Should I cheat?

[Mumbles]

Thanks for coming back to the thread RiskyTear

 

I am in talks with my wife about the suggestions of losing weight and buying the right type of foods. I also gave her an ultimatum to lose weight or I am leaving.

 

Wow! Gutsy move that. Good lord, I can only imagine how hard that conversation must have been to have.

 

Honestly is usually the best policy, no doubt, but seriously overweight people are also (normally) well aware of it and are _extremely_ sensitive to a conversation about it that hits them right between the eyes.

 

So, ultimatum set ... how long has she got? What is the measure of 'acceptable' attractiveness?

 

I'm using provocative language there and on purpose. I wish you both all the best, of course, or I'd not be posting, but I'm genuinely interested in how such an ultimatum actually looks.

 

Ultimatums, in my view anyway, have to be a bit like KPI's at work ... rigidly defined without wiggle room It would be completely unfair, for example, to say, "you've got 6 months for me to find you attractive", a more reasonable measure might be, "in 6 months you need to have dropped 60KG" ... or whatever measure is acceptable ... still pretty fine ice though in either case.

 

 

I told her I cannot stay unattracted to her as going on like this is unhealthy for the both of us. I told her I did not marry an obese woman and there is no medical reason for her weight to look past it. For the sake of this forum, I decided to hold on a little longer before I make a decision to cheat or divorce. I am going to try putting some more effort in, but it pains me again to try.

 

Yes, because you are already at the end of your tether ... understand.

 

Still, more power to you for going the distance here.

 

I have no idea what I am going to do at work, since one of the three other women I talk with daily is really pushing for my affection. I mean she is practically coming into work with a mini-skirt and a tight top regularly and I know she is doing it because of me. For the guys reading this, you know what I am talking about when it comes to attention.

 

Leave it. You're starving and this woman is a plate full of delicious nacho cheese, but, given you're chat with your wife, you can't go there and you can't string her along for 6-12 months either. Leave it, de-escalate in the nicest way you can.

 

Luckily, the world is bursting full of lovely women, so if the worst happens, you'll have your choices ... this woman is not the last cookie left in the jar by any means whatsoever.

 

Feel free to chime in whenever you want. I just wanted to let you all know I am going to try because of you.

 

Is can be a surprising place this ... LS. I've said many times that the people here changed my life and helped me through probably the most difficult stage of life I'd ever faced up to that point. Glad its given you some insight and something to think about too

[Phoenician]

People who gets a divorce and seek a new life will be in general happier if they are not attached to their kids ; if they are attached and love their kids they will end up shooting themselves in the foot ; because rarely a new partner will be able to share carrying a heavy load.

 

I don't think your problem with your wife is just sexual , if you both care and respect each other you will be able to find a mid way ; the issue is beyond her overweight ; you are expecting a sexual satisfaction that she can't give emotianally

 

Reaching myself separation situation that will eventually lead to divorce ; I can't tell you cheat or not ; I can tell you that don't think that when you cheat you will be able to survive a sexless or rocky marriage in a better way ; it is worse , it will exponentially speed the process.

 

 

 

The formula is simple ; are you attached to your kids and divorce is painfull on you ?

[lucy_in_disguise]

I have a lot of respect for you for having the self-control to seek help here, try to reason through your feelings, and talk to your wife rather than letting yourself get carried away with the affair. Having been on LS long enough, I understand how tempting the situation must be.

 

Since you have three daughters, I'lol share something from my childhood to give you more incentive not to stray.

 

My dad had a a short affair when I was 14. It was the summer before I started high school, and I view it as the single event that caused me to lose my innocence and propel me on a new life path. I don't know what was going on in my parents' marriage before that, but as hard as they tried to shield me from the details that summer, I understood perfectly what was going on then. Except, I didn't. I didn't understand how my beloved father could possibly be this horrible person, too. I didn't understand how I could love him and hate him so much at the same time. I still remember the feeling I had that whole summer, like being stuck in a nightmare, trying to scream and not being able to make a sound. Crying so much I ran out of tears and learned to cry from the inside, so nothing came out.

