Affair nipped in the bud, BUT

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Where do I begin? I'm sorry this is so long, but I don’t want to leave anything out.

 

I’m a recent widow, my husband died just a few years ago. I love my husband, and I miss him terribly. I live my life, but I still wish he was here. He’s not.

 

As part of beginning to live my life again, I started doing things with friends and becoming more socially active in my community. During that time, I met a man. Our families have lived near each other for almost 20 years, and I’d heard his name before, I knew he existed, but I don’t recall ever meeting him before my husband died. We met about 2 1/2 years ago.

 

I would see him at social functions and he is a good-looking, athletic, nice, charming, fun, witty, intelligent man who is also married. I know his wife, she’s nice, not a particularly close friend, but a friendly acquaintance. He and I took an instant liking to each other and we would clown around, throw zingers at each other, and generally have a very fun time. His wife wasn’t around much. He’s very active socially and he’s well-liked. We clicked, we had that instant chemistry two people can have. A couple of my friends noticed this, they would tease me, but I never admitted anything. For a while, there was nothing to admit.

 

Last year, something changed. While we’ve always liked each other, a romantic attraction crept into our relationship. We began to cheek kiss in greeting and departure. Our very first kiss was accidental. I went to kiss his cheek, he tilted his head the wrong way, and our lips met. It was electric and I really liked the taste and feel of his saliva in my mouth. It was a little awkward too. After that, when we kissed he would pull me close, hugging from around the waist rather than the shoulders, and I would do the same. We began to monopolize each others’ time at social events, we started emailing and texting, and spending more time with each other, one-on-one. Once, I remember that he noticed a perfume I was wearing and he complimented me on the scent. He placed his nose onto my shoulder as if to sniff and slowly sniffed me from my shoulder up my neck to my ear and he whispered that I smelled wonderful. That was like his first signal to me, and I didn't flinch, I let him nuzzle and tease me. I started taking an interest in the other things he did, and he became interested in my hobbies and activities, and he'd show me things he'd done or we'd talk about my activities. We started making plans to do things together. He would compliment me, tell me how good I looked and how he liked me so much. I would compliment him too. I told him how I'd never met anyone like him. He would text me to make sure I got home ok, and he'd tell me how good it was to see me and how he had a great time, how he couldn't wait to see me again. I would text him the same things back and compliment him somehow.

 

Slowly, little by little, we started falling for each other. For me, it was nice to have the attention of a man again, especially this man. I had no interest in dating before, my heart was closed to the possibility until he came along. Somehow, I began to feel something, not love, but maybe the precursor to love. My heart began to open to him, but both of us were still fully aware he was married. Still, we let our relationship escalate, but we never said a word to each other about what we were engaged in.

 

Most recently, we went on what I would call dates, where we would arrange to spend time with each other for hours, and we talked and talked to get to know each other. After our next to last date, as he was about to kiss me, I puckered my lips, and held my head straight. He took my hint, and kissed me on the lips, chastely. I noticed he closed his eyes when he kissed me, and he held me close, body to body and let go of me slowly. It was a wonderful first kiss. When our next date was over, we kissed for real. He kissed me and I kissed him back and he held me in his arms before we said goodbye. But we never talked about it. As far as kisses go, it wasn’t physically the most passionate kiss I ever had, but there was romantic intent from both of us and our eyes smiled at each other afterwards. Each of us knew we were saying yes to this.

 

I was out for a walk about a week later, and he was driving by, and he stopped. He was excited to greet me, and there in my neighborhood, I watched as this married man approached me to kiss me in front of God and everybody, as if he had no care in the world about it. I started envisioning a future where we would get caught, where his family would suffer and where I would be to blame. I made an excuse about having the sniffles, and he kissed me next to my mouth, but not on it and again, he pulled me close. Right there on the main boulevard in front of God and everybody. I think that is when I realized my mistake. Our mistake. I was pursuing something with a married man and he was pursuing the same thing with me. He was getting carried away, and I knew I had to step back from the brink.

