Making a Relationship "LONG TERM"

[DancerEngineer]

I don't get it. Ok, here is what I know.

I should not be her errand boy till I am officially in a relationship with her. Then I can start doing things for her. Got it.

 

Stop asking her out. - But then how will we ever get to hang?

 

If I am told to just tell her I am busy and take long time getting back to her, then how will this ever progress into anything?

What should I be doing then?

Don't tell me working on my career, because that is a given and I been working on that all weekend long. That is my main priority right now.

 

Someone also said, instead of asking her for her availability, ask her out on a specific date on a certain time. Any ideas?

[Versacehottie]

You think i like her because of just the sex? Well you are wrong. I liked her before I gave her my virginity. it wasn't an easy decision to give her my virginity. But I only gave it to her because at the time it seemed like it was going to lead into a relationship and i liked her. And it just so happened that the sex was great for both of us.

 

I think you've been blinded by it. You are acting like you are in heat. And maybe it was only good because it was your first two times--you don't really have anything or anyone! else to compare it too.

[DancerEngineer]

I think you've been blinded by it. You are acting like you are in heat. And maybe it was only good because it was your first two times--you don't really have anything or anyone! else to compare it too.

 

Well honestly, like I said, the sex isn't the only reason I like her. I liked her before we had sex. Spending those few months training her in ballroom every weekend is what got my heart attached to her. I have had relationships in the past where we never had sex.

Sex ins't all to me.... But apparently, she thought i was really good in bed for the first time. That is why she was teasing me and calling me a liar.

I would even be down to just hang and cuddle with her and talk all day than have sex. I'm not that type of dude.

Even thinking of all the times I spent training her to dance makes me miss her more. ****. -_-

[Versacehottie]

I don't get it. Ok, here is what I know.

I should not be her errand boy till I am officially in a relationship with her. Then I can start doing things for her. Got it.

 

Stop asking her out. - But then how will we ever get to hang?

 

If I am told to just tell her I am busy and take long time getting back to her, then how will this ever progress into anything?

What should I be doing then?

Don't tell me working on my career, because that is a given and I been working on that all weekend long. That is my main priority right now.

 

Someone also said, instead of asking her for her availability, ask her out on a specific date on a certain time. Any ideas?

 

Or how about not being her errand boy ever? Stop worrying about how it will progress. This is the dilemma I warned you about when you let her make all the moves. You are trapped. And it's hard to balance things out. Which is why misinterpreted guru's aren't all that great.

 

with her, your top priority should be to get more respect and equality in this whatever it is. Short term pain for long term gain (potentially. not worth it without the respect anyway).

 

I know you don't like it when we call you out. And beat yourself up enough for being dense--but you are being rather tough to get through to:p I told you what you should do based on the current info. You have "plans" that she roped you into and then flipped back into tentative plans for wednesday. You don't go under those conditions. I told you what to say even. Then you see if she can step up and what happens next. Relax; she's not going anywhere in the next few weeks.

 

Stop going on advice we gave you a week ago kinda about something similar but different. Now I'm SURE you have no power. She has turned you down for an ACTUAL date 4-5 times since then & you've f*cked up a few times since then. You need a reset. That's why I keep telling you to live in the present. What is going on now is not the same as it was even a week ago. More has happened. You need to center yourself. I AM going to keep telling you to focus on yourself because that is the key for all of this!

 

You should do an internet search for limerance too. You are not in love just infatuation or limerance.

[DancerEngineer]

 

 

Stop going on advice we gave you a week ago kinda about something similar but different. Now I'm SURE you have no power. She has turned you down for an ACTUAL date 4-5 times since then & you've f*cked up a few times since then. You need a reset. That's why I keep telling you to live in the present. What is going on now is not the same as it was even a week ago. More has happened. You need to center yourself. I AM going to keep telling you to focus on yourself because that is the key for all of this!

 

You should do an internet search for limerance too. You are not in love just infatuation or limerance.

 

Well the way she actually gave me her schedule for the first time last night and apologized to me yesterday was actually a very good thing, and gave me more power.

 

I know what you guys want me to do, and I will stick to that. I will.

