What is going on here?

[LostHisWay]

So I will spare a long-winded story and cut to the chase with highlights so as to save you all time.

 

-Girl and I had been friends for a few years. We started to show some flirtation a couple years ago, but she began seeing someone shortly thereafter. We sporadically hung out, text, flirted, but nothing beyond.

 

-At the start of the year, she began reaching out more and more despite still having this same boyfriend. We didn't have long convos, but she would frequently communicate via text/social media/whatever. I knew something was changing.

 

-We eventually kissed for the first time the first time we hung out this year. Two weeks later, we had sex.

 

-Things got a little weird for us for a bit after. I knew she was still with her boyfriend - who I've met and, yes, hung out with her and him on occasion during the past two years - and didn't want to be too much so I played aloof and took a step back and limited our communication. She apparently took this as me being cold and distant, so she took a step back.

 

-Eventually, we hung out again and reconnected. Sex has followed. A good bit of it. She's been coming over ever 4-5 days or so for the past 4-5 weeks and texts/calls me almost every day.

 

-At first when we reconnected I thought it was just a booty call or FWB type of thing, and I was okay with that. Any feelings I had I said I'd push aside and I'd just enjoy this for what it was.

 

-But she has started to act "warmer" with me. On top of talking to me every day, she's opened up with me more deeply about her relationship issues with her boyfriend, told me private things about her family, admitted to "Social Media Stalking" me one day, asked me deeper questions about my past relationships, etc. etc.

 

-She even went out of town this weekend for a family member's big birthday party, and took the boyfriend. I thought she might end our affair or whatever this is after the weekend away, but the first thing she did on Sunday afternoon when she got back was reach out to me because she "wanted to see me". We hung out, but had no sex because it was that time of the month for her. Still, we had a deep convo about her family and she was very affectionate afterwards: cuddled, nearly fell asleep in my arms while we laid in bed, wanted a kiss goodbye.

 

My question to those wiser and with more experience than me is:

 

What is going on here? Obviously she's confused - she even told me the other day she doesn't know what she wants - but how should I approach this situation? Should I keep things as is and see what comes of it? Should I open up more with her or less given that she still has a boyfriend? What are chances she leaves him? I know some of you will say to cut it off completely, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I've thought about it, but not at that point yet. I know she could end things at any moment and I've mentally prepared myself as best I can for if/when that moment comes.

 

Let me know what you think! Thanks in advance.

Edited June 6, 2017 by LostHisWay

[somanymistakes]

Well, first, setting aside the moral questions for a moment, what do you want? Are you happy being sex-on-the-side? Are you looking for a relationship with someone else? If you get into a relationship with someone else, will you be happy to drop this? Do you want to be serious with this girl? If you were serious with this girl, would it bother you if she were behaving like this with someone else?

 

Knowing what you want is the first step in figuring out what to do about things.

[LostHisWay]

Well, first, setting aside the moral questions for a moment, what do you want? Are you happy being sex-on-the-side? Are you looking for a relationship with someone else? If you get into a relationship with someone else, will you be happy to drop this? Do you want to be serious with this girl? If you were serious with this girl, would it bother you if she were behaving like this with someone else?

 

Knowing what you want is the first step in figuring out what to do about things.

 

I've had a thing for my friend for a bit and am trying to be honest with myself. I enjoy her company, like hanging out with her, but am not "committed" to her. If she left him and wanted to pursue something, I'd likely be open to it despite her cheating here (probably a bad idea, I know). If not, then I'm fine with it just being what it is until I find someone else or she ends it. At least that is where my head is at right now, anyway.

Edited June 6, 2017 by LostHisWay

[mightycpa]

She's not confused. She might not be willing to say out loud what she wants, but she is not confused.

 

Let's review:

 

1) clearly, she likes you

2) clearly, she does not hate her boyfriend

 

as for not having sex with you after a weekend trip with her boyfriend, that could be TOTM, or it could be that having sex with two guys on the same day is a little too slutty for her self-image.

 

Maybe you could ask her how much her boyfriend knows about your situation, and start a conversation about where she sees this going. I think if you're too direct about it, she's going to throw you back into the sea.

 

That said, if you two do become a couple, pay attention to what she'd doing now, because this is how you're going to get dumped.

[LostHisWay]

One thing I left out that I think is noteworthy:

 

-I sent her a message a week or two ago and she was with her boyfriend, who was upset about me contacting her. She fabricated some lie/half-truth to him, but had to deal with his frustrations and anger. She told me what was going on almost immediately thereafter not because she wanted me to feel bad, but because she has "no one else to talk to" about this. She doesn't want to brag about being a cheater to her friends, who knew?

 

Anyway, I tried to be nice and told her maybe it was in her best interesting for us to end things. She responded by saying her boyfriend's frustrations were her problem, not mine, and that if him being mad because I messaged her was the reason for our whatever-this-is relationship changing, she'd be "super hurt".

