Why is my Mom always doom and gloom over exciting things?

[Mapper71]

My mom has a way of turning any exciting news into gloom and doom. Several examples:

 

1) I got a bonus at work last week. I told her a few days prior that we were getting a bonus. She seemed excited that I was getting one. I never told her how much it would be because we didn't know. A few days later I talk to her and I tell her it was way more than we thought it would be. I told her the amount and she got quiet and then seemed angry at me for getting such a bonus, when the entire company got the same thing. She did the same thing at my old job when 2 of us from the company got a $2000 bonus for good work, which was way less than what this last bonus was. Once again when I came home from work that day and told her, she got seemingly angry at me and wasn't very talkative. Gee, sorry for doing good work and working for a company that really appreciates their employees.

 

2) With said bonus, I wanted to use some of it for my husband and I to travel either to Europe or to New Zealand to see my friends. We are leaning towards New Zealand. I tell my mom that, seeing as how the only places I've been outside of the U.S. are Canada and Costa Rica and I work for a European travel company and am the only person there who hasn't been to Europe or basically anywhere, I thought she'd be happy. She's ecstatic when anybody else tells her they are travelling. But I tell her and get an "Oh, but you aren't going this year are you?" Why does it matter? I'm 45 years old!! Are you afraid I'm all of a sudden going to cancel my trip to see you in two weeks?? She hates travelling ANYWHERE. She won't even drive to the other side of town and she tried to instill that fear in me growing up always thinking the 10 miles to the other side of town was like going to the moon and it might snow 1/2" and I'll go into a ditch or the rain will come down so hard I'll get into an accident and it's much safer to sit at home with her and go to bed at 8PM than it is to go out with friends.

 

3) I tell her yesterday that my husband is going to two concerts with buddies both Tuesday and Wednesday night. She goes "Oh but doesn't he have to take you to the airport on Wednesday"? Well that's the following Wednesday not this Wed. and she seemed to be relieved about that, because you certainly can't go out and have fun when you have to be up early the next day for something! If that were me when I was living with her, even if I was 25 years old, she'd pretty much be upset if I went out the night before having to get up early and if I did, she'd give me the silent treatment for days for not staying home like she would have.

 

What is her deal?? Why can she be happy for anybody else doing things but when it comes to me and my sister oh everything is horrible and we're bad people for wanting to do things...even though I'm 45 and married and my sister is 54 and married and we've been nothing but good kids?

[IndigoNight]

If she isn't responding in a way that you would like her to, then maybe you stop telling her things only to end up disappointed that she wasn't thrilled for you. Granted, it would be nice if your good news excited her, but it should not be an expectation. Some people just don't get excited over other peoples news, but it doesn't mean that she isn't proud of your success. Unless this is something new with her, why would you expect her to respond any differently than she does?

 

As for why she is like she is, it could just be her personality. Some people are not adventurous, and are prone to worrying. Considering you are 45, I doubt you will be able to get her to change. If you don't want to deal with her being overly worrisome, and still want to share your life happenings with her, I would suggest telling her after it has happened. Maybe then you won't feel like your happy occasions are negatively impacted by her being all "doom and gloom".

[Mapper71]

If she isn't responding in a way that you would like her to, then maybe you stop telling her things only to end up disappointed that she wasn't thrilled for you. Granted, it would be nice if your good news excited her, but it should not be an expectation. Some people just don't get excited over other peoples news, but it doesn't mean that she isn't proud of your success. Unless this is something new with her, why would you expect her to respond any differently than she does?

 

As for why she is like she is, it could just be her personality. Some people are not adventurous, and are prone to worrying. Considering you are 45, I doubt you will be able to get her to change. If you don't want to deal with her being overly worrisome, and still want to share your life happenings with her, I would suggest telling her after it has happened. Maybe then you won't feel like your happy occasions are negatively impacted by her being all "doom and gloom".

 

But it's like she is just thinking of the practical of everything. Like "You can't have fun the night before if you have to get up early" and "You don't want to travel anymore this year if you're coming to visit me in 2 weeks". God forbid we ever do anything spur of the moment!

 

Oh and she just LOVES everyone else, but not anyone we seem to be associated with. She goes on and on about how great the people who live on every side of her are and so thoughtful and helpful. Praises the boyfriend of her sister's daughter's daughter after only meeting him for 30 seconds and can't stop talking about how wonderful he is. But she can't seem to say anything nice about my friends or my husband. She always complained that my friends, who are twins, were always having family gatherings and parties when I was growing up. God forbid families gather and have fun unlike our family who never did anything.

[IndigoNight]

My advice is still the same; stop telling her things if you don't want her negative reaction to frustrate you. If her bragging about others gets on your nerves, either change the subject or simply end the conversation.

 

Have you ever asked your mom, "Why do you brag about so and so, but are overly critical with me about my life?" If you are doing well in your life with your husband and career, etc. why does your mother's approval, or disapproval, carry so much weight with you emotionally? You have done well in your life, and are otherwise happy, correct? Why allow your mother to dampen you enthusiasm when you do well at work, and are well-compensated for it? Would you tolerate the same behaviors from your husband, sister, or a close friend?

 

Just because she is your mother in no way means that you have to accept the negativity she seems to input into your life. It sounds like it is time to set boundaries with her. Hopefully she will learn not to burden you with her doom and gloom attitude towards everything you do. More importantly, hopefully you will stop allowing her to have so much emotional control over you.