Wookin Pa Nub Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 I have posted on here before of issues with my wife (now separated, married 17 years) and my infatuation with my college gf which has caused serious issues in my marriage. Even with the issues I couldn't stop thinking about this girl. I reconnected with college gf in February. I didn't know what to expect and things escalated VERY rapidly. I left my wife at end of April but didn't disclose it was for my college gf. During this time I hated the pain I caused my wife and my kids. I missed my kids mostly and it made me depressed. This past weekend my brother sent me a letter and it hit home that my family was the only thing that matters at the end of the day. My brother didn't know many details. After thinking about my brothers letter and my wife was insisting via texts that my college gf was the root of this, I became overwhelmed with the stress of the situation. I had serious doubts if I was doing the right thing. I missed the security of my family (wife and kids). I confessed everything to wife yesterday. We agreed to seek further counseling. She is not sure what she will do but she is open to reconciling. I still have strong feelings for ex. I am not sure if they will ever go away. W says if I contact ex gf again, its over. I would be happier with her but the thought of hurting my kids is overwhelming. I love my wife, she is a great friend and there's more substance to our relationship just not head over heels love & attraction. I love the family unit and security. If I decide to return to wife I don't want to hurt her down the road by still having feelings for my ex gf. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 I have posted on here before of issues with my wife (now separated, married 17 years) and my infatuation with my college gf which has caused serious issues in my marriage. Even with the issues I couldn't stop thinking about this girl. I reconnected with college gf in February. I didn't know what to expect and things escalated VERY rapidly. I left my wife at end of April but didn't disclose it was for my college gf. During this time I hated the pain I caused my wife and my kids. I missed my kids mostly and it made me depressed. This past weekend my brother sent me a letter and it hit home that my family was the only thing that matters at the end of the day. My brother didn't know many details. After thinking about my brothers letter and my wife was insisting via texts that my college gf was the root of this, I became overwhelmed with the stress of the situation. I had serious doubts if I was doing the right thing. I missed the security of my family (wife and kids). I confessed everything to wife yesterday. We agreed to seek further counseling. She is not sure what she will do but she is open to reconciling. I still have strong feelings for ex. I am not sure if they will ever go away. W says if I contact ex gf again, its over. I would be happier with her but the thought of hurting my kids is overwhelming. I love my wife, she is a great friend and there's more substance to our relationship just not head over heels love & attraction. I love the family unit and security. If I decide to return to wife I don't want to hurt her down the road by still having feelings for my ex gf. I don't know what to do. Easy. Cease ALL contact with the ex gf. Unfriend and block her on Facebook. Block her cell phone number. Delete all emails. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 You know what your feelings are. But you have to make a conscious decision to go NC with the ex girlfriend and make it work with your family. Its not going to be easy, but if you are determined to make a go of it with your wife and your family, you owe it to them to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 You have serious doubts and uncertainty about what you want. You need to explore how you really feel, and random posts on a forum aren't going to help you much with that. Most people will just blindly say "stick with your wife". And I might be tempted to say "run off with your ex!" because of my history but that's equally blind and won't really address your question. Tell your ex that you are trying to make things work, and then go no contact for the duration of the counselling. If the MC does not work, if you cannot be happy with your wife, then have the courage to divorce her and pursue your ex. Yes, you will lose security and there will be a lot of disruption. You most likely will not lose your children, though you will see them less than you would living together. You may lose friends, a lot of people may be angry with you. You will have to have the strength to fight for your choice. And if you can make things work with your wife? Have the courage to block your ex completely so that the two of you cannot contact each other. It will not be easy. You will think about her sometimes and it will hurt. You will just have to deal with it and have the strength to fight for your choice. There is no solution to your situation that will make things nice and simple 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 You can see your kids half the time no matter who you end up with because the court will grant you joint custody. Neither of these women is going to put up with you communicating with the other, and rightly so, so if you get joint custody and a divorce, you would have to communicate through a court-appointed mediator. I don't recommend this because it's just burdensome since you are not on that bad of terms to begin with. But you've got to put on your big boy pants and decide what's the best thing to do for your kids here. If you and your wife fight a lot (or will now), that's not good for the kids. But neither is the family splitting. And there is no guarantee things will work out with your ex-gf anyway. She's an ex for a reason and you've forgotten what that was in the heat of the moment. Honestly, I suggest you decide to stay or leave the marriage on its own merits having nothing to do with the ex-gf. If you want to leave without having someone to run to, then maybe it's time. But if you'd have stayed in it fairly content if not for this person reappearing, then it's a bad move and unfair all around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 you need to be single for a while. A relationship with either of these women will be a sad mess because you're not ready to fully commit. Link to post Share on other sites
Rouik Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 The lust you feel for your college GF, will fade. after a while the new a fresh will not be as exciting and will become the norm. If you love your wife then that is a choice you must make, love goes beyond a physical fling. if you choose this GF what will you do 6 months or a year from now when the feeling starts to fade and you have to make the choice to stay? I say choose your family, your wife and kids that's the life worth fighting for. If she is willing to work on it then she is worth working on yourself for, a lot of women would be gone right away but she wants you around. Stop all contact with the other woman, you will not be able to move past her and work on your marriage while maintaining any form of contact with the college GF. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 There come these moments where you have a decision. One move is to let the moment pass and let the decision make itself. Either you decide, or wait till the options disappear. Maybe the wife and kids was also a decision that you let happen to you rather than making. But, it's the path you're on and the decision you made overtly or by default. Take the counseling, and stick with your past decisions, but get out in front of future decisions and make them before they are made for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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