Devastated wife cheated on me.

[Dc76017]

Couple of weeks prior to Memorial Day I noticed something different about my wife of 20 years. Little things that she either said or did brought me to look on her iPad while she was washing her car. I noticed on FB messager that she's been talking to someone (turns out he was a ex boyfriend of over 30 years ago)and the converstantions that I quickly seen was devastation. I took a few snap shots with my phone and waited until she returned home. As she walk through the door I asked her who this guy was and she seemed shocked at first that I caught her. I guess after that the questions started. I noticed then and the days to come that she seem frustrated and annoyed that I was asking different questions, I also didn't feel she was being 100% honest with me. She seemed like she had little remorse of what she did. We fought that whole week. That next morning I ask to see the tread, I could tell she was crazy about turning her phone over, but she did, but as I was starting to look through her phone she went to the bedroom and starting deleting something off prior to me seeing it. I should of printed everything off to look at later, but I just scanned thought there texts mainly looking at what she wrote. I was shocked she wrote things like I never loved anyone more then you, I fell out of love with my husband, and we only coexist in our marriage. She kelp saying things like she was to keep it going, she so much enjoyed the chats they was having. I was devastated, I got a pain in my gut that I didn't know would hurt so much.

 

Prior to me telling you guys some of her responses, I need give some history on us. 15 years I cheated on her 2 times back to back, She claims she forgave which I am thankful she did, but since then our sex life have been pretty bad and getting worse. The rest of our marriage I thought was perfect. I'm was and still so much in love with this girl. Now to some of her responses. First she said she like the feeling of the talks and what they had during the 3 week affair was something we didn't. Second she said it was only texting and nothing would ever happen that she would stop it before that happens, third she only wrote them things about our marriage to keep him interested and that she didn't mean them in her heart. Like I said after 3 days of fighting I just didn't feel any remorse in her tone, I didn't see any in her body language. Then she started to bring up me cheating 15 years ago, she started bringing up us not having a sex life and starting saying things like I don't know if we can get back what we had. To me she was taking the heat off of her and what she chose to do by saying our marriage was in trouble anyway. I took the bait, and put her affair on the back burner and came to her that I wanted us to work everything out, told her everything I would do to change and show her how much I love her, but I felt honesty was the foundation. Everything seemed better, the fighting stopped, and we left for the weekend. I would ask her different questions about the affair, and I still didn't feel like everything was out in the open a gut feeling. She claimed she cut ties, deleting everything and phones calls never happen except through messager system. I decided to check and sure enough she called him several times using her cell phone, so she lied to me again. I felt a kick in the gut again. As I approached her about I got the same body language as before, again she brought back me cheating and lack of sex in our marriage. This time I think I was starting to let go, if that's even a process. Then she came to me that she wanted to work it out, and she text him so she could get closure because he has pop in her mind couple of times.

 

To wrap this up, I just don't know what to do, I love my wife, I'm in love with my wife, but I just feel she don't feel the same about me and that hurts just to think about it. I have a gut feeling that there is more to this then what she is telling me, I'm not real sure she broke it off with him and find it odd and hurtful that she even thought about contacting him again to end it. What do I do, how do I get over this. Thanks to everyone that reads this, I feel alone in this and just needed to lean on someone.

[d0nnivain]

Tell her what you discovered. Ask her to go to MC, stop talking to her EX & work with you to rebuild the marriage. If she says no get a good lawyer.

[Unforseen]

You certainly aren't alone here. Many of us have suffered that same kind of betrayal and humiliation. D0nnivain has it right. She needs to drop all contact with her ex. You need to be allowed complete access to all of her devices and accounts to hold her accountable for that. And yes, your gut feeling that there is probably more going on than has yet been revealed is most likely accurate.

 

Matters are complicated slightly by your past affair but if that was completely dealt with and you are staying faithful then she is using that to lash out at you from her shame/humiliation and being caught in the act. She is on the defensive and trying to take the heat off of herself by redirecting that to you.

 

Your response to go into save the marriage panic mode is also very normal. It sounds like your wife and your marriage mean a lot to you and putting everything you have into saving that relationship is a natural result. Unfortunately as humans we don't always make the best decisions while panicking.

 

Filing for divorce may help as it is a process and can be stopped before it is final. But that would give some teeth to your requests for NC and full disclosure. It may also push her away completely depending upon where she is in her shame and her desires to stay married. A good place to start would be a process called the 180. It is about helping you rebuild your self esteem and also feeling some empowerment and regaining control of yourself in a situation in which you may feel completely helpless and confused.

