Any hope for change

[Fresnite]

Hello,

 

Some of you are familiar with me, others don't know I'm crazy yet lol. Ok So this post is like my ultimate post because since joining this site I've read a lot of posts and asked a lot of advice which I've benefited from greatly.

 

I seem to have a huge character flaw though that makes me push woman away but I can't help doing it even after they repeatedly let me know.....

 

So I come off as pushy because I ask certain questions or I repeat myself or a situation and wanna talk about stuff that has already past.

 

Like my current girl, we can be doing amazing together and we are smiling and having fun and happy, then i can ask a stupid question about something that was already said/asked/answered and she gets upset because it's like I'm not listening and/or I'm not letting stuff go by moving on.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't help it. It's seriously ruining me, my past 3 girls i was trying to get with this past month have failed because of this, each one was about a week until it collapsed. I start out amazing and they are attracted to me physically and like my intelligence, they let me know blatantly.

 

The current girl is most unique because she lets me know stuff even further and I'm surprised at the insight she is giving me. I can't seem to help myself from learning it though. I keep failing and can't help it. I know what's wrong with me but i can't seem to change it. I keep getting these amazingly attractive and intelligent woman and we click and vibe for like the first two times and its over from there. If we kiss, it's not that I'm apparently an exceptional kisser. I'm intelligent af, but i have no common sense.

 

I feel like I'm constantly losing and i constantly feel fear of loss and rejection. I Have no problem whatsoever finding/meeting woman, but I can't keep them. I feel worthless and I don't feel im good enough when i annoy them and they let me know what's wrong, but i still do it.

 

It's a cycle and the 1st girl out of this month left me for the same reason this current girl is skeptical and getting on me about.

 

Also I'm classified by these woman as a "nice guy" and "care too much" and ask about their feelings or how they are doing. Apparently I'm too emotional in this way?

 

Oh Also i personalise things and apparently make everything about me or related to me.

 

I am a touchy feely guy. I would also admit I am rather needy, which I can't help, but i love attention and i love giving attention. It's not that i don't have anything else to do, its that i want to spend all my time with a woman, because i enjoy it most.

 

I really need a lot of advice on this and feed back please. Be brutally honest. I don't need sugar coating. Thank You

Edited June 5, 2017 by Fresnite

[todreaminblue]

hey fresnite,

 

the first thing i want to say is three girls in the past month signifies to me that you are looking for a relationship more so than feeling a connection with an individual.....

 

a week knowing someone isnt enough for you to consider a loss.....i feel that constant fear you feel of loss and rejection is coloring your interactions with women and they are smellin that fear.....im not a fan of multi dating and i am a fan of taking time between new potential dates to center and recoup.....regroup my inner self confidence..i don't think you are giving yourself enough time in between you know?

 

as far as getting pissed you ask to repeat something has been said...can you give an example....i dont see a big problem with this honestly....i think it simply may be because you come across as anxious.....anxiety is contagious and women might be getting that from you....the touchy feely the effort to please them when you should just try and enjoy the dates instead of worrying about the date and how it is going...you arent being in the moment on the date i would suggest you are pre empting issues that might come up and thats not good....could be why you are actually missing what they are saying which is why i asked for an example of this.......

 

.a lack of self esteem can hit hard......im not the most confident person socially(it comes from lack of confidence in others been thrown under a bus a few times) my ex explained to me that i will probably always feel insecure.....but its how i manage my insecurities that counts......i dont let my fear my anxiety or insecurities stop me from trying.....i can be actually shaking ....my voice even and ill keep going.....i have confidence in me(i know what i give when dating or in relationships i excel in relationships)actually its other people i have a lack of confidence in.....maybe thats your problem too....i feel though that your lack of confidence is internal.....life experiences good and bad give you common sense...you have no choice really you live and you learn......

 

what i do have to say though is you need to be in the moment...not in the past and certainly not in a future you have no idea of what can happen.....take time between dates with other people..if one potential dater doesnt work out take a little time to yourself to re center.....and then try again.....have fun on your dates.....anxious people can date.....i am living proof you just have to manage yourself a bit more.....

