst way possible. You okay with telling your kids you broke their om's heart, disrupted their home and likely hurt them to just because you wanted a little action on the side?

 

I am not okay with hurting my family or her. I am not saying the weight she gained is not without an excuse either. I mean she had three kids. It changed her whole body. I could accept some of the changes because of the natural attributes that come with natural births. I just can't accept her being overweight. You only lost your weight because of a medical condition, but if you did not have the medical condition would you have ever lost the weight?

 

I am not using my wife to make me cheat. I am saying that I am hurt inside. I have no affection from her. I get a lot of support from other women who make me feel like a man. The ramifications are plenty, I got it. I am just hurt too. I feel like my feelings come last over everyone else, so am I to suffer until my last days. It just does not seem right. I just want to be happy again.

 

I wish someone could see my pain too and not just hers or my kids.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

Any chance she would agree to an open marriage? If there is no deception and she okays it, your not risking anything. My ex husband was gay so he knew about my affair partner. The problem was that my ex mm had a wife that apparently was not okay with him having numerous affair partners. So if she does okay an open relationship, make sure the person you are going to be involved with has an open marriage as well.

 

I never asked her about an open marriage. Not sure what that would look like. I actually have no problem if someone wants to have sex with my wife at this point in time. I want her to be happy too.

 

I can probably propose something like that when I make the game plan to talk to her. I am on here to try to help form that game plan with all of you kind of helping me out.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

The only time I endorse cheating is if it's a revenge affair. Otherwise man up and dump your wife if you're unhappy and she's unresponsive.

 

I wish she did cheat on me, it would make it a lot easier to make this decision for sure.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

Your kids will hate you a lot less for divorce than they will if you show them you're a cheat. Those are the people's opinions you should be worried about.b

 

I guess. I mean my kids want me to be happy too. I am not sure how mad they would get if they knew how unhappy I was. Cheating just seems to be such a bad word here, but it also assumes I will get caught. I am just trying to be happy. I cannot imagine no one on here has ever cheated. I mean it seems like there are so many righteous people on here. We are all human and we have sexual tendencies, how does no one cheat?

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

Then be honest and tell her that you are thinking about cheating.

 

Tell her what you said. You love her you want her, but you have no connection. Intimacy is very important to you. It is not a want it is a need. You want to work together to get to a better place.

For you that would include that she take better care of her health.

And she should be allowed to say what she needs from you.

 

People always think honesty is hurtful, it is and it can be. But it can also be a big red stop sign hey danger ahead!!

 

You can stop now change things now. After it is done...too late.

Just curious, is there someone you are already interested in? This is dangerous.

 

You are right. It is a real need for me. I think it sounds like I just have to make an ultimatum. She can then do her own on me too. Perhaps I can be more honest about leaving her, but I would never feel comfortable about telling her I thought about cheating.

 

There are three different women that regularly interact with me at work and one of them has been much more forward in the past few months. It has caused a huge temptation on me and has me thinking very hard now.

[RiskyTear]

suggest marriage consultation and try to resolve your issues first , and openly if are still unstaisfied raise the issue and propose open marriage relationship.

 

otherwise divorce.

 

That is where I am going to go with this if the talk does not work. It helps to hear from everyone.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[Chica80]

I guess. I mean my kids want me to be happy too. I am not sure how mad they would get if they knew how unhappy I was. Cheating just seems to be such a bad word here, but it also assumes I will get caught. I am just trying to be happy. I cannot imagine no one on here has ever cheated. I mean it seems like there are so many righteous people on here. We are all human and we have sexual tendencies, how does no one cheat?

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

Maybe you should read the infidelity board. Or start on the OW/OM board.

 

Most of us posting here are spouses who have been betrayed or the wandering spouse who cheated.

 

I myself was a WS/ also a OW. So I think we know what we are talking about. I know the pain you are in trust me I can relate. But í can tell you it doesn't compare to the pain after.

 

Me personally, I don't regret knowing my AP. Or what I have learned. But I very much do regret using an A as a way out. Because it made decisions very muddy and unclear for me to an already painful choice.

[Mumbles]

This is true. In fact some married women are the ones hitting on me. I am shocked too because these women are literally about the same age as my wife with kids and yet they did not gain 120 pounds.

 

You say further on that you are 43, presumably these other women, some of whom are married, are also roughly your age plus or minus?

