Making a Relationship "LONG TERM"

[Versacehottie]

Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better about this relationship now. I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing till she brings up a "what are we talk."

I never had her text me and ask to get lunch when I am at work before, but sadly I had to turn it down because I was tied up and couldn't take the time. Hope she isn't mad about that as she never responded to my busy text. Yikes. I also need to work on not being insecure.

Like now i'm insecure because I couldn't meet her for lunch on my lunch break and I haven't heard back from her. Same insecurities that are constantly going in my head.

 

ok, you just need some more experience. I would say regarding the lunch thing to:

A) not be so boring, try to give here "something". True, this is the reason you can't go but it's not an engineering manual. Use contact from her as an opportunity to flirt or expose more of your personality. Say something funny or cute to her, even while saying you are busy.

 

B) To provide reassurance when someone is making an effort and putting herself out there for you, you can say no you can't make it but offer an alternative time to meet up and do something. It looks like overall you are trying to (and need to build a connection that you can feel more secure with). So let a person into your life a bit when you are turning her down for lunch today as in a more interesting or detailed (not LONG per se but some detail) reason why you can't make it. A joke about your boss or some engineering self-deprecating stuff OR use it as an opportunity to semi-brag/be impressive by talking about a big project or something important you are doing. Get the picture? Then she knows a little more about you and has an opportunity to banter with you if that's the direction of your text. It gives you an opportunity to hold your own in the relationship rather than cut yourself off by being rote or boring, blunt. And you always want to take advantage of her asking you out by reciprocating with another choice of when you can meet.

 

Lastly, I have no idea why you would wait to bring up her being your girlfriend. Unless you want her to call all the important shots in your relationship, provided she sticks around. You may need a bit more time or information but acting like a beta sitting duck waiting for her to ask you is not the answer necessarily either. Reel her in some more, be on more stable ground with her and then YOU ask. Doesn't CW ever say stuff about being confident? If girls have a baseline interest in you, your confidence is going to attach them more. By saying and doing nothing or very little, when behind the scenes you are scared sh*tless, it might be more transparent than you believe and you will come off as insecure, i.e. not worthy. Or at very least indifferent, and she will probably lose interest.

 

Good luck

[Bastile]

Doesn't CW ever say stuff about being confident?

 

Corey Wayne's whole thing is about "not chasing". Not initiating much of anything, which is why I dislike it.

 

It's easy to follow advice, which is useful to guys who are in need. Because learning to chase artfully is actually quite tricky and full of learning from error.

 

I actually think OP's best bet is probably following Corey Wayne, it's a solid enough frame-work, and it's playing a decent safe game.

 

This despite some of our distaste.

[jessiesgurl]

Fair enough Bastile and I have story for you.

 

I was dating a guy and it was very early stages. He ended up becoming a long time boyfriend, but that's not important right now.

 

Note, we had not discussed exclusivity.

 

Before he met me, admittedly he was a multi-dater and he dated A LOT. He also liked to play games and solicit reactions but I quickly picked up on it, and played back.

 

So I went to his one night for drinks and dinner. Nice music, great lighting, ambience, very romantic.

 

Also want to point out that while he may have been one of the hottest guys I have ever been with, if not the hottest, he was actually quite insecure.

 

Anyway, you want to talk about a sh*t test? We went to his bedroom and he actually pointed out the fresh used condom that was in between the sheets. Needless to say it wasn't ours! lol

 

I knew exactly what he was doing, he was shyt testing me, looking for a reaction.

 

So what was my reaction? I said, that's nice I hope it was an enjoyable experience for you! LOL He laughed and actually admitted it was a test and we had some fun with it.

 

Another time I went over and I found ONE earring left on the side table. It was a rather gauchy looking earring, so I picked it up, and dangled it in front him, and said "OMG don't tell me you actually had a woman over who wore "these"? HAHAHA LOL.

 

Again he laughed because once again it was a test to solicit a reaction, just not quite the reaction he was looking for, and we had fun with it.

 

Long story short, these shyt tests eventually stopped, but I guess the point is to recognize the test, make a joke out of it, and toss one back.

 

That is what worked for me, and if I ever (inadvertently.... lol) instituted a shyt test, the best and smartest reaction would be for him to recognize the test, and either toss a smartarsy comment back, or a teasing retort, NOT just ignore it. That's no fun at all and tells me he takes things far to seriously (for me).

