Making a Relationship "LONG TERM"

[DancerEngineer]

Background:

So I been seeing this girl since February. I met her on bumble and we ended up being friends. I brought her into a dance hobby of mine and that is how we stayed friends in the hobby. At first I didn't really want anything but friendship, but then started falling for her. She clearly was ALWAYS interested in me and always showing me signs of interest.

But when I started to show interested in her,(4 weeks ago) I guess I pushed things too fast, and brought up the idea of a relationship with her, and pushed her away and she said she only wanted to be friends.

Then I started using the rules of "Coach Corey Wayne" and then started walking away and giving her space. Then a miracle happened(3 weeks ago). She came running back like a maniac and blowing up my phone with text and ****.

Then we went on a couple dates, and now we are in a sexual relationship. I actually lost my virginity to this girl Sunday night. After we had sex that night for the first time, she told me she loved me. I didn't say it back, and only told her I had feelings for her too. Then she told me that she was glad I didn't blindly say it back because when she says it, it really means a lot to her, so she wants to hear it from someone who means it.

--------

To the point:

Anyways to get to the point and make this short, we had great first time amazing sex and she was very shocked at how long I was able to control myself and last. Then she tells me she loves me. All is well ect...

 

Today I was at her house just chilling with her and she was all talking about love languages, and telling me how much she appreciated me and how awesome I was and all that jazz...Then she was joking around with me and telling me I was lying about being a virgin because I was too good to be a virgin, and then she said,

"So are you going to tell the next girl you are with that you are a virgin too and lie to her? hahaha".....

 

.....what the actual heck!?!? I didn't respond. I just laughed and played it cool.

But how the heck is that supposed to make me feel. I want a LONG TERM relationship with her. That is why I didn't tell her I loved her back. I want her to want me all to her self and be in a committed relationship. Maybe I was just raised very conservative or something.

Coach Corey Wayne always says that women fall in love slowly over time and to never push things and let things happen. That women live in the present and don't think like men do. Is this normal for women to say stuff like this? I want her to tell me she wants an official relationship with me.

And I supposed to just chill and ignore comments like that and not let it make me feel insecure and get to me? Do women say stuff like this all the time without thinking? What should I think about this? Also, she told me she loved me, and Coach Corey Wayne teaches that the guy should just hang back like James Bond till the women brings up wanting you all to her self.

It feels like we are already in a relationship, but she never brought it up.

 

The point is I want this girl to want a "committed long term relationship" with me. Should I just stop freaking out and just let it happen naturally?

 

Or should I run far away and never turn back before I start falling in love with her and don't want my heart broken down the road?...

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, "Coach Corey Wayne" is not the be-all and end-all of relationship advice. While there are some valuable suggestions in what he says, no one person can speak for all women (or all men) so please don't assume that everything he claims is true for everyone.

 

Secondly, I personally find it very strange that this girl is telling you she loves you when you're not even in a relationship yet. Tread carefully there, as this could be a girl that leads primarily with her emotions in the moment rather than logic, which can be problematic. It's way too early for "I love you", in my opinion. You were right not to say it back. You don't know her well enough (in the context of a relationship) to be talking about love yet.

 

For what it's worth, we ladies are usually conditioned/taught to let the man lead and follow his pace in a relationship. Rightly or wrongly, it's a matter of opinion. We often hold back until we can assess if he's really into us or just after sex. Her "joke" was a misguided attempt to suss this out, I believe. But the fact that she basically asserted that you're lying isn't cool.

 

You said it feels like you're in a relationship, but she only came back 3 weeks ago. Have you two communicated about what it is you're generally looking for? Meaning, has she indicated she would like to have a relationship, generally-speaking? Have you been going on dates? For context, how old are you both?

[Ami1uwant]

I agree with the prior postER. Just date her but be careful.

 

Hard to read her comment without hearing her tone. Somways that could have been a complement to you about you being really good but claiming you are a virgin...so you must be lying. The must be lying could have been a joke and not accusing you of lying.

