Should I cheat?

[RiskyTear]

You say further on that you are 43, presumably these other women, some of whom are married, are also roughly your age plus or minus?

 

Its a dangerous time. You are approaching, or are already in, your mid life, and the 'crises' thing is real. For some it comes and goes and you will barely notice, for others, its a strong force of nature that can have unexpected results.

 

Women around this age, your potential OW, are in their sexual enjoyment peak phase of life, they will 'make themselves available' in ways that they themselves probably couldn't contemplate even just a few years earlier.

 

There is a real possibility of the perfect storm here, have a care and do whatever you do with both eyes open.

 

 

 

Indeed!

 

Don't assume you won't be found out - its an unrealistic starting position. Assume, and fully contemplate, that you will get busted and what that will then mean. There are numerous means by which your primary female will smell a rat, and the gaining of an STI is only one, unambiguous way.

 

 

 

In many ways you are in your prime years now. Its why you feel like you do. Sure, you may not necessarily have the pure adrenaline rutting power of a 20yo, but in most ways, including sexual, you are a force to be reckoned with at this age.

 

However, don't get confused. I'm 50 and in shape with a stable life, women will still orbit you at 50 and beyond (I hope! Cant see this changing for me for a number of years post 50).

 

What I'm saying here is that you shouldn't be feeling the pressure of time. You have time, to either work it through with your wife, or go your own way, as the case may be.

 

By the way, I divorced my first wife when I was circa your age, it was an incel marriage by that point and had been for many years. Post 40, as life for many of us otherwise stabilizes, energy can return and you start feeling your oats again .... I fully understand how you are feeling and what is driving you.

 

Thank you for the all the great information. Of course I do think about the STI issue. I think the fact that I am in my mid-life is what is affecting me. Everything I have come to know in life is changing. My beliefs are changing and my mind is changing. Nothing seems normal like it used to and yet I find myself playing with fire. Sometimes I wonder what it might look like if I did get caught. Maybe I need to in order to be able to discuss what is really going on. The problem seems to be more about how it looks and what kind of lasting effect it will have on how people view me afterwards.

 

I went to work today and the same woman who makes me feel good about myself was there. She is so good to me and she makes me feel so great. I just keep shaking my head and thinking what the hell do I do.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

I never cheated. I've had many, many opportunities. My conscience just doesn't allow me to harm others.

 

Seriously, if you want other women - do proper order and get a divorce finalized...then date available women knowing you are an available man.

 

Proper order is key. Just make a decision and take action to make it happen.

 

Thank you for following up. The advice here has been great. I never felt so torn in my life. Half of me wants to be with someone else, while the other says to stay put.

 

Thank you again!

[RiskyTear]

Just wanted to say that I do sympathise.

 

I have put on some weight after three kids but I do try to keep it in check and I also run a lot so I guess I am reasonable fit even if not skinny! Running is my biggest aid in combatting depression too btw.

 

However H had steadily put on weight over the last few years - giving up smoking and gaining a major knee injury hasn't helped - and although I still love him a great deal and still enjoy making love to him, aesthetically I don't find him all that attractive. However I am aware that he is going through a bad time and the thought of cheating and hurting him even more is impossible. That is not to say that I am a saint and you're a sinner - it might be a gender difference but I think mainly because have been cheated on and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Beleive me it is soul-destroying:( If you are a decent man please take the advice on this board and talk talk talk to her - be straight and honest and ensure she really understands that you are serious about this issue.

 

Good luck

 

I have always lived my life as a decent man. I never hurt anyone and would always, and I mean always, help someone whenever I could.

 

You know the pain I am going through because you have those thoughts too. I just wonder what those thoughts mean in terms of realistically looking at how many years we have left to enjoy. I feel like I am in a stuck because I cannot please my wife because I am no longer attracted to her.

 

I am really building up the courage to just talk to my wife about all this. I am just working on deciding how the ultimatum will end up.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

Lots of people do cheat. It creates a lot of messes when they get caught.

