Need opinion on wife and younger guy

[tipper12]

Last December my wife and her bosses 21 year old son got very flirtacious at the office christmas party and got me totally pissed. As time went on they became what my wife calls "friends". I don't really think anything went on, but there has been a record of not so frequent cell phone calls made from her to him which only last about a minute or 2. However, I checker her cell phone once and found out that the picture she has on the phone when he calls was a picture taken as a joke in the shop of his hand on her rear end. some of the other girls in her shop did the same thing as a joke supposedly, but I got completely pissed and told her any other guy would have thrown her out. Things have calmed down but every time this guys name comes up I get pissed off and i've told her that. This is a black cloud hanging over an otherwise great marriage. we have 3 kids and I dont think a 44 year old woman whose married with 3 kids should be acting like this. That pic on her cell phone has showed a total lack of respect for me. Any opinions. Yes, I do pay the cell phone bill so I feel i had the right to check her phone calls. opinions please?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Let me ask you a simple question. If the roles were reversed, do you think your wife would mind? The answer is hell yes. It sounds uncomfortable and possibly a problem. I agree she is disrespecting you. I would be watching very carefully. It is common for people in an affair to go out and buy phone cards. The fact that she calls him for 1 minute on her regular phone may be a clue that something is happening and she will talk to him later on a phone card.

I guarantee you that she is thrilled that a 21 year old finds her hot. It is sad that she showed you so little respect at your own party with this kid. I would be watching very carefully.

[tipper12]

I watch it like a hawk,believe me. Getting my itemized phone call list on my regular home phone from my phone company. not happy with all this...total lack of respect

[tipper12]

your right man. i'm getting a copy of my home phone bill by itemized call. I'm like a hawk on this.

[Cecelius]

You need to put an end to this bs, since she's going down a slippery slope.

 

The X-Mas party was skanky AND dopey -- there is no reason for a taken woman to act like that. At the time you should have said simply and calmly that once was not okay and that you DO see her in a different light than you have before, but a second time would result in dumpsville.

 

On the continued relationship with this kid, I would explain that its not appropriate, the picture is not appropriate and chatting away with the kid is not appropriate and that if she's not going to act the way a married woman ought to, you're not going to be constrained by your obligations.

 

She will say you are overreacting. Be calm and ignore it. She will say you cannot tell her what to do. Be calm and tell her you are not telling her what to do, you are telling her what you'll deal with and what you won't. What she does is up to her.

[UltimateZen]

You've got to nip this in the bud. The best route is the direct route. Approach her and ask her to stop contact with this guy before the (what she thinks) innocent flirtation gets out of hand and she does something will regret. Obviously you have to walk on thin ice so as not to push her closer to him, but you should not be passive about this. If this continues she will validate that this behavior is acceptable and something she can get away with. Then, talk to her why she thinks having other guys hands' on her ass is acceptable. What would the children think if they saw someone other than daddy being coochie coo with mommy?

[tipper12]

you're right. At the least, this is an innapropriate relationship for a 44 year old married woman to have in common with a 21 year old guy. I'm as calm as I can be, but she's fully aware of my feelings on this. It's a black cloud in an otherwise good marriage. It nags the hell out of me. she should realize that it shows a total lack of respect towards me I check her cell phone records, which she got pissed off but screw that. The calls arent that frequent and short in duration. I'm just trying to find out if they'res someway longer calls are being made without me knowing.Unfortunately my cell phone company has no record of who makes the incoming calls....

[Cecelius]

I would take the direct approach, and I would not emphasize how you feel so much as emphasizing that it ends, now. Worrying about pushing her to him? If she goes, you kind of have your answer. Just tell her to act like a decent person, or you're not interested in being married to her.

[tipper12]

Unfortunately when I approach this subject, she tells me that I'm ridiculous to think that she's ever have anything to do with a 21 year old, especially her bosses son whose she's known since he was born. i'm sorry, but that whole cell phone pic thing really flew me off the handle. The cell phone calls arent that bad, since they were not that close to each other and short in duration. But there was a spike in May where short calls were made on May 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 19th, 26th. i'm sure some of the calls have to do with work, but this whole situaion has me very uneasy and I jsut don't go for it. She's never given me a reason to mistrust here, but this thing has me pissed off and I can't get past it right now. his name comes up in conversations cause of work. She doesn't seem to think it should bother me. A44 year old wonan having this kind of freindship with a 21 year old is at the least INAPPROPRIATE. This guy is known to have had something with another woman in her 40;s so he wouldnt give a crap about what he did. Don't trust this thing at all.