 

My parents reconciled and have gone on to have a generally happy marriage. I entered high school a different girl than the all-star mathlete graduating at the top of her class from 8th grade. My cynicism wasn't limited to relationship- I saw no point in any of the constructs of society. I started skipping school. I started experimenting with drugs. I sought out dangerous situations to help justify how horrible I felt inside. Typical teen stuff, maybe, but what if the affair had never happened, allowing me to keep my innocence a little longer? Maybe I would have enjoyed football games, dances, after school activities, all the trappings of high school. Maybe I would have joined a sports team instead of cutting school to smoke pot. Maybe I would have shared my first kiss with a nice boyfriend instead of an older guy I met on ICQ whom I assured I didn't believe in monogamy. Maybe I would have aimed to get into a good college and not let my GPA sink to a 1.9. The affair burdened me with so many conflicting emotions that took years to process - years that set my life on a different path.

 

Now that I am in my 30's, I understand what happened. I've forgiven my parents long ago, and I am happy they managed to repair their relationship. But I still regret my lost youth. It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I shook off my cynicism and depression. I am still making up for the poor choices I made as a teen. Now that I am getting to that age where I'm considering having my own kids, affairs are one experience I will do my best to shield them from. There are no easy choices in an unhappy relationship, but more honorable options than an affair.

 

Just some more food for thought.

Edited June 13, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

[stillafool]

So I figure I owe all of you an update. I mean you all have been so great to listen to me and share some solutions.

 

I am in talks with my wife about the suggestions of losing weight and buying the right type of foods. I also gave her an ultimatum to lose weight or I am leaving. I told her I cannot stay unattracted to her as going on like this is unhealthy for the both of us. I told her I did not marry an obese woman and there is no medical reason for her weight to look past it. For the sake of this forum, I decided to hold on a little longer before I make a decision to cheat or divorce. I am going to try putting some more effort in, but it pains me again to try.

 

I have no idea what I am going to do at work, since one of the three other women I talk with daily is really pushing for my affection. I mean she is practically coming into work with a mini-skirt and a tight top regularly and I know she is doing it because of me. For the guys reading this, you know what I am talking about when it comes to attention.

 

Feel free to chime in whenever you want. I just wanted to let you all know I am going to try because of you.

 

Thank you.

 

What was your wife's response to the talk?

 

I understand how you feel as sex and intimacy is important to most people. I disagree that you should take your wife to the doctor as she is home all day and has to take some responsibility for her own health and for the health of her marriage. Since your kids are teenagers now maybe she should go back to work instead of sitting in the house all day where she probably eats most of the day. She has time to go the doctor, work out, shop right and make healthy meals for her family. This is not all your fault. I know lots of women who have had 3 kids and still put in the effort to stay fit. Your wife isn't even trying. Cheating is certainly not the answer for you. If you had an affair with your work mate you will end up falling in love with her, shouldering guilt and pretty much be more miserable than you are now. If you just can't take it anymore then ask for a divorce and carry on with your life. Cheating is definitely not the answer.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Another thing to consider is whether you have already crossed the line into an EA with this other woman. If so, making a real effort, and even losing some weight may not be enough for you to check back in and be happy in your marriage. People in an affair can find faults just about anywhere that can be turned into justifications to leave/ cheat.

 

I think it is totally reasonable for you to expect your wife to take care of herself as a condition of staying together, however, you should keep in mind that it may not be enough. You may need to address the deeper issues and built-up resentments before you get to a place where you're truly happy.

 

As far as the ultimatum and helping her to lose weight, I think you need to be clear about your expectations. Are you looking for a specific weight loss goal or changes in behaivior? How much/ what timeline? Given that she is 120 lbs overweight, I disagree with the previous poster that she "should" be able to do it by herself. "Should" isn't helpful in producing meaningful results, but enlisting a doctor, nutritionalist, personal trainer, and/or marriage counsellor can help her make the big changes, stay motivated and focused, and be accountable. There is no shame in seeking help.

[stillafool]

Also the married woman you work with may be attractive but she certainly is no prize. She is trying hard to cheat on her husband and cause hurt to another woman's life and family by trying to seduce you. That is tramp behavior and if you did get involved with her she certainly can't be trusted.

[LoverofWrestling]

Personally, I think you're a piece of scum if you cheat.