No more errand boy ever. ..Actually the only time she turned me down was swing lessons, and then she kinda changed around our plans on Friday. She never really turned me down, just gave vague responses.

---

What I don't understand is what to do AFTER all of this!

----------------

ACTUALLY Here is something that happened in the past. idk if this means anything.

This was like a month ago from now. I started pulling back and she freaked out and blew up my phone and called me 8 times in the middle of the night till i picked up. When I picked up she was like, "hey wanna come over and cuddle?!?!!"

I said, " can't i'm in LA, so i can see you Monday which is memorial day"

She said the same thing,"idk.....!!!"

I said, "why dont' you know."

her:"well i'm sure it will work, but i don't know."

Me:"w/e i'm half asleep and I have to go, see you later."

THEN on Monday she invites me to a picnic and ask me to help her with a flow chart, but SHE turned it into a picnic and a 5 hour session in her BED! So that was one of the many times she said, idk, and turned it into something else like hooking up.

----------

[DancerEngineer]

Well speak of the devil,

I just got 3 text messages right now.

Her1:"How's your day? I never made it to home depot yet"

Her2:"need to go to the gym"

Her3:"I couldn't sleep last night so ended up waking up late. :("

-20 mins passes

Her4: *Sends me a pic of her in a hot red dress.* "I wante to wear this dress to my cousins wedding, but i can't because someone else is wearing something similar."

 

Translation

her1: "i still havn't gone to home depot because I am waiting for you to come with me."

 

her2:"either I want you to think i'm hot for going to the gym, or I want you to come to the gym with me."

 

her3:"I couldn't sleep last night because i feel like I am losing power and i know I ****ed up with you and you aren't going to let me jerk you around like this anymore."

 

her4: "here is a sexy pic of me, and I am trying to get your attention."

Crapppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!

IDK WAT TO DEWW!!!!!!!! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Well at least she is starting to realize she pushed me away and is starting to show signs of running back. It would be amazing if she randomly said, she wants to come to my swing class now because of walking away, but i doubt it.

 

I hope I can get input soon, but what my best educated opinion on what to do is send her a text tonight saying

 

"Hey, Eric sent me home with a bunch of paper work to fill out, so i am working on paper work all day long.

You look super hot in that dress btw. ;)"

 

Right???? This would be appropriate, right?????

Edited June 19, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[DancerEngineer]

God I hope I get some response soon on here in case if I have the wrong logic in my approach to her contacting me.

 

lol help! -_- >.<

Edited June 19, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[Imajerk17]

I don't intend to be cutting. This is just my 30,000-foot view though: If someone needs to be posting a situation play-by-play including text conversations asking "what to do" at each turn, all the while quoting Corey Wayne, then maybe Corey Wayne really isn't helping that person that much after all.

 

OP you need to chill.

[DancerEngineer]

I don't intend to be cutting. This is just my 30,000-foot view though: If someone needs to be posting a situation play-by-play including text conversations asking "what to do" at each turn, all the while quoting Corey Wayne, then maybe Corey Wayne really isn't helping that person that much after all.

 

OP you need to chill.

 

The issues is i grew up with zero dating and only did freaking school.

So i am now trying to cram in an entire new college degree(dating) into my brain, and I am making mistakes(lessons learned) and hoping the cost of these lessons don't cost me losing this girl in my life.

I'm exhausted. I spent the entire weekend reading Coach Corey Wayne's book. His book is amazing, but I just don't fully have the knowledge on how to apply it properly.

Its like, go an make mistakes to learn, but at what cost? Losing this relationship? I don't want to lose this relationship.

[Imajerk17]

Cripes brah. If I had to think half as hard as you are right now I would have quit and gotten a dog. Or switched teams. Or maybe I would have even have actually passed quantum physics.

 

You are trying to control everything. Including things you can't control. And it doesn't work like that. Women aren't attracted to guys who have to crowdsource every relationship move as you seem to be. At some point you are just going to have to go with your gut and make your own mistakes.

 

I'm all for self-improvement. Meanwhile though, Corey Wayne could be living under your bed feeding you lines and one of you might still decide this isn't long-term.