[LostHisWay]

She's not confused. She might not be willing to say out loud what she wants, but she is not confused.

 

Let's review:

 

1) clearly, she likes you

2) clearly, she does not hate her boyfriend

 

as for not having sex with you after a weekend trip with her boyfriend, that could be TOTM, or it could be that having sex with two guys on the same day is a little too slutty for her self-image.

 

Very possible but I believe her because when we last had sex there was some blood that came out of her. She was stressed about in the days leading to the weekend getaway, and we talked about it a good bit. She asked if I had gotten checked recently, etc.

 

Maybe you could ask her how much her boyfriend knows about your situation, and start a conversation about where she sees this going. I think if you're too direct about it, she's going to throw you back into the sea.

 

That said, if you two do become a couple, pay attention to what she'd doing now, because this is how you're going to get dumped.

 

From what she's told me, her boyfriend used to like me from when we all hung out a few times last yea but that he doesn't anymore because she told him she was coming out with me for a social gathering a few weeks back. That and the ensuing message that he saw I sent her surely has him a bit uneasy, even if he's looking past it. But I'm not there in their relationship, so I don't really know.

 

Like you said, I'm avoiding putting pressure on her right now because I have a good hunch that it will end with her ending this.

[mightycpa]

Yes, that is important.

 

You are the FWB. Here's what I'd do:

 

1) next time you see her, say something like, your boyfriend, he's not going anwwhere, is he? You're going to keep him around?

 

You want to know what her plans are about that. The answer is probably that he's staying put.

 

2) if you are not seeing another girl right now, you have to start dating one of equal or better quality, right away, but keep it casual. This will help you tamp down your emotions of love and jealusy for your cheater girl, allowing you to make better decisions when they need to be made. Also, your value will rise in her eyes.

 

3) Enjoy!

[LostHisWay]

Yes, that is important.

 

You are the FWB. Here's what I'd do:

 

1) next time you see her, say something like, your boyfriend, he's not going anwwhere, is he? You're going to keep him around?

 

You want to know what her plans are about that. The answer is probably that he's staying put.

 

2) if you are not seeing another girl right now, you have to start dating one of equal or better quality, right away, but keep it casual. This will help you tamp down your emotions of love and jealusy for your cheater girl, allowing you to make better decisions when they need to be made. Also, your value will rise in her eyes.

 

3) Enjoy!

 

So, as life does, it threw an obstacle at me that changed things just as I was getting read to take your advice. I had even made plans with girls for this weekend!

 

The cheater girl had made plans with me for Wednesday -- I later found out her b/f had made advanced plans with his friends to go to out -- and she came over after work. We went out to eat, then came back to my place with some beers. We were talking, getting deep in convo for a couple hours, when the boyfriend text her saying he was going to her place. She told me she had to go, and -- even though I've known what the situation is -- that frustrated me. When I walked her to the door to say bye, she tried to kiss but I moved my face. It shouldn't have but the situation bothered me.

 

She ended up texting me shortly thereafter when she got home, apologizing for leaving so abruptly and how that was not fair to me. She wished me a good night -- I suspect b/f did go over -- and I left it alone and didn't write back because I was upset.

 

After collecting my thoughts overnight, I messaged her in the morning saying everything was fine (even thought they weren't for me) and that it was my fault because I shouldn't have gotten frustrated. She wrote back some lengthy message about how -- like you said with the b/f staying put -- she couldn't give me undivided attention or affection, not with "how things are right now anyway". But then she added a part about how she felt we have something more than just hooking up, whether it be "just a friendship or maybe a deeper connection", and that she didn't want to "disrupt" that. She apologized again for leaving early. I didn't write back immediately so she followed up an hour later with another message asking me what I was thinking, if I was okay, and that she was just telling me what was on her mind. I played it cool, like everything was good, but told her I was doing something else and would text her later.

 

So I guess now my question to you MightyCPA is: Where do I go from here? Should I push aside my apparent feelings and stay in the picture by continuing this FWB/affair thing that's going on? Do I continue it but at a less-frequent pace while seeing other girls? Should I take a step back and create some distance all togtehrer? Do I tell her how I feel and then just leave it up to her?

 

What's the play here? I still want to win her over despite the big red flags -- I felt like I was getting close, but maybe I'm wrong -- but also feel like maybe ending this is the best course of action as it'll force her to choose one way or the other. Continuing things the way they are feels like it would be a bad move since she'd have no real reason to make a decision, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I'm just confused and at a crossroads, and looking for assistance.

 

Anyone else that has advice/opinions, feel free to chime in. I'd greatly appreciate it, no matter what the suggestion is.

Edited June 10, 2017 by LostHisWay