[RiskyTear]

People who gets a divorce and seek a new life will be in general happier if they are not attached to their kids ; if they are attached and love their kids they will end up shooting themselves in the foot ; because rarely a new partner will be able to share carrying a heavy load.

 

I don't think your problem with your wife is just sexual , if you both care and respect each other you will be able to find a mid way ; the issue is beyond her overweight ; you are expecting a sexual satisfaction that she can't give emotianally

 

Reaching myself separation situation that will eventually lead to divorce ; I can't tell you cheat or not ; I can tell you that don't think that when you cheat you will be able to survive a sexless or rocky marriage in a better way ; it is worse , it will exponentially speed the process.

 

 

 

The formula is simple ; are you attached to your kids and divorce is painfull on you ?

 

Hi Phoenician,

 

Divorce is going to hurt. I love, love, love, love my children. This whole thing has been tearing me apart. I told my wife that I cannot go on with more and more years of the same thing. I mean something has to change!

 

Cheating, unfortunately, is more real to me than ever before. I am so confused.

 

Thank you.

[RiskyTear]

What was your wife's response to the talk?

 

I understand how you feel as sex and intimacy is important to most people. I disagree that you should take your wife to the doctor as she is home all day and has to take some responsibility for her own health and for the health of her marriage. Since your kids are teenagers now maybe she should go back to work instead of sitting in the house all day where she probably eats most of the day. She has time to go the doctor, work out, shop right and make healthy meals for her family. This is not all your fault. I know lots of women who have had 3 kids and still put in the effort to stay fit. Your wife isn't even trying. Cheating is certainly not the answer for you. If you had an affair with your work mate you will end up falling in love with her, shouldering guilt and pretty much be more miserable than you are now. If you just can't take it anymore then ask for a divorce and carry on with your life. Cheating is definitely not the answer.

 

Stillafool,

 

She seemed very willing, but nothing drastic has happened thus far. I have seen this all before: she starts something and never finishes it. I am just coming to wits end. A divorce is painful and I am a coward on the issue.

 

Thank you for responding.

[RiskyTear]

I have a lot of respect for you for having the self-control to seek help here, try to reason through your feelings, and talk to your wife rather than letting yourself get carried away with the affair. Having been on LS long enough, I understand how tempting the situation must be.

 

Since you have three daughters, I'lol share something from my childhood to give you more incentive not to stray.

 

My dad had a a short affair when I was 14. It was the summer before I started high school, and I view it as the single event that caused me to lose my innocence and propel me on a new life path. I don't know what was going on in my parents' marriage before that, but as hard as they tried to shield me from the details that summer, I understood perfectly what was going on then. Except, I didn't. I didn't understand how my beloved father could possibly be this horrible person, too. I didn't understand how I could love him and hate him so much at the same time. I still remember the feeling I had that whole summer, like being stuck in a nightmare, trying to scream and not being able to make a sound. Crying so much I ran out of tears and learned to cry from the inside, so nothing came out.

 

My parents reconciled and have gone on to have a generally happy marriage. I entered high school a different girl than the all-star mathlete graduating at the top of her class from 8th grade. My cynicism wasn't limited to relationship- I saw no point in any of the constructs of society. I started skipping school. I started experimenting with drugs. I sought out dangerous situations to help justify how horrible I felt inside. Typical teen stuff, maybe, but what if the affair had never happened, allowing me to keep my innocence a little longer? Maybe I would have enjoyed football games, dances, after school activities, all the trappings of high school. Maybe I would have joined a sports team instead of cutting school to smoke pot. Maybe I would have shared my first kiss with a nice boyfriend instead of an older guy I met on ICQ whom I assured I didn't believe in monogamy. Maybe I would have aimed to get into a good college and not let my GPA sink to a 1.9. The affair burdened me with so many conflicting emotions that took years to process - years that set my life on a different path.

 

Now that I am in my 30's, I understand what happened. I've forgiven my parents long ago, and I am happy they managed to repair their relationship. But I still regret my lost youth. It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I shook off my cynicism and depression. I am still making up for the poor choices I made as a teen. Now that I am getting to that age where I'm considering having my own kids, affairs are one experience I will do my best to shield them from. There are no easy choices in an unhappy relationship, but more honorable options than an affair.

 

Just some more food for thought.

