Affair nipped in the bud, BUT

[WhatToDoKiddies]

You suddenly stopped all communication leaving your friend to guess what went wrong. You guys had a great friendship that went a bit too far. You can get your friend back if you would just level with him. He was left with an unexplained feeling of rejection. That's why he is so upset. If you want to salvage the friendship (and you can), you're going to have to contact him and just tell him what happened. Let him know you're not ok with the romance. Let him know how much you value his friendship. Whatever you do, don't leave him guessing. If his intentions were in fact predatory in nature, he will snub you. And, probably be quite rude bout it. Don't take it personally. If he is relieved to have his friend back, that will become obvious as well. Communication is key in any relationship, platonic or otherwise. When you suddenly stopped talking, he was left to speculate as to why.

 

I commend you for stopping the infidelity. That was the right thing to do. Stick to your guns.

Thank you. It's a little too late for that. I just got this email:

 

As you know, I really like you. I wanted to have a good relationship with you. All I really wanted was for you to tell me what you'd decided, and I'd have happily taken those steps backwards with you. Did you really think I'd be upset that you'd chosen to do the right thing, or that you have a good head on your shoulders? Did you think I was not struggling with some of the same thoughts too? Thinking back, now I can see this is not the first time you've treated me this way, and so I've decided that if this is what you do when things get the least bit difficult between us, then I need to take a break until it doesn't matter to me any more. You'll know when that day arrives. I'm telling you this because I don't like guessing games. That's all I have to say. Don't reply.

 

I feel so empty right now.

[Southern Sun]

I don't really wish to PURSUE anything new, I just want to make some kind of amends for the way I behaved. If that leaves us not speaking to each other, then I guess that's the way it is. It doesn't have to be warm, but it doesn't have to be ice cold either. There's a middle ground. NORMAL. One way or the other, the day is coming when we bump into each other in a group of friends. People will wonder why we are circling around each other in avoidance. I don't want those questions asked. I don't want to answer them.

 

I have to say, what gives me pause is what I've read here. I wonder if the general population thinks this way, specifically, if HE thinks this way, and maybe it isn't the best idea to contact him. Or maybe this forum is unusually dominated by a population of reformed sinners and/or people whose lives have been damaged by affairs. Not to absolve myself of wrongdoing, but I've read some of the stories, and they are far, far egregiously worse than anything I've ever done.

 

I'm still unclear about the best direction to go. What will cause the least social awkwardness? Silence until we see each other or should I reach out, and see if I can smooth any ruffled feathers beforehand? I don't know.

 

I guess you can only answer that question for yourself, because you don't know what will be most helpful for him. If it would relieve your anxiety or make you feel less awkward around him to explain yourself, then I would do it. You know that you aren't doing it to rekindle anything. If you are trying to make a decision based on his feelings, this will be really hard and you will stay ambivalent because you can't possibly know. You will get a thousand opinions from us on LS, many tainted by being burned in affairs, as you said. Trust your own instincts. Treat people how you would want to be treated. That's how you answer the question.

[Maddieandtae]

I think his email to you is about gaslighting and manipulation. You touched a nerve with this particular man and he did not like being rejected.

 

As awkward or uncomfortable as it might have been a real friend would have been able to talk with you about the feelings and actions that crossed the lines between the two of you without blaming and threatening. Because that's what's he's doing, being a bully not a friend.

 

You had a valid concern and now he's taken a "power" stand and is telling you he will allow you back in his life on his terms. Not yours.

 

If I were you I'd lose his contact info. I also don't think people are going to care if your still friends or not. Even if someone commented you would be able to answer however best suites you...we drifted apart...there was inappropriate feelings that were not suited to an authentic friendship...

[mightycpa]

I think his email to you is about gaslighting and manipulation. You touched a nerve with this particular man and he did not like being rejected.

 

As awkward or uncomfortable as it might have been a real friend would have been able to talk with you about the feelings and actions that crossed the lines between the two of you without blaming and threatening. Because that's what's he's doing, being a bully not a friend.

 

You had a valid concern and now he's taken a "power" stand and is telling you he will allow you back in his life on his terms. Not yours.

 

If I were you I'd lose his contact info. I also don't think people are going to care if your still friends or not. Even if someone commented you would be able to answer however best suites you...we drifted apart...there was inappropriate feelings that were not suited to an authentic friendship...

Really? Because I've read that email dozens of times and I don't see any invitation or terms for any kind of reconciliation. He says "I wanted", "I've decided", "You'll know", "That's all" and "Don't reply".

 

I appreciate you trying to support me, but I have to be able to make sense of what you say vs. the reality of the situation. If you read my original post, you'll see that he asked me a month ago if we could talk. He was the one who wanted to fix things. I've ignored his request ever since. I think that is the nerve I touched. If anyone is guilty of not being able to talk to a friend about crossing the lines, I'd have to say it's me.

 

It's not the end of the world, but I think I could have done a lot better.

[Maddieandtae]

Mmmm....i think this might be a situation of two user names belonging to one person....post 8 seems to indicate that anyways.....!

 

Really? Because I've read that email dozens of times and I don't see any invitation or terms for any kind of reconciliation. He says "I wanted", "I've decided", "You'll know", "That's all" and "Don't reply".

 

I appreciate you trying to support me, but I have to be able to make sense of what you say vs. the reality of the situation. If you read my original post, you'll see that he asked me a month ago if we could talk. He was the one who wanted to fix things. I've ignored his request ever since. I think that is the nerve I touched. If anyone is guilty of not being able to talk to a friend about crossing the lines, I'd have to say it's me.

 

It's not the end of the world, but I think I could have done a lot better.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Maddieandtae

[jah526]

Yes, very strange, especially since mightycpa is apparently male. Was this a fake post?

[Southern Sun]

What the......

[JuneL]

I can see how he might have interpreted my silence the way you did. That's what I'm afraid of, and no, I did not mean that at all.

Must be fun to reply to your own post?

[JuneL]

Yes, very strange, especially since mightycpa is apparently male. Was this a fake post?

 

Though, to be fair, nowhere did OP mention her/his gender. I guess this script applies to gay relationship too, fake or not.

[freengreen]

 

why did mighty answer like it was OP?!

 

what the heck is going on here ...

[jah526]

Though, to be fair, nowhere did OP mention her/his gender. I guess this script applies to gay relationship too, fake or not.

 

True, although she did mention she was a widow, and also that he liked her perfume. Assumed it was a woman.