[tipper12]

The thing that set me off last december that started all this was that everyone was on the dance floor and he pretended to put his face in my wifes chest, which is very big. unfortunately she played along with it and let him pretend to do it.....you have no idea how that set me off. It was a total public embarrasment to me..

[Bryanp]

Again I think this is bad news. She knows this kid screwed around with another 40 something woman yet she continues. I think she may call him when it deals with business but do not be surprised to find a phone card which cannot be traced.

 

Her behavior at the party was totally disrespectful to you and shows that she too was into it. Again it is a big ego boost to have a young kid lusting over her. The fact that you have made it clear how much you are against this and she still continues hurting your feelings I think says a great deal. I would suggest marriage counseling to try to understand why she seems to care so little for your feelings. I really think where there is smoke there could be fire. She did not care that she public humiliated you so why should she care that you are upset now? I think you really have a problem. I wish you luck.

[tipper12]

Bryan, I agree. At the least, the picture on the cell phone showed a complete and total lack of respect, even if you discount everything else. I have been around the 2 of them at the same time. There doesn't appear to be any type of rapor between these 2 that would lead me to believe anything ever happened. But, all it takes is one night, even if it was never an ongoing thing. she gets very defemsive when I bring it up. Like I said, at the least it's an inappropriate relationship for a married 44 yr. old woman with 3 kids to have with a 21 year old...Believe me, I check those damn cell phone records all the time. Only 1 call last month. Maybe I'm overlyconcerned. Who knows?

[RecordProducer]

He could be her son. I don't believe that she had anything to do with him. She was playful. I am not defending her, it wasn't right, but she made a mistake and it's time for you to forgive her.

Nothing so bad has happened. Relax and get it out of your mind. If you were flirtatious with an attractive and youthful 60-year old woman would your wife be jealous? Probably not. Well I am sure she sees this kid as you'd see an old woman. Otherwise she would be much more careful about the whole thing. I don't see anything so terrible here.

[tipper12]

Thanks record. I tend to agree with you at this point

[Mr.positive]

I don't think theres a probleml. I just think she likes the attention. Not a cool thing to do but this actually gives you a chance to grow and not be jelous so look at this as a positive thing. Good luck.

[Cecelius]

She still acked inappropriately in public AND speaks to him on the phone -- there's no reason for that at all. You could get past the party incident if it was isolated, but there's more going on than just that (and for the record, whether she cheats or not, the one incident and the continued relationship are shady on their own -- who cares if it moves to something else?)

 

I say let it go to the extent that she drops contact with the guy. This is your wife, and your wife should not be reckless with actions that may humiliate you. Further, liking the attention is not relevant: she's not an 18 yo at a frat party.

[SUNSHINE143]

Does anyone remember all those women who had their husband's killed by their teenage lovers? It could really happen.

 

Bottom line is no married women shoul behave the way she is. don't put an affair past an older women and a younger man. That's more fun for a man then dating someone his own age.

 

Just talk to her like Cecelius said. Good luck

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

If you were flirtatious with an attractive and youthful 60-year old woman would your wife be jealous? Probably not. Well I am sure she sees this kid as you'd see an old woman. Otherwise she would be much more careful about the whole thing. I don't see anything so terrible here.

 

Would not the correct analogy be a 21-year old woman who had shown an interest in the original poster? Surely he could take it as an ego boost, could not he? And would his wife be jealous? Or would you think men in situations like that can only think with their private parts?

People in affairs don't always act in the smartest way to actually conceal the affair, now do they? I don't think anything is going on, but it is suspicious to say the least.

 

I agree with Cecelius:

I say let it go to the extent that she drops contact with the guy. This is your wife, and your wife should not be reckless with actions that may humiliate you. Further, liking the attention is not relevant: she's not an 18 yo at a frat party.