[Versacehottie]

Two things:

*Because you are somewhat insecure you HEARD her statement about "will you tell the next girl you sleep with you are a virgin" as an indication that she doesn't want to be with you long term. When in all likelihood she was saying it to get validation from you that there ISN'T a next girl! She was dangling a little comment carrot. If you were more confident and experienced you would have recognized that this was her insecurity speaking and she was looking for you to validate her.

 

*She sounds a bit immature and fickle; proceed with caution. I get the sense that you might be her be all end all today but she could easily change her mind TOMORROW. You would have to put in a lot more time and create a lot more stability with her to have that be the actual reality. And still even then..... I'd find it hard to trust or believe someone who told you that soon that she loved you. It's just not what it actually means. Schoolgirl ish if you know what I mean. Take it with a grain of salt.

 

Good luck

[d0nnivain]

Get Corey Wayne off the pedestal.

 

 

You spent time getting to know this woman & that is why you are now dating her & sleeping with her. The PUA games didn't magically make this happen.

 

 

To the extent that you now understand the power of being confident, they helped you. At its core that is what PUA is about, being self assured. The rest of it is all BS.

 

 

I think this girl's comment about you lying to the next girl & telling her you are a virgin was a back handed compliment to you born of her insecurity. She was telling you that she enjoyed the sex & that you are good at it. Hence she is questioning the veracity of your disclosure about being a virgin. Second, she was looking for reassurance that you will stick around for a relationship with her. She's scared you are going to dump her now that you two have had sex.

 

 

Send her some flowers. Keep showing up & dating her. Throw out all your Corey Wayne garbage & you will be just fine.

[Bastile]

Is this normal for women to say stuff like this?

 

yes

 

And I supposed to just chill and ignore comments like that and not let it make me feel insecure and get to me?

 

yes

 

 

Do women say stuff like this all the time without thinking?

 

I wouldn't say it's without thinking. She probably wants a response.

 

Women typically look to dominate emotionally. Hence, get used to indirect snark comments aimed at your emotions.

 

What should I think about this?

 

 

Honestly, It's actually better to just ignore it.

 

But, I would imagine she's sh*t-testing you, because she is insecure.

 

It's her problem, not yours.

 

I want her to tell me she wants an official relationship with me.

 

Generally, most women are only direct when they are running out of patience with the indirect stuff. Then you get a "what are we?" kind of talk.

 

They prefer to push a man indirectly to the conclusion that they want.

 

Same as when they want you to get a present for something like Christmas, but you have to figure it out through clues, for example.

 

As you get older, you might learn to enjoy the position of power that this actually gives you. But, I agree, it's also very confusing - especially when you are a teenager.

 

Also, she told me she loved me

 

To be taken with a massive pinch of salt.

 

Coach Corey Wayne teaches that the guy should just hang back like James Bond till the women brings up wanting you all to her self.

 

Coach Corey Wayne is a clown that ripped off Doc Love's system, dumbed it down, and repacked it.

 

His advice can mostly be summed up as "do nothing". Very passive and feminine. Though useful to guys who want to invest their energy constantly trying to "fix things", which usually just leads to getting disrespected.

 

It feels like we are already in a relationship, but she never brought it up.

 

The point is I want this girl to want a "committed long term relationship" with me. Should I just stop freaking out and just let it happen naturally?

 

Or should I run far away and never turn back before I start falling in love with her and don't want my heart broken down the road?...

 

You can wait for her to initiate "the talk" (isn't that coach corey wayne's advice?).

 

I'd typically just treat her like a girlfriend, and suss her out and how the relationship would be. Eventually, when I was convinced, I'd initiate and make things official myself.

[SevenCity]

Get Corey Wayne off the pedestal.

 

 

You spent time getting to know this woman & that is why you are now dating her & sleeping with her. The PUA games didn't magically make this happen.

 

 

To the extent that you now understand the power of being confident, they helped you. At its core that is what PUA is about, being self assured. The rest of it is all BS.

 

 

I think this girl's comment about you lying to the next girl & telling her you are a virgin was a back handed compliment to you born of her insecurity. She was telling you that she enjoyed the sex & that you are good at it. Hence she is questioning the veracity of your disclosure about being a virgin. Second, she was looking for reassurance that you will stick around for a relationship with her. She's scared you are going to dump her now that you two have had sex.