 

We talked for a while, and after, he continued to invite me to do things. I came up with excuses, but I continued to respond to his texts and emails, except I ignored invitations to go out or anything having to do with us being together alone. I stopped including xo’s in replies and I stopped saying things like “so good to see you” and “hope to see you soon”. I tried to make our conversations strictly platonic, but I also tried to keep the great rapport that we had built. I wanted things to go back to where they had been before the attraction. I like this guy. I just can’t do this. If only he wasn’t married, I’d be with him in a heartbeat. But he is married so that's not an option.

 

We also saw each other a couple of times at parties and I acted very friendly, but very platonic. When I left, I would sneak out so that I could leave without saying goodbye. I didn’t want to encourage him by kissing. I was dropping hints left and right. You had to be an idiot not to see it, and he was acting like an idiot.

 

This went on for a month or so and I guess he got frustrated. He sent me an email that said he noticed our vibe was different, that he felt uncomfortable and that he wanted to fix that. He said he wasn't as tone deaf as he had been acting. He said that more than anything else, he just wanted to be comfortable around me, and for me to be comfortable around him. He said that he felt confused by things lately and he wanted to fix that too. He asked if we could talk things over so we could fix it. He kept using that word, to fix it. He wrote that he was afraid to send the email, but he was going to send it anyway. It was vulnerable, needy, and I'd never seen that in him before. He's always so confident. I was a little shocked by it.

 

I panicked. I don’t know exactly why. I guess I just didn’t want to deal with it. I don’t know exactly what he wanted to say to me, whether he would try to convince me to have an affair of if he was after nothing more than certainty and stability, or if he just wanted to hear me say the words that we weren't going to do this. Maybe he was going to tell me HE couldn't do this! But I didn’t want to have any of those conversations, so I didn’t reply at all. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I ignored his email completely.

 

He hasn't emailed me since. It has been almost a month now. Our sudden silence is deafening. I’ve seen him once, I was walking, he was driving, and when he looked at me, I could not read the look on his face, except to know he was not happy to see me. I tried to look annoyed, not sure if I pulled it off or not. He didn’t stop and he didn’t wave, in fact, he sped by. He never drives like that. He's never not stopped to say hello, even before we got close. It’s so uncomfortable, and the summer is upon us, and while we’ve been avoiding each other this past month, our social circles intersect too closely, and we can't avoid each other forever. We will run into each other, and I think I may have done the wrong thing here, that is to say, I did the right thing, but I did it the wrong way. Every day that goes by makes it harder to reach out to him. I don't think I can do that, I've painted myself into some kind of corner. He wanted to fix his discomfort and now I feel like I made it so much worse, because before, we were both a little uncomfortable, but now we’re both very uncomfortable. I really have no one to talk to about this, all my friends are neighbors too, and I’m not sure who I can trust.

 

I don't know how I feel. I feel a lot of things. I'm angry at him. Why couldn’t he just take my hints and let it go at that and pretend nothing had ever happened? Wasn't it obvious? I also feel unsure. I feel like I've hurt a good friend needlessly, like if I'd just handled things differently, we could have gotten through it unscathed, and I could have gotten what I wanted.

 

I feel like I’ve made a huge mess of things, and I don’t know what to do. What do I do now? Do I fix this? How? I have no idea what he thinks of me now, or if he still wants to fix it. Does he hate me? Is he angry? Hurt? I don't know. I don't want the first time we talk to each other to be in a crowd, and both of us have to be fake to each other. I don't really want to ignore him, but I don't think I have much choice now. I don't know how people won't notice that and wonder why we're acting so different all of a sudden. What if his wife notices it?

 

Part of me thinks if he had acted like a husband all along, we wouldn't have this problem, but I can't ignore my part in this too. I encouraged him. What should I do now? Should I wait for him to cave? Is this friendship dead? I don't want that, but maybe that's what it is now.

 

Thoughts?

[MidnightBlue1980]

My thoughts -

 

Condolences on the loss of your husband.

 

This guy who knew of you, targeted you as you were alone and vulnerable. None of it was chance or an accident. He trolled your neighborhood to run into you. He saw you as potentially weak and an easy mark. However, you were not. He has neither the time nor inclination to pursue a real relationship with you as he was just looking for an affair and he has moved on as he has realized you are not as gullible as he thought. Consider it a compliment. You are a strong lady, not some mark, and he is no friend of yours. You did not lose anything that was never yours.