 

I wish you well in these trying times.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Understanding the 180

[Dc76017]

Memorial Day, I caught my wife of 20 years having an online/phone call long distance affair with a past boyfriend that she has had no contact with for over 30 years, supposedly she was with him for 7 months, back when she was 15-16 years old which makes him her first love. At the time he was an adult, early 20s. 2-3 weeks prior to catching her I knew something was up, she seemed different, on this day when she left to wash her car I decided to look on her iPad that she left behind. Sure enough on Facebook messages I seen a tread from a guy I never heard of. Glancing through the conversations my heart drop. Not knowing what to do, I snapped couple of pictures with my phone, closed everything back up and waited for her return. When she got home I ask her who this guy was and what I found. She admitted to the affair, but something still wasn't right, she just didn't seem like she had any remorse. We talked most of the night and I told her it was end and she agreed.

 

Before I continue on to the next day, I need to tell everyone I'm no saint, 15 years I cheated on my wife twice back to back. Since the second time and my wife giving me another chance I have not once fib to her, my life has been a open book. However what I did damaged the relationship because since then our sex life has been dying on the vine and pretty much the last couple of years pretty much dead. I always through it was what I did, that she is still blaming me. Other then the sex part I believe our marraiage was perfect, she was and still my best friend.

 

Back to the story, what I found the next couple of days was some of the remarks she made to him, which broke my heart. Things like I never loved anyone more then you, I fell out of love with my husband etc....acourse she waive everything off as telling him what he wanted to hear because she didn't want it to stop. I still noticed little remorse other than saying she was sorry, and she screwed up. She kept bringing up my past affair comparing the two togeather. This week I found out she had called him when she told me she didn't and still had his number which she told me she didn't.

 

The affair hurt me pretty bad, but the way she has acted is hurting me worse. She claims she is done with this guy, she claims she wanted to work on our marriage. How do I believe her, how do I trust her, how do I move past this. I understand that because of my affair I deserve this. Just unsure what I need to do at this time.

 

D.C.

[aileD]

You didn't love her enough to stay faithful---twice.

 

That does a lot of damage. Doesn't seem like you both did the work to heal good enough from that. Even so she gave you the gift of reconciliation. Twice

 

Are you going to give her the same gift? I'd so you both must be all in and take drastic measures to fix the marriage. Major therapy, Msrriage and individual, all of it.

 

At this point her respect for you is gone. And yours for her.

 

It can be healed but only if you both really put 100% into it. Doesn't sound like either of you is wanting that.

[Cephalopod]

You both need serious counseling: individual and marital. But first, she needs to send the OM a no contact message with you witnessing it.

 

 

She may say she's ending it, but if she truly "loves" this other man, she will just find a way to take it underground.

[William]

Two similar threads merged so please continue the discussion here. Thanks!

[Crazelnut]

I don't see how this is salvageable. You cheated on her twice. Your marriage was limping along. She cheated AND trash talked you to the guy she's really in love with. What is there to save?!

[BaileyB]

I find it interesting that your wife cheated and you are "devastated," yet you state rather matter of fact that early in your marriage, you cheated on her not once - but twice.

 

I would say, payback is a b$$$$.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Kharma is hell...I am sorry..You cheated twice first...you will get no symapthy from me

[wmacbride]

I'm sorry you are in this position. Quite frankly, it sucks.

 

I'm not going to run you down or bring up your past affairs, as to me, they are not an excuse for why your wife cheated, and they likely aren't the reason. My guess is more that she got a a bit of flattery form him and was off to the races.

 

Whether you cheated before is certainly relevant when it comes to the need for marriage counseling or perhaps even divorce, but it doesn't not excuse her cheating. It's not karma, it's not payback, It was a series of consciously made choices over an extended period of time. It's not a "whoopsie", nit "mistake", she wasn't "pursued" and felt she couldn't say "no". She actively pursued the affair and fed it along, even going as far as to say she didn't love you and married the wrong person ( and then tries to say she didn't eman it or she was just trying to keep him).

 

She just wanted something she didn't feel she was getting, and she is no different than any other ws. Not a bad person, but making poor choices.

 

In fact, I am even less inclined to listen to any of her excuses for cheating as she knows from first hand experience how painful it can be. If it really is a case of a revenge affair some time after you cheated ( how long was it by the way?) then you may possibly stand a chance together. If it was just your typical garden variety affair, I don't see as much hope. It sounds like you both have weak boundaries.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm sorry you are in this position. Quite frankly, it sucks.

 

I'm not going to run you down or bring up your past affairs, as to me, they are not an excuse for why your wife cheated, and they likely aren't the reason. My guess is more that she got a a bit of flattery form him and was off to the races.

