Finally some good thoughts

[LedHead21]

I've had so many hurtful thoughts in the recent months, so writing this right now is giving me a lot of hope for the future and I just thought I'd share with anyone that's hurting..

 

I've been hurt. A lot. More than anyone should ever have to endure in love. I've spent countless hours alone with my hurtful thoughts, with a memory that rips me in half almost daily. But recently something has shifted and it feels like that little bitch I call intuition is finally becoming my saving grace.

 

There's nothing I could've done.

 

There's nothing I could've changed.

 

I can say this now, and wholeheartedly believe it. All of the times I've been betrayed a damaging thought process follows but not anymore. Great sex life, amazing communication and understanding, I cook, I clean, I take care of my kids, my family, my friends, my spouse. I'm that person that everyone comes to when they need a shoulder or shelter. I have a good sense of humor and realize the importance of physical and mental health. I'm honest. Did I mention the sex? That's one part of my life that's never been bad, I've always desired it and I've always had strong desire to feel physical with my lovers.

 

Did any of this save me from infidelity? Absolutely not.

 

I've had so many opportunities with the opposite sex. Married or single there's atleast one per month.. I don't know if this is the same for males but for females, the opportunity is always there waiting in your inbox. Therefore I'm tired of reading excuses "I'm not fit enough" "he's not fit enough" "we don't have sex anymore" "he's lazy" "she doesn't even try" none of these warrant infidelity. Selfishness & Ego are all you need and even the best relationships can crumble.

 

Today I'm choosing me, first and foremost.

My children and my spouse, I know that reconciliation is hard to do sometimes but if there's more than one damn good reason to stay then it's absolutely worth it.

 

I don't know exactly why I felt like writing this, but I wish like hell someone would've sat me down years ago and told me "it's not your fault. What you let take your mind over, and your children's mother away from them, and alienation from your friends IS ON YOU. It's your life, and you get to shape it the way YOU want it. Don't be afraid to live without someone that doesn't value you. It's going to take a while to trust again, but you should always be able to trust yourself."

Edited June 5, 2017 by LedHead21
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[BTDT2012]

Amen, sister! Well said.

[mercy]

 

I don't know exactly why I felt like writing this....

 

Because beautiful words such as these need to be expressed.

 

Your words are meant for someone and that someone will find them.

 

[donbar]

You never know when somebody will be strengthened by your experience....

Thanks for sharing.

[BetrayedH]

... I know that reconciliation is hard to do sometimes but if there's more than one damn good reason to stay then it's absolutely worth it.

 

I honestly thought your post was great, except for this ^^^ part.

 

One good reason to stay does not mean it's absolutely worth it. In my opinion (worth as much as the paper it's printed on), a healthy position would be the opposite of your quote. Accepting unacceptable behavior just because you can find one good reason is not healthy thinking. It devalues you when you have been devalued enough. Your default position should be that your spouse made a choice to break the marital contract and so that agreement is over. And if your spouse wants you to make another agreement, they're going to have to work long and hard to convince you (with a multitude of damn good reasons) that you should have any faith in another agreement.

 

If you only need one good reason, I think you'l always be able to justify tolerating abusive behavior because of "the kids." So, can your spouse just do anything and you'll always stay for that one good reason?

 

Perhaps I am making too much from one sentence in your post but it troubles me the lengths to which people will go in order to salvage whatever they can. Your standards for yourself and what your children see you tolerate should be higher.

[LedHead21]

I honestly thought your post was great, except for this ^^^ part.

 

One good reason to stay does not mean it's absolutely worth it. In my opinion (worth as much as the paper it's printed on), a healthy position would be the opposite of your quote. Accepting unacceptable behavior just because you can find one good reason is not healthy thinking. It devalues you when you have been devalued enough. Your default position should be that your spouse made a choice to break the marital contract and so that agreement is over. And if your spouse wants you to make another agreement, they're going to have to work long and hard to convince you (with a multitude of damn good reasons) that you should have any faith in another agreement.

 

If you only need one good reason, I think you'l always be able to justify tolerating abusive behavior because of "the kids." So, can your spouse just do anything and you'll always stay for that one good reason?

 

Perhaps I am making too much from one sentence in your post but it troubles me the lengths to which people will go in order to salvage whatever they can. Your standards for yourself and what your children see you tolerate should be higher.

 

More than one good reason. Not one but multiple damn good reasons. A majority of them being the efforts and transparency put forward by my WS to mend the hurt he's caused. Staying for the children is a cop out IMO, and I left my ex because his infidelities over the course of 11 years became too much for me to face anymore so I understand the importance of my children seeing a happy/ healthy love dynamic between parents.

[merrmeade]

More than one good reason. Not one but multiple damn good reasons. A majority of them being the efforts and transparency put forward by my WS to mend the hurt he's caused. Staying for the children is a cop out IMO, and I left my ex because his infidelities over the course of 11 years became too much for me to face anymore so I understand the importance of my children seeing a happy/ healthy love dynamic between parents.

good for you, LH. You have to keep talking to yourself this way - it's a kind of meditative validation that you must give yourself for all the suffering but also all the work you've done, which, in no small measure, includes forgiving, allowing margins, offering understanding, being patient. It's a difficult line we draw between standing up for the truth and our own dignity and negotiating terms for the top and bottom - the top being your goals and ideals, what you aspire for in your right to a fulfilling relationship, and the bottom is the line you draw for what you will absolutely not tolerate ever again from anyone. My two cents.

[BetrayedH]

More than one good reason. Not one but multiple damn good reasons. A majority of them being the efforts and transparency put forward by my WS to mend the hurt he's caused. Staying for the children is a cop out IMO, and I left my ex because his infidelities over the course of 11 years became too much for me to face anymore so I understand the importance of my children seeing a happy/ healthy love dynamic between parents.

 

Sounds good. I've also had a chance to catch up on some of your other posts. It was a good sign when your H volunteered the message to you that had been sent by the OW.

 

I've long believe that a real reconciliation only requires two things: (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Just bear in mind that #2 never comes before #1. If your H is completely transparent, open, willing to discuss the affair without defensiveness, enforcing new boundaries for himself, etc. then I see nothing wrong with giving things a second chance. Just don't do the work for him and don't interpret every positive thing as THE signal that he's all in. Plenty of waywards put on a good show of remorse to control the damage and then continue on with their wayward ways. Your decision to forgive should probably take a LONG time, such that he has proven with his consistent actions over time that he has truly changed.

 

Don't let your desperation for things to return to normal expedite the process at all. Fast is slow and slow is fast.

 

Good luck. I'm glad things feel like they're taking a turn and that you've stopped looking inward when trying to figure out why this affair happened. It ain't about you; it's all about him.