Making a Relationship "LONG TERM"

[JuneL]

Do you hang out with friends at all? Do you seriously want to be invited over to hang out at her parents place so that you guys can clean your nephew's cage together and then sleep in the guest room? At the very least, if she wants you to go over, you should make a counter-offer to come over to your place (you don't live with your parents, do you?).

[DancerEngineer]

Do you hang out with friends at all? Do you seriously want to be invited over to hang out at her parents place so that you guys can clean your nephew's cage together and then sleep in the guest room? At the very least, if she wants you to go over, you should make a counter-offer to come over to your place (you don't live with your parents, do you?).

 

Yeah sure. But should I lie about it? She still hasn't text me today.

And to answer your questions. Yes, i live with my parents at the moment. And she knows it and is ok with it. but it is only temporary because it is due to a change in job. Its a temporary place before i find a new apartment because of getting a new job. She hasn't seen my place yet.

But she has no issues with me at my parents temporarily and she even stated to me she thinks it's smart because its a smart financial decision.

[JuneL]

Do you know what type of food she likes? If she likes, say, sushi, you can say I heard this sushi place is pretty good, let's have dinner there on Fri?

 

As I've stated before, I also think you should make it clear you're not interested in having a nephew!

[DancerEngineer]

Do you know what type of food she likes? If she likes, say, sushi, you can say I heard this sushi place is pretty good, let's have dinner there on Fri?

 

As I've stated before, I also think you should make it clear you're not interested in having a nephew!

 

That is what i did. last night I asked her for her availability this week and she never got back to me. I wanted her availability so i can make another definite date. And maybe even take her to my swing class.

She said last night she would let me know today, and all i got from here was one stupid text that said, "i need to relearn going to bed earlier so i can wake up earlier! LOL!"

 

That is all. She sent me that at 11am. and I never got another text from her again. All the hang outs we do are all just her contacting me and just spontaneously doing things. She likes spontaneous. She hates setting dates.

I am still waiting for her to text me something else.

 

How do I make it more clear I wont be the geckos nephew? And she likes all types of food. She said this weekend she went out to her favorite place to eat last Friday. then i asked her what it was, and then she said she didn't want to tell me just yet. She was all smiling and acting silly about not telling me.

 

so right now I am home from work. sitting down, and working on some of my research project while waiting for her to text. Still nothing from her.

idk what to do. coach corey wayne says you do nothing.

Edited June 13, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[JuneL]

That is what i did. last night I asked her for her availability this week and she never got back to me. I wanted her availability so i can make another definite date. And maybe even take her to my swing class.

She said last night she would let me know today, and all i got from here was one stupid text that said, "i need to relearn going to bed earlier so i can wake up earlier! LOL!"

 

That is all. She sent me that at 11am. and I never got another text from her again. All the hang outs we do are all just her contacting me and just spontaneously doing things. She likes spontaneous. She hates setting dates.

I am still waiting for her to text me something else.

 

How do I make it more clear I wont be the geckos nephew? And she likes all types of food. She said this weekend she went out to her favorite place to eat last Friday. then i asked her what it was, and then she said she didn't want to tell me just yet. She was all smiling and acting silly about not telling me.

 

so right now I am home from work. sitting down, and working on some of my research project while waiting for her to text. Still nothing from her.

idk what to do. coach corey wayne says you do nothing.

 

As I said before, just suggest something very specific (with the day/time) instead of asking for her availability first. With the additional info from the last couple of pages, I got the feeling she'd be happy if you inititate to take her to a nice dinner.

 

I'm not judging you for staying with your parents temporarily. I was asking just to see if you have the privacy to do some romantic stuff. I guess not :-(

[DancerEngineer]

As I said before, just suggest something very specific (with the day/time) instead of asking for her availability first. With the additional info from the last couple of pages, I got the feeling she'd be happy if you inititate to take her to a nice dinner.