 

 

Send her some flowers. Keep showing up & dating her. Throw out all your Corey Wayne garbage & you will be just fine.

 

OP - The only thing garbage here is advice from someone about Corey Wayne who never read his book.

 

And I want to stress that - you have to read his book - 10 to 15 times (depending on your comprehension). CW is not PUA. His techniques are not meant to get you laid as much as possible. They are to create a life and lifestyle that will prepare you for a relationship with a sane, drama free, feminine, submissive woman.

 

Of course it won't work on all women. That's the point. It's geared to bring out the best in the best and the worst in the worse. Using his techniques you will turn off some women. Those women are not the ones with which you want a relationship.

 

That's not to say it's gospel because you have to tailor to your specific personality and what works for you. I've found most of his stuff is spot on. Women in general (especially here) think all his stuff is about PUA techniques, KINO, and getting laid. It most certainly is not. But you just can't watch a few videos and think you got it.

 

Your situation is a perfect example. You let her come to you and it worked (she could have easily not come back but by not chasing her you gave her the space to miss you and make it her idea to come back). But, then you tried to force the RL on her and not let it be her idea. You, like most guys, are trying to lock her down rather than it being her idea.

 

Women (the right women) will make it clear when they want to be your girlfriend. They might say they are upset but it causes their attraction to grow knowing they want it rather than being forced.

 

And Jesus don't buy her flowers. This is the worst idea in the world. You buy your girlfriend flowers. They are not meant to be used as a bribe for commitment or as a selling point of how great a guy you are.

 

So just STFU about the RL talk and let her bring it up. In the meantime just be her best option and show her fun and a good time and make her feel more special than anyone else when you are together. Being needy is a turn off and that's what you are doing.

 

As far as her non virgin comment that was a compliment. Next time she says something like that say "If I was that good the first time, imagine how good I'll be the 20th time" with a smirk on your face.

 

This girl likes you. Don't f it up by being needy and insecure. Let it happen naturally and have it be HER IDEA.

[DancerEngineer]

Thank you everyone for your replies. How do I edit the original post to include these edits.

 

We became actively hanging out in February, so I guess it isn't too early for her to say she loves me. I feel love for her too, but I didn't say it because I want to hear her say she wants a committed relationship first.

 

I am 28, she is 26.

 

I am pretty sure she knows I am not in it just for sex. I even told her last night that we didn't have to have sex, I was happy to just spend time with her and hang out and talk. I even asked for a relationship at the beginning, but then I backed off.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you are building the foundations of an LTR. What exactly is your problem / concern? I ask because the more you post, the more I think you're on solid ground & I'm having less understanding of what you want that you're not getting.

[DancerEngineer]

 

 

I'd typically just treat her like a girlfriend, and suss her out and how the relationship would be. Eventually, when I was convinced, I'd initiate and make things official myself.

 

Thanks for all that. But I am 28 and she is 26. What are your thoughts on where I should act from here. I am thinking maybe not hang with her so much and start seeing other girls on the side obviously not cheat on her, but seeing other girls for back up in case she doesn't want an official relationship down the road. And to just keep busy, and maybe she might want more because I am more distant? I really have no idea.

[DancerEngineer]

It sounds like you are building the foundations of an LTR. What exactly is your problem / concern? I ask because the more you post, the more I think you're on solid ground & I'm having less understanding of what you want that you're not getting.

 

I guess it is because I am an Engineer and I think logically and my love language is words. When she was joking around and accusing me of lying, that was a compliment of course.

 

BUT then she says, "So are you going to tell the next girl you are with that you are a virgin? LOL"

 

That to me tells me she doesn't see me as long term. Why would someone say something like that if they didn't see me long term. I want long term. I care about this girl, and I don't just want to casually date. I want a committed relationship and I want to make this work. Hearing words like that are very disturbing to me.

[DancerEngineer]

Get Corey Wayne off the pedestal.

 

 

You spent time getting to know this woman & that is why you are now dating her & sleeping with her. The PUA games didn't magically make this happen.

 

 

To the extent that you now understand the power of being confident, they helped you. At its core that is what PUA is about, being self assured. The rest of it is all BS.