 

Whether it was done as a manipulation, I didn't see it that way. Insecurity, yes! But like I said, we all get insecure and we all do what we need to do.

 

It's up to us as to how we want to react. We can either presume it was some sort of manipulation and/or the person intentionally messing with our heads (which is NEGATIV), OR we can see it as the insecurity and game that it is and play back, turning it into something fun and positive.

 

All that said Bastile, as I also said, if ignoring a chick works best for you, then again more power to ya.

Edited June 8, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[Bastile]

@jessiegurl

 

Yeah, men can do it too. And some good natured piss taking back and forth is a laugh (but a different thing).

 

Was just pointing out that this sort of testing is it's own definable thing.

 

And, of course, we have to be flexible as people. But that sort of test, I usually just ignore.

 

I typically don't talk about other women with whomever I'm dating. I actually find that disrepectful. So, we deal with tests in our own ways, based on our own nature.

 

And women don't get too upset with my ignoring it, because I'm generally a pretty good guy that gives them lots of attention

[jessiesgurl]

@ Bastile, yes it IS disrespectful and appreciate your recognizing that!

 

But in retrospect, at the time I was too naïve, too dumb and too much in LUST to realize that, so chose to just play along.

 

If it were me now, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry, I probably would just dump him; those tests were just really silly and immature.

 

To his credit, he did eventually stop though and turned out to be a very respectful guy, so it wasn't all that bad.

 

We ended up dating for many years.

Edited June 8, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[DancerEngineer]

ok, you just need some more experience. I would say regarding the lunch thing to:

A) not be so boring, try to give here "something". True, this is the reason you can't go but it's not an engineering manual. Use contact from her as an opportunity to flirt or expose more of your personality. Say something funny or cute to her, even while saying you are busy.

 

Lastly, I have no idea why you would wait to bring up her being your girlfriend.

 

Good luck

 

VERY VERY TRUE! I was kinda dry about it and just said, "sorry i just got this, but I can't because I am busy working on calculations with another co worker. :/ Hope you having a good day. I should have made a cute joke about it and offered another time and thanked hr for thinking of me!

UHHHH She still hasn't texted me back after I sent her that!!!! Now my insecurities are building in, but I know I shouldn't text her because I was the last to text, and I don't wanna come off needy because that always pushed her away when I come off needy.

 

Coach Corey Wayne makes it very very clear to NEVER bring it up unless the women brings it up. And when she brings it up, don't just assume, ask her what she means by it and if she says she wants an exclusive relationship, then agree to it.

[Versacehottie]

Corey Wayne's whole thing is about "not chasing". Not initiating much of anything, which is why I dislike it.

 

It's easy to follow advice, which is useful to guys who are in need. Because learning to chase artfully is actually quite tricky and full of learning from error.

 

I actually think OP's best bet is probably following Corey Wayne, it's a solid enough frame-work, and it's playing a decent safe game.

 

This despite some of our distaste.

 

Some of the advice I've heard of his is ok/good enough. The problem with a guy like our OP "playing it cool" is that as a 28 year old virgin up until a moment ago, most girls will have a hard time believing that he is coming from a place of "cool" with other "options". He's just going to come off scared and insecure (which let's face it he himself has basically admitted--sorry OP, I hope you will find this helpful--there's no sense in sugarcoating things for you on an anonymous forum). I think the CW stuff would have merit for him to not rush in or overdo it--on that aspect of it. But it's a huge leap for even a somewhat smitten girl to jump from this guy was a virgin days ago and now is acting like a dude with a million options. Even she, who obviously likes him, would have a hard time believing that wholeheartedly.

 

I like your idea of using it as a framework. Take the good, leave the bad. However, wondering if OP has enough experience to determine which is which. If he gets too tied up in the CW advice, he could fall back on that advice rather than trust his own instincts and understand THIS woman. Idk, it doesn't feel very organic & he might end up blowing it. I think people who rely too heavily on guru's tend to overthink because they don't have confidence in themselves in the moment--something OP could greatly use!

[Versacehottie]

VERY VERY TRUE! I was kinda dry about it and just said, "sorry i just got this, but I can't because I am busy working on calculations with another co worker. :/ Hope you having a good day. I should have made a cute joke about it and offered another time and thanked hr for thinking of me!