 

 

i havent been rejected once i date a guy because i make dates as fun as i can as easy as i can ...and i have been the one to call time or say it isnt working.....its normally because some guy has crossed a boundary with me honestly.....and normally physical.....there are women who give more than a week to know a guy....and that si what i feel you also need a woman who gives you a little time to settle in and feel calmer.....and actually enjoy the dates...they are out there....trust that..i am one....

 

and im not anything other than ordinary....there are many ordinary compassionate and forgiving women thats how women are meant to be....men well....chill be calm and enjoy the date and the time you spend together.... .... keep trying fresnite.........best wishes...deb

Edited June 5, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Fresnite]

Thank you Deb, I missed this reply, never showed up as new for me.

 

I appreciate what you are saying and all of it is true. I am focussing to much on the wrong thing and the past and what the future may be instead of having a good time.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Fresnite, how old are you?

[Fresnite]

Fresnite, how old are you?

 

I'm young, between 19 and 25, the girl i was seeing was between 21 and 23

[clia]

Hello,

So I come off as pushy because I ask certain questions or I repeat myself or a situation and wanna talk about stuff that has already past.

 

Can you give some specific examples of what you mean? I'm not sure I'm following. I mean, it is definitely annoying if a person keeps bringing up the same topics or dwelling on topics excessively, but I'm not sure if that's what you mean.

 

Like my current girl, we can be doing amazing together and we are smiling and having fun and happy, then i can ask a stupid question about something that was already said/asked/answered and she gets upset because it's like I'm not listening and/or I'm not letting stuff go by moving on.

 

Why did you ask the question?

 

Also I'm classified by these woman as a "nice guy" and "care too much" and ask about their feelings or how they are doing. Apparently I'm too emotional in this way?

 

Getting into all of this stuff on the first or second date is way too soon and can be a turn off. You need to learn to pace yourself.

 

Oh Also i personalise things and apparently make everything about me or related to me.

 

What do you mean by this? Example?

 

I am a touchy feely guy. I would also admit I am rather needy, which I can't help, but i love attention and i love giving attention. It's not that i don't have anything else to do, its that i want to spend all my time with a woman, because i enjoy it most.

 

Then you need to find an equally needy, touchy feely woman. You just haven't found the right one yet.

[Fresnite]

Can you give some specific examples of what you mean? I'm not sure I'm following. I mean, it is definitely annoying if a person keeps bringing up the same topics or dwelling on topics excessively, but I'm not sure if that's what you mean.

 

YES

 

Why did you ask the question?

 

Because it was bothering me and I was ruminating

 

Getting into all of this stuff on the first or second date is way too soon and can be a turn off. You need to learn to pace yourself.

 

 

 

What do you mean by this? Example?

 

 

 

Then you need to find an equally needy, touchy feely woman. You just haven't found the right one yet.

 

Thanks for your reply, to some of your questions i answered them in your quote in BOLD

 

And I personalise by if something ambiguous is being stated i infer it to be about me. When she was yelling/scolding me I told her it's ok I'm not upset that she is yelling at me. She said it doesn't matter about how I feel, it's not all about me.

 

But yeah, i see i failed. I just failed. ...

Edited June 6, 2017 by Fresnite

[Gaeta]

I'm young, between 19 and 25, the girl i was seeing was between 21 and 23

 

Why do you give such a vague answer to a straight question? How old are you?

 

Also when a poster asked you a specific example of the questions you go back to, you didn't answer with examples.

 

Can you please give us specific examples of questions you asked and that you later on asked again and it got the girl upset.

 

Thank you

[Fresnite]

Why do you give such a vague answer to a straight question? How old are you?

 

Also when a poster asked you a specific example of the questions you go back to, you didn't answer with examples.

 

Can you please give us specific examples of questions you asked and that you later on asked again and it got the girl upset.

 

Thank you

 

Well in my very first post ever on this forum, i stated my age, but i don't think there is a difference from 19 to 25, also let's just say I'm to young and naive. Not a virgin, but naive lol.