[Overtaxed]

Is the friendship dead; yes, it is. Because this guy is not friend material. Frankly, most men (and women, if you're a man) aren't. Friendships between opposite sexes where there's any sexual interest are very difficult. He wasn't your friend, he was trying to groom you to be an AP, that's a very different thing!

 

I don't know how I feel. I feel a lot of things. I'm angry at him. Why couldn’t he just take my hints and let it go at that and pretend nothing had ever happened? Wasn't it obvious? I also feel unsure. I feel like I've hurt a good friend needlessly, like if I'd just handled things differently, we could have gotten through it unscathed, and I could have gotten what I wanted.

 

He didn't (he could have, trust me) take your hints because he wanted to have sex with you. Simple as that. Doesn't matter how obvious you make it up to "I'm going to tell your wife if you don't leave me alone", nothing short of that would have stopped him. He is pretending nothing happened, he's ghosting you, that's what men do to women they don't want to sleep with.

 

I hope, I really do, someday that people wake up and realize that friends with the opposite sex was considered a "bad idea" for pretty much all of recorded history until the last 50-100 years for a good reason. It's not possible. At least not if there's any possibility of a sexual relationship (which, let me break down, means "guy wants to have sex with girl", not that it would be a good match, not that it would lead to marriage, just sexual interest). I posted this video before, but it's very applicable to your situation as well.

 

 

Men are only friends with women they want to sleep with. Yes, there are some exceptions, and I'm sure they will come out and post here in a bit; but let me tell you, they are exceptions, not the general rule. Be friends with women, and he can find a new guy friend as well. Trust me, you'll have a lot more to talk about as will he with same sex friends!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is the friendship dead; yes, it is. Because this guy is not friend material. Frankly, most men (and women, if you're a man) aren't. Friendships between opposite sexes where there's any sexual interest are very difficult. He wasn't your friend, he was trying to groom you to be an AP, that's a very different thing!

 

 

 

He didn't (he could have, trust me) take your hints because he wanted to have sex with you. Simple as that. Doesn't matter how obvious you make it up to "I'm going to tell your wife if you don't leave me alone", nothing short of that would have stopped him. He is pretending nothing happened, he's ghosting you, that's what men do to women they don't want to sleep with.

 

I hope, I really do, someday that people wake up and realize that friends with the opposite sex was considered a "bad idea" for pretty much all of recorded history until the last 50-100 years for a good reason. It's not possible. At least not if there's any possibility of a sexual relationship (which, let me break down, means "guy wants to have sex with girl", not that it would be a good match, not that it would lead to marriage, just sexual interest). I posted this video before, but it's very applicable to your situation as well.

 

 

Men are only friends with women they want to sleep with. Yes, there are some exceptions, and I'm sure they will come out and post here in a bit; but let me tell you, they are exceptions, not the general rule. Be friends with women, and he can find a new guy friend as well. Trust me, you'll have a lot more to talk about as will he with same sex friends!

 

For a woman, we can be friends with men; I have many guys I know who I have zero attraction to - but Overtaxed is correct, the reverse is not true.

 

Men need to have some reason to be contacting you or they just won't do it, particularly if they are married (they already have a wife) - now you may have male "friends" that are connected to a business or a legitimate sport, but if that is the case, they really don't contact you outside of that reason and if the reason ends, you don't ever hear from them again. They are not really your friend.

 

I do not open my door and see men I know driving by and they don't contact me unless there is a specific reason. They honestly never text me to say hi or see how I am doing. So if a guy is doing that behavior, it's something he wants and probably not on the up and up if he is married.

[Overtaxed]

For a woman, we can be friends with men; I have many guys I know who I have zero attraction to - but Overtaxed is correct, the reverse is not true.

 

Men need to have some reason to be contacting you or they just won't do it, particularly if they are married (they already have a wife) - now you may have male "friends" that are connected to a business or a legitimate sport, but if that is the case, they really don't contact you outside of that reason and if the reason ends, you don't ever hear from them again. They are not really your friend.

 

I do not open my door and see men I know driving by and they don't contact me unless there is a specific reason. They honestly never text me to say hi or see how I am doing. So if a guy is doing that behavior, it's something he wants and probably not on the up and up if he is married.