UHHHH She still hasn't texted me back after I sent her that!!!! Now my insecurities are building in, but I know I shouldn't text her because I was the last to text, and I don't wanna come off needy because that always pushed her away when I come off needy.

 

Coach Corey Wayne makes it very very clear to NEVER bring it up unless the women brings it up. And when she brings it up, don't just assume, ask her what she means by it and if she says she wants an exclusive relationship, then agree to it.

 

Just to be clear i liked this post of yours for the nice compliment of agreement NOT the last Coach corey wayne stuff. I will just say that I've always waited until the guy asked me & it's worked fine OR it's just been obvious we were a couple and no talk necessary (it worked out though maybe that's not the recommended option!). Idk, there is confidence in a guy who knows what he wants and it's you. In my experience, guys who have a lot of options and still have one girl in mind like to lock it down and don't really feel a need to "hide" that. They might not be the most expressive about why & romantic comments but they want what they want and don't need to wait for a girl to bring it up. There's definitely a difference between a guy who is desperate to lock you down vs one who is excited and confident to do it.

 

Yeah, if the "needy" thing has backfired on you in the past (which i would think it would), don't re-text tonight or act like you "messed up" or need to clarify. Imagining what guys I know would do, they would just get back in touch in about 2 days and pick back up the conversation, such as "things were crazy busy the other day, they're better today, lunch today? or if that's not possible, dinner tonight? That's off the top of my head (and dialogue could be a little better) but basically you just want to pick back up like you've done nothing wrong & are getting around to her initial request. I like that you'd give her two options--one that's basically same as her original (lunch) and a more exciting or better one like dinner. Then she gets to feel feminine in making the choice and that you did something nice for her. It doesn't have to be as rigid as two meals. If the second option was more interesting, something that has a previous connection to the both of you, that would be best. Like a place you said you were going to try or an activity you two had discussed. Sorry it's hard to explain but hopefully you get it.

[DancerEngineer]

So she ended up messaging me last night and said, "oh i thought i responded to this. I hope your day was really good!!! "

And then started being all happy and stuff and then she told me she missed me! I told her I missed her too and was looking forward to seeing her again.

 

So I guess I was right to wait till she texted me back. But I do have a questions as how much contact and time to give her from here. I am really busy this week, and I am working on a lot of personal projects at home.

When she reaches out to me and I am too busy, is that a turn off? If she ask me to do something, and I am too busy to do it, is it a turn off to her to turn it down for being busy because then she will think I am too busy for her?

 

She needs a personal website for her work, and I told her in the past I would help her get once set up as I am an engineer and very good with computers. So last night I told her I would get that set up for her and asked when would work for her and she said probably Friday. So I am most likely seeing her tomorrow. But lets say she text me right now and ask to hang out, but I am too busy, what is a good come back and a good way to turn this around on her without looking like a flake, or hard to work with?

She always reaches out to me, and we just plan hang outs and dates, but I haven't really turned down any of her invites in the past. I'm not sure if this is going to make me look needy or if this what I should be doing....Just confused on how to manager time with her I guess. Time management and texting.

Thanks!

Edited June 8, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[DancerEngineer]

Like I have no idea how to time manage texting. I still haven't heard from her today, but I have learned in the past to just wait. Should I keep letting her always contacting me first after work, or is it ok for me to contact her first some of the times? I'm just afraid of pushing her away because I did that in the past. And I want her to do all the pursuing. It's 6:21 here and I havn't heard from her all day. yesterday she contacted me at 7:50 but that was the same day she asked for lunch.

[Versacehottie]

So she ended up messaging me last night and said, "oh i thought i responded to this. I hope your day was really good!!! "

And then started being all happy and stuff and then she told me she missed me! I told her I missed her too and was looking forward to seeing her again.

 

So I guess I was right to wait till she texted me back. But I do have a questions as how much contact and time to give her from here. I am really busy this week, and I am working on a lot of personal projects at home.

When she reaches out to me and I am too busy, is that a turn off? If she ask me to do something, and I am too busy to do it, is it a turn off to her to turn it down for being busy because then she will think I am too busy for her?

 

She needs a personal website for her work, and I told her in the past I would help her get once set up as I am an engineer and very good with computers. So last night I told her I would get that set up for her and asked when would work for her and she said probably Friday. So I am most likely seeing her tomorrow. But lets say she text me right now and ask to hang out, but I am too busy, what is a good come back and a good way to turn this around on her without looking like a flake, or hard to work with?