 

Just relax and be the same guy who attracted this girl in the first place. And if it doesn't work out w this girl (95% chance it won't you are both young and you are so inexperienced) you'll meet someone else.

Edited June 20, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DancerEngineer]

Cripes brah. If I had to think half as hard as you are right now I would have quit and gotten a dog. Or switched teams. Or maybe I would have even have actually passed quantum physics.

 

You are trying to control everything. Including things you can't control. And it doesn't work like that. Women aren't attracted to guys who have to crowdsource every relationship move as you seem to be. At some point you are just going to have to go with your gut and make your own mistakes.

 

I'm all for self-improvement. Meanwhile though, Corey Wayne could be living in your closet and one of you might still decide this isn't long-term.

 

Just relax and be the same guy who attracted this girl in the first place. And if it doesn't work out w this girl (95% chance it won't you are both young and you are so inexperienced) you'll meet someone else.

 

Well I hate to read things like that. I rather have encouragement. Yep. Pretty much studied quantum physics. That is where I spent my entire childhood at.

 

Well yeah I am trying to cram an entire new degree(relationships) into a couple days. I'm 28 bro. Kinda old.

And yeah inexperienced....so that's why I'm trying to get help so I don't lose her. Like if you are inexperience in a subject you reach out to other for help. Sure I can learn all these lessons on my own, but I don't want that to cost me losing her.

Edited June 20, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[Imajerk17]

How do you know you don't want to lose her yet? You've known her for only 4 months and were only dating for one.

 

That is your first issue right there. You both should be EVALUATING each other at this stage.

 

I am all for self-improvement and taking advice, but you can't be crowdsourcing your every move (which can't even be fun). If you find Corey Wayne's advice helpful keep reading but no need to cram. This girl needs to like YOU not some Corey Wayne clone who tries to.parrot all his lines and moves.

 

You also realize that there are guys who are in serious relationships, who did everything "wrong" e.g., coming on too strong, telling the woman he loved her a month in, ect. Yet they still got the girl.

Edited June 20, 2017 by Imajerk17

[DancerEngineer]

How do you know you don't want to lose her yet? You've known her for only 4 months and were only dating for one.

 

That is your first issue right there. You both should be EVALUATING each other at this stage.

 

I am all for self-improvement and taking advice, but you can't be crowdsourcing your every move (which can't even be fun). If you find Corey Wayne's advice helpful keep reading but no need to cram. This girl needs to like YOU not some Corey Wayne clone who tries to.parrot all his lines and moves.

 

You also realize that there are guys who are in serious relationships, who did everything "wrong" e.g., coming on too strong, telling the woman he loved her a month in, ect. Yet they still got the girl.

BUT you just said, "(95% chance it won't you are both young and you are so inexperienced)"

[Imajerk17]

BUT you just said, "(95% chance it won't you are both young and you are so inexperienced)"

 

Well, yes. There is way too much over-analysing and overthinking here. If it is this much work...

 

Also most couples who date, aren't destined to be married. That is just a fact of life.

[DancerEngineer]

Well, yes. There is way too much over-analysing and overthinking here. If it is this much work...

 

Also most couples who date, aren't destined to be married. That is just a fact of life.

 

FACT: I am very OCD about things, and I grew up being an Engineer and have zero experience. All my brain power went to engineering, not relationships.

So that is why i am trying to cram all this now so I do screw it up. I like this girl a lot. And I know she likes me, but I don't want to screw it up.

And hearing people tell me I am too inexperienced that I will **** it up, means I have to work harder to become more experienced and cram MORE into a shorter period of time to avoid screwing it up.

[DancerEngineer]

God I wish i could hire Coach Corey Wayne right now, but he is insanely expensive. I need a life line.

[DancerEngineer]

Update....:

In response to her text.

Yes, I am aware I probably look like a FREAKING MORON right now posting everything on the internet asking for advice, but like you guys have all said, I am too inexperienced for this to work out. So that is why i am reaching out. Because i don't want the cost of my mistakes and lessons to cost me the relationship! That's why!