 

Thank you MB for posting this, it's great to hear the other side of the story too. And what you said is so dead on, I'm embarrassed (as a guy) that I didn't see it about myself. Guys need a reason to contact someone. Even other guys. We don't call up our friends to "chat". We call to set a time to do something. Bar, hunt, meet up and work on something, sports, gym.. Whatever. But there's a reason behind us reaching out, it's not to chat. We just don't do that the same way that women do, not even close.

 

And yes, if I think back on "times I called a woman" that weren't work related, I'd have to venture a guess that 99% of the time, it was sexual interest of some kind. Sure, I'd ask them to meet me to do homework, but I didn't need help on my homework, I wanted to sleep with them. I don't call female co-workers to chat, I call them to find out where the d**n TPS reports are! It's just not how guys work, we have to want/need something from the other person to reach out. And what we want might seem benign; "I wanted to see if you were going to gym tonight, I need some motivation". If you're GF called and said that, it would be totally normal. A guy calling to say that; well.. I think you can tell where I'm going here. He wants to sleep with you, not to get motivated to go to the gym.

 

The other 1% of calls, in case you're interested? Well, those were to my Mom.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Added - I watched both videos. Very interesting. I do think though that women are able to be friends with men as we just don't like men as easily as they seem to like any woman, we are more discriminating and really can just be friends with aguy. But it does seem you are correct about men. I guess the guy put it best as a "one sided friendship."

[whichwayisup]

Wait for him to cave? Meaning what? He actually talks to you and directly asks you to your face what happened?

 

I know you hinted a lot, many men can't take hints...(Though I'm sure he knows why you distanced yourself from him, he's not stupid) Maybe it would have been so much easier if you had responded to his email (you still can) and just say "you're married and the friendship we were having was wrong and totally inappropriate, it made me feel uncomfortable." Or something along those lines.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.

[mightycpa]

I think your answer is a tad on the cynical side, but be that as it may, this part is interesting to me:

He is pretending nothing happened, he's ghosting you, that's what men do to women they don't want to sleep with.

When I read that story, it sounded to me like she was the one doing the ghosting and pretending to him, precisely because she did not want to sleep with him. I wonder if this is a reflection of general man/woman misunderstanding.

 

What was he supposed to do? Blow up her phone? Pester her with more emails? Show up on he doorstep? I think he did the only thing he could do, which was to interpret her silence as a complete shutdown. It doesn't sound like she meant for that to happen, but that's how I'd take it.

 

My interpretation is that he reached out to her to "fix" their relationship (whatever that means) and she nuked that request. I've had that experience, and it feels like a great big FU coming from someone you thought was close to you. It was very hurtful in my case. I doubt that's what she meant to say to him. It doesn't sound like, it, and sometimes, I think people who use silence as a reply don't think of how harshly this kid of reply is interpreted.

 

It must be National Silent Treatment Month or something. This is like the 5th thread I've read about that.

Edited June 5, 2017 by mightycpa

[reboot]

This is silly. Of course men and women can be platonic friends. You just have to be extra careful if one or both are in a relationship, and in that case your partner(s) have to be aware of and okay with the relationship.

[aileD]

It's already passed the "we are just friends" phase. There's no going back from that in my opinion.

 

Listen,he's a predator. You almost got caught up in it, you were smart and pulled yourself out of it. Don't think anymore about his feelings or awkwardness. He's married. If he says anything else, remind him of that fact.

 

I'm spery for the loss of your husband. You will find love again....but don't fall for this type of love, it just leads to heartache

[WhatToDoKiddies]

My thoughts -

 

Condolences on the loss of your husband.

 

This guy who knew of you, targeted you as you were alone and vulnerable. None of it was chance or an accident. He trolled your neighborhood to run into you. He saw you as potentially weak and an easy mark. However, you were not. He has neither the time nor inclination to pursue a real relationship with you as he was just looking for an affair and he has moved on as he has realized you are not as gullible as he thought. Consider it a compliment. You are a strong lady, not some mark, and he is no friend of yours. You did not lose anything that was never yours.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

 

We live in adjoining neighborhoods with a common thoroughfare, I should have mentioned that.