She always reaches out to me, and we just plan hang outs and dates, but I haven't really turned down any of her invites in the past. I'm not sure if this is going to make me look needy or if this what I should be doing....Just confused on how to manager time with her I guess. Time management and texting.

Thanks!

 

I don't know exactly because women are all different. But I would say that having a firm plan for a date in place (that you ask for and set up) alleviates her wanting to "make something happen"! i.e. having something on the books is, for a lot of women, fine enough. And then they will go on getting ready for & excited about that upcoming date.

 

I still think it's a mistake to let her do all the work--but if she contacts you hoping to set something up with you and you are not free to meet up, just offer a solid and equally exciting (or better) alternative time/date/event. BTW, do NOT tell her you are going to do 'home projects' rather than spend time with her. That's rigid and she's not likely to accept that happily. In my opinion, you need to take an offense role in the relationship so you are not in the weaker position of always being on defense/reacting. Take the lead, including texting her first. Guys typically reach out with a purpose so start with that. Reach out first to ask her to do something some time in the future. That's a confident position to take.

[DancerEngineer]

 

I still think it's a mistake to let her do all the work

 

Thanks for your response. BTW, are you a guy or girl? Just curious as to where this is coming from? Coach Corey Wayne has a bunch of videos on texting and when the time is appropriate. So I am going to spend a long time studying and thinking about this **** today.

 

So basically what happened was that I thought we made plans for Friday, and Then she kinda changed them around on me the last mind and I came over to her place Friday.

To make it short, We went to the gym together, got Boba, I helped her clean her Gecko's cage, and we watched a movie in her bed at night.

I spent the night at her parents since she lives with her parents in her guest room. Then the next day she made us lunch and i helped her set up a website.

But the weird thing is that I still don't get reassurance from her that I am her boyfriend. She compares me to her previous boyfriends all the time to her parents which is good and they are comparisons as how i am better like not being a picky heaters and ****.

---------------------

But then her parents said, "So is he the gecko's dad?" Which refers to me.

Then she said, "No he is it's uncle."

I didn't say anything. I kinda just looked and said, "why am i the uncle? or i can be the geckos BFF haha"

Then she said, "Well the Gecko has many uncles."

WTF! That is like she is referring to me as her brother or just friend.

 

How can she refer to me as her friend when we are seeing each other more than once a week, making out, sleeping with each other, fooling around in bed, and are now having sex? I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing any other guys either...

 

This is the issue I am having with our relationship.

We are obviously dating and seeing each other hooking up and all that ****.

She tells me she loves me that one night...which is to be taken with a grain of salt, but I want this to turn into a long term committed relationship.

 

This is where I am stuck. i want her to refer me to her boyfriend. Not her friend. But then again, she compares me to her previous boyfriends to her parents a lot which is a sign she does see me as a boyfriend, but I still don't have evidence nor has she spoken to me about being official.

 

--------------

BTW, I think it is obvious her parents are already obsessed over me and want me dating her.

BUT, I am afraid this will back fire. I don't want her parents to pressure her to become official with me and cause her to back away because her parents pressured her.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks for your response. BTW, are you a guy or girl? Just curious as to where this is coming from? Coach Corey Wayne has a bunch of videos on texting and when the time is appropriate. So I am going to spend a long time studying and thinking about this **** today.

 

So basically what happened was that I thought we made plans for Friday, and Then she kinda changed them around on me the last mind and I came over to her place Friday.

To make it short, We went to the gym together, got Boba, I helped her clean her Gecko's cage, and we watched a movie in her bed at night.

I spent the night at her parents since she lives with her parents in her guest room. Then the next day she made us lunch and i helped her set up a website.

But the weird thing is that I still don't get reassurance from her that I am her boyfriend. She compares me to her previous boyfriends all the time to her parents which is good and they are comparisons as how i am better like not being a picky heaters and ****.

---------------------

But then her parents said, "So is he the gecko's dad?" Which refers to me.

Then she said, "No he is it's uncle."

I didn't say anything. I kinda just looked and said, "why am i the uncle? or i can be the geckos BFF haha"

Then she said, "Well the Gecko has many uncles."

WTF! That is like she is referring to me as her brother or just friend.

 

How can she refer to me as her friend when we are seeing each other more than once a week, making out, sleeping with each other, fooling around in bed, and are now having sex? I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing any other guys either...