 

 

I think this girl's comment about you lying to the next girl & telling her you are a virgin was a back handed compliment to you born of her insecurity. She was telling you that she enjoyed the sex & that you are good at it. Hence she is questioning the veracity of your disclosure about being a virgin. Second, she was looking for reassurance that you will stick around for a relationship with her. She's scared you are going to dump her now that you two have had sex.

 

 

Send her some flowers. Keep showing up & dating her. Throw out all your Corey Wayne garbage & you will be just fine.

 

Thanks. That made me feel better. It really did. I brought up Coach Corey Wayne because I would not be where I am in this relationship if it wasn't for his teachings. Twice in the past when I came off too strong and she backed away, I also backed away and she came running back like a maniac wanting more.

[jessiesgurl]

Thanks. That made me feel better. It really did. I brought up Coach Corey Wayne because I would not be where I am in this relationship if it wasn't for his teachings. Twice in the past when I came off too strong and she backed away, I also backed away and she came running back like a maniac wanting more.

 

Use it as a guide, don't let what he preaches rule your entire dating experience.

 

Remember, every woman is unique. I know for me, if a man did some of the things CW proposes men do, it would have the opposite effect.

 

Turn me off.

 

So be careful with that. Judge each woman and dating experience separately and judge for yourself how best to approach in that particular situation.

 

If you want to read a good book on how to read people and develop intuition, I recommend "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.

 

It's not a "how to" but more about making yourself an overall better judge of character and situations, how to read people better and develop intuition that you can apply to ALL areas of your life, not just your dating experiences.

Edited June 7, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[Bastile]

Thanks for all that. But I am 28 and she is 26. What are your thoughts on where I should act from here. I am thinking maybe not hang with her so much and start seeing other girls on the side obviously not cheat on her, but seeing other girls for back up in case she doesn't want an official relationship down the road. And to just keep busy, and maybe she might want more because I am more distant? I really have no idea.

 

 

You've known the girl since February. You should be getting a decent understanding of who she is.

 

To me, she sounds like a right mess. First she friendzones you, then she comes back due to being ignored, has sex with you and then is “in love”. Now she's screwing with your head with sh*t-tests.

 

She sounds unstable, and I'd be keeping her neurosis at arms length... but she's hot, right?

 

Want a rotation for dating? Here was mine that I used for about 15 months. Works very well, but I'm at some sort of impasse in my own life. You might get good value from it:

 

“Main girl” gets 2 dates a week. I find this keeps things stable enough, whilst getting them to want to escalate the relationship. That gives me choice.

 

One midweek date which is cheap. Something social with PDA, kissing, etc. And one weekend date for sex. Sometimes this could last the whole weekend. And decent amounts of messaging inbetween (messaging of value, not just “how was your day?”, “how are you?”, zzzzzzzz).

 

That obviously gives plenty of time to approach and date others on the side. You start to become real choosy, and your standards rise. I doubt she will meet the standard for exclusivity, if you get into doing this to any real degree.

 

Keep things relatively honest. Don't agree to exclusivity with anyone, but also don't rub girls faces in it that you are seeing others. Be discreet, and don't allow yourself to be drawn on the subject.

 

As for dealing with the head abuse that she gives, don't give witty retorts all the time. It's far more effective to play dumb and stupid. Just act like your head has rocks in it, and the nonsense can't enter. That's what I do lol.

[d0nnivain]

You are way past the time to multi-date. At this point, this girl is talking about love & thinks you are in an exclusive relationship which is what I think you want. If you want to multi-date you have to point blank tell her that which will cause her to dump you immediately if she has any self respect.

 

 

Just move forward. I really think you will be fine if you maintain your own self confidence. Take some of the confidence building stuff from Corey Wayne if you can't get it from anywhere else because being overly eager is a turn off but don't follow his stuff like a script or recipe.

[DancerEngineer]

You are way past the time to multi-date. At this point, this girl is talking about love & thinks you are in an exclusive relationship which is what I think you want. If you want to multi-date you have to point blank tell her that which will cause her to dump you immediately if she has any self respect.

