Jemima1234 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 So my on off affair continues - all the time ripping me to shreds a bit more each time. Today he said he needs space and doesn't want to speak for 24-48 hrs! As far as he is concerned that is normal,and any grown man deserves and needs space! He says it is space from everyone - but he lives with his wife so Meanwhile I interpret it as I need space from you!! It's almost like a control thing - he said he can't cope with life just now so needs time out. Yet yesterday he slept with me?! Is this the push-pull? Why am I not good enough for him? Honestly writing this out is therapy - rereading my previous posts makes me sick too. When it enough enough?! Can I finally be strong enough to give him space forever?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 When you've truly had enough and are so sick and tired of being treated poorly, you'll end it. When you're miserable, crying and hit your rock bottom, you'll end it. Maybe try some counseling to help you get strong so you can end your affair with him. The choice is yours, it's your life and you make it into what you want it to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 When are you going to start choosing YOU? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 When you've truly had enough and are so sick and tired of being treated poorly, you'll end it. When you're miserable, crying and hit your rock bottom, you'll end it. Maybe try some counseling to help you get strong so you can end your affair with him. The choice is yours, it's your life and you make it into what you want it to be. The thing is right now I am miserable and crying- I spent half my time like this and half my time happy!!! What kind of life is that?? I am a grown woman- with a good life - who is letting this screw me up completely!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 When are you going to start choosing YOU? Wow - so right. So so right. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 For all you endured I thought it was over!... On your question... he is making his decisions purely on his own, you can never guess what it means.. only he knows. This vagueness is mindfack. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 For all you endured I thought it was over!... On your question... he is making his decisions purely on his own, you can never guess what it means.. only he knows. This vagueness is mindfack. Oh I wish. Well- maybe it is now on his part. But then what i need to do is end it on my part!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 You don't want to stop. Admit that and then go from there.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 So my on off affair continues - all the time ripping me to shreds a bit more each time. Today he said he needs space and doesn't want to speak for 24-48 hrs! As far as he is concerned that is normal,and any grown man deserves and needs space! He says it is space from everyone - but he lives with his wife so Meanwhile I interpret it as I need space from you!! It's almost like a control thing - he said he can't cope with life just now so needs time out. Yet yesterday he slept with me?! Is this the push-pull? Why am I not good enough for him? Honestly writing this out is therapy - rereading my previous posts makes me sick too. When it enough enough?! Can I finally be strong enough to give him space forever?! First, sorry to hear about what you're going through. My ex AP would do the same from time to time and it was always difficult for me to process...knowing she wasn't taking a time out or stepping back from her H. I remember one time in particular, she said she needed a "few days" to herself. I said okay and honored her request. Seven days passed with NC...and I really struggled with that and wondered what on earth was happening. Was she done? Was she dead? Was she fixing things with her H...? I gave in and texted her and her reply was "when I didn't hear from you...I thought you were done with me..." I was like...huh!?!?! Looking back I think it was manipulation and gaslighting at its finest. Hope things get better for you; I know how awful it can feel. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Things are going great between him and his wife right now so he doesn't need you. Don't worry the minute his wife pisses him off he'll call. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 He has something going on with his wife, and doesn't want you to know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 For all you endured I thought it was over!... On your question... he is making his decisions purely on his own, you can never guess what it means.. only he knows. This vagueness is mindfack. Spinning plates 101. Never talk much. In fact, mumble. Keep them guessing. Go NC for no reason, they pop back in hard. Girls, these guys are reading from a script. A script that most of you don't know exists, but it does, and these guys are reading it to you with shocking effectiveness. There are books, lots of them, on how to twist women up and use them as toys. And that's what you're doing to yourselves (many of the OW here), standing in as toys for these broken men. It breaks my heart, it made me terribly cynical to see how well these techniques worked back when I was "dating" (basically an endless string of one night stands), now it breaks my heart to see those same techniques used on married women who are destroying their lives, their husbands live, and sometimes their kids lives being the unwitting party in a "game" where they are just a piece moved around the chess board. Please, please, stop being that person, a guy doing this to you is playing you, and he does not care about anything but the sex. This is the easiest and most effective way to keep the physical intimacy coming. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I'm sorry that we (guys) do this to women, there's no excuse, but the reason is because our sex drives are so much higher than yours that you can't possibly imagine what we're thinking most of the time when we're around attractive women. Yes, some are different, in fact, some here are different and will give you another take on that. And you should read it, but know that there are people like me (and I know a ton of them) all over the place, and if you are involved in an A with a married man, there's a really good chance you ran into one of us. My story is different, my W had the A, but I still carry the experience/scars of playing women, and almost feel that what happened to us is "payback" for what I did to so many other women. Don't be that girl. Guys who do this are looking for the weak members of the pack; we're looking for the girl that will say "Yes", not the girl we want to marry, or even the girl we want to date. It's about sex for most of them, and any sex is better than no sex for a lot of guys. Things are going great between him and his wife right now so he doesn't need you. Don't worry the minute his wife pisses him off he'll call. I'd say the minute he doesn't get what he wants from the W in the bedroom he'll call. But, either way, dead on. Things are going well at home, plenty of sex, or something going on at work that means he doesn't have enough time to pursue more sex. That's all this is, don't read more into it and don't make it about you; it almost certainly isn't; it's about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 The thing is right now I am miserable and crying- I spent half my time like this and half my time happy!!! What kind of life is that?? I am a grown woman- with a good life - who is letting this screw me up completely!!!! So, stop! End it. Don't be afraid of feeling the final pain of walking away from him. yeah you'll hurt, probably for a while but you will get over him and feel better. Don't let fear get in the way of what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Let me get this right... he has sex with you, then instead of it bringing you closer, he asks for no contact? Wow. If that isn't the most blatant example of someone being used, then I don't know what is. He will have sex with you but doesn't want to talk to you after? A man like that would be gone from my life so fast his head would spin. What an a$$ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Thank you everyone for the input- you are challenging me and I appreciate it. I need some hard hitting truths because I am currently accepting breadcrumbs!! The space lasted 2 hours then he called me!!! I have known this guy for many years and I genuinely think he does this when he can't cope- I think he hates himself for being in this mess and then he takes it out on me. But I am on a journey here that is currently heading to destruction and devastation. I need to listen to you all- thank you and please keep the input coming Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 So my on off affair continues - all the time ripping me to shreds a bit more each time. (((Jemima))) I'm so sorry about your pain. Your poor, sensitive heart can't take much more of this. I know it's such an awful prospect to face, but please, please, please get out now. Today he said he needs space and doesn't want to speak for 24-48 hrs!.... I interpret it as I need space from you!! It's almost like a control thing - he said he can't cope with life just now so needs time out.! This is an awful way to treat you and it shows that you are not his number one priority - he is. He expects you to be there when he says and to stay in your box at all other times until he clicks his fingers again. Please don't tolerate this any more Jem. You deserve so very much more. Yet yesterday he slept with me?! I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he was horny and you were available and so for the little time it took, he put his "need for space" to one side. Suddenly, straight afterwards, it's important again. It's an awful way to use you and play with you. Can I finally be strong enough to give him space forever?! Never mind him - do it for you! Jem, I was an MM once too, and I recognise some of my behaviour in him. It's not that we're awful people, it's just that the situation we get ourselves in and all the associated stresses turns us temporarily into monsters, and we usually end up hurting everyone - I know I did. I think he's there now - his behaviour smacks of it. I was a little like this towards the end of my A. I think if it hadn't finished when it did, I would have soon mentally broken down and ended up in an institution. Take yourself out of the equation Jem. Protect yourself and in doing so you'll be helping to save him too. Us MM are often too weak and stupid to do the right thing and take decisive action ourselves. Sometimes we need someone else to save us from ourselves by being the strong, responsible one. Be that person Jem - we are here for you. I wish you all the best. Keep posting, you are not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) Well, he is married, after all, I assume that his life largely revolves around family/wife/work, so is this really so unusual that your contact would be fairly sporadic? If I were to have an affair, it would be hard for me to get out more than 2 - 3 times a week for more than a couple hours. I'd probably have to account for my time every now and again too. I have not read your backstory, that may show in my answer. What can you expect from him in a practical sense? Even if he could give that to you, would it be enough? You almost sound like you want to be the wife at home