In response to post #331

I sent this text:

Me: "Hey! Yeah, my recruiter sent me home with a bunch of paper work to fill out, so I am working on that all day. LOL

BTW, Dat dress is super hot! "

 

her1:"Thanks! Yeah i need to find another dress because I can't wear this one."

her2:"Might go to the gym soon but not sure"

her3:"I probably SHOULD "

her4:" But dont feel like it hahaa"

 

Translation to her 4 text: Sounds like she wanted me to say I would go to the gym with her. But I didn't say anything because i don't want to make more mistakes and damage this relationship more.

So I have yet to say anything back. And no idea if I should have said I would go to the gym with her or not, but I simply have not said anything. God damit, I need like an emergency Coach Corey Wayne life line right now so my mistakes don't cost me this relationship. I'm thinking of it, but he is pricey.

it's just trying to cram an entire college degree of relationships all at once.

[clia]

You are spinning around in circles. Every interaction with her raises the exact same questions over and over again. It doesn't seem like you are absorbing any of the advice you've been given here over the past 20 pages. I feel like you need to go back and carefully re-read it, because you seem to be totally missing the point.

 

Also, can you tell me in 3-4 sentences the birds' eye view of what you got out of Corey Wayne's book?

 

I'm going to give you a few more posts here, but honestly, I'm not going to keep typing out the same advice. I've pretty much said what I want to say about how I think you should handle this.

 

Also, you keep saying, Don't ask her out.

Coach Corey Wayne always says when the girl contacts you, make a date and hang up.

If I just ignore her, and give her the silent treatment, where will that go?

if i never ask her out, and tell her, "well lets do this another time" when she says idk, then how will I ever get to hang with her? I can't hang with her when she randomly ask me to hang? Then how is this even possible?

 

I thought this was clear above, but I'll explicitly answer it for you.

 

Over the past couple of weeks, you have turned into her errand boy, and at least on here, seem extremely needy and clingy. She has total control over the non-relationship now due to your desperation. You've asked her out a number of times, and she won't give you a straight answer. To some of us here, that indicates that she has a low interest level in you. That she prefers to decide at the last minute if she wants to hang out with you, because there may be someone else she would rather hang out with. (I personally don't think Corey Wayne would recommend that you keep asking her out in your particular scenario. But this is exactly why you need to take a step back and try to understand the bigger picture in his advice.)

 

I mean, she clearly told you she was free on Wednesday this week and she still would not commit to a date with you. Even after you raised this whole issue with her about her non-committal, she would not commit to a date with you. It's not a "win" when she doesn't enthusiastically tell you "Yes, let's get together on Wednesday." Right now you still don't know if you will see her on Wednesday.

 

So, you need to change what you are doing. IMO, you need to pull back and stop asking her out. I gave you the script above. In the end, you tell her when you are available. She then has the option of locking you down.

 

Your worry that you will never get to hang out with her again is unfounded, provided she is interested in you, because she will learn soon enough that if she wants to get together with you, she can't ask at the last minute. She will learn to make a plan with you. That is how you get to hang out with her during this time. You do it on YOUR terms, not her terms.

 

Now, I'm not saying you can never ask her out ever again -- I just think for the next 2-3 weeks you need to pull back. On the flipside, if she is not that interested in you, or she is totally incapable of making a plan a day or two in advance, then you're right, you may not hang out with her again. But in that case, she wasn't interested in you anyway, so you are better off and can find a woman who is interested.

[clia]

I'm also going to encourage you to STOP trying to interpret her text messages. Please just take everything she says at face value. She likes to send you nonsense chit chat messages, which, as Versace pointed out, most guys with some game would mostly just ignore. Honestly, you are going to drive yourself bonkers if you continue to overanalyze every text message and interaction you have with her.

 

Well speak of the devil,

I just got 3 text messages right now.

Her1:"How's your day? I never made it to home depot yet"

Her2:"need to go to the gym"

Her3:"I couldn't sleep last night so ended up waking up late. :("

-20 mins passes

Her4: *Sends me a pic of her in a hot red dress.* "I wante to wear this dress to my cousins wedding, but i can't because someone else is wearing something similar."

 

Translation

her1: "i still havn't gone to home depot because I am waiting for you to come with me."