 

Whether you cheated before is certainly relevant when it comes to the need for marriage counseling or perhaps even divorce, but it doesn't not excuse her cheating. It's not karma, it's not payback, It was a series of consciously made choices over an extended period of time. It's not a "whoopsie", nit "mistake", she wasn't "pursued" and felt she couldn't say "no". She actively pursued the affair and fed it along, even going as far as to say she didn't love you and married the wrong person ( and then tries to say she didn't eman it or she was just trying to keep him).

 

She just wanted something she didn't feel she was getting, and she is no different than any other ws. Not a bad person, but making poor choices.

 

In fact, I am even less inclined to listen to any of her excuses for cheating as she knows from first hand experience how painful it can be. If it really is a case of a revenge affair some time after you cheated ( how long was it by the way?) then you may possibly stand a chance together. If it was just your typical garden variety affair, I don't see as much hope. It sounds like you both have weak boundaries.

 

in fact...it sets the groundwork

 

In the back of ones mind is the fact that their spouse cheated...not once but twice...that never goes away...NEVER

 

there will forever be the question ...WHY..why wasnt i good enough...what did i do wrong....

 

The foundation of the relationship is forever changed...

 

revenge affairs can happen at any time...ANY time...

 

sometimes it is the price you pay...no matter how long it has been since you cheated

[JohnAdams]

Kharma is hell...I am sorry..You cheated twice first...you will get no symapthy from me

 

Yep,,,,,,,,

[BluesPower]

Yes just end it...

 

You cheated first, 2 wrongs don't make one right, but that really does not matter. It really is no excuse.

 

I am guessing that you were both too young to deal with your affairs and it got improperly handled. From both her and you.

 

The other thing is, she is lying to you about everything. And odds are that she may have or is seeing someone local. So read on LS and figure out how to deal with all this.

 

Or you can just start the D process.

 

Just a question, when did the sex stop in your marriage and why did you allow it to continue? Did you guys have any REAL conversations about it?

 

Oh, one more thing, she has cheated physically with somebody, or else she would not continue to remind you that your marriage is sexless.

 

Question is, what do you want to do...

[MuddyFootprints]

Yep,,,,,,,,

 

If infidelity is kharma*

 

What did you do to deserve your cosmic payback, John?

[Jersey born raised]

Yes your adultery set the stage, she is the one that took it front and center. Two wrongs do not make a right. If she was posting I would ask her "remember how you felt when he cheated? How could you so that to someone else?"

 

What did you do to help her heal? Think hard, at the very least hold her to that standard.

 

You both mention a lack of sex. So this is not a low drive vs high drive marriage. Why did both of you allow this to happen?

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, after reading through your thread the only conclusion I can come to is that when you cheated so many years ago and that too, twice, you poisoned your marriage which then slowly started withering away. I think your wife lost respect for you those many years ago and as time went on whatever feelings she had for you just started fading away. Although you may not have noticed or chosen to purposely ignore the little signs over a period of time that should have alerted you to the waning of your marriage, the process had been set in motion all those many years ago.

 

At this stage I guess your wife just does not love you. This may be an exit affair on her part or just a way of satisfying her emotional needs but as far as you are concerned she is done and over with you. The kindest thing that you can do both for yourself and her is to file for divorce. As the saying goes " Your chickens have come home to roost"! Warm wishes.

[Superchicken]

Sir Isaac Newton even called it, hundreds of years ago.

 

 

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction"

 

 

He was a smart man, "Always".

 

 

You were dumb twice, but her, we don't know, but its at least ONCE.

 

 

Now you get smart. Its over, unless you two can really work it out.

 

 

No more time wasting, if there's is ANY doubt, then get the hell out !.

 

 

Ted

[jonathanhayashi]

Dc76017,

 

I’m sure you’re having a mixed feeling at this point. Reading through all the comments that were responded as well, I just want to say I am sorry for all that has happened of this journey. I sense hurt, anger, confusion, frustration… etc

 

I have to agree with @Unforseen with many of the points. Have you both thought and sought after MC? I know you briefly mentioned an overview what has happened and the history as well, but that may be helpful to have a safe environment to talk through some of these things.

 

I will say not to give up honestly. If there is a desire to work things out with God’s help, I think it is very doable.

 

Praying for you and your marriage.

[Zenstudent]

OP, you have shown your wife, by your actions, that you don't value monogamy in a relationship. Why should she bother staying monogamous for you?

 

I'm afraid I don't understand why this is even a problem. Can you please explain this?

[Rouik]

I'm sorry your going through this, if you can convince her to try marriage counseling that could help. It sounds like you both have some stuff to work through in forgiving the other person. I will be praying for you and your family, good luck and best wishes.