 

I'm not judging you for staying with your parents temporarily. I was asking just to see if you have the privacy to do some romantic stuff. I guess not :-(

 

Still she hasn't contacted me and it is 7:35. I did. I said let me know when you find your schedule and want to come to my swing class Thursday after work. i thought that was a set time for her to simply say yes to.

 

in this video he says to just chill the heck out and do nothing like I am doing.

So you saying I should have more dates planned at the back of my head?

[JuneL]

Still she hasn't contacted me and it is 7:35. I did. I said let me know when you find your schedule and want to come to my swing class Thursday after work. i thought that was a set time for her to simply say yes to.

 

in this video he says to just chill the heck out and do nothing like I am doing.

So you saying I should have more dates planned at the back of my head?

 

No, not now. It would be nice if you had suggested a specific dinner date instead (this swing class doesn't have a date vibe). But what's done is done.

[DancerEngineer]

No, not now. It would be nice if you had suggested a specific dinner date instead (this swing class doesn't have a date vibe). But what's done is done.

 

So what do I do? Her last test to me was just that "oh i have to go to sleep earlier so i can wake up earlier LOL!"

 

that is last i heard from her. So do nothing and just wait for her to contact me?

or respond to her text that she sent at 11am today?

[JuneL]

So what do I do? Her last test to me was just that "oh i have to go to sleep earlier so i can wake up earlier LOL!"

 

that is last i heard from her. So do nothing and just wait for her to contact me?

or respond to her text that she sent at 11am today?

 

Do nothing. I thought there is a consensus on this one.

[DancerEngineer]

****. I really hope she starts reaching out again and I hope this is just my insecurity.

[DancerEngineer]

Well she just called me up and asked me to get dinner with her, so i guess I'm getting dinner. Idk if this is a right or wrong move, but I told her I just have to get ready and i'll head over.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, my friend, your anxiety is on full force. You've GOT to get this in check. Glad you have gone to dinner with her but i sure hope you take the lead more. Don't you find it a bit odd and even insulting that someone who works ONE day a week can't be pinned down for a date with you??? I mean you work 5 days hard. and are willing to make time for her (rather open-endedly but I digress). Maybe she is also just a flake. Needless to say this is hopelessly unbalanced and it is actually fueling your anxiety situation and then all the things you worry about will likely come true--desperate to hold onto her, you will lose her. Further creating an anxiety problem in yourself that will become even more difficult to overcome. Taking a passive role in anything creates anxiety. You need to express your wishes & make moves that suit you. The fact that her non-response to your text made you so angry is unsettling. Not quite a normal response.

[JuneL]

Well she just called me up and asked me to get dinner with her, so i guess I'm getting dinner. Idk if this is a right or wrong move, but I told her I just have to get ready and i'll head over.

 

How did the dinner go? Did you tell her you're not interested in being her gacko's uncle? Did you initiate another specific date? You live in San Diego, how about taking her to the beach?

[DancerEngineer]

Well i just met her for dinner and drinks. Then we kinda just hung in her car a little and touched a little. She kept complaining about her stomach hurting after which is probably why we didn't take a drive and do more foreplay and stuff. idk

 

But then she took my sweatshirt and kept it. LOL And when i got out of her car and to my car to drive home, she got out and hugged me and kissed me a little.

 

i brought up her schedule, and she said, "well at least we are hanging today, right?"

She kept asking if I was mad or bored. I told her to stop asking that and told her I was happy to simply just spending time with her. And I think that made her feel better. I think she didn't bring up the swing class because she simply isn't interested in that type of dance. She likes the Latin dances more. Then she said, "i'm ok with you dancing with other girls." I didn't take this offensively. I took this as her telling me that she isn't controlling and wants to let me have fun in my passion and hobby. Which is funny because at the very beginning when she pushed me away when I brought up a relationship, she said the complete opposite. She said, "I don't want a relationship because if we are dance partners and we get in a fight, it will affect our dancing. "

 

But now it seems like she is more into me than the dancing. Which is good. ....I hope I am interpreting this correctly.

 

But you guys are right.