 

her2:"either I want you to think i'm hot for going to the gym, or I want you to come to the gym with me."

 

her3:"I couldn't sleep last night because i feel like I am losing power and i know I ****ed up with you and you aren't going to let me jerk you around like this anymore."

 

her4: "here is a sexy pic of me, and I am trying to get your attention."

 

Regarding 1 -- She never invited you to Home Depot yesterday. I don't care what she said before. Maybe she's just telling you she never made it to Home Depot, since she brought it up before.

 

Regarding 2 -- Maybe she's just telling you she needs to go to the gym with no ulterior motives behind it.

 

Regarding 3 -- You are reading way too much into this. She is not losing power here. Quite the opposite. Maybe she's just telling you she didn't sleep well.

 

Regarding 4 -- Okay, I'll give you this one. This is the kind of thing that does not warrant a response, IMO. You played right into it. However, other than that, your response was good because you just blew by all this nonsense.

 

her1:"Thanks! Yeah i need to find another dress because I can't wear this one."

her2:"Might go to the gym soon but not sure"

her3:"I probably SHOULD "

her4:" But dont feel like it hahaa"

 

Translation to her 4 text: Sounds like she wanted me to say I would go to the gym with her. But I didn't say anything because i don't want to make more mistakes and damage this relationship more.

 

Yeah, I don't get your interpretation at all. You really need to stop reading in date invitations whenever she says she needs to go somewhere. She knows perfectly well how to ask you to do something. I think it was either (1) she needs to go to the gym and is just throwing out chit chat or (2) she is fishing for a compliment from you about her body.

 

Well at least she is starting to realize she pushed me away and is starting to show signs of running back.

 

Yeah, I don't see this at all. If she was worried she would've unequivocally agreed to see you on Wednesday when you asked her out. Instead, she still left you with a wishy washy, tentative response. (After she told you she was free!!!)

 

I think the biggest learning experience you will get out of all of this, once all is said and done, is that you deserve to be treated better than this. I think ultimately this woman is a waste of your time.

[Bastile]

Final goal is a relationship. Hooking up and having sex leads to a relationship.

me being her errand boy, leads to me being her slave.

 

No.

 

You are doing the typical male thing of settling for the first woman that reciprocates some interest. You are using her as a buffer so that you don't get rejected by others.

 

I can't actually think of a single good relationship that I've had which started out being crap... You don't try to fix people into being ltr quality. You take people and enjoy them for what they are.

 

And in terms of what you've said about this girl, I'm going to rate her a 4 out of 10 on the scale of being a girlfriend. You maybe haven't had enough good relationships to be able to discern the difference.

 

I don't know why you think reading Corey Wayne is going to transform her into a 10.

 

Stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Go out with some other girls. Improve your perspective.

 

I'm not saying to completely dump this girl. But, at the very least try and get some other options. Just the effort alone of doing so will be a game changer. Right now, you're just going around in circles, playing her silly games.

[Versacehottie]

I want to add that you keep trying to turn dating into an absolute science with "what should I say to this, what should I say to that", "what do I do", "what do I read", "if I could hire CW". It's not a science 100%. It's a science AND an art. It involves others and you can't control what they do, what they think. At some point you will need to rely on your gut instincts. This is why it pays to keep attention to how you are ACTUALLY being treated and your reality--without that perspective, all the lines and books in the world won't help you. I keep telling you that YOU are the key. A sense of self is one of the most important things to bring to a good relationship that will be able to go the distance.

 

Jumping when she says jump, listening to her nonsense (good one!!), doing her errands and buying her things to find favor with her actually tends to give the opposite, a temporary or false level of interest from the other person. You keep wanting to know what to do outwardly and you kinda need to come from an inward place. Like even when you are telling her a botched version of what we said to do, you are doing it like a script, it's not coming from a new perspective within you (i.e. "maybe she isn't good enough for me", "I'm not sure I like how she is treating me")--you still think it's just a line that will win you the girl. It doesn't work like that. You still are acting desperate. People fall in love with who they believe to be equal to them or better not who are beneath them--remember that one. Don't act beneath her.