 

This is the issue I am having with our relationship.

We are obviously dating and seeing each other hooking up and all that ****.

She tells me she loves me that one night...which is to be taken with a grain of salt, but I want this to turn into a long term committed relationship.

 

This is where I am stuck. i want her to refer me to her boyfriend. Not her friend. But then again, she compares me to her previous boyfriends to her parents a lot which is a sign she does see me as a boyfriend, but I still don't have evidence nor has she spoken to me about being official.

 

--------------

BTW, I think it is obvious her parents are already obsessed over me and want me dating her.

BUT, I am afraid this will back fire. I don't want her parents to pressure her to become official with me and cause her to back away because her parents pressured her.

 

I'm a girl. So my overall opinion is that you both are acting pretty immature and it's bound to backfire on you. I know it can be reassuring to get a game plan together from CW but don't you have enough info at this point? you need to man up. Sorry. She is going to (IS!) walk all over you. Currently, i think the comments about not gecko's dad but an uncle of which there are many, is her weak attempt to be coy. But it could be that she is already walking all over you. Needless to say rather than humorously calling her out on it in the moment or shortly afterward, you are getting all dejected and insecure about it. She is making a misstep and because CW hasn't told you exactly how to deal with these curveballs, you don't know what to do. Because you are not relying on yourself.

 

Listen, you spent the night in her bed, with her parents there, that's a good thing. You are putting yourself in this position by putting yourself in a "waiting" mode. That's the feminine position. You are waiting for confirmation and assurances from her that you are her bf and are a mess until you get it. Welcome to our world. haha. Well this is how it is for the majority of girls because of dating norms. We get pretty used to it and have all sorts of strategies for dealing--some better than others. Take the lead a bit. Sure get some texting advice for CW but i believe you are interpreting the vibe of what he teaches differently than he probably wanted. If acting like you could care less makes you a wimpy mess, you will still lose the girl, your dignity or both. Somehow I don't think that is what he means. I think he tries to give strategies where you guys give off an air that you have many options and confidently don't care too much what happens with any one girl. If that's not what's going on in your head, it will mess with you.

 

You can't change the energy in a room when the air goes out of it because she feels brazen enough to demote you from dad to uncle and then further insults you by saying there are other uncles!! Jesus! plus your actions are whooped bf-like so you're not fooling anyone--taking care of gecko, working out with her, coming over at her beck and call & spending the night over there. BTW, her actions aren't so transparent either. She did all that stuff with you; she likes you. She is playing games to leverage, pretty much. She may be fickle, unreliable & not loyal but no real way to tell that now. Good luck

[JuneL]

A couple of observations: First, Versace gave really good advice; second, the girl seems super patient; I would have lost all my patience if I was dating someone as passive.

[DancerEngineer]

I'm a girl. So my overall opinion is that you both are acting pretty immature and it's bound to backfire on you. I know it can be reassuring to get a game plan together from CW but don't you have enough info at this point? you need to man up. Sorry. She is going to (IS!) walk all over you. Currently, i think the comments about not gecko's dad but an uncle of which there are many, is her weak attempt to be coy. But it could be that she is already walking all over you. Needless to say rather than humorously calling her out on it in the moment or shortly afterward, you are getting all dejected and insecure about it. She is making a misstep and because CW hasn't told you exactly how to deal with these curveballs, you don't know what to do. Because you are not relying on yourself.

 

Listen, you spent the night in her bed, with her parents there, that's a good thing. You are putting yourself in this position by putting yourself in a "waiting" mode. That's the feminine position. You are waiting for confirmation and assurances from her that you are her bf and are a mess until you get it. Welcome to our world. haha. Well this is how it is for the majority of girls because of dating norms. We get pretty used to it and have all sorts of strategies for dealing--some better than others. Take the lead a bit. Sure get some texting advice for CW but i believe you are interpreting the vibe of what he teaches differently than he probably wanted. If acting like you could care less makes you a wimpy mess, you will still lose the girl, your dignity or both. Somehow I don't think that is what he means. I think he tries to give strategies where you guys give off an air that you have many options and confidently don't care too much what happens with any one girl. If that's not what's going on in your head, it will mess with you.