Next time I see her I am going to bring up her making plans with me how it is kinda rude to me. I work every day and she works once a week. She wants everything all random and spontaneous, but I have a busy schedule like that is why I had to turn her down twice last week. I need to say something like I am busy, and you need to be making plans with me in advanced so we can spend time together because i can't always drop everything I am doing and come over for you. Say that in a nice way...some how. But no. I did not bring up a relationship talk.

It was kinda dumb. We just got food and drinks and spent a little time in her car. And we couldn't do anything because she has a really bad stomach ache.

I also read online that it is a good sign when a girl takes you sweatshirt.

She even told me before I left my house to bring her a sweatshirt. LOL

 

So she texted me when she got home and simply said,

"just got home.

Thanks for dinner and spending time with me. <3 "

 

Then I stopped beating around the bush and got more direct and told her.

"thank you too. I cherish my time spent with you. I hope your stomach feels better. Sleep well babe. "

 

And all i got was a text her her a couple hours after i fell asleep of her and her gecko saying chilling with the baby.

 

idk. it was a short hang out, and i was expecting more. meh......now i miss her again. sucks.

[DancerEngineer]

How did the dinner go? Did you tell her you're not interested in being her gacko's uncle? Did you initiate another specific date? You live in San Diego, how about taking her to the beach?

 

No, didn't bring up any relationship talk. Didn't feel like it was the right time.

I guess she made it clear that she isn't interested in swing, and she likes Latin dances more. So I need to think of more dates she would be interested in. I guess that I where I should go from here.

[DancerEngineer]

Wow, my friend, your anxiety is on full force. You've GOT to get this in check. Glad you have gone to dinner with her but i sure hope you take the lead more.

 

I actually have an anxiety disorder. I am diagnosed with anxiety and OCD.

So my full blown anxiety and OCD with her not liking to make plans and everything be all spontaneous is making me always anxious. It's a side effect of my crazy engineering brain.

[JuneL]

No, didn't bring up any relationship talk. Didn't feel like it was the right time.

I guess she made it clear that she isn't interested in swing, and she likes Latin dances more. So I need to think of more dates she would be interested in. I guess that I where I should go from here.

 

Thanks for the update. My concern is that both of you live with your parents, so you might need to have a small getaway to have some romantic time for the two of you. It doesn't have to be over the top. Perhaps you can go on a day trip or spend a weekend or just an evening on the beach. I'm just throwing some ideas...

[DancerEngineer]

Thanks for the update. My concern is that both of you live with your parents, so you might need to have a small getaway to have some romantic time for the two of you. It doesn't have to be over the top. Perhaps you can go on a day trip or spend a weekend or just an evening on the beach. I'm just throwing some ideas...

 

I feel that same way. I am planning on moving out again soon. It's just this a career change. The time I felt she was closest to me was when we got a hotel room to our self. I can't wait to move out again.

[DancerEngineer]

So someone took me out to lunch today because I am leaving my job soon and going to another job so everyone wants to network with me before I leave.

I responded to her text about her gecko at lunch break today and said,

"awwn your gecko missed you last night. and i got taken out to lunch today."

 

Then she responds with,

"you are spoiled. haha

I'm feeling really drained today.

My friends dog also got put to sleep this morning."

 

My OCD brain will instantly make me think that she is drained about our relationship and she is telling me she is drained from me. That is my insecurities. But I guess it just means she feels tired and sick. I think it's right before her period, so maybe that is it.

 

I have no idea how much pushing and pulling I should be doing at this stage. I am thinking of just replying with,

"sorry to hear about the puppy.

Why are you feeling so drained?

Anything I can do to make you feel better?"

I just do not understand the balance between pursuing and letting her chase me at all.

And of course i would want to do anything I can to make her feel better.

[DancerEngineer]

So a friend told me she thinks that she is just "indecisive."

So tips on how to deal with girls who are indecisive? Play hard to get so they realize you are worth more and will want it more, right?