 

Well as for examples, i did give examples already in earlier posts and i included an example to one of them in response, the one i just said yes too is because he already said it in his post so im saying they are correct.

 

I can't remember specific details of what i said and asked, to me they were so small and trivial they weren't that important, i was looking more for reassurance i guess. But an example is i kept asking if she was alright and if everything was ok because to me it appeared not to be, but she exploded on me saying this is the bad thing with nice guys, they try to hard to make sure everything is ok when nothing is wrong.

[Gaeta]

Well in my very first post ever on this forum, i stated my age, but i don't think there is a difference from 19 to 25, also let's just say I'm to young and naive. Not a virgin, but naive lol.

 

Well as for examples, i did give examples already in earlier posts and i included an example to one of them in response, the one i just said yes too is because he already said it in his post so im saying they are correct.

 

I can't remember specific details of what i said and asked, to me they were so small and trivial they weren't that important, i was looking more for reassurance i guess. But an example is i kept asking if she was alright and if everything was ok because to me it appeared not to be, but she exploded on me saying this is the bad thing with nice guys, they try to hard to make sure everything is ok when nothing is wrong.

 

Thank you for replying.

 

When you start a new thread it's a good idea to summarize your age and situation. I looked at your history and you posted many threads, many of us don't have time to read all of your history to catch up on who you are. I have been here since 2014 and I still introduce myself if I start a thread just in case new members are reading me.

 

Yes, to me there is a big difference between 19 and 25. The first you are still a teenager in college, the second you're an independent adult possibly with a dating history, some experience, etc. There is 6 years difference between 19 and 25. It's a huge gap.

 

When we constantly ask questions to someone it's indicative we don't trust them and it can get offensive if the person hasn't done anything wrong. If the man I am dating kept asking me if everything is alright I'd get annoyed he does not trust me to tell him if something is the matter AND if he keeps asking me again and again it means he did not believe me last time I told him everything is ok.

 

Do you understand now why it makes women mad? And now that you know why it's offensive and annoying is it possible for you to control it?

 

You also need to understand you cannot control the destiny of a relationship. If it's good it will last, if it's not it will fail and you'll be just fine. Asking someone constantly to repeat something to you will not help the relationship in any way. Just live and let live. If it's meant to be, it will stick together on its own.

[clia]

Again, some more specific examples would be helpful and would likely get you better feedback and advice.

 

There is a world of difference between bringing up the new Wonder Woman movie a few times versus bringing up feelings talk or asking the same question several times. However, since you recognize that this is a problem for you, then you know to stop doing it.

 

I can't remember specific details of what i said and asked, to me they were so small and trivial they weren't that important, i was looking more for reassurance i guess. But an example is i kept asking if she was alright and if everything was ok because to me it appeared not to be, but she exploded on me saying this is the bad thing with nice guys, they try to hard to make sure everything is ok when nothing is wrong.

 

The impression I get is that you are getting "too heavy" in these early dates. Early dates are supposed to be lighthearted and fun. You should not be talking about feelings or bringing up anything remotely deep. It's also super annoying to be constantly asked if everything is okay or if you are all right, so stop doing that. It really makes you come across as insecure. If it seems like a girl isn't having fun or that something is wrong, rather than ask her over and over again if things are okay, change the topic of conversation, suggest doing something else, or just end the date.

[Fresnite]

Early dates are supposed to be lighthearted and fun. It's also super annoying to be constantly asked if everything is okay or if you are all right, so stop doing that. If it seems like a girl isn't having fun or that something is wrong, rather than ask her over and over again if things are okay, change the topic of conversation, suggest doing something else, or just end the date.

 

So on the second date during the latter half, we spent from about 3pm to a little before 12 midnight, so i would say around 7ish?

