Should I cheat?

[aileD]

Be careful what you wish for

[Cymbeline]

You will feel much better about ending a marriage if you have done your best to salvage it first.

 

She needs a clear indication of how strongly you feel. She needs some therapy as obesity is a mental health issue: she is addicted toneating to comfort herself and to take away some sadness she is feeling: loss of identity perhaps if she is at home with children? They are lovely but motherhood is awfully repetitive in many ways.

 

I'd say marriage counselling is a must too. You would be surprised at what comes out in the wash.

 

Then if all that fails, leave.

[William]

Since there is no affair going on, moved to MLP and I'll remind members to remain focused on the topic of 'Should I cheat?' and the relevant marriage involved. Thanks!

[BaileyB]

No.

 

If you don't love her anymore and the problems in your marriage can not be solved, then divorce.

 

Cheating will not help solve the problems in your marriage. It will only create more problems, and destroy more lives.

 

It's a matter of character and personal integrity.

[SammySammy]

Why cheat?

 

Cheating implies dishonesty and deception.

 

Just be a man about it. Tell her you're going to find another lover and deal with the consequences.

 

You don't have to lie or "cheat". Be honest.

[waterwoman]

No. Simple answer.

 

I suspect you need to really lay it on the line - that you love her but you are finding intimacy difficult because she has gained such a lot of weight and that you crave that intimacy. If she can't make some efforts to get healthy your marriage is in jeopardy.

 

I would also suggest that depression is playing a part - depressed people aren't all moping around bemoaning their unhappiness or slashing their wrists with a blade! Often the biggest symptom is tiredness and lack of energy. And the frustrating thing is that best way to beat depression is to get up, out and get moving! And boy is that hard to do....

 

If your marriage has to end, so be it, but don't give up without making an effort and above all don't cheat - all that will do is make the end of your marriage even more painful for everyone than it needs to be, when she finds out.

[Maggie4]

Btw, talk to your wife but think hard about what to say first. Better yet, try marriage counseling. Ask yourself, do you still l

[harrybrown]

I hope you decide not to cheat.

 

Remember that these other ladies could be married or have a SO.

 

You would be surprised how angry her husband will be at you.

 

And you could put yourself in physical danger, when he hires someone to take care of you.

 

You would use protecttion right to avoid stds?

 

I doubt that you would use protection. So how would you feel introducing your new child to your other children? And your poor wife that has had her heart torn in two?

[Maggie4]

Ask yourself, do you still love your wife? I don't recommend you saying "I want to be with another woman because you are fat". Afterall, her obesity makes her less sexually appealing, but it is not an excuse to cheat. Love, or lack thereof, is at the heart of this thing. Maybe you can still rekindle that spark in your marriage.

[wmacbride]

Hello

 

Should I cheat is like a yes and no response. I live in the United Kingdom and the context of my question is related to being married over 15 years with three teenage kids and having a wife I am no longer physically attracted to. I do care about her, but I am not even sure I love her the same anymore. I have women everyday around me trying to be with me, but I have been fighting within myself to hold on like a roller coaster.

 

My wife is nearly 120 pounds over the married weight and refuses to take care of herself. Numerous requests are met with verbal agreement, but no action. She only stayed obese after our last child and chooses not to change.

 

I cannot please her anymore because of the attraction part. I am not turned on like I used to be and it shows as soon as we start anything physical.

 

If I leave her, I lose a lot. If I stay and cheat, I still have the family and still have my sex life. I work out a lot and I am in fantastic shape. I just feel so damn empty without my partner and what has happened between us. I am thinking that cheating is the only way, but it does feel very wrong and I really do not want to do it. I am just not sure how else to cope.

 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

 

RT

 

What have you actually done to improve your marriage yourself? You have lots of complaints about your wife, a bug head about your appearance, and said little else about what YOU are doing to help improve your marriage.

 

If we were to ask for her views on your marriage and you, what woudl they be? I expect they woudl be very different than yours.

 

I've got three kids too, and it wasn't easy to get back to my "pre-baby" weight. In fact, the only thing that allowed it to happen is that I developed ulcertaive colitis.

 

Look, if you want to cheat, just admit it and stop using your wife as an excuse for YOUR actions. If she finds out, you will hurt both her and your children deeply, and could blow your fmaily apart in the worst way possible. You okay with telling your kids you broke their om's heart, disrupted their home and likely hurt them to just because you wanted a little action on the side?

[wmacbride]

Op,

what have you done to help support your wife in losing weight? Do you surprise her with a healthy meal, watch the kids while she goes to the gym, offer to go for walks,work in the garden, go swimming, hiking etc. with her?

 

Being a stay at home mom to three kids can be very isolating, especially in a society that tells women they value is diminished if they don't work.