 

I'm not gonna tell you what to say to her nonsense from last night. I gave you the gist and basically there's not much there that deserves a reply. Though if you "powers of interpretation" were better you would see it as I see it. She puts out a bread crumb (some boring inane sh*t about home depot, gym whatever her stuff--not asking about you btw), you don't bite, and she becomes more desperate herself with the red dress photo. roll eye emoji!!~

 

See it for what it is. She is desperate herself, immature and willing to jerk you around, plays games. No reason to get worked up--underneath it all she is just as desperate as you--but unstable and unreliable--you should be taking it ALL into account.

[Imajerk17]

I think you got great advice on this page and the last of this thread from clia and Bastille and VersaceHottie. I think Bastille's 2nd full paragraph about how good relationships don't start from crap, is gold.

 

Meanwhile, while I do not know much about Corey Wayne, I have seen a couple of his youtube videos. From what I DO know, he advises against overinvesting into a girl, let alone a girl who is playing games. He sure as hell would advise you NOT to be writing post after frantic post about this girl. He would be advising you NOT to let her twist you into an emotional pretzel as she is currently doing. (No you don't need to go study his book harder to find this point, you just read this here.)

Edited June 20, 2017 by Imajerk17

[JuneL]

I also wanted to add another observation: Does it occur to you that the reason she's always flaky and never follows through with plans is that this is the way she is, besides her being manipulative/immature and her low interest toward you? Can you not anticipate the headaches down the road if you have a girlfriend like that??

 

You told us that she gave you a "loser" vibe initially. To many of the posters, this vibe has been confirmed by her getting drunk and going partying often at the age of 26, not being able to support herself financially and yet not doing anything about it, not being able to engage in a decent convo (as evident by her constant nonsense texts). She is no different than those "losers" (again, your word) you met in that "horrible" party you described.

 

We have concluded a few pages back that this woman is not a prize, and is only good for hanging out when you have nothing better to do with your time. I cringed every time I saw the word "availability" in your post. When you have nothing better to do, just pick up the phone impulsively and ask her to go for a drive at that very moment. There is a much better chance she'll say yes than planning something 1-2 days in advance. If she turns you down with some excuse, so be it.

[DancerEngineer]

Thanks everyone. I feel better after reading this all. I think I need to work on my insecurity and anxiety issues the most. I have thought of completely dropping this relationship, but then i realized, I will suffer no matter who I am with, so there is no fun in staying single forever. There was this week I was freaking out like an insane maniac over analyzing everything she said to me, and when I look back at that week....that week was actually the week we first had sex and she was blowing up my phone every day and asking to hang out every day...yet, I was still insecure thinking it was going to fail...I guess I have to work on myself.

----

But to give an update, I never responded to her last text from last night. And I still have yet to hear from her again. I'm going to continue to pull back. Coach Corey Wayne gave a good quote. he said, when you remove yourself from someone else's life, it shows them that you will not tolerate being taken for granted and that you value yourself. If they have a level of interest, they will come back. Yes, I value myself, and yes, I will pull back.

Thanks guys.

[Imajerk17]

Thanks everyone. I feel better after reading this all. I think I need to work on my insecurity and anxiety issues the most. I have thought of completely dropping this relationship, but then i realized, I will suffer no matter who I am with, so there is no fun in staying single forever. There was this week I was freaking out like an insane maniac over analyzing everything she said to me, and when I look back at that week....that week was actually the week we first had sex and she was blowing up my phone every day and asking to hang out every day...yet, I was still insecure thinking it was going to fail...I guess I have to work on myself.

----

But to give an update, I never responded to her last text from last night. And I still have yet to hear from her again. I'm going to continue to pull back. Coach Corey Wayne gave a good quote. he said, when you remove yourself from someone else's life, it shows them that you will not tolerate being taken for granted and that you value yourself. If they have a level of interest, they will come back. Yes, I value myself, and yes, I will pull back.

Thanks guys.

 

It looks like you absorbed the most valuable lesson of Corey Wayne (or of any good dating coach really)--and of all of our posts here on your thread. I am happy to read this.

 

Very nice update thanks for posting!