 

She told me this exact same thing almost word for word when I kept bringing it up. She even told me to take her home, but on walking back to my car she changed her mind and said we can still hang out. Which we did, we went to see a movie, she was clinging to me holding me and touching me before we enter the movie, but during the movie i tried holding her hand she pulled away, i asked if i can put my arm around her she said no it will be awkward/uncomfortable. Earlier on in the beginning of this date, she was also holding my arm as we were walking, prior night she rested her head on my shoulder. But When i brought up about me touching her (i should have just did it and not asked) she told me she has to do it at her own pace. So Its like she can touch me but i can't touch her? Lol. But She spent the movie time sitting away from me. When we left she was ok and was talking with me and smiling talking about earlier and that we need to be patient with each other and we are different when it comes to our thinking and emotional state we need to learn each other more, even though before the movie she said we are both nerds and during dinner she said "we are almost alike.... correction we are alike" in those exact words.

 

But during the drive home she had a headache and she said something about "pot" i asked what she said she said something about "pot" again, i thought she said lets smoke pot. But i wasnt sure, i asked her what she said. She said she doesn't repeat herself more than twice, i asked her to tell me she said again i don't repeat myself more than twice, she told me to let it go, i didn't i kept asking her, then she eventually screamed at me and was yelling at me. I told her I'm not upset or mad at her for yelling and she said She doesn't care if im fine worth it she isn't sorry for yelling and its not always about me. She isn't fine she felt she had to yell at me.

 

Then i dropped her off, i told her i don't want us leaving like this and she said that made it worse because i just can't move on and the let it go, she told me to text her when i get home so she knows i got home safe and we each said night.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So on the second date during the latter half, we spent from about 3pm to a little before 12 midnight, so i would say around 7ish?

 

She told me this exact same thing almost word for word when I kept bringing it up. She even told me to take her home, but on walking back to my car she changed her mind and said we can still hang out. Which we did, we went to see a movie, she was clinging to me holding me and touching me before we enter the movie, but during the movie i tried holding her hand she pulled away, i asked if i can put my arm around her she said no it will be awkward/uncomfortable. Earlier on in the beginning of this date, she was also holding my arm as we were walking, prior night she rested her head on my shoulder. But When i brought up about me touching her (i should have just did it and not asked) she told me she has to do it at her own pace. So Its like she can touch me but i can't touch her? Lol. But She spent the movie time sitting away from me. When we left she was ok and was talking with me and smiling talking about earlier and that we need to be patient with each other and we are different when it comes to our thinking and emotional state we need to learn each other more, even though before the movie she said we are both nerds and during dinner she said "we are almost alike.... correction we are alike" in those exact words.

 

But during the drive home she had a headache and she said something about "pot" i asked what she said she said something about "pot" again, i thought she said lets smoke pot. But i wasnt sure, i asked her what she said. She said she doesn't repeat herself more than twice, i asked her to tell me she said again i don't repeat myself more than twice, she told me to let it go, i didn't i kept asking her, then she eventually screamed at me and was yelling at me. I told her I'm not upset or mad at her for yelling and she said She doesn't care if im fine worth it she isn't sorry for yelling and its not always about me. She isn't fine she felt she had to yell at me.

 

Then i dropped her off, i told her i don't want us leaving like this and she said that made it worse because i just can't move on and the let it go, she told me to text her when i get home so she knows i got home safe and we each said night.

 

So what exactly do you like about this girl??? She doesn't sound very nice!

[Fresnite]

So what exactly do you like about this girl??? She doesn't sound very nice!

 

She is so freaking exotically attractive. She's mixed and like so beautiful, I'm surprised she agreed to go out with me in the first place, her body is thick and amazing. I do like what i know of her and despite the bad part we do click and vibe very well. Its not all about her looks either. She is a doll.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She is so freaking exotically attractive. She's mixed and like so beautiful, I'm surprised she agreed to go out with me in the first place, her body is thick and amazing. I do like what i know of her and despite the bad part we do click and vibe very well. Its not all about her looks either. She is a doll.

 

I think we have different definitions of what that means.

[Fresnite]

I think we have different definitions of what that means.