[Ahurtgirl]

Any chance she would agree to an open marriage? If there is no deception and she okays it, your not risking anything. My ex husband was gay so he knew about my affair partner. The problem was that my ex mm had a wife that apparently was not okay with him having numerous affair partners. So if she does okay an open relationship, make sure the person you are going to be involved with has an open marriage as well.

[usa1ah]

My wife does not work. She stays at home all day taking care of the house and such. She can easily go to the gym or exercise, but does not. She might have some depression, but nothing I can tell from the outside. She seems pretty content, but does voice her concerns on intimacy with me as well.

 

I do not want to cheat, but I feel like without that part of affection I am feeling like a loser. I am not asking for permission, more than I am asking for other ways to see the situation. Some of the ideas here are starting to help, but I just want to exhaust my options before I do or do not cheat.

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

Did she actually just give up on being fit?

 

Sit down and talk with her. Offer help, it is not healthy to be that over weight. Let her know you love her but the weight is a issue for you. You have kept yourself fit for her and you expected the same from her. Be honest about it.

 

Or just start taking her to the gym with you. Give it six months and decide then.

[Popsicle]

The only time I endorse cheating is if it's a revenge affair. Otherwise man up and dump your wife if you're unhappy and she's unresponsive.

[mightycpa]

I am placing a huge bet. But if the outcome is the same in terms of divorce, then it seems like I am just worrying about how people see me.

 

Thank you for the reply!

Your kids will hate you a lot less for divorce than they will if you show them you're a cheat. Those are the people's opinions you should be worried about.b

[spanz1]

you sound like a person to whom a woman's attractiveness and sexiness is very important. Nothing wrong with that, but it will lead to an impass if your wife is fat and slovenly and not even trying to lose weight.

 

So divorce has already been recommended. How about asking her for a hall pass to find a girl friend? The only alternative is to divorce anyway, so what do you have to lose? Either she will give you a hall pass, or she will snap the heck out of it and try to lose weight OR the divorce option will become more urgent.

[RiskyTear]

Those women that are trying to be with you, are not just going away quietly after you hook up with them. You'll find the mistress a lot harder to handle than your wife, because the mistress can ruin you any minute and she knows it. So it will likely end badly after first putting you through hell.

After your teenagers are a bit older, your wife may suddenly leave you anyway, since you are no longer needed for child rearing purposes. Better start talking to her soon. Be honest. And you may get back that partner for life.

 

I never looked at it like a mistress. Hard to imagine what it might look like if I was ruined. I just think divorce is imminent once all my kids are grown because what else are we going to do. Basically, what I am saying is how long can I have a non-sex life? I feel like the man is made to suffer if their wife turns unattractive. I probably would accept it if it was some medical condition, but it is not a medical condition.

 

It is not that I do not want to be with my wife. I want to. I just can't basically get my engine going when we are together. With other women, I am like a whole other person and I am ready to go! I just have not cheated on her, so I have no idea what that would look like or feel like.

 

Thank you for the reply! I do appreciate it.

[RiskyTear]

If you were to share these thoughts with your wife... what kind of effect do you think it might have on her?

 

Do you think she would kick you out? Do you think it would help her to take better care of herself? Do you think it would devastate her and cause more depression?

 

What do you think?

 

Because the choice you make to cheat will destroy her. Divorce will hurt no doubt about it... but I don't believe divorce destroys a person the way finding out a person cheated on you does.... and chances are... the choice to cheat may very well end in divorce.

 

Have you taken your wife to a dr. In most countries 120 pounds over weight qualifies for surgery and medication. When you have to lose a whole person... it is overwhelming.

 

Have you tried to help her? Have you asked her to go with you to the hymn? Or to take a walk around the block? You can help be her motivation instead of throwing her away because you no longer find her attractive. We all just want to be loved for who we are... the way we are.

 

I cannot tell my wife I am thinking of cheating on her. I was thinking of telling her it is ok to cheat on me. In reality, she would be upset and probably start monitoring everything I am doing so she could justify some well-played divorce. I guess I am trying to stay two-steps ahead, but I feel like ultimately I am losing no matter what choice I make.

 

I never took my wife to the doctor. I guess that is another option. I would have to ask her. It just seems like whenever I bring up the weight issue, she gets all upset with me and makes excuses.

 

My wife and I do not do anything together except raise the kids. I barely go out with her because she is too attached the children. She worries more about the house burning down than she does about our marriage. She is perfect in so many other ways, except for the one way that got my attention in the first place. It may sound shallow, but attraction is important to me.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

Have you thought that maybe it's a spiral...

 

You're not attracted..no intimacy..she feels it...eats depression etc...takes less physical and emotional care of herself....you're not attracted..

 

It's all connected. You both prob feel the same thing and want the same thing but don't know how to express it, or get it from eachother.

 

I think you are right. I am sure this is an action and re-action concept. However, I think I have done the right thing by keeping myself in shape and still looking good for her. I am less affectionate to her, no doubt that. I just can't see me lying and trying to be affectionate.