 

I'm trying to make sense of your perspective. I don't feel like I was targeted by him, and if you are right, he put in a year to get a kiss, and there was never any pressure. If I hadn't encouraged him to kiss me, I don't think he would have done it. I'd like to believe he genuinely liked me, as horrible as wishing for that sounds. Your impression is so contrary to the person I came to know. It seems like he was in no hurry to bed me.

 

I get that he's moved on, or he's working on it. But I feel like I forced him into that.

 

I have no problem that the romantic part is gone, but I will miss the friendship.

 

I'm keeping an open mind.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Is the friendship dead; yes, it is. Because this guy is not friend material. Frankly, most men (and women, if you're a man) aren't. Friendships between opposite sexes where there's any sexual interest are very difficult. He wasn't your friend, he was trying to groom you to be an AP, that's a very different thing!

 

 

 

He didn't (he could have, trust me) take your hints because he wanted to have sex with you. Simple as that. Doesn't matter how obvious you make it up to "I'm going to tell your wife if you don't leave me alone", nothing short of that would have stopped him. He is pretending nothing happened, he's ghosting you, that's what men do to women they don't want to sleep with.

 

I hope, I really do, someday that people wake up and realize that friends with the opposite sex was considered a "bad idea" for pretty much all of recorded history until the last 50-100 years for a good reason. It's not possible. At least not if there's any possibility of a sexual relationship (which, let me break down, means "guy wants to have sex with girl", not that it would be a good match, not that it would lead to marriage, just sexual interest). I posted this video before, but it's very applicable to your situation as well.

 

 

Men are only friends with women they want to sleep with. Yes, there are some exceptions, and I'm sure they will come out and post here in a bit; but let me tell you, they are exceptions, not the general rule. Be friends with women, and he can find a new guy friend as well. Trust me, you'll have a lot more to talk about as will he with same sex friends!

I have many male friends. Some are friends of my husbands, who have been very supportive of me lately.

 

To be honest, I think that I'm the one who wanted to pretend nothing happened, so that we could go back to where we were maybe six months ago. You are correct about the mixture of friendship and romantic interest, that muddies the waters, and temptation makes boundaries more difficult to maintain.

 

Maybe I should have talked with him, and told him that the next step for us was to tell his wife. It never occurred to me, mainly because I didn't want to be THAT woman. What if he had said yes? I can't imagine it.

 

I have a lot to think about. I'll watch the video after replying.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Wait for him to cave? Meaning what? He actually talks to you and directly asks you to your face what happened?

 

I know you hinted a lot, many men can't take hints...(Though I'm sure he knows why you distanced yourself from him, he's not stupid) Maybe it would have been so much easier if you had responded to his email (you still can) and just say "you're married and the friendship we were having was wrong and totally inappropriate, it made me feel uncomfortable." Or something along those lines.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.

Thank you for your condolences.

 

Caving doesn't seem likely, does it? That word sounded a lot better in my head than when I read it in your reply, or in what I wrote. I meant that maybe he'd contact me again somehow, and say anything to break the impasse. But men don't think that way, do they? In a man's mind, it's my turn to talk? I have to make the next move?

 

Can i really still reply? It's not too late? Do I apologize for taking so long, or try to explain it? I wish I had replied with the words you suggested. Maybe I should have come here earlier.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

I think your answer is a tad on the cynical side, but be that as it may, this part is interesting to me: When I read that story, it sounded to me like she was the one doing the ghosting and pretending to him, precisely because she did not want to sleep with him. I wonder if this is a reflection of general man/woman misunderstanding.

 

What was he supposed to do? Blow up her phone? Pester her with more emails? Show up on he doorstep? I think he did the only thing he could do, which was to interpret her silence as a complete shutdown. It doesn't sound like she meant for that to happen, but that's how I'd take it.

 

My interpretation is that he reached out to her to "fix" their relationship (whatever that means) and she nuked that request. I've had that experience, and it feels like a great big FU coming from someone you thought was close to you. It was very hurtful in my case. I doubt that's what she meant to say to him. It doesn't sound like, it, and sometimes, I think people who use silence as a reply don't think of how harshly this kid of reply is interpreted.

 

It must be National Silent Treatment Month or something. This is like the 5th thread I've read about that.

I can see how he might have interpreted my silence the way you did. That's what I'm afraid of, and no, I did not mean that at all.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your condolences.