 

You can't change the energy in a room when the air goes out of it because she feels brazen enough to demote you from dad to uncle and then further insults you by saying there are other uncles!! Jesus! plus your actions are whooped bf-like so you're not fooling anyone--taking care of gecko, working out with her, coming over at her beck and call & spending the night over there. BTW, her actions aren't so transparent either. She did all that stuff with you; she likes you. She is playing games to leverage, pretty much. She may be fickle, unreliable & not loyal but no real way to tell that now. Good luck

 

Honestly, I read this entire thing, and I have no idea how it interpret this. I don't know what you are saying?

Corey Wayne always says to NEVER bring up being exclusive until the girl does. its the girls job to chase down the man and lock him down. So my main goal now is to get her to want to lock me down. I am just keeping cool and letting her text me and keep making dates and hooking up with her till she brings it up. Are you telling me I shouldn't do this? I want this to work out, and I have no idea how to go from here. After I left her house last night which was Saturday night, she started texting me about her job and telling me how she got tips and stuff. I just payed it cool and supported her and stuff, but kept the text simple. So now I am just here waiting for her to text me which she hasn't texted me at all yet. She also gets off super late from her job. Like 3am. So I know she wakes up late. But I have no idea what I should do when she demotes me to a brother a stuff. I don't know how to take it from here. Trying to lock her down in a relationship will just back fire and scare her away. I know that.

[DancerEngineer]

A couple of observations: First, Versace gave really good advice; second, the girl seems super patient; I would have lost all my patience if I was dating someone as passive.

 

As passive as me? I first told her originally i wanted a relationship, and then i scared her away, and she made up excuses for not wanting it and stuff even thought she confessed to having feelings. Then when i backed off, she came running back and we started dating and hooking up.

How am I being so passive? Not sure of your point. Can you elaborate a little?

I feel like this might be a crucial time.

[DancerEngineer]

UPDATE:

I didn't text her at all today then she just randomly texted me and asked, "how is your Sunday going?"

So I just simply said, "hey it's great went down my to do list and just reading, what you up too?"

 

She said, "I'm on a walk with my parents and will be working on my website and logo when i get back."

 

I think it is very very obvious her parents are going to be bringing me up during that walk. Her parents do like me a lot, and I am sure they are probably talking about me during the walk. I hope this is a good sign. D:

[Versacehottie]

Honestly, I read this entire thing, and I have no idea how it interpret this. I don't know what you are saying?

Corey Wayne always says to NEVER bring up being exclusive until the girl does. its the girls job to chase down the man and lock him down. So my main goal now is to get her to want to lock me down. I am just keeping cool and letting her text me and keep making dates and hooking up with her till she brings it up. Are you telling me I shouldn't do this? I want this to work out, and I have no idea how to go from here. After I left her house last night which was Saturday night, she started texting me about her job and telling me how she got tips and stuff. I just payed it cool and supported her and stuff, but kept the text simple. So now I am just here waiting for her to text me which she hasn't texted me at all yet. She also gets off super late from her job. Like 3am. So I know she wakes up late. But I have no idea what I should do when she demotes me to a brother a stuff. I don't know how to take it from here. Trying to lock her down in a relationship will just back fire and scare her away. I know that.

 

Yes, essentially I am telling you that you shouldn't be doing this. As JuneL says, you are acting way too passive to hold most girls attention. That's part of the reason why taking the leader role works because it certainly is not passive. There is a danger is interpreting the CW the way you have. I suspect it works bc it conveys non-interest or little interest, just enough. There a difference between letting her make ALL the moves in the relationship while acting interested and jumping upon command vs you losing interest, as you were before when you thought you had little to no chance with her. You thought it was futile so began to pull away and she was interested again. That's because you acted as if your own choice in the matter, mattered. That's what a guy would is conducting and leading his life will do.

 

Don't jump to right away asking her for a relationship. As you said, I think that would backfire at the moment. Partly because you NOW have a new dynamic where she is interested (maybe only slightly, or conditionally but still) but there is a pattern where she is calling all the shots. So that is too extreme of a step. It's hard to tell if she is leaning on you for semi-support, friendship-ish that is dangling the possibility of romance. It's probably more but you are right it is at a crucial point. You need to start bantering back. Hold your own within the relationship. Idk, I might have demoted her to an auntie as a joke in the moment (not in front of her parents) but you need to give her a taste of her own medicine. She needs to see you as not so safe all the time....such as the text exchange today.