 

I am not getting from her what I should be in the intimacy department, but everything else is fine. This is why I started being curious about cheating.

 

Thank you for the reply.

[RiskyTear]

What does your wife say when you tell her that you have these thoughts and why?

 

How clear have you been with her that these things about her are depressing you to the point that you are considering divorce, or worse, cheating? My guess is that you haven't at all.

 

You said that she mentions wanting to do something about it, but doesn't....why don't you try helping her? offer to meal plan and prep with her, offer to go for a walk, etc.

 

but she definitely has to know that this is affecting you this greatly...Right now, she assumes that you love her unconditionally, she might have a hard time changing for both of you, without knowing how you really feel.

 

I agree she is probably depressed.

 

I have mentioned divorce to her and she has mentioned it to me. Ultimately we keep saying that we are going to work passed it and hopefully over time things will get better.

 

I guess a meal plan would help, but she cooks for the kids and she ends up eating all their sugary food too. She looks like she makes attempts in the morning, but by the evening she had consumed a lot more.

 

I agree she probably believes the unconditional love. I just think I am being used. I can try talking to her again, but this has been going on for many years and only recently I started to question my vows.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

How have you expressed to your wife your concerns about her weight? Cheating is not the answer. It will only bring more problems and destroy your wife. And yourself.

 

Yes. She deflects the weight issue and regularly promises me that she will work on it.

 

If she were motivated to lose the weight, I could see myself at least being more supportive and romantic.

[RiskyTear]

You are assuming divorce would be harder because you are making the false assumption that you won't be caught cheating.

 

Let's assume you WILL be caught cheating - divorcing her first, before doing ANYTHING, will actually be a show of your integrity. You will have maintained your commitments as a man and a husband, as ironic as that sounds.

 

If you speak with her first and say how much this is affecting you, to the point that you are willing to divorce her so that you can move on, and she still does nothing about the situation, that is another point in your favor. You will have been forthright, honest, and given her the chance to make a change.

 

A person who tries to have it all will end up with nothing.

 

You are looking for an easy way out and there is none. The only way out is THROUGH.

 

 

It sounds like you are telling me to just make an ultimatum and stick by it. It would be interesting to see her reaction, but once I go down this rabbit hole, I am not sure what the end result will look like. Would this drive us further apart or make us stronger? Rubbing it in her face about divorce is just something I am going to have to make a game plan for. I am just not sure I am ready to make a divorce happen if this can be salvaged.

 

Thank you for the reply!

[RiskyTear]

NO! Do not cheat. It may destroy you, your wife, your children, and the OW you cheat with.

Talk to her or divorce her. Or both.

I cheated and wish I had not.

 

Just curious, when you cheated did anything positive come out of it? Did you rekindle the relationship or make some changes and still stay together?

[RiskyTear]

I may be in the minority but I believe staying fit and attractive for your mate is important.

 

I think it's unfair of her to gain over a hundred pounds (that's almost another person) and you are expected to just accept it.

 

But I also wonder how it is that you are fantastically fit and she is morbidly obese.

 

She's depressed no doubt about it and she needs help. She needs to see a doctor.

 

As for you choosing to cheat because all these women are chasing you, please...

 

See your wife through this and it will make you proud of who you are. The cheating will just make you a liar and ashamed of yourself.

 

Sit her down and really talk to her. Get her help no one happily wants to carry around that weight.

 

First, I assume you are a female and you are talking about my wife making it unfair to me to be gaining over 100 pounds. You are so correct. Thank you. You are right, I cannot accept it. I have watched over the years this slow progression of her gaining weight. It did not happen overnight.

 

She should see a doctor about depression, but I am not sure she would consider it. I have to ask her. I just know her too well and she will tell me that I am depressed too and I need to go also. Making this all about her makes her think I am trying to control her I think.

 

I am already kind of ashamed I married her, not because she is not the perfect woman in my life for so many other things, but rather because I feel like she lied to me and now she is using me in the process to keep growing. I am at the point of wondering how big she will be by next year and in five-years.

 

I have to come up with something to sit her down.

 

Thank you for the advice!

[RiskyTear]

You will feel much better about ending a marriage if you have done your best to salvage it first.

 

She needs a clear indication of how strongly you feel. She needs some therapy as obesity is a mental health issue: she is addicted toneating to comfort herself and to take away some sadness she is feeling: loss of identity perhaps if she is at home with children? They are lovely but motherhood is awfully repetitive in many ways.

 

I'd say marriage counselling is a must too. You would be surprised at what comes out in the wash.

 

Then if all that fails, leave.

 

Your advice is very insightful. I guess she does eat for comfort. I wish I knew more about her being sad because she does not come across that way to me. I am starting to see marriage counseling as an option. I have no idea how she will react to that. Of course, is the counselor a man or woman, because to me that is another question she and I will both have when it comes to taking sides.

 

Thank you for the reply!