 

 

Just move forward. I really think you will be fine if you maintain your own self confidence. Take some of the confidence building stuff from Corey Wayne if you can't get it from anywhere else because being overly eager is a turn off but don't follow his stuff like a script or recipe.

 

Thanks appreciate it. Your message makes me feel more calm. It REALLY DOES feel like she is my girlfriend, but she hasn't brought up the what are we talk. And why would anyone joke about their boyfriend being with another girl in the future if they were in a relationship? I'm afraid of her only using me as a temporary friends with benefits type of thing.

 

And yes, at the moment, I am just taking things slow and NOT pushing anything. I am letting her do the chasing and come to me at my own pace. I feel like I just need to hear it from her that she wants to call me her boyfriend, and be in an official relationship with me. Maybe I am just really insecure? idk. But I was raised very conservatively so this is so foreign and new to me.

 

I do love her, but I don't feel like I should tell her I love her till she tells me she wants an official relationship. I am afraid of scaring her off. So I have no idea when to tell her I love her.

[jessiesgurl]

Thanks appreciate it. Your message makes me feel more calm. It REALLY DOES feel like she is my girlfriend, but she hasn't brought up the what are we talk.

 

And why would anyone joke about their boyfriend being with another girl in the future if they were in a relationship? I'm afraid of her only using me as a temporary friends with benefits type of thing.

And yes, at the moment, I am just taking things slow and NOT pushing anything. I am letting her do the chasing and come to me at my own pace. I feel like I just need to hear it from her that she wants to call me her boyfriend, and be in an official relationship with me. Maybe I am just really insecure? idk. But I was raised very conservatively so this is so foreign and new to me.

 

I do love her, but I don't feel like I should tell her I love her till she tells me she wants an official relationship. I am afraid of scaring her off. So I have no idea when to tell her I love her.

 

Dude look, I don't mean to be harsh with you but you need to move on from that comment. You're reading WAY too much into it, it was a JOKE. Okay a bad joke, but joke nevertheless.

 

She was being a bit of a sarcastic smartarse (which being a smartarse myself I totally get lol, takes one to know one). That's all it was. She's into you. So let it go.

 

With respect to CW's advice about pulling back and getting the girl chasing you. It worked the first time because she was showing resistance and only wanted to be friends.

 

So when you backed off, it showed her a different side to you (a less needy side perhaps?), and it ignited some passion in her and she came running.

 

You don't pull back when things are going WELL. I mean you just had amazing sex with the girl, she thinks you're hot in bed and she told she loves you!

 

Re the "I love you bit," yeah I would follow Bastile's advice on that and take with a massive pinch of salt.

 

But with everything else, now is NOT the time to be pulling back and dating other chicks. God no. If she's got even an ounce of self-esteem that will put you right back where you were initially, in the friendzone.

 

I don't think you should bring up exclusivity right now nor do I think you should wait until she does to tell her how you feel.

 

Just play it out, continue dating, having hot sex and when the time is right and you're comfortable, tell her how you feel.

 

I have never formally discussed "exclusivity" in any of my LTRs. It just became sort of obvious that we were by virtue of how much time we spent together, meeting friends and family and our feelings for each other, among other things.

 

I don't claim to be an expert but that is my best advice. And again for heaven's sake stop stressing about that comment! IT WAS A JOKE.

Edited June 7, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[DancerEngineer]

 

 

I don't claim to be an expert but that is my best advice. And again for heaven's sake stop stressing about that comment! IT WAS A JOKE.

 

No you are completely right. And I am glad to read your words.

She even texted me today when I was at work and asked me if i wanted to get lunch with her, but I had to tell her I was too busy unfortunately because my lunch hours are really random and sometimes I even work and eat lunch at the same time.

So i just told her sorry that I was busy and said hope her day was going well.

Like she texted me to get lunch with her today, so I guess that is signs of attachment. Hope she isn't upset that I couldn't get lunch with her today as she never responded....but I was busy. -_-

[d0nnivain]

She made the joke because she is insecure. She is insecure because she is wondering if you lied about your virginity to seduce her into your bed. She was saying that you were good in bed. Take the compliment. She said what she said because she wanted you to reply that she was your GF & you weren't going anywhere.