 

Its a dangerous time. You are approaching, or are already in, your mid life, and the 'crises' thing is real. For some it comes and goes and you will barely notice, for others, its a strong force of nature that can have unexpected results.

 

Women around this age, your potential OW, are in their sexual enjoyment peak phase of life, they will 'make themselves available' in ways that they themselves probably couldn't contemplate even just a few years earlier.

 

There is a real possibility of the perfect storm here, have a care and do whatever you do with both eyes open.

 

I mean I would use protection if I did cheat, but some things cannot be stopped.

 

Indeed!

 

Don't assume you won't be found out - its an unrealistic starting position. Assume, and fully contemplate, that you will get busted and what that will then mean. There are numerous means by which your primary female will smell a rat, and the gaining of an STI is only one, unambiguous way.

 

I do think about the potential effects of going back in to the dating world and what it would produce. At 43, I am not sure I have many prospects left. By the time my last child is an adult, I will be over 50. Women are not looking at me at 50 and I feel like I will be stuck.

 

In many ways you are in your prime years now. Its why you feel like you do. Sure, you may not necessarily have the pure adrenaline rutting power of a 20yo, but in most ways, including sexual, you are a force to be reckoned with at this age.

 

However, don't get confused. I'm 50 and in shape with a stable life, women will still orbit you at 50 and beyond (I hope! Cant see this changing for me for a number of years post 50).

 

What I'm saying here is that you shouldn't be feeling the pressure of time. You have time, to either work it through with your wife, or go your own way, as the case may be.

 

By the way, I divorced my first wife when I was circa your age, it was an incel marriage by that point and had been for many years. Post 40, as life for many of us otherwise stabilizes, energy can return and you start feeling your oats again .... I fully understand how you are feeling and what is driving you.

[waterwoman]

Just wanted to say that I do sympathise.

 

I have put on some weight after three kids but I do try to keep it in check and I also run a lot so I guess I am reasonable fit even if not skinny! Running is my biggest aid in combatting depression too btw.

 

However H had steadily put on weight over the last few years - giving up smoking and gaining a major knee injury hasn't helped - and although I still love him a great deal and still enjoy making love to him, aesthetically I don't find him all that attractive. However I am aware that he is going through a bad time and the thought of cheating and hurting him even more is impossible. That is not to say that I am a saint and you're a sinner - it might be a gender difference but I think mainly because have been cheated on and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Beleive me it is soul-destroying:( If you are a decent man please take the advice on this board and talk talk talk to her - be straight and honest and ensure she really understands that you are serious about this issue.

 

Good luck

[somanymistakes]

I guess. I mean my kids want me to be happy too. I am not sure how mad they would get if they knew how unhappy I was. Cheating just seems to be such a bad word here, but it also assumes I will get caught. I am just trying to be happy. I cannot imagine no one on here has ever cheated. I mean it seems like there are so many righteous people on here. We are all human and we have sexual tendencies, how does no one cheat?

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

Lots of people do cheat. It creates a lot of messes when they get caught.

 

Your kids may want you to be happy but they're kids. Kids generally have a more simplistic view of the world and of right and wrong. They don't understand the weaknesses that lead us to make stupid mistakes. They understand fairness and cheating.

 

I mean, watch a little kid tattle on another. They understand that someone did something bad! And they are SO self-righteous about telling everyone how BAD that person was!

 

Kids will generally forgive divorce eventually because they DO want their parents to be happy, but even then, there can be resentment because they want their parents to be perfect and they can feel angry that one or both of them did 'something bad' and broke up the family.

 

But if you look around in forums like this and other relationship places, people who found out their parent cheated tend to be disgusted, horrified, want to cut all contact with the parent, refuse to forgive them for years and years, and so on. THe parent is supposed to be the person you trusted to protect you from the world and be your source of guidance, to teach you right and wrong, and then they turned out to be a giant hypocrite. It makes people very angry and that anger does not go away easily.

[Mumbles]

Cheating just seems to be such a bad word here, but it also assumes I will get caught.

 

You almost certainly will get caught, even if you cross your T's and dot your I's.

 

Don't think that almost no-one gets caught, almost _everyone_ gets their comeuppance in the end.