 

Your kids may want you to be happy but they're kids. Kids generally have a more simplistic view of the world and of right and wrong. They don't understand the weaknesses that lead us to make stupid mistakes. They understand fairness and cheating.

 

I mean, watch a little kid tattle on another. They understand that someone did something bad! And they are SO self-righteous about telling everyone how BAD that person was!

 

Kids will generally forgive divorce eventually because they DO want their parents to be happy, but even then, there can be resentment because they want their parents to be perfect and they can feel angry that one or both of them did 'something bad' and broke up the family.

 

But if you look around in forums like this and other relationship places, people who found out their parent cheated tend to be disgusted, horrified, want to cut all contact with the parent, refuse to forgive them for years and years, and so on. THe parent is supposed to be the person you trusted to protect you from the world and be your source of guidance, to teach you right and wrong, and then they turned out to be a giant hypocrite. It makes people very angry and that anger does not go away easily.

 

The reality is if we did not have kids, I probably would have left a lot sooner. The grounding has always been our children. I do worry how they view me and I do not want to seem like a piece of garbage to them. So many men I know get divorced after their kids get to college age and many of them tell me they never saw it coming. The irony is that their wife left them.

 

Thank you for the follow up.

[RiskyTear]

You almost certainly will get caught, even if you cross your T's and dot your I's.

 

Don't think that almost no-one gets caught, almost _everyone_ gets their comeuppance in the end.

 

It just takes one tiny thing to put your woman on alert, one tiny tiny thing. Once she's alerted and actually actively looking into it its trivially easy to find out. GPS trackers, PI's, VAR's, watching phone and CC bills, and its just the start of a long list - its very difficult to live an anonymous alter life whilst still interacting with your primary one.

 

 

 

I get it, I really do. You're asking an appropriate question. People are responding as they usually do here. But you're obviously at a crossroad, and you _really_ need to keep your eyes open at this point before you decide. Don't kid yourself into things that are unlikely to happen.

 

 

 

I've got an open marriage

 

I don't "cheat" per se because my wife knows what I'm doing. I don't sing about it from the rooftops or anything, we're both discreet, thats called respect, but still - I sleep well at night with no guilty conscience.

 

After the end of my first marriage, which involved years of incel, I promised myself I'd never go down that path again.

 

I started reading up on open marriages. Seems interesting, but also seems a little risky. I imagine you tell the people you are dating that you are also married?

[RiskyTear]

Perhaps the best way to answer your question is to ask yourself this.

 

Let's say your kids are grown and married with kids, and one of their spouses comes to you and asks if you think they should cheat because of the same circumstances. What would you tell them?

 

Now, let's say they did what you are wanting to do and they cheat. Your son or daughter comes to you devastated because of it. What do you tell him or her? How would your excuse for cheating sound?

 

You're right. I would tell them to go back and work it out and probably follow a lot of these suggestions here. I have three teenage daughters so I can tell you that it hits me to my core thinking that could happen to them.

 

I keep telling myself no one would ever find out. Now I am thinking it is not a matter of if, but when.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

Well ultimately, right now, our relationship is better than it has been in 4-5 years.

Significantly better. Unfortunately I am still lost in the fog of thinking constantly of the OW, and that is the worst feeling ever. I mean, I think about her every hour of every day, probably more. I try to think about other stuff but I miss her so very much because she was such a strength to me. I'm working to correct it, know it will take time, but at the end of the day, I wish I had got divorced at height of the fighting and anger.

 

I hope it will all work out ok. I do love my wife, and I am beginning to really like her again too.

 

That is kind of how I have been looking at things too. It is like a subtle way of saying to my wife that I had no choice. If she loves me enough maybe she will change too. I mean you kept your relationship even after cheating. Although there is still resentment, it has not cost you the relationship.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

Kids should not be eating sugary food! They will also end up with health problems! I recommend speaking to a nutritionist about proper eating formthe whole family, and physical activity for the whole family - since you say she only ever goes out with the kids in tow. Make health an issue for everyone. If she feels she's doing it for them (and with them) it takes the pressure off her - it's no longer about her being "good enough" for you, it's about her doing the best she can to raise healthy kids.