 

Oh dear! If that is the s**t that CW is teaching you regarding texting, it is not helpful. The text exchange today is a snooze fest & damn, my friend, it needs to be more guy like!!! I would die if a guy I liked said he was working thru his to do list as you recounted that text exchange---tooooooo feminine!!! CW surely does not teach this or you are interpreting it incorrectly. I have to say it sounds like you are waiting there like a sitting duckling, getting all your chores done before your man calls, i.e. her!! As most girls are familiar with, even if we repeatedly fall into the trap, acting too available is the kiss of death. So even if you convey the SAME content, do it with a masculine sense of purpose. Yes, fudge a little if you happen to be a very sedate, serious guy. Then capitalize on your ambition, goals and sense of purpose and convey that along with the same info. It can be a simple as letting her know you were getting all your stuff done at home because you've got a busy work week ahead--an important project. She already thinks you're good with the website stuff so capitalize on that. That you are making sh*t happen in your life. Even if you are serious, you convey the sense that she needs to be worthy, interesting, interested & good to you to make it into your life. There needs to be a sense that you've got sh*t going on, whatever it is. Even guys i've like when they were relaxing were taking that to the max, macho level. In some ways it less about differences between men and women but a sense that each person has something going on that makes them worthy of the other person. That something has to be independent of just the fact that they are dying to be with this girl (that guy). It has to be the sense for the other person that you would be attractive in general to others. It becomes more special because they EARN their place with you.... by the connection you share, the joking around, special things you do for one another and how you find them attractive and more so as you get to know them. you seem like you are putting her on a pedestal and that rarely works out well and I'm sure that is NOT what CW teaches. You already make a lot of concessions for "she works late, etc etc". You need to rise to be her equal not sit there waiting. Make sure you give that impression. It's best if it's true.

 

You also have to be inherently true to who you are. I can tell you tons of good lines to feed her back about that uncle to the gecko sh*t but somehow I don't think it will sound authentic coming from you since you seem pretty serious--which is not a bad thing but a little more difficult to handle these moments. You sound like you might come from a conservative or culturally reserved background, right? Perhaps her too? I say that because you are quite sure she will talk about you with her parents and also the vibe you give off. Idk, that might be a bit of a challenge for me to advise on since I probably have a different background. However, I would say that in general, you need to keep her on her toes, knock her down a notch with a little light friendly teasing. She needs to not be SO sure you are going to be right there. It will cause her to be more invested, more interested. The more she invests of herself into you, the more hooked she will be. tHat's why I think some of the CW stuff is b.s or will backfire on you. You are risking a lot to let her be the one to choose if she will or will not invest. And waiting and only responding doesn't make a connection that one can bank on. It's risky for you. Plus at some point you will just need to be you.

[DancerEngineer]

I don't get it. You said I need to not be so available for her, but at the same time, be texting her more often?

 

I don't know what else I would have said other than go down my to do list. That is what I did.

I come from a super conservative background, but she isn't so conservative. her parents are though.

 

Basically I just played it cook with the text and said, "oh cool" and told her the name of this website she can use to get her logo done. And then she text me back and just said "Sweet! just getting back from our walk."

have no text back since. I have no idea wtf to even say. I rather no text than say something and **** myself over.

 

Last week she was texting me a LOT asking to meet for lunch, and even asking to drop by my place at night when she was on her way home, so I hope that attitude continues from her. But I have no idea what the heck to do from here. What do I even know how to proceed from here. I don't want to **** this up.

 

Should I even respond to her text? Or just ignore it so she can see i'm being busy like a guy? her last text to me was simply just , "Sweet! Just getting back from the walk."

[DancerEngineer]

In short words, what should I be doing? I think in black and white and have trouble understanding that long message you sent. You telling me to text her more?

Also if I should be waiting for her to bring up the relationship status, then when do I bring it up and how?

[DancerEngineer]

So I just flat out just responded right now with "so what is your weeks availability like? "

 

So I can just stop texting and make our next date. Hope that is what you meant by what I need to do. Hopefully this ends up good.

[Versacehottie]

I didn't really say not to be available. I said to have your own life, essentially. The tone of how you have been reacting and interacting with her conveys that you are simply there 'waiting' passively being available to her every whim. Not an equal with her on a pedestal.