 

It just takes one tiny thing to put your woman on alert, one tiny tiny thing. Once she's alerted and actually actively looking into it its trivially easy to find out. GPS trackers, PI's, VAR's, watching phone and CC bills, and its just the start of a long list - its very difficult to live an anonymous alter life whilst still interacting with your primary one.

 

I am just trying to be happy.

 

I get it, I really do. You're asking an appropriate question. People are responding as they usually do here. But you're obviously at a crossroad, and you _really_ need to keep your eyes open at this point before you decide. Don't kid yourself into things that are unlikely to happen.

 

I cannot imagine no one on here has ever cheated. I mean it seems like there are so many righteous people on here. We are all human and we have sexual tendencies, how does no one cheat?

 

I've got an open marriage

 

I don't "cheat" per se because my wife knows what I'm doing. I don't sing about it from the rooftops or anything, we're both discreet, thats called respect, but still - I sleep well at night with no guilty conscience.

 

After the end of my first marriage, which involved years of incel, I promised myself I'd never go down that path again.

[Mumbles]

If you are a decent man please take the advice on this board and talk talk talk to her - be straight and honest and ensure she really understands that you are serious about this issue.

 

I liked your post and _do_ agree with it. I've snipped the bit above because I wanted to highlight to other responders a couple of probable realities with this situation and these are probably contributing to the OP's sense of frustration, both with his current situation but also with some of the responses here:

 

- Chances are high that though 'we' onlookers are seeing this for the first time, its been festering for years and the OP has indicated this. He's probably at pretty much the end of his rope. I divorced at 41 after 10 years of marriage and 4-5 years of close to incel ...

 

By the time I snapped out of some sort of weird dream I was living and actually thought "I need help" it was already too late.

 

- Related to the above - the talking to his wife, which I agree with, and the follow up marriage therapy and/or regime of weight loss or other remedies are going to take years, literally years ... not 1 or 2 but years and years and years. The OP is going to implode during this time.

 

They, the couple, need _immediate_ relief, followed up by remedial action, of whatever type is appropriate for them.

 

Maybe immediate, multi visit per week marriage therapy will do it? Maybe something else ... but _something_ needs to happen, right now.

 

To reuse my fork-in-the-road metaphor from the post above - this couple isn't seeing the fork way out ahead and can plan and make logical decisions, the OP is right there, at the crossroad. Decisions might be made in weeks, even days.

 

If I were the OP, and deeply wanted to keep the marriage, despite the currently felt angst, I'd book a therapist for a session tomorrow - don't wait. Get onto it.

[wmacbride]

Perhaps the best way to answer your question is to ask yourself this.

 

Let's say your kids are grown and married with kids, and one of their spouses comes to you and asks if you think they should cheat because of the same circumstances. What would you tell them?

 

Now, let's say they did what you are wanting to do and they cheat. Your son or daughter comes to you devastated because of it. What do you tell him or her? How would your excuse for cheating sound?

[donbar]

Just curious, when you cheated did anything positive come out of it? Did you rekindle the relationship or make some changes and still stay together?

 

Well ultimately, right now, our relationship is better than it has been in 4-5 years.

Significantly better. Unfortunately I am still lost in the fog of thinking constantly of the OW, and that is the worst feeling ever. I mean, I think about her every hour of every day, probably more. I try to think about other stuff but I miss her so very much because she was such a strength to me. I'm working to correct it, know it will take time, but at the end of the day, I wish I had got divorced at height of the fighting and anger.

 

I hope it will all work out ok. I do love my wife, and I am beginning to really like her again too.

[cocorico]

she cooks for the kids and she ends up eating all their sugary food too.

 

Kids should not be eating sugary food! They will also end up with health problems! I recommend speaking to a nutritionist about proper eating formthe whole family, and physical activity for the whole family - since you say she only ever goes out with the kids in tow. Make health an issue for everyone. If she feels she's doing it for them (and with them) it takes the pressure off her - it's no longer about her being "good enough" for you, it's about her doing the best she can to raise healthy kids.

[wmacbride]

op,

I think some of the responses on here may only end making the problem worse.

 

You are an adult human being, capable of making choices. You are not a slave to your "primal brain". Slow down, take some breaths and really think about what you are doing.

 

As it stands right now, you say your wife is a good person, a great mom and that you still have a lot of affection for her. You indicate that it's her weight that's the problem.

 

Do you think that is she could suddenly wave a wand and be thin that you would drop all this desire to sleep around? Be really honest with yourself about this.

 

I'm asking because if it really is just her weight, you have the ability to help her. Offer to do the grocery shopping, make the weekend meals, encourage the family to exercise together at the local pool, etc. If your kids needs a sitter, hire one for an afternoon and take your wife for a hike and picnic. Cook meals with her. Find a recipe you think she'd like and ask her if the two of you can make to together. What age group do your kids fall into? If they are old enough, they can help too.

 

There are lots of steps you can take to help. It's very possible that your wife feels bad about her weight, and while it's easy for others to say she should just diet or exercise, it may not be that simple for her. It is likely harming her self esteem, and while logic might say that she should lose weight and all will be well, it may not be that easy for her. She probably feels bad about it, feels she's unattractive to you anymore, and let's be frank here, she's right.

 

Have a talk to her, and be honest about how you feel. I don't mean you sit her down and tell her you think she's fat and ugly, but rather that you need to explain the problem and just how bad it's gotten for you. Will it hurt her? Of course it will, but it will hurt a lot less than if you cheat and she catches you.

 

To sum it up, you have an opportunity here. One that is golden. You are actually self aware enough to know that you want to cheat but haven't done so yet. You have the ability to stop yourself from making a huge mistake that will impact your life, your children's lives and your wife's life.

 

You asked earlier if you have the right to be happy. Not at your children's expense you don't. They didn't ask to be brought into this, and as a parent, your goal is to ensure they have the best possible start in life, and that doesn't include having to deal with the cr@pstorm in the wake of mom finding out dad was having an affair.

 

Simply put, you have choices here, your kids do not. You can choose to stay and improve your marriage, you can choose to throw in the towel and end your marriage under sad but friendly enough circumstances or you can choose to take the lazy and cowardly way out and cheat.

 

In your shoes, I would take the first option. Put in the work, and you may just end up being able to find each other again. If you can't, at least you will be able to walk away and teach your kids an excellent lesson. The women will still be there, and having had the strength of character to put the hard work in first will stand you in good stead.

 

btw, have you flirted with any of these women or gone any further than noticing they were interested in you? You haven't had any sort of physical contact ( I hope)?

[lucy_in_disguise]

First, it's already been said, but don't cheat.

 

Cheating will just compound your problems. It will not "wake up" your wife and convince her she should lose weight. Most likely, it will drive her further into depression and justify gaining more weight.

 

Second, you need to be more forthright with your wife on what's going on in your head. I don't think she understands the extent of your misery here. MC can help with this.

 

How does your wife feel about her body? Does she seem uncomfortable with rhe extra pounds? 120 pounds can seem overwhelming but the good news is at that weight little changes can make a big difference. If she started working out and eating clean the first 20-40 pounds would come off quick.

 

Your kids should not be eating sugar either. Childhood is when habits are set and a high sugar diet all but guarantees obesity in their future.

 

Since you are the one wanting change I suggest being proactive about nutrition and fitness for your whole family. Start shopping for food for the whole family. If you don't have the time but can afford it, some of the meal plans, like green apron, could be a good choice. Make fitness an activity you do together as a family- take a walk with your wife after dinner, go on hikes together on the weekends. Your actions can make a big impact here. You cannot lose the weight for her but it sounds like you can do more to help facilitate it. Even if you still end up divorcing having healthy kids with a healthy mom is a benefit in itself.

[alsudduth]

I guess. I mean my kids want me to be happy too. I am not sure how mad they would get if they knew how unhappy I was. Cheating just seems to be such a bad word here, but it also assumes I will get caught. I am just trying to be happy. I cannot imagine no one on here has ever cheated. I mean it seems like there are so many righteous people on here. We are all human and we have sexual tendencies, how does no one cheat?

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

Actually, Lots of us have cheated and so we speak from experience when we say this will not make you feel better long term, it will not fix your marriage but rather destroy whatever might be left, and your kids aren't going to care about your justification for cheating....they are going to see that you were too much of a coward to divorce your wife when you were so unhappy, that you went the route of hurting everyone around you to feel like a man again.

 

I don't think you will ever hear the words from your children "Oh Dad, it's okay that you cheated on mom, and by extension us, you were unhappy because you thought mom got ugly"