who is being cheated on. Except without the cheating part. And there's the difficulty... Edited June 5, 2017 by mightycpa Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 It feels like Groundhog day in here.... ;-) As said above, you have to start choosing you. Realize this is an addiction and treat it as such. Every time you go back, you are repeating the cycle over and over. When you're truly ready to stop, you will. Sounds simple. It won't be. But you are strong and you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 (((Jemima))) I'm so sorry about your pain. Your poor, sensitive heart can't take much more of this. I know it's such an awful prospect to face, but please, please, please get out now. This is an awful way to treat you and it shows that you are not his number one priority - he is. He expects you to be there when he says and to stay in your box at all other times until he clicks his fingers again. Please don't tolerate this any more Jem. You deserve so very much more. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he was horny and you were available and so for the little time it took, he put his "need for space" to one side. Suddenly, straight afterwards, it's important again. It's an awful way to use you and play with you. Never mind him - do it for you! Jem, I was an MM once too, and I recognise some of my behaviour in him. It's not that we're awful people, it's just that the situation we get ourselves in and all the associated stresses turns us temporarily into monsters, and we usually end up hurting everyone - I know I did. I think he's there now - his behaviour smacks of it. I was a little like this towards the end of my A. I think if it hadn't finished when it did, I would have soon mentally broken down and ended up in an institution. Take yourself out of the equation Jem. Protect yourself and in doing so you'll be helping to save him too. Us MM are often too weak and stupid to do the right thing and take decisive action ourselves. Sometimes we need someone else to save us from ourselves by being the strong, responsible one. Be that person Jem - we are here for you. I wish you all the best. Keep posting, you are not alone. Jenkins thanks so much. You are so right - I have read your words and cried. I want to be strong. I want to do this, I just feel so heartbroken and alone Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 OT... *grins* at your post. So blunt and on the face. Jemima... what will it take to snap outta it?. Self respect is the most 'sexy' thing you can ever own, I aint a pro but I am working on it. Eff everyone else and do it for yourself.. be free and be beautiful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Several times in this thread I have read that OP needs to choose herself.......huh?? Truth is she is, this is all about her. Reason? She is a married woman who had an affair, became pregnant and gave birth to MM child, lied to husband that it was over, yet continue. She isn't choosing her husband. She spoke about knowing mm hates himself for and can't cope with the affair, yet she continues. She isn't choosing mm. Loving someone, sometimes means letting go of what you want for what's best for them. She doesn't seem to have that. Edit to add....I haven't been reading much in this section lately. I apologise to OP if her situation has changed and she is no longer with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 (edited) Read above msg .deleted Edited June 6, 2017 by pheonixrisen Link to post Share on other sites
Babsinhealing Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Jemima- I will give you the same advice I would give to my closest friends... if a man says he wants space- don't make him repeat it. Hold your head up high and show him that he doesn't have to ask twice. Walk away and fill your life with things that make YOU happy. Never ever chase a man or beg to be in his life- you will lose your precious power and that power is gold! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) The space lasted 2 hours then he called me!!! I have known this guy for many years and I genuinely think he does this when he can't cope- I think he hates himself for being in this mess and then he takes it out on me. He has sex with you, then pushes you away, but when he calls two hours later... you are happy!!! That is messed up. He is a grown man, competent enough I would hope to take care of himself. But, if you want to be his "soft place to fall" when life or his marriage gets to be too much... That is your choice. This will only end when you decide that you are worth more than this... Edited to add... I just read some of your other posts. You have really struggled with this for a long time. Counselling. No contact. It doesn't matter how badly he behaves, you always go back. I'm sorry. That is a terrible way to live your life. Edited June 7, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 Several times in this thread I have read that OP needs to choose herself.......huh?? Truth is she is, this is all about her. Reason? She is a married woman who had an affair, became pregnant and gave birth to MM child, lied to husband that it was over, yet continue. She isn't choosing her husband. She spoke about knowing mm hates himself for and can't cope with the affair, yet she continues. She isn't choosing mm. Loving someone, sometimes means letting go of what you want for what's best for them. She doesn't seem to have that. Edit to add....I haven't been reading much in this section lately. I apologise to OP if her situation has changed and she is no longer with her husband. You are totally fair enough here. Hard hitting and not all factually true but the sentiment is. Link to post Share on other sites
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