 

I agree. I have teenagers so they are somewhat old enough to take care of themselves. My wife is overprotective so she is always making sure she is in their lives and making food that keeps them home often. None of them have issues in school and all of them are into sports. I would not say she is raising them healthy, but then again I do not get involved with the food stuff. I just know she makes a lot of dishes that are loaded with carbohydrates, like pasta dishes.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

op,

I think some of the responses on here may only end making the problem worse.

 

You are an adult human being, capable of making choices. You are not a slave to your "primal brain". Slow down, take some breaths and really think about what you are doing.

 

As it stands right now, you say your wife is a good person, a great mom and that you still have a lot of affection for her. You indicate that it's her weight that's the problem.

 

Do you think that is she could suddenly wave a wand and be thin that you would drop all this desire to sleep around? Be really honest with yourself about this.

 

I'm asking because if it really is just her weight, you have the ability to help her. Offer to do the grocery shopping, make the weekend meals, encourage the family to exercise together at the local pool, etc. If your kids needs a sitter, hire one for an afternoon and take your wife for a hike and picnic. Cook meals with her. Find a recipe you think she'd like and ask her if the two of you can make to together. What age group do your kids fall into? If they are old enough, they can help too.

 

There are lots of steps you can take to help. It's very possible that your wife feels bad about her weight, and while it's easy for others to say she should just diet or exercise, it may not be that simple for her. It is likely harming her self esteem, and while logic might say that she should lose weight and all will be well, it may not be that easy for her. She probably feels bad about it, feels she's unattractive to you anymore, and let's be frank here, she's right.

 

Have a talk to her, and be honest about how you feel. I don't mean you sit her down and tell her you think she's fat and ugly, but rather that you need to explain the problem and just how bad it's gotten for you. Will it hurt her? Of course it will, but it will hurt a lot less than if you cheat and she catches you.

 

To sum it up, you have an opportunity here. One that is golden. You are actually self aware enough to know that you want to cheat but haven't done so yet. You have the ability to stop yourself from making a huge mistake that will impact your life, your children's lives and your wife's life.

 

You asked earlier if you have the right to be happy. Not at your children's expense you don't. They didn't ask to be brought into this, and as a parent, your goal is to ensure they have the best possible start in life, and that doesn't include having to deal with the cr@pstorm in the wake of mom finding out dad was having an affair.

 

Simply put, you have choices here, your kids do not. You can choose to stay and improve your marriage, you can choose to throw in the towel and end your marriage under sad but friendly enough circumstances or you can choose to take the lazy and cowardly way out and cheat.

 

In your shoes, I would take the first option. Put in the work, and you may just end up being able to find each other again. If you can't, at least you will be able to walk away and teach your kids an excellent lesson. The women will still be there, and having had the strength of character to put the hard work in first will stand you in good stead.

 

btw, have you flirted with any of these women or gone any further than noticing they were interested in you? You haven't had any sort of physical contact ( I hope)?

 

Thank you for taking the time to explain all of this. I agree with every single point you made. After reading it, I already feel like a piece of garbage. I mean I do not put in the work at all. I literally do not even try anymore. I have totally given up on doing anything to help the relationship. I feel like it is completely pointless. It will be very, very, very, very hard to get back into the loving feeling and be motivated to make us a team again. I feel like she took so much of that away and perhaps I am to blame too since I did not take an active role sooner.

 

It is obvious my kids are the focal point. I have three teenage daughters, but they are so oblivious to what is going on. All they see are happy parents. Behind closed doors, we are so disconnected with the affection.

 

I can try some of your suggestions, but it will be painful because being wrong hurts.

 

Yes there is another woman. While I am talking to three different women, only one of them is getting my attention and it is happening at work. I cannot avoid her and I do not want to. The fact that this is an everyday thing is making it harder for me to see past any so-called fog. I am just trying to hold on, but the lust is very hard to overcome. I hope I do not come on here and say I failed. I am going to try something to make it work, but I just do not feel as motivated as many of you seem to think I should feel to try and fix it.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

First, it's already been said, but don't cheat.