 

Caving doesn't seem likely, does it? That word sounded a lot better in my head than when I read it in your reply, or in what I wrote. I meant that maybe he'd contact me again somehow, and say anything to break the impasse. But men don't think that way, do they? In a man's mind, it's my turn to talk? I have to make the next move?

 

Can i really still reply? It's not too late? Do I apologize for taking so long, or try to explain it? I wish I had replied with the words you suggested. Maybe I should have come here earlier.

 

I think the ship has sailed with the friendship thing between the two of you. Feelings are there, he's married and I highly doubt his wife would be thrilled that he has already fooled around behind her back with you.

 

I'm not sure if opening that door again would be a good or bad thing for you. If it helps you move on, then yes do it but word it such a way that the door is closed and you can just say that it wasn't right since he has a wife at home. It really is about that, isn't it? If he was single obviously things would be different.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

It's already passed the "we are just friends" phase. There's no going back from that in my opinion.

 

Listen,he's a predator. You almost got caught up in it, you were smart and pulled yourself out of it. Don't think anymore about his feelings or awkwardness. He's married. If he says anything else, remind him of that fact.

 

I'm spery for the loss of your husband. You will find love again....but don't fall for this type of love, it just leads to heartache

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not worried about finding love again. It just felt so nice to feel... it was like having a crush. Honestly, I felt guilty sometimes, not only because he was married, but because I felt like I was sharing a part of myself that belongs to my husband. I know that's silly, but that feeling is very real.

 

You, as well as other posters, seem to leave no room for the possibility that his affection for me was genuine. Is there something I wrote about him that is the sign of a predator, or is it that all men who are prepared to cheat on their wives predators by definition? I think there's a difference between somebody who gives in to his weaknesses vs. someone who is hunting for conquest. Don't you?

 

His wife might say the very same thing about me, except that I know I was weak for a while. If that was your husband, would you think poorly of me? I know I would.

 

I'm not sure how to say this - I'm not so worried about how he feels as I am that I caused him to feel that way needlessly. I could have just said, like an earlier poster suggested, that the friendship we were having was making me uncomfortable. I'm sure he would have understood that. If he was mourning the loss of my affection, that would be one thing, because that is necessary. But it is more than that now. I feel I caused a rupture that is bigger than just a failed romance. Right now, I feel just as unprepared for the conversation that would be necessary to fix it.

[Mumbles]

I think the ship has sailed with the friendship thing between the two of you.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

Its my experience that in life and love you get an opportunity window. Things can happen during this window. If something disrupts the feelings during this time then either or both love and friendship won't progress and the relationship effectively ends, even a thoroughly platonic one.

 

In this case, its wasn't going to be a platonic relationship. Investment was made and an age old road was trodden, but interrupted.

 

You may think that there should be an underlying friendship still in existence ... or at least potential ... but I'd argue that this is no longer the case, the window is closed, not by accident, but by intent, and both of you should now move on to meet-n-greet other new faces.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

I think the ship has sailed with the friendship thing between the two of you. Feelings are there, he's married and I highly doubt his wife would be thrilled that he has already fooled around behind her back with you.

 

I'm not sure if opening that door again would be a good or bad thing for you. If it helps you move on, then yes do it but word it such a way that the door is closed and you can just say that it wasn't right since he has a wife at home. It really is about that, isn't it? If he was single obviously things would be different.

Maybe I'm just fooling myself, but I think it would have been possible to limit things to friendship, even after having crossed the line we crossed. Now I'm not so sure and I feel like I'm to blame for closing both doors when I could have closed just the one. I'm sure we'll both be fine in time, but we're never going to be anywhere near the same because of me. If I had told him no, and he got angry because of that, I'd feel bad about it, but I would not feel responsible for it.

 

Yes, if he were single, I imagine things would be very different right now. Maybe I'm not ready for that either. I don't know, it doesn't really matter.

[Mumbles]

I feel I caused a rupture that is bigger than just a failed romance. Right now, I feel just as unprepared for the conversation that would be necessary to fix it.

 

With this, I agree with mightyCPA, things were going in an expected direction, slowly, then he felt like you just gave him the big FU.