[Versacehottie]

I actually have an anxiety disorder. I am diagnosed with anxiety and OCD.

So my full blown anxiety and OCD with her not liking to make plans and everything be all spontaneous is making me always anxious. It's a side effect of my crazy engineering brain.

 

Yeah I caught that. I'm sorry. i don't think the way this girl interacts with you is going to help or be comfortable for you--at least not in the near future. Do you have a therapist? Someone you can talk to, like a professional? I do think that some uncertainty especially at the beginning of a relationship is normal so you need to have coping skills so YOU can make it through these moments to get the relationship you want. Right now, I think the majority of your effort should be going toward coming up with coping skills so you can date (including her) and both calm yourself and have best chance of success with the other person (as far as your anxiety or OCD might affect a budding relationship). To be honest, I don't think the current situation is doing you any good and rather than specifics on how to win this girl over, you need coping skills for yourself.

 

Even after a good date last night, you are only seeing the negative and are unsatisfied with the evening because it did not give you MORE. It's like a bottomless pit--as anxious people tend to do. Here is this girl, that on the spectrum of people, is toward the flakey and unreliable end and you are yearning for security and an answer to what you are to each other. You might just not be compatible. She is acting like someone who does not want to be tied down. Spontaneous, even in a bad way, dismissive, unreliable, etc. This will actually fuel MORE anxiety in you. AND THEN on top of all of it, you are relying on faux guru's advice blindly and misinterpreting all desperately seeking an answer. Putting yourself in a passive position is pretty much the worst thing you could do for anxiety-ridden types. You need to control yourself, yes--from jumping the gun or placing your anxious needs onto the other person but swinging all the way to the other end of acting passive isn't the answer either---not for your anxiety and not for getting the girl. Sorry. I really think you need to see your therapist & discuss current situation with him/her. You sound like a smart guy and since you are diagnosed you must have one, right?

[DancerEngineer]

Yeah I caught that. I'm sorry. i don't think the way this girl interacts with you is going to help or be comfortable for you--at least not in the near future. Do you have a therapist? Someone you can talk to, like a professional? I do think that some uncertainty especially at the beginning of a relationship is normal so you need to have coping skills so YOU can make it through these moments to get the relationship you want. Right now, I think the majority of your effort should be going toward coming up with coping skills so you can date (including her) and both calm yourself and have best chance of success with the other person (as far as your anxiety or OCD might affect a budding relationship). To be honest, I don't think the current situation is doing you any good and rather than specifics on how to win this girl over, you need coping skills for yourself.

 

Even after a good date last night, you are only seeing the negative and are unsatisfied with the evening because it did not give you MORE. It's like a bottomless pit--as anxious people tend to do. Here is this girl, that on the spectrum of people, is toward the flakey and unreliable end and you are yearning for security and an answer to what you are to each other. You might just not be compatible. She is acting like someone who does not want to be tied down. Spontaneous, even in a bad way, dismissive, unreliable, etc. This will actually fuel MORE anxiety in you. AND THEN on top of all of it, you are relying on faux guru's advice blindly and misinterpreting all desperately seeking an answer. Putting yourself in a passive position is pretty much the worst thing you could do for anxiety-ridden types. You need to control yourself, yes--from jumping the gun or placing your anxious needs onto the other person but swinging all the way to the other end of acting passive isn't the answer either---not for your anxiety and not for getting the girl. Sorry. I really think you need to see your therapist & discuss current situation with him/her. You sound like a smart guy and since you are diagnosed you must have one, right?

 

Thanks. You are so right. You get it. LOL

That is why i am starting to read coach Corey Waynes book, and and working on myself now. I grew up in the freaking library, and turned into an engineer. lol

So you think what I am doing is just finding ways to cope with the insecurity is best for me? What you think I should to from here to help this relationship survive and have a good out come. Because like before she even called me last night, I was being all insecure thinking she wasn't even going to call me, and then she calls me out to get dinner, and wants to see me. That is good. But I only see the negative because of insecurities.