 

Cheating will just compound your problems. It will not "wake up" your wife and convince her she should lose weight. Most likely, it will drive her further into depression and justify gaining more weight.

 

Second, you need to be more forthright with your wife on what's going on in your head. I don't think she understands the extent of your misery here. MC can help with this.

 

How does your wife feel about her body? Does she seem uncomfortable with rhe extra pounds? 120 pounds can seem overwhelming but the good news is at that weight little changes can make a big difference. If she started working out and eating clean the first 20-40 pounds would come off quick.

 

Your kids should not be eating sugar either. Childhood is when habits are set and a high sugar diet all but guarantees obesity in their future.

 

Since you are the one wanting change I suggest being proactive about nutrition and fitness for your whole family. Start shopping for food for the whole family. If you don't have the time but can afford it, some of the meal plans, like green apron, could be a good choice. Make fitness an activity you do together as a family- take a walk with your wife after dinner, go on hikes together on the weekends. Your actions can make a big impact here. You cannot lose the weight for her but it sounds like you can do more to help facilitate it. Even if you still end up divorcing having healthy kids with a healthy mom is a benefit in itself.

 

I never looked at the family plan of working out. I mean I guess that is an option. I would imagine I would have to stay consistent.

 

My wife hates her body, but she has accepted it. She does say she wants to lose weight, but saying and doing as you know are two different things.

 

I guess another idea to the game plan is to try a non-direct approach toward exercising with the family. I have already agreed to myself that I will look into the counseling. I just have to figure out how to approach it and who we would go to. I am distracted at work by another woman so this has made coming on here and talking about it that much more difficult.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

Actually, Lots of us have cheated and so we speak from experience when we say this will not make you feel better long term, it will not fix your marriage but rather destroy whatever might be left, and your kids aren't going to care about your justification for cheating....they are going to see that you were too much of a coward to divorce your wife when you were so unhappy, that you went the route of hurting everyone around you to feel like a man again.

 

I don't think you will ever hear the words from your children "Oh Dad, it's okay that you cheated on mom, and by extension us, you were unhappy because you thought mom got ugly"

 

I just feel like I am suffering and I guess for my children that is fine to justify feeling this way. The more I read on here, the more I think how much more work I need to do if I am going to pull this off and stay married.

 

Thank you.

[Maggie4]

So many men I know get divorced after their kids get to college age and many of them tell me they never saw it coming. The irony is that their wife left them.

 

Yeah, that's been my observation too.

 

Anyway, RiskyTear, your name already says it all. You are not a cheater, you're a good family man. If you were a cheater you would have done it long ago. Cheaters don't ask "should I cheat?" they just do it.

 

I can hear you have resentment toward your wife. She put on the fat like a barrier to keep you physically away. And emotionally, I guess she's not available either. The two go together. She has shut you out, and you have been lonely for quite some time.

 

People lose weight when they're happy. Women take care of themselves when they're in love. If she finds out you cheated, she'll need to eat even more. So no, it would not be a wake up call for her to shape up.

 

She has hurt you and if you have an affair, that would be her comeuppance. Actually you are both hurting. Don't bring in a third person. Women that you have an affair with, may genuinely care about you, and has feelings too. If she's married, even worse, more innocent people may get hurt.

 

I think your wife can use some counseling or therapy. It seems you don't know what's going on in her mind. Once she starts talking to someone, she might open up to you.

[Maggie4]

As for losing weight, you need to take over grocery shopping. Don't buy what you don't want your family to eat. Remember, if you buy it, it will get eaten. So just don't buy it. And only cook small amounts, so there's never any leftover.

[Mumbles]

I started reading up on open marriages. Seems interesting, but also seems a little risky. I imagine you tell the people you are dating that you are also married?

 

I only mentioned this about me because you asked, in some quite justified frustration at some of the responses, "doesn't anyone cheat?"

 

Its a risk laden manoeuvre I'd expect. My wife and I knew this about our selves and each other right from the get go, so whilst we still needed to have a discussion about it, we came from a place that had already more or less normalised the practise.

