avvril3000 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Why do men suddenly decide they want to get married as opposed to staying in a long term relationship? what does marriage mean to a man (in the postive aspect of it)? i know what marriage means to women... its a lot to do with security, emotionally and financially when they want to have a family, about knowing your man is with you forever (or the concept of it at least), its about the confession of eternal love. What do men get out of marriage? What do men want out of marriage? i want to be married oneday. I want a family, i want a forever love, a best friend for life. i have had many long term relationships that have gone nowhere. i know my current relationship, i know he is "the one". I would marry him in an instant if he asked. We havent been dating for long yet so i'm not expecting him to do it, but i do have the hope of it in the future. But the fact that all my other relationships havent progressed to that stage makes me a bit nervous that this guy may not get there too. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 It's going to mean different things to different men. Some of them want what you want: love, security, a BFF, etc. Others do it because it's "expected of them" Trick is to find one who's reasons & core values fit yours. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 While you (rightly) aren't expecting him to make promises to you at this stage, it's perfectly reasonable to discuss what he thinks of marriage in a general sense. Is it something he wants for himself one day? Have you talked about marriage in a general sense? Does he know that you hope to marry one day? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Men want to get married for the same reasons generally that women do... as for the benefits, have you ever read anything about married men and happiness? Men get way more out of marriage than women. That said, there are always going to be some men that want to stay bachelors forever... They don't wear a sign. You just have to look for a relationship that keeps progressing appropriately. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 My observation is that most men get married in order to have kids. The other reason is that they don't want to lose the woman the woman who really wants to get married. Otherwise they get the same benefits out of a stable long-term relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Have you heard of Dr. Pay Allen? She frequently cites a study where men married for sex and women married for security. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Sex is easy enough to come by without getting married. Sex with a particular woman maybe, but in many cultures these days most people have sex before marriage anyway. Now, you might say that you get married for the promise of sex with the same person regularly for the long term, but that IS "security". it's just security with a slightly different focus. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 I want to be with her for life and she wanted to get married so I did it for her. I would be happy with or without the piece of paper but it makes her happy and her happiness matters to me. I admit it is nice making it more official. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avvril3000 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 Sex is easy enough to come by without getting married. Sex with a particular woman maybe, but in many cultures these days most people have sex before marriage anyway. Now, you might say that you get married for the promise of sex with the same person regularly for the long term, but that IS "security". it's just security with a slightly different focus. Like you said, sex is easy to come by without marriage. So i just dont see any point to men getting married? They have no need, no reason to. A woman in general stops working for a period of time to bring up the kids, but men generally don't. Yes there are exceptions to this general rule, but thats kinda how society is in place. I still don't see why a man would wanna get married. If i was a man,i'm not entirely sure i would want to. Mind you, i WANT my man to be at that place with me. And yes we've talked about it, he wants it in the future too. So i least we have the same goals. In my mind i struggle with wanting to believe men see value in marriage too, but i just dont' see why they would. I hear story after story about how men become unattracted to their wives because they don't look like how they did when they married ... and cheat. Or things dont work out, they divorce and the woman gets all the money which leaves the man finanically dry. It doesnt sound like men benefit from the marriage deal at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avvril3000 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 I want to be with her for life and she wanted to get married so I did it for her. I would be happy with or without the piece of paper but it makes her happy and her happiness matters to me. I admit it is nice making it more official. Awe, thanks for this. <3 that makes me happy. I think i'm jaded by adult life and hearing so much relationship crap out there. I think i'm jaded about men. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Like you said, sex is easy to come by without marriage. So i just dont see any point to men getting married? They have no need, no reason to. Do you really think sex is the only motivation for ANYTHING men do in their lives, EVER? This seems like a very depressing way to think about men. Even the guys in here insisting that guys will lie constantly to get sex say they love their wives! Most humans want family. They want people that they love, and who will love them in return. They don't just want an endless stream of meaningless sexual encounters. They want someone who knows and understands them and cares about them. Someone they can protect. Someone who makes them feel good about themselves. Someone who will always be there for them. For some there's a possessive instinct - MY house, MY wife, MY kids. Marriage lets them build their own little kingdom to defend and compete in the endless war for status. For others, there's the desire to prove their love by making a long-term, socially-approved pledge. Even gay men still want to get married. Not all of them, but certainly many do. They want to be able to say see this? see this love? It's real and it's going to last! And of course there are tax and other financial and legal benefits to marriage. Insurance. Inheritance. Lots of things. In my mind i struggle with wanting to believe men see value in marriage too, but i just dont' see why they would. I hear story after story about how men become unattracted to their wives because they don't look like how they did when they married ... and cheat. Well, some men are jerks. And yet despite that they still wanted to get married... Or things dont work out, they divorce and the woman gets all the money which leaves the man finanically dry. Ex-wives do not get 'all' the money. They get some. This makes some men very upset because they don't see why she should get any of "his" money once she's not married to him anymore. An ex may get a share of the money and that may feel very unfair but she does not get all the money. There is a situation in which men can struggle under the financial burden of their past relationships but it's usually not because of marriage at all... it's because of guys who go around getting every woman on the street pregnant. if you're paying child support to five different women then yes you're going to start having money problems. but that didn't require marriage, that was about not knowing how to use a condom. Don't think I've ever heard of anyone paying alimony to five ex-wives, and since those settlements are usually based on how long the marriage was anyway, if you marry and dump a whole string of women, you won't be ont he hook the same way you'd be if you got a lot of people pregnant. So in a way men are at more financial risk by being single studs than by getting married. After all if you sleep with one woman every night you can only get her pregnant once, whereas if you sleep with a different woman every night... It doesnt sound like men benefit from the marriage deal at all. Even if you completely discount love (which is sad) the studies bear out that men gain greatly from marriage. They generally get a lot of free housekeeping and caring provided by their partner. Their happiness improves, their stress decreases, their health improves. Men live longer and are better off if they are married! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avvril3000 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 Do you really think sex is the only motivation for ANYTHING men do in their lives, EVER? This seems like a very depressing way to think about men. Even the guys in here insisting that guys will lie constantly to get sex say they love their wives! Most humans want family. They want people that they love, and who will love them in return. They don't just want an endless stream of meaningless sexual encounters. They want someone who knows and understands them and cares about them. Someone they can protect. Someone who makes them feel good about themselves. Someone who will always be there for them. For some there's a possessive instinct - MY house, MY wife, MY kids. Marriage lets them build their own little kingdom to defend and compete in the endless war for status. For others, there's the desire to prove their love by making a long-term, socially-approved pledge. Even gay men still want to get married. Not all of them, but certainly many do. They want to be able to say see this? see this love? It's real and it's going to last! And of course there are tax and other financial and legal benefits to marriage. Insurance. Inheritance. Lots of things. Well, some men are jerks. And yet despite that they still wanted to get married... Ex-wives do not get 'all' the money. They get some. This makes some men very upset because they don't see why she should get any of "his" money once she's not married to him anymore. An ex may get a share of the money and that may feel very unfair but she does not get all the money. There is a situation in which men can struggle under the financial burden of their past relationships but it's usually not because of marriage at all... it's because of guys who go around getting every woman on the street pregnant. if you're paying child support to five different women then yes you're going to start having money problems. but that didn't require marriage, that was about not knowing how to use a condom. Don't think I've ever heard of anyone paying alimony to five ex-wives, and since those settlements are usually based on how long the marriage was anyway, if you marry and dump a whole string of women, you won't be ont he hook the same way you'd be if you got a lot of people pregnant. So in a way men are at more financial risk by being single studs than by getting married. After all if you sleep with one woman every night you can only get her pregnant once, whereas if you sleep with a different woman every night... Even if you completely discount love (which is sad) the studies bear out that men gain greatly from marriage. They generally get a lot of free housekeeping and caring provided by their partner. Their happiness improves, their stress decreases, their health improves. Men live longer and are better off if they are married! Thanks for your post full of heart. You are absolutely right, this is a great post with lots to agree on and think about. Like i said, i think i may be jaded, but this doesnt mean i can't change my mind. I want to believe the good sides of men's desires and needs and wants. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 For some guys, I think they believe somehow that it "locks down" a woman....Kind of a territorial type of thing... TFY 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 For some guys, I think they believe somehow that it "locks down" a woman....Kind of a territorial type of thing... TFY Not me. I know damn well that marriage will never make a woman more loyal if she is not already loyal. That piece of paper does nothing to fix bad personality traits and in fact makes them worse most times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I married because it was expected or I was "supposed to". It was the right "time". The woman I was with at the time was decent. Still is. So, I did it. Worst mistake of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 i would hope men get married because they want and see themselves together forever with the woman they truly love.....well...that iswhat i believe you should get married for.....to be of one mind and one heart and one life with god's blessing and support ....to make it a union that lasts forever..........too soppy huh...yeah...probably why i never married..but...i live in hope.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Have you heard of Dr. Pay Allen? She frequently cites a study where men married for sex and women married for security. That's a vast oversimplification...of both genders. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Because we are just gluttons for punishment........ TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 well , 20s and 30s, it was always the girl and huge pressure and guilt if you didn't marry her. had 4 different gf's that all wanted to get married and eventually had to get out just to be fair to them bc l didn't. but when l met my wife l knew that day l'd marry her. it was just all the love stuff and feelings and the person she was , the way we were just wanted her to be my partner.. just the right girl l guess Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Awe, thanks for this. <3 that makes me happy. I think i'm jaded by adult life and hearing so much relationship crap out there. I think i'm jaded about men. Marriage was invented by men. As were the old school fairy tales (i.e. Cinderella, Snow White, etc.) Remember that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) nah ,sex is a reason not to get married, how the hell are you suppose to want sex with the same person 20yrs later , looks gone , over weight,3 kids.10 operations. Even if they've kept their looks and everything's still working you've still been stoking the same fire 20yrs. And that's where love and being into the person just has to come into it because then , it's because of those feelings for the person, same with affection. Edited June 7, 2017 by Chilli Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) It was expected. I tried to be that guy. I don't know. But I don't see what else is worth doing. For more. Than a complementary hand clap. Edited June 7, 2017 by Imported Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Men want to get married for the same reasons generally that women do... as for the benefits, have you ever read anything about married men and happiness? Men get way more out of marriage than women. That said, there are always going to be some men that want to stay bachelors forever... They don't wear a sign. You just have to look for a relationship that keeps progressing appropriately. I personally am fine being single and in a LTR. Ive done the married thing and other than it being a societal thing to do, could care less about ever getting married again. I do take every relationship seriously: trust, honesty, respect, openness etc so its not like I'm running amuck but marriage...I just don't believe in it. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I don't think most men want to get married, per se. I think that sometimes we meet the right girl, and suddenly we can't see ourselves living without her. Then marriage makes sense to us. I know a couple of my friends who did that. Used to have all sorts of excuses to not marry but when the right girl came , they were ready before the girl and got married. Never regretted their decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Like you said, sex is easy to come by without marriage. And yes we've talked about it, he wants it in the future too. So i least we have the same goals. In my mind i struggle with wanting to believe men see value in marriage too, but i just dont' see why they would. I hear story after story about how men become unattracted to their wives because they don't look like how they did when they married ... and cheat. Or things dont work out, they divorce and the woman gets all the money which leaves the man finanically dry. It doesnt sound like men benefit from the marriage deal at all. Not all men find sex easy to get. Just look at this board at all the bitter guys who complain. I know several guys in my social circle who struggle to get dates. Beyond sex, I've found a number of men who just want to be appreciated, heard, and listened to. That's not something that many men find within their guy friends. So many men have told me stories where a woman stood out because she listened to him and appreciated him. This is one the big hustles women in positions like Hooters waitress and strippers use because it works. Plus it's not always men who get burned during the divorce. I made more than my XH when we divorced and he dragged me to the cleaners for everything. My lawyer told me she had several women in similar situations. It goes both ways now in a lot of places, I don't think most men want to get married, per se. I think that sometimes we meet the right girl, and suddenly we can't see ourselves living without her. Then marriage makes sense to us. Good point! For some guys, I think they believe somehow that it "locks down" a woman....Kind of a territorial type of thing... TFY I've heard this mentioned by some of the men I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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