 

I can tell you are very literal with things--this will make things seem more rigid and less personal when you interact with her, i.e. not fun or like you are a strong, interesting guy. In your case, you need to show off the side of you that is authentic. That you work hard and are ambitious with your career and your goals. You need to take a more dominant role. In other words, a guy will have these important things going on in his life, such as your career and other project you have, but is not willing to lower their priority or downplay them to jump to attention when this girl rings. Even if you accept the call or the text you ASSERT yourself. Talk passionately about what you did and why, assert what is important to you--that is less passive and shows the other person that you value yourself and your life and she'd have to be pretty special & of equal worth to find herself in it. Does that make sense? I feel like that's about as simple as I can make it.

 

Secondly someone with an ACTUAL full and vibrant life is not hiding how much he likes this girl; he will actively make room for her in his life in as much as is proper proportionate to the amount of time they have been dating & how much she is investing & how so. He would not be "afraid" or holding back on booking dates or initiating texts. He'd be confident in her interest & handle himself accordingly. Think of it like steps, if you both enjoy yourself in the initial steps and there is reciprocal interest/investment, you feel compelled & WILLING to take the next step. And only then because you've got too much going on in your life that you are otherwise interested in and care about to make room for some girl that either doesn't treat you well, isn't loyal or doesn't interest you. She is evaluating you, of course but also you are evaluating her at every step of the way TO GET TO THE NEXT STEP. As is common with so many problems on this site, you seem like you have already jumped ahead and decided you want her as your gf when she has not proven to be good girlfriend material. Just slow your brain down and SEE if she actually is. Put yourself in deciding mode. To see if she is good enough for YOU. The level and extent with which you LET her into your life is proportionate to how serious you are. Not official yet, so don't let her all the way in yet.

 

In my opinion, without clarity on the uncles comment, she would drop in priority because she has commented to your face that there are "others". Now I think she may have been acting coy, joking or trying to make you jealous but since she did not try to correct it with you and you did not address it in the moment, you have two choices to accept the diss/nonclarity or speak to her about it. I think she is immature and you are inexperienced. Giving her the benefit of the doubt without calling things off, it's natural to pull back after that and have her come to you. However, it would be confusing since you didn't address it in the moment or shortly thereafter. Now you've already had normal/pleasant exchanges unrelated so to pull back would be weird and she would probably not make the connection to her rude comments. So you move FORWARD in my opinion. Presume you are important in her life because that is what her actions have told you (for most part). You gotta get this more balanced out. I took a bit to look at some of the CW videos and you are misinterpreting them, which is the problem with relying on a guru formula to get what you want. It is a critical point I truly believe and you need to balance things right away. Try talking back to her--meaning if she says something cheeky or a bit out of line, call her on it or respond in kind. Be cautious not to be rude or bitter. But if you let her walk all over you, this isn't going to end well, even if you are in a long term relationship with her--you will be very unhappy. Good luck

Edited June 12, 2017 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

In short words, what should I be doing? I think in black and white and have trouble understanding that long message you sent. You telling me to text her more?

Also if I should be waiting for her to bring up the relationship status, then when do I bring it up and how?

 

You bring it up when and IF she deserves it from you. Does she really deserve to be your gf when she made the comments about uncles etc? Not yet, IMO. You need more assurance for yourself that she is worthy. Time will tell. What is the rush? Also you need to be on more stable ground with each other. Every time anyone I know & myself has been asked or asked, it was pretty much a formality where everyone knew the answer was yes. You are not quite sure you will get a yes from her so wait until the relationship is showing you that she feels as you feel. I don't think it's there yet.

[Versacehottie]

So I just flat out just responded right now with "so what is your weeks availability like? "

 

So I can just stop texting and make our next date. Hope that is what you meant by what I need to do. Hopefully this ends up good.

 

This is pretty good Dancer. I'd like to see you add some more of your personality and it would be good to show your excitement for whatever you would be doing & spending time with her by saying what activity you have in mind. You can do that when she texts back.

[DancerEngineer]

I didn't really say not to be available. I said to have your own life, essentially.

That you work hard and are ambitious with your career and your goals. You need to take a more dominant role.

 

 

Presume you are important in her life because that is what her actions have told you (for most part). You gotta get this more balanced out.

 

So last week she wanted to get lunch with me at work, and I had to tell her i was too busy.

Then she wanted to drop by my place on the way home, and I had to tell her I was too busy. Isn't this kinda what you are talking about? So I guess it's safe to say that it is good I told her i was too busy then so she doesn't think I am just waiting for her to text? And I was seriously busy! I wan't playing games.