 

Like I'm not ugly and on both dates she let me know she was attracted. First date we did a thing where we had to mark our names down, she put mine as "cutie" second date we played hangman whet you guess the letters, hers for me was "you are a cutie"

[Gaeta]

There is nothing cute or dolly about this girl. She doesn't even like you she just went out with you because she knows you're into her and she can get anything she wants out of you.

 

Second date and she yells at you? Really? and you don't mind? You need to grow some character and not let anyone treat you this way.

 

If you don't respect yourself no woman will. If you let a woman yell at you and you say it's ok she will not see you as a strong man but as someone malleable with no character.

[Fresnite]

There is nothing cute or dolly about this girl. She doesn't even like you she just went out with you because she knows you're into her and she can get anything she wants out of you.

 

Second date and she yells at you? Really? and you don't mind? You need to grow some character and not let anyone treat you this way.

 

If you don't respect yourself no woman will. If you let a woman yell at you and you say it's ok she will not see you as a strong man but as someone malleable with no character.

 

Well Its because i can see why she did. She calmly let me know a few times, but i kept persisting and didn't stop so that's what happened.

[Gaeta]

Well Its because i can see why she did. She calmly let me know a few times, but i kept persisting and didn't stop so that's what happened.

 

Fresnite: It was not a good reason to yell at you no matter how much you want to excuse her. If she was tired of hearing you she just had to leave.

[spiderowl]

I can sort of see if you keep asking the same questions it could get annoying. The thing is, why are you doing this? Is it a compulsion that you will do anyway? Is it that you don't understand the answer? Are you anxious and not hearing their answer? If a person has answered a question, you need to ask yourself why you are not accepting that. What information is still missing for you? If you know their answer but still ask again, then it sounds like a compulsion maybe due to anxiety about something? Are you feeling very anxious with women?

 

Just a thought but could you be asking these questions over and over in order to provoke a rejection? It might sound silly but the certainty of a rejection might be a kind of relief to you if you are secretly thinking they are going to reject you anyway. If this is the case, then you need to look at why you are assuming women will reject you, rather than simply going along with making it happen.

[Fresnite]

Fresnite: It was not a good reason to yell at you no matter how much you want to excuse her. If she was tired of hearing you she just had to leave.

 

Well she really couldn't i was her ride, and the second time was when i was driving her home

[Fresnite]

I can sort of see if you keep asking the same questions it could get annoying. The thing is, why are you doing this? Is it a compulsion that you will do anyway? Is it that you don't understand the answer? Are you anxious and not hearing their answer? If a person has answered a question, you need to ask yourself why you are not accepting that. What information is still missing for you? If you know their answer but still ask again, then it sounds like a compulsion maybe due to anxiety about something? Are you feeling very anxious with women?

 

Just a thought but could you be asking these questions over and over in order to provoke a rejection? It might sound silly but the certainty of a rejection might be a kind of relief to you if you are secretly thinking they are going to reject you anyway. If this is the case, then you need to look at why you are assuming women will reject you, rather than simply going along with making it happen.

 

Yes to everything. I appreciate your insight and wisdom. Its like self destructive behavior.

[Gaeta]

Well she really couldn't i was her ride, and the second time was when i was driving her home

 

After the way she treated you I hope you won't see her again.

[Fresnite]

After the way she treated you I hope you won't see her again.

 

Ugh you are probably right, but her looks and personality got me hooked lol. I mean honestly she is not the first woman to reject me or break up with me for these reasons, so I know everyone is different and I really was being persistent like nagging, she said i reminded her of her mother lol.

 

So i don't know. I spent a lot of money on her with not looking for anything in return, but i didn't want to break up, i still wanted to see her.

[spiderowl]

Children sometimes pester their parents over and over again, despite being told not to. They seem to do it to get attention or because they are tired and not really in control of themselves. Once the parent get irritated and cross and tells them off, the child bursts into tears. At that point, the child is upset (obviously) but their tension is released. Could you be doing this because you are feeling tense and out of control? It would be pretty self-destructive but you need to get at the reasons why you are feeling as you are, then you can find other ways to relieve those uncomfortable feelings.