Making a Relationship "LONG TERM"

[DancerEngineer]

I think being manly and not passive is to just go ahead and do something confidently, instead of asking her what you can/need to do.

 

Wait what? LOL

 

So then manly would just be, "Awn, why you feeling so down today?"

Just that?

[DancerEngineer]

I think being manly and not passive is to just go ahead and do something confidently, instead of asking her what you can/need to do.

 

Can you give me an example of something to say?

[JuneL]

Wait what? LOL

 

So then manly would just be, "Awn, why you feeling so down today?"

Just that?

 

Well, wasn't that your own sentence? I personally wouldn't even ask that myself.

 

I meant you just go ahead and do something to make her feel better, instead of asking what can I do to make you feel better!

[DancerEngineer]

I'm going to wait like 15 mins or something and see if i can get advice from you because I don't want to send the wrong thing, but as of now, It looks like the best thing I can send her is,

"Awwwn why you feeling so drained? "

[DancerEngineer]

Well, wasn't that your own sentence? I personally wouldn't even ask that myself.

 

I meant you just go ahead and do something to make her feel better, instead of asking what can I do to make you feel better!

 

Oh, so now you don't think I should ask that?

 

Then what should I say? i thought that was good because I was showing her I care by asking, but not saying, "what can i do to make you feel better?"

I was asking her why she felt down.

Can you give me an example of something to say? I'm so lost.

[JuneL]

Can you give me an example of something to say?

 

Sorry to hear that you're down today. Let me take you to the beach this Sat — I'm sure the sun will bring back your endorphins ;-)

[DancerEngineer]

Sorry to hear that you're down today. Let me take you to the beach this Sat — I'm sure the sun will bring back your endorphins ;-)

 

So can i even ask why she is down? Or just flat out say that? I get where you are coming from now. But the action of asking her why she is down. Is that ok?

[DancerEngineer]

The problem is that it seems like she likes to lead. Any time I try to lead, she gets all passive about it and wont give solid answers. All our hang outs are her randomly reaching out to me and me having to drop my **** for her if I am able to. That is why I had to turn her down twice last week.

So i don't know if this will back fire to tell her I'll take her out in the sun. She seems to hate making plans, and likes to just wing her entire life. That is her personality. I'm ok with that as long as it leads to us being together. it's just confusing on how to tackle this.

[jessiesgurl]

Can you give me an example of something to say?

 

Search youtube and send her a link to an uplifting song. Do you know what artists she likes, what type of music she listens to?

 

You'd be surprised how something as simple as that can bring a smile to a girl's face.

 

No words, just the song with maybe a after it.

 

I know you're an engineer, but try being a little creative here!

Edited June 14, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[DancerEngineer]

So I just said,

"Awnnn sorry about the doggy and that you are feeling really drained. I'll take you out to the beach or something this weekend to get you in the sun. I'm sure the sun will bring back your endorphins. :)"

 

Really hope she will let me take the dam freaking lead and let me be a freaking MAN! This is just her personality. She doesn't like planning anything at all.

[greymatter]

I hope, for your sake, that you can get to a point with her where you feel comfortable just being yourself. It is no fun to have to worry so much that you won't say the "just right" thing. Because all of us will, at times, have things come out wrong and if we are in a mutual, forgiving, relationship where most of the interactions are caring and good, it won't matter. You know?

Edited June 14, 2017 by greymatter

[DancerEngineer]

Well I think what is going to happen is that she just won't respond to that text and maybe text me something else completely unrelated. She just doesn't like making plans. I don't know why. I still havnt heard back from her.

 

Idk why, but she always just wants everything completely spontaneous and I guess that is just her personality.

What got me this far is to just lay back and let her reach out to me and do the pursuing.

 

Idk maybe I'll just stick to that depending on if she even responds to my last text about bringing her out.

 

I also need to work on my anxiety issues.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks. You are so right. You get it. LOL

That is why i am starting to read coach Corey Waynes book, and and working on myself now. I grew up in the freaking library, and turned into an engineer. lol

So you think what I am doing is just finding ways to cope with the insecurity is best for me? What you think I should to from here to help this relationship survive and have a good out come. Because like before she even called me last night, I was being all insecure thinking she wasn't even going to call me, and then she calls me out to get dinner, and wants to see me. That is good. But I only see the negative because of insecurities.

I have both a psychiatrist and psychologist. I am working on getting help in coping with relationships.

 

What are you thoughts on how i should proceed with her from now? Just keep letting her contact me and turn those spontaneous hang outs into fun dates? Like I did the night I lost my virginity to her? It seems to be working at the moment.

 

You sound sweet but maybe not very socialized (?). Is that right? Yes i think working with your psychologist on coping strategies maybe specific to dating and its uncertainty would be THE MOST helpful to you right now. Like an emergency session. It's fine to want to study CW or poll us here, but the "answer' for how you should proceed with her or any girl should mostly lie within you. Right now you seem less than 5% confident of any move you make, that's why being passive suits you. You are so afraid of making the wrong move that doing next to nothing is preferable. At the same time, it's making you miserable (and will probably continue to do so).

 

So my best recommendation is not further entrust your answers to CW, or even us here but to yourself. You may need a bit of a crutch to get you to that place where you feel better doing that which I think you should entrust to a professional to get a base sense of yourself, your standards, your worth, who you want to be in interactions with others. I know you are probably like that will take too long. I think you can get a "base" and turn on the part of your mind that is obsessing in a bad way to "consider" these other sides (good sides where you have worth, value and are not so scared).