 

You snapped out of the 'fog', but didn't let him know, directly, that this was the case ... his head was still _in_ the fog at this time, so, awfully confusing and more than a bit hurtful.

 

However, sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and live through our regrets. I'm sure we've all done things in our lives that we deeply regret, yet, once done, no amount of verbal placation will erase that which is already done.

 

Its normal for 'fixers' to want to fix things, and this is particularly strongly felt when you perceive that you've hurt someone ... but honestly, most of the time, once NC has happened, its better for the other party if you just live with your own regret and don't pick at the scab of the wound, even though your intentions are good.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

With this, I agree with mightyCPA, things were going in an expected direction, slowly, then he felt like you just gave him the big FU.

 

You snapped out of the 'fog', but didn't let him know, directly, that this was the case ... his head was still _in_ the fog at this time, so, awfully confusing and more than a bit hurtful.

 

However, sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and live through our regrets. I'm sure we've all done things in our lives that we deeply regret, yet, once done, no amount of verbal placation will erase that which is already done.

 

Its normal for 'fixers' to want to fix things, and this is particularly strongly felt when you perceive that you've hurt someone ... but honestly, most of the time, once NC has happened, its better for the other party if you just live with your own regret and don't pick at the scab of the wound, even though your intentions are good.

You're probably right. The cruel irony is that right now I think I feel the same thing he was trying to tell me about in his last email. I just now read his email to me again, and it sounds different today - like there was no hidden agenda, just a request to make things better. I don't like his silence either, it does hurt. This feels awful.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. They are helpful.

[freengreen]

So sorry about your husband .

 

You cant be friend anymore and you dont want to have an affair ( brava!). So just close the shop with a notice.

 

Tell him that it isnt going to work clearly and end it. Dont ghost or expect him to get the clues. Say it to him and walk away.

[Southern Sun]

Honestly, my opinion is that it's never too late.

 

Not that I think you should rekindle the relationship, as he is married. And there are no guarantees that you will be able to repair hurt feelings. But you have such regret over the way you handled things, that I think you won't be able to rest unless you reach out. Why not do it?

 

I assume that you have the ability to contact him. Who knows, it may give him answers that he's been seeking as well. If you can reach out safely, let him know what happened, while still maintaining your firm boundaries. Just tell him you did need the relationship to end, but you regret how it ended; and your purpose is to provide the answers you didn't before, if not for his sake, for your own. If you can do this in writing so he doesn't have to speak with you, I think that's better. If you don't hear from him, that's fine. You can move on.

 

Some may say it would be better to let it die, that it may hurt more for you to resurrect this. But there are just as many on the other side who would really have wished for just this kind of explanation. I think you need to decide what's best for YOU.

 

And no, I don't see him as some sort of predator that groomed you. I think he got carried away, as you did.

[Aqulesco]

sorry for the loss of your hubby. And congratulations in NOT becoming this married mans side piece. You were vulnurable since the loss of your husband and he tried to take advantage of that. Hes a sick predator and probably is a serial cheater. When a married man lures a woman into an affair he sees her is a disposable piece of human garbage.. Youre too good for that nonsense

[elaine567]

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

 

We live in adjoining neighborhoods with a common thoroughfare, I should have mentioned that.

 

I'm trying to make sense of your perspective. I don't feel like I was targeted by him, and if you are right, he put in a year to get a kiss, and there was never any pressure. If I hadn't encouraged him to kiss me, I don't think he would have done it. I'd like to believe he genuinely liked me, as horrible as wishing for that sounds. Your impression is so contrary to the person I came to know. It seems like he was in no hurry to bed me.

 

I get that he's moved on, or he's working on it. But I feel like I forced him into that.

 

I have no problem that the romantic part is gone, but I will miss the friendship.

 

I'm keeping an open mind.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Things is, he is married, he has a wife, so he is not "desperate" to kiss you nor is he in any hurry to bed you, he can afford to wait...

[WhatToDoKiddies]

So sorry about your husband .

 

You cant be friend anymore and you dont want to have an affair ( brava!). So just close the shop with a notice.

 

Tell him that it isnt going to work clearly and end it. Dont ghost or expect him to get the clues. Say it to him and walk away.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

 

I'm going to work on that email tonight. It feels very late, but better late than never.