Anniveve Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) Today he came home. We've been separated for almost 6 months. Lived together for 15 years. Couples counseling scheduled to begin next week. In addition to repairing trust at this point, I discovered today that he was living with another woman for the past 4 months - a co-worker, that is currently blowing up his phone. I read some of her text messages, with his knowledge. She is asking for closure. She is in love with him. Prior to today I had no knowledge of her. He broke NC several weeks ago with me via email with the news that he wanted to reconcile. He was sorry. He made a mistake. He did not mention her. A boulder sized omission. I think she deserves closure. However, he tells me that she has been aware for several weeks now that he was intent on leaving and that it the relationship with her was ending. My question is - what role, if any, would you take? He has never been unfaithful. His leaving had nothing to do with infidelity. Technically, we were not together when he began this relationship, so I hold no animosity. We do have trust issues completely unrelated to this. I'm hopeful counseling will help. I'm inclined to encourage him to write or call her and tell her again - that it is over and to block her. It is complicated by the fact that he works with her still, but I'm not feeling jealous, just interested in finding the most humane way that he can convey to her that the relationship is in fact over. What does raise some concerns for me is that he was not forthcoming in telling me prior to today that he was living with her. (Email contact primarily lead us back together. I had insisted on counseling prior to agreeing to reunite. Talking to him today on the phone, he sounded desperate to leave. Like fleeing the scene of a crime. So, I agreed to allow him to come back prior to beginning counseling.) While I am generally optimistic, there are moments when I'm not sure if I want to hug him or hit him right now.. This does complicate the process of reconciliation. It does bring into question whether or not I'm simply a 'soft place to fall' on the heels of failed relationship. What would you're reaction be given the same circumstances? Edited June 7, 2017 by Anniveve Link to post Share on other sites
Hurtingguy Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Today he came home. We've been separated for almost 6 months. Lived together for 15 years. Couples counseling scheduled to begin next week. In addition to repairing trust at this point, I discovered today that he was living with another woman for the past 4 months - a co-worker, that is currently blowing up his phone. I read some of her text messages, with his knowledge. She is asking for closure. She is in love with him. Prior to today I had no knowledge of her. He broke NC several weeks ago with me via email with the news that he wanted to reconcile. He was sorry. He made a mistake. He did not mention her. A boulder sized omission. I think she deserves closure. However, he tells me that she has been aware for several weeks now that he was intent on leaving and that it the relationship with her was ending. My question is - what role, if any, would you take? He has never been unfaithful. His leaving had nothing to do with infidelity. Technically, we were not together when he began this relationship, so I hold no animosity. We do have trust issues completely unrelated to this. I'm hopeful counseling will help. I'm inclined to encourage him to write or call her and tell her again - that it is over and to block her. It is complicated by the fact that he works with her still, but I'm not feeling jealous, just interested in finding the most humane way that he can convey to her that the relationship is in fact over. What does raise some concerns for me is that he was not forthcoming in telling me prior to today that he was living with her. (Email contact primarily lead us back together. I had insisted on counseling prior to agreeing to reunite. Talking to him today on the phone, he sounded desperate to leave. Like fleeing the scene of a crime. So, I agreed to allow him to come back prior to beginning counseling.) While I am generally optimistic, there are moments when I'm not sure if I want to hug him or hit him right now.. This does complicate the process of reconciliation. It does bring into question whether or not I'm simply a 'soft place to fall' on the heels of failed relationship. What would you're reaction be given the same circumstances? I feel as if he went out there and tried something new and realized he's not gonna be able to have what he had with you with someone else...you can't let him back so soon or he's gonna think he can always do this...I think he needs to find himself and what he really wants before u let him jump back in your life you need to move slowly make sure this is what he really wants or if he's just using you cause he knows you will take him back...if you love him by all means try and be with him but it can't be right away make him fight for you and prove to you he made a mistake ...you have to remember he's gonna see this woman all the time if they work together she's not gonna give up if she loves him and it's gonna hurt you in the long run he's confused right now I believe he still loves you but he may be taking you for a ride protect yourself before making such a big decision don't set yourself up for disaster and reopen old wounds make him prove himself to you and that he's worthy of being with you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I agree with HurtingGuy here. Don't jump to take him back either because it sounds to me like he may be jumping. Usually called Grass is greener syndrome (GIGS). The thing is, if he was really done with this other woman he would have blocked her on his own. Maybe his responses to her text messages haven't been receptive, but you still have to have it in the back of your mind that she is involved somehow. Truthfully, I would stay out of it. It really isn't your place at this point to tell him to block her. I would also suggest seeing how far he's willing to go for reconciliation on your terms. Make him work for it. See if he has really changed, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT just take him for his word. He needs to prove this to you, and you have to be willing to listen, build back trust, and start again. Just take your time, no rushing, no games. When you're ready to step back into a relationship with him THEN introduce counseling. I hope this helps! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anniveve Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT just take him for his word. He needs to prove this to you, and you have to be willing to listen, build back trust, and start again. Just take your time, no rushing, no games. When you're ready to step back into a relationship with him THEN introduce counseling. I hope this helps! Thank you for your feedback. Kaleidoscope of emotions. We have our first counseling session scheduled for Thursday of next week. I will take to heart your suggestion that he moves out while that process is underway. It's tough, because while I'm happy to have him back home, I know we have a lot of rough terrain to cover. He did vocalize that he should block her. I didn't weigh in on that one way or the other. I did tell him that I expect free access to his phone. I really don't want to live that way though. If I get even a hint that he's playing both sides - it's done. Edited June 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anniveve Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT just take him for his word. He needs to prove this to you, and you have to be willing to listen, build back trust, and start again. Just take your time, no rushing, no games. When you're ready to step back into a relationship with him THEN introduce counseling. I hope this helps! Ugh. Typed out a response that vanished into cyberspace. Counseling is scheduled to begin next Thursday. He did vocalize blocking her. I didn't weigh in one way or the other. I did tell him that I expect to have free access to his phone. I don't want to live that way however. If I am feeling played at any point, it is over. But we do love each other and have a lot of shared history and both of us are invested in fixing US. I appreciate you and HurtingGuy's input. Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnys93 Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Ugh. Typed out a response that vanished into cyberspace. Counseling is scheduled to begin next Thursday. He did vocalize blocking her. I didn't weigh in one way or the other. I did tell him that I expect to have free access to his phone. I don't want to live that way however. If I am feeling played at any point, it is over. But we do love each other and have a lot of shared history and both of us are invested in fixing US. I appreciate you and HurtingGuy's input. Thanks Best of luck to you both! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I'd go forward cautiously. Telling you about living with her would have just been awkward. Do get counseling and please realize that whatever broke you up before is probably still in play. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 What caused the split before? Have him get tested for stds, before getting intimate. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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