 

I have no real further advice for what to do with her. My best rec is to take care of yourself. The real "answer" is there. If you can stabilize yourself, you will have a better chance with anyone you date. At the moment, I think you are getting yourself into unhealthy territory for yourself & you may have short-lived small successes with her but at a great cost to your psyche and self-esteem. You can do better for yourself. You need to take action for yourself and that can be private between you and your therapist so you are not so exposed and wavering between which decision to take. You can take small steps and incorporate little triumphs into your daily life right away and in your relationships, including with HOW your interact with her. Good luck

[DancerEngineer]

Thanks guys. I don't get it. She won't let me take the lead. I just got a response from her and it was completely irrelevant to my last text. I knew this would happen. Idk but she doesn't like setting dates with me, she just wants everything random and spontaneous with me and calls me in hopes I'll be free.

In response to my last text I sent her she simply just said, "oh I'm working on my back yard patio."

What the heck? Is this just the personality of some? I guess this is why coach Corey wayne advice is working so well in this case? If I send her a text about planning a date, she will avoid it. And then randomly call me at a random time to hang.

[DancerEngineer]

So the problem is that everyone thinks I should stop being so passive with her and try and take the lead as a MAN. I agree. But whenever I bring up any plans, she is so hesitant to make plans.

Now this clearly does not mean she doesn't like me and doesn't want to hang out with me.

Last week she reached out to me every day to try and meet up, but it was all random and spontaneous. Two times I had to tell her no because I was busy, but she just wont set plans. I don't get it. She wants to see me all the time, but she will never let me take the lead. Last night she called me out, and I just so happened to be free which is why we were able to get dinner.

So i have no idea if I should just keep going at it this way, or what?

it is working and it is moving us farther along to an official relationship, but it is all completely spontaneous.

[JuneL]

OP: Honestly the girl seems more impulsive (and may not know what she wants) than spontaneous. If she has the tendency of ignoring your text when you're trying to make plans, perhaps you want to set up the next date when you see her in person (e.g., when you had dinner Mon evening).

 

All the best!

[clia]

Has she explicitly told you that she is a spontaneous girl who doesn't like to make plans, or are you just assuming that based on her actions? Because I have to say, I find it incredibly rude behavior to ignore your text messages asking her out on a date, and I'm struggling a little to understand why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so rude. And her behavior is really bull. She was apparently able to commit to going to dance class, so there is no reason why she can't commit to a date with you once or twice a week.

 

It's fine to be spontaneous and to do things spontaneously if that's who you are. If she had responded to your texts and said "You know, I just don't like to plan things. Let's just see how the week goes," or something like that, I might feel differently. Instead she just ignores and avoids. I actually had to look back to see how old she is because a lot of her behavior seems very immature -- the living with parents, only working one day a week, the flakiness, the sweatshirt, needing company when she was cleaning her room -- this is teenager behavior, not 26 year old woman behavior.

 

As for what you should do, well, you are in a passive position in the relationship, letting her call all the shots. I wouldn't advise talking to her about her inability to accept a date in advance -- that won't get you anywhere. Instead, you need to show her through your actions that if she doesn't start planning in advance, then she doesn't get to see you. If nearly every time she asks you out at the last minute you can't go because you have a prior commitment, she will eventually get the hint that she needs to book you in advance. (Especially when you say "Sorry, I can't. I already have plans.") At this point, if she refuses to make a date with you in advance, I don't think you should agree to her last minute crap more than one time per week, if that. And stop asking her out -- you've now done it three times and she is still ignoring you. It's giving me second hand embarrassment.

 

I just feel like you need to pull back. You jump when she says jump, you tell her you cherish your time with her, it's just too much. She has the upper hand and she knows it. She knows she can call you at 8 pm at night and you will go out with her and buy her dinner. I would honestly even advise going on some casual dates with other women to help get your mind off of this (and to help keep you busy). This woman declined your request for a relationship and won't even accept a date with you. She told you she just wanted to be friends. Her actions do not indicate that you are even a priority to her. So, why are you wasting your time? You've put yourself in a position where you are tortuously awaiting every single text message from her, hoping she throws you a crumb. Why? This is not a good beginning to a relationship.

 

You should also go back and read Corey Wayne's book a few times. I think you need it -- you really are not following his advice.

[JuneL]

Though, to be fair, if she's not impulsive, she wouldn't suddenly want you to get a hotel room after that dinner to have sex with you.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks guys. I don't get it. She won't let me take the lead. I just got a response from her and it was completely irrelevant to my last text. I knew this would happen. Idk but she doesn't like setting dates with me, she just wants everything random and spontaneous with me and calls me in hopes I'll be free.

In response to my last text I sent her she simply just said, "oh I'm working on my back yard patio."

What the heck? Is this just the personality of some? I guess this is why coach Corey wayne advice is working so well in this case? If I send her a text about planning a date, she will avoid it. And then randomly call me at a random time to hang.

 

It is not working well. You have short-lived "success" with her but are actually not happy and the relationship is not balanced or moving forward.

 

She won't let you take the lead because:

*You both have already ESTABLISHED a pattern where she has the lead.

 

*You ACCEPT it when she does not answer your requests for a date but go when she asks at the last minute. If you want this to change, do not accept dates she proposes at the last minute.

 

*She may not be into you enough that it is not worth it to her to do stuff with you UNLESS it is on her terms, her timetable.

 

This is the problem with having been too PASSIVE. You now have no control, no say and no respect in this relationship.

[JuneL]

OP: Honestly the girl seems more impulsive (and may not know what she wants) than spontaneous. If she has the tendency of ignoring your text when you're trying to make plans, perhaps you want to set up the next date when you see her in person (e.g., when you had dinner Mon evening).

 

All the best!

 

You know