 

 

It wasn't a joke about her leaving you. It was a joke she made because she wanted reassurance that you weren't a player.

[DancerEngineer]

Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better about this relationship now. I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing till she brings up a "what are we talk."

I never had her text me and ask to get lunch when I am at work before, but sadly I had to turn it down because I was tied up and couldn't take the time. Hope she isn't mad about that as she never responded to my busy text. Yikes. I also need to work on not being insecure.

Like now i'm insecure because I couldn't meet her for lunch on my lunch break and I haven't heard back from her. Same insecurities that are constantly going in my head.

[Bastile]

It wasn't a joke about her leaving you. It was a joke she made because she wanted reassurance that you weren't a player.

 

Generally, whenever a girl is bringing up the topic of you and other women, it's nearly always a sh*t-test to get you to start qualifying yourself - even when she's seeing other guys.

 

What was it here?

 

"So are you going to tell the next girl you are with that you are a virgin too and lie to her? hahaha".....

 

One that I got was when a woman and I were having issues with some crappy condoms that I bought in bulk online. She picked some up on the way over to mine, and we only ended up using two. So, when she left, she said something similar:

 

"I'll leave these so you can use them with other women"

 

Idea is to mess with your head, and get you saying "what? I'm not doing that!". Proving yourself to her.

 

It's actually quite manipulative, and I suggest that OP train his powers of selective hearing. Don't reward bad behaviour. Ignoring women can be a skill - so learn to hone it.

 

And don't respond to it with "witty one liners", that all PUA's seem to come up with. Play stupid instead, and she'll just put it down to you being a man and not being on that wavelength, when you actually are

[d0nnivain]

If she has a lick of sense she is not mad that you couldn't meet her for lunch. When you try to meet somebody for lunch during the work day you have to be open to a "no, I'm too busy". When ever I am near my husband at lunch time I reach out to see if he wants to eat with me; at least 25% of the time he can't. I understand he's busy; I don't conclude he's having an affair or I should consult a divorce attorney.

[DancerEngineer]

Generally, whenever a girl is bringing up the topic of you and other women, it's nearly always a sh*t-test to get you to start qualifying yourself - even when she's seeing other guys.

 

 

 

So basically whenever a girl makes comments about me and other girls, ignore it?

[jessiesgurl]

Hmm, I don't agree it's always a shyt test or some sort of manipulation or insecurity. I mean sure sometimes that may be the case but not ALWAYS.

 

I think it would depend on how she said it, her delivery and the type of RL they have with each other.

 

If it's one of fun and banter, smartarsey type comments, then it could very well be her being playful, and in that case, the guy could toss something equally smartarsey back at her. Bantering, teasing and being playful like that can FUN sometimes!

 

In OP's case, he wrote:

 

"So are you going to tell the next girl you are with that you are a virgin too and lie to her? hahaha".....

 

The hahaha tells me it was joke and that it was her attempt at being playful.

 

Yeah perhaps she is also bit insecure, but so what? We are all insecure especially in these early stages. JMO but ignoring may be the WORST thing you could do although, Bastile, if that approach works for you, more power to ya.

 

Frankly I think all this speculation by some posters about her being insecure, manipulative, and shyt testing may indicate those posters' insecurity, or some other issue, and well, just a whole bunch of speculation.

 

Again, would depend on her delivery when saying it, and the type of RL they have.

 

In any event, OP you said all is well, right? Fabulous, enjoy, have fun. Stop overthinking.

 

Once you get to know each other a bit better, everything will fall into place.

Edited June 7, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[Bastile]

So basically whenever a girl makes comments about me and other girls, ignore it?

 

That's my MO.

 

Ever see a dog get confused? That's my face during. Or I look at her like she's speaking Japanese

 

Frankly I think all this speculation by some posters about her being insecure, manipulative, and shyt testing may indicate those posters' insecurity, or some other issue, and well, just a whole bunch of speculation.

 

That's the gaslighting of remaining indirect and equivalent.

 

I've dealt with this stuff so much that it's hilarious. Different ages, different cultures, different backgrounds, doesn't matter.

 

I think we'll agree to disagree