 

Hi Lucy,

 

You are right it does not make a lost of sense when you are a child seeing this kind of thing taking place. I just wonder why you never asked your Dad why he cheated? Married men do not cheat because they want to, they cheat because they have to. As a married man, I recognize strongly the commitment I made and the commitment my wife made. However, that does not lend itself toward being treated less than what you once were in the relationship.

 

My wife barely touches me. She provides next to nothing in the affection department and when there is affection, the little that comes, I am turned off from the historical pain and disgusted on how outrageous she changed. It seems like she wants me to suffer with her, but I will not.

 

You might blame your parents or your Dad for the paths you took, but justifying your teenage years on something you had no control over does not make it right for you or your future self. You should have not gotten so involved in what was personalized to your parents and instead you did and therefore you got it personalized as well (hence, the pain).

 

I am not saying what your Dad did is right, but I am sure he was thinking to himself what I am going through right now. I never said it is right, but I do think your Dad did what he had to do to feel affection again. We all want to be loved and cared about, what he was not getting from your Mom may have come from somewhere else.

 

Again, I am not justifying his behavior, but coming from a married man ready to cheat, I can only imagine his rationality.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and responding.

[RiskyTear]

I only mentioned this about me because you asked, in some quite justified frustration at some of the responses, "doesn't anyone cheat?"

 

Its a risk laden manoeuvre I'd expect. My wife and I knew this about our selves and each other right from the get go, so whilst we still needed to have a discussion about it, we came from a place that had already more or less normalised the practise.

 

Having this conversation, sort of 'out of the blue' would be an enormous challenge I think.

 

Let's just say it failed miserably and caused more problems than I thought. In fact, I am still hearing about it.

[JHandy]

Get a divorce lose you're stuff and move on as quickly as you can.

 

Don't cheat.

 

First, if she catches you cheating you will lose everything.

 

Second, she has issues she's not willing to address. My exwife had the same issues. Unless she's willing to make the most of her life, there is little you can do living a happy life. You're kinda stuck.

 

I didn't cheat on my ex, but I wanted to. After we separated and committed to a divorce I met my current wife. She attempted to use this to cast blame. It didn't work fully, but she got the kids the house and all property that I didn't have with me. I got all the debt and had to pay marital and child support.

 

You have two choices. Give it up and just live with your kids and your wife and put sex out of your mind. Or get an amicable divorce where you don't lose so much but can still be part of your kids lives.

 

If I had life to do over, I would have gotten a divorce sooner. My ex never tried. It was worse than stagnant.

 

I understand your thinking and from the vantage point you are at, it's hard to see clearly. There is a lot of stuff that can fail for you if you cheat. You will absolutely fail your kids. You don't want to do that. These women who are interested in you will likely be so for a short time. You could fail yourself and be terribly lonely.

Edited June 30, 2017 by JHandy
Adding stuff

[TrustedthenBusted]

Go ahead and cheat. Everyone else does.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Go ahead and cheat. Everyone else does.

 

 

well everyone else does not cheat...but if you are thinking about it seriously enough to come to a forum of strangers to ask the question.,..should i cheat?

 

It probably really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks ...you are going to do what you want to do regardless

 

I really dont understand asking internet strangers should i cheat and what you really expect them to say

[ahmed8xm]

You seriously do not understand the blessing of a faithful woman

 

Even if she is not physically attractive.

 

Just talk to her peacefully

An argument never helps

 

And place yourself in her shoes

 

What would you do if you were the fat guy and she was a attractuve wife

Who doesnt find you attractive.

Do you want your wife to leave you in bad situation

 

Dont make excuses to cheat

[TrustedthenBusted]

well everyone else does not cheat...but if you are thinking about it seriously enough to come to a forum of strangers to ask the question.,..should i cheat?

 

It probably really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks ...you are going to do what you want to do regardless

 

I really dont understand asking internet strangers should i cheat and what you really expect them to say

 

This is precisely why I gave the answer I gave. It's the one he wanted. He wasn't looking for an answer. He was looking for a justification, so I gave the best one I could think of.

 

As for the number of people who DO cheat. I think it's very very high. I think anyone who is consistently ABLE to cheat, likely will at some point. The number of people who ADMIT it is very high. Once you factor in all the people who don't admit it... my guess is it's way up there.