I have both a psychiatrist and psychologist. I am working on getting help in coping with relationships.

 

What are you thoughts on how i should proceed with her from now? Just keep letting her contact me and turn those spontaneous hang outs into fun dates? Like I did the night I lost my virginity to her? It seems to be working at the moment.

[JuneL]

Hi OP:

 

You can text her back something light and cute to cheer her up. I personally wouldn't ask her what you can do to make her feel better (again, this is very passive and not manly).

 

You know what, here's my conjecture: I think the girl does like you (not sure to what extent though), but for sure she's not nearly as invested in you emotionally as you in her. I just can't shake this feeling that she may keep you around because you've been soooo useful to her: you trained her dancing every weekend for months; you bought her a pair of expensive (?) dance shoes even before starting dating her; you paid for almost all your dating expenses because she did not have money; you helped her set up her website; you helped her do errands at home...I don't know, if I were broke, I personally wouldn't initiate to have dinner fully expecting the guy to pay. It's a different story if the guy initiates and I gladly accept.

 

If I may ask: why are you so attracted to her? I mean, what traits specifically??

[DancerEngineer]

Hi OP:

 

You can text her back something light and cute to cheer her up. I personally wouldn't ask her what you can do to make her feel better (again, this is very passive and not manly).

 

You know what, here's my conjecture: I think the girl does like you (not sure to what extent though), but for sure she's not nearly as invested in you emotionally as you in her. I just can't shake this feeling that she may keep you around because you've been soooo useful to her: you trained her dancing every weekend for months; you bought her a pair of expensive (?) dance shoes even before starting dating her; you paid for almost all your dating expenses because she did not have money; you helped her set up her website; you helped her do errands at home...I don't know, if I were broke, I personally wouldn't initiate to have dinner fully expecting the guy to pay. It's a different story if the guy initiates and I gladly accept.

 

If I may ask: why are you so attracted to her? I mean, what traits specifically??

 

 

What should I say to her?? I need to text her soon. Simply just, "Awnn why you so drained?"

And why should I say this to her? Explain it to me what is manly and not passive?

What is the difference between passive and manly?

-------

Well she payed for the tip last night. She told me, i'll pay for the tip and I let her.

I have always wanted a girl in my life who likes to dance. One who I can have as my dance partner. I love it when married couples have dance as a hobby together. It is such a healthy hobby for couples to have and it keeps them strong.

It's also weird because I have kinda found out that even if we don't keep dancing, I am still attracted to her.

At first, I didn't like her much, but the more time I spent with her, the more I found we have in common and the more I enjoyed our time together. We also both have a very strong interest in human health and medicine which is kinda random and we both like talking about it.

 

Sometimes we can't explain why we like someone so much. We don't chose, we were programmed to be that way. Now at the moment I realize I enjoy her company a lot, and we have more in common than i thought. ...btw, we seem very sexually compatible too. LOL not that that is all there is to it. I just care a lot about her and miss her a lot.

 

She at first came off to me as kind of a loser, and a party girl, but the more I got to learn about her, I started seeing a talented and sweet girl underneath. I didn't think she was that smart either at first. lol But I recently learned that she had really good grades in middle school, and learning more about her has really started to get my heart attached. I don't know how to explain it in words.

I will say that I cherished every single hour I spent with her training her. She had such good work ethics and was so willing to learn our dance routine. I want to start a new dance routine with her or something, but she doesn't' seem interested in Swing. She likes Latin more which is fine with me. I love training her. I have actually dated other dance partners in the past who were a billion times better than her, but i felt the most connected to her. She just has a lot of potential. ****. Now I am getting emotional and I am starting to miss her. LOL Can't wait till i have my own place again. Stupid job change thingy. UGH!

Edited June 13, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[JuneL]

What should I say to her?? I need to text her soon. Simply just, "Awnn why you so drained?"

And why should I say this to her? Explain it to me what is manly and not passive?

 

I think being manly and not passive is to just go ahead and do something confidently, instead of asking her what you can/need to do.