 

Having this conversation, sort of 'out of the blue' would be an enormous challenge I think.

[somanymistakes]

As for losing weight, you need to take over grocery shopping. Don't buy what you don't want your family to eat. Remember, if you buy it, it will get eaten. So just don't buy it. And only cook small amounts, so there's never any leftover.

 

Gah.

 

If your family is actually eating unhealthy food, getting involved with the grocery shopping and cooking and trying to gently and quietly steer it in a direction with better nutrition options is helpful.

 

However, if your issue is solely weight and NOT nutrition, and you're hoping to CONTROL what other people eat in order to FORCE them to lose weight, this will never work and will build resentment and anger on both sides. It turns into a war you can't win.

 

Even children find other ways of getting food if their parents try to be super-controlling (parents of fat kids have been known to put padlocks on all the food as if their child were an animal. never do this unless there is a severe medical condition involved and your kid agrees to it, otherwise they will probably go nuts under the strain and self-hatred and you-hatred) and adults have a much easier time of it. Trying to surreptitiously control someone will come across as abusive.

[Mumbles]

I agree with Somanymistakes. Attempting to control the diet of people who don't want to be controlled in this way is probably a road to war.

 

However, for children and young people generally, I think that very small changes in diet, without padlocking the cookie jar, combined with a rigurous exercise regime can produce life changing results.

 

I focus on young people above because, generally though with a few accepted exceptions, their metabolisms can run very hot if given half a chance. Even a modicum of exercise will ramp up their metabolic rate and quite literally burn off excess fat in almost no time, and also sets a great foundation for future life and physical strength.

 

Older people, like me (50) need a bit more focus on the type of food I think, though you could probably counter a relatively bad diet with even _more_ exercise.

 

People who are very large often have been for many years and their metabolic rate is extremely low. It can be such a big challenge to bring things back into balance. Restricted calorie diets make their body think they are starving, despite ample fat reserves and will drive their energy levels even lower, whilst putting almost everything they eat straight onto their hips.

 

Rigorous exercise is difficult because of their mass and one needs _real_ care that injury doesn't result. However, ultimately, its the only realistic way forward imho.

 

Start slow and ramp up the exercise at a pace determined by their bodies ability to cope with it. Focus, of course, being on movement that increases, or will promote the increase of metabolic rate.

 

I think its possible that some form of therapy at the same time as the diet and exercise could be beneficial - some type of good life coach perhaps? Reason? The individual at this time is going to be feeling awful. Their body will be screaming at them "I'm starving", they will ache from head to toe, sleep may become an issue. If depression is already ongoing, this won't go away immediately and will just heap on top of everything else.

 

Its a tough but worthwhile journey...however ... not a quick ride

[Maggie4]

No...no... it's not about control. You don't take food away from people. That's too simplistic way of thinking.

I have some experience helping people lose weight successfully. And no, ha ha, no control. It's about a lifestyle change. You have to rethink how you shop.

[wmacbride]

I agree with Somanymistakes. Attempting to control the diet of people who don't want to be controlled in this way is probably a road to war.

 

However, for children and young people generally, I think that very small changes in diet, without padlocking the cookie jar, combined with a rigurous exercise regime can produce life changing results.

 

I focus on young people above because, generally though with a few accepted exceptions, their metabolisms can run very hot if given half a chance. Even a modicum of exercise will ramp up their metabolic rate and quite literally burn off excess fat in almost no time, and also sets a great foundation for future life and physical strength.

 

Older people, like me (50) need a bit more focus on the type of food I think, though you could probably counter a relatively bad diet with even _more_ exercise.

 

People who are very large often have been for many years and their metabolic rate is extremely low. It can be such a big challenge to bring things back into balance. Restricted calorie diets make their body think they are starving, despite ample fat reserves and will drive their energy levels even lower, whilst putting almost everything they eat straight onto their hips.

 

Rigorous exercise is difficult because of their mass and one needs _real_ care that injury doesn't result. However, ultimately, its the only realistic way forward imho.

 

Start slow and ramp up the exercise at a pace determined by their bodies ability to cope with it. Focus, of course, being on movement that increases, or will promote the increase of metabolic rate.

 

I think its possible that some form of therapy at the same time as the diet and exercise could be beneficial - some type of good life coach perhaps? Reason? The individual at this time is going to be feeling awful. Their body will be screaming at them "I'm starving", they will ache from head to toe, sleep may become an issue. If depression is already ongoing, this won't go away immediately and will just heap on top of everything else.

 

Its a tough but worthwhile journey...however ... not a quick ride

 

One thing I have always heard is that before undertaking any major lifestyle changes with respect to diet and exercise, it's a good idea to see a doctor first. Get a checkup, make sure everything is as it should be, and discuss any plans with them. They know their patients well, and can offer helpful advice in the context of that person's own, individual health.

[Rach_and_roll]

yes and no anwser right?

 

No.

 

Till death do us part or get a divorce.

[RiskyTear]

Yeah, that's been my observation too.

 

Anyway, RiskyTear, your name already says it all. You are not a cheater, you're a good family man. If you were a cheater you would have done it long ago. Cheaters don't ask "should I cheat?" they just do it.

 

I can hear you have resentment toward your wife. She put on the fat like a barrier to keep you physically away. And emotionally, I guess she's not available either. The two go together. She has shut you out, and you have been lonely for quite some time.

 

People lose weight when they're happy. Women take care of themselves when they're in love. If she finds out you cheated, she'll need to eat even more. So no, it would not be a wake up call for her to shape up.

 

She has hurt you and if you have an affair, that would be her comeuppance. Actually you are both hurting. Don't bring in a third person. Women that you have an affair with, may genuinely care about you, and has feelings too. If she's married, even worse, more innocent people may get hurt.

 

I think your wife can use some counseling or therapy. It seems you don't know what's going on in her mind. Once she starts talking to someone, she might open up to you.

 

Thank you for the follow-up. I think I am generally a good person. I think it is accurate to say that we are both hurt. I don't wish this on anyone, but I am at the point of true and unfettered ambivalence. On one hand I have a wife that loves me unconditionally, but remains unattractive intentionally or due to her unhappiness, and on the other there is a beautiful woman who absolutely adores me and makes me feel so great about myself and is ready to be with me. I mean my self-esteem goes so high when I am around this other woman, who admittedly I work with. I just feel so wrong talking to her because when we talk it can get out of the professional realm.

 

I mean you are right my wife has shut me out, just as much as I shut her out. I have been in talks with her to try to change the course of our marriage and I am really at the point of just looking at a divorce. I just don't know. I am so confused. Some of you make it seem like it is salvageable, I just cannot see past the fog right now.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

I only mentioned this about me because you asked, in some quite justified frustration at some of the responses, "doesn't anyone cheat?"

 

Its a risk laden manoeuvre I'd expect. My wife and I knew this about our selves and each other right from the get go, so whilst we still needed to have a discussion about it, we came from a place that had already more or less normalised the practise.

 

Having this conversation, sort of 'out of the blue' would be an enormous challenge I think.

 

I did mention it and was met with the question of if I cheated on her. I said no and I calmed her down and started to talk to her about our relationship and where it is likely headed. She once again jumped on the "I will change" wagon, but it is always short-lived.

 

Thank you for following up with me.

[RiskyTear]

yes and no anwser right?

 

No.

 

Till death do us part or get a divorce.

 

I am starting to get closer to the divorce word decision. Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

So I figure I owe all of you an update. I mean you all have been so great to listen to me and share some solutions.

 

I am in talks with my wife about the suggestions of losing weight and buying the right type of foods. I also gave her an ultimatum to lose weight or I am leaving. I told her I cannot stay unattracted to her as going on like this is unhealthy for the both of us. I told her I did not marry an obese woman and there is no medical reason for her weight to look past it. For the sake of this forum, I decided to hold on a little longer before I make a decision to cheat or divorce. I am going to try putting some more effort in, but it pains me again to try.

 

I have no idea what I am going to do at work, since one of the three other women I talk with daily is really pushing for my affection. I mean she is practically coming into work with a mini-skirt and a tight top regularly and I know she is doing it because of me. For the guys reading this, you know what I am talking about when it comes to attention.

 

Feel free to chime in whenever you want. I just wanted to let you all know I am going to try because of you.

 

Thank you.

[Ladybird78]

Hello

 

Should I cheat is like a yes and no response. I live in the United Kingdom and the context of my question is related to being married over 15 years with three teenage kids and having a wife I am no longer physically attracted to. I do care about her, but I am not even sure I love her the same anymore. I have women everyday around me trying to be with me, but I have been fighting within myself to hold on like a roller coaster.

 

My wife is nearly 120 pounds over the married weight and refuses to take care of herself. Numerous requests are met with verbal agreement, but no action. She only stayed obese after our last child and chooses not to change.

 

I cannot please her anymore because of the attraction part. I am not turned on like I used to be and it shows as soon as we start anything physical.

 

If I leave her, I lose a lot. If I stay and cheat, I still have the family and still have my sex life. I work out a lot and I am in fantastic shape. I just feel so damn empty without my partner and what has happened between us. I am thinking that cheating is the only way, but it does feel very wrong and I really do not want to do it. I am just not sure how else to cope.

 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

 

RT

 

Cheating isn't the answer. If you cheat on your wife and she finds out, you will lose a lot then too. You will cause complete devastation, not only to your wife, but your entire family, your children as well. If you want to go outside of your marriage, LEAVE first. You asume you won't get caught.

 

I would recommend you sit down and have a hard talk with your wife about what you've said here. Tell her how you feel. Communication is important.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Ladybird78

[Mumbles]

Thanks for coming back to the thread RiskyTear

 

I am in talks with my wife about the suggestions of losing weight and buying the right type of foods. I also gave her an ultimatum to lose weight or I am leaving.

 

Wow! Gutsy move that. Good lord, I can only imagine how hard that conversation must have been to have.

 

Honestly is usually the best policy, no doubt, but seriously overweight people are also (normally) well aware of it and are _extremely_ sensitive to a conversation about it that hits them right between the eyes.

 

So, ultimatum set ... how long has she got? What is the measure of 'acceptable' attractiveness?

 

I'm using provocative language there and on purpose. I wish you both all the best, of course, or I'd not be posting, but I'm genuinely interested in how such an ultimatum actually looks.

 

Ultimatums, in my view anyway, have to be a bit like KPI's at work ... rigidly defined without wiggle room It would be completely unfair, for example, to say, "you've got 6 months for me to find you attractive", a more reasonable measure might be, "in 6 months you need to have dropped 60KG" ... or whatever measure is acceptable ... still pretty fine ice though in either case.

 

 

I told her I cannot stay unattracted to her as going on like this is unhealthy for the both of us. I told her I did not marry an obese woman and there is no medical reason for her weight to look past it. For the sake of this forum, I decided to hold on a little longer before I make a decision to cheat or divorce. I am going to try putting some more effort in, but it pains me again to try.

 

Yes, because you are already at the end of your tether ... understand.

 

Still, more power to you for going the distance here.

 

I have no idea what I am going to do at work, since one of the three other women I talk with daily is really pushing for my affection. I mean she is practically coming into work with a mini-skirt and a tight top regularly and I know she is doing it because of me. For the guys reading this, you know what I am talking about when it comes to attention.

 

Leave it. You're starving and this woman is a plate full of delicious nacho cheese, but, given you're chat with your wife, you can't go there and you can't string her along for 6-12 months either. Leave it, de-escalate in the nicest way you can.

 

Luckily, the world is bursting full of lovely women, so if the worst happens, you'll have your choices ... this woman is not the last cookie left in the jar by any means whatsoever.

 

Feel free to chime in whenever you want. I just wanted to let you all know I am going to try because of you.

 

Is can be a surprising place this ... LS. I've said many times that the people here changed my life and helped me through probably the most difficult stage of life I'd ever faced up to that point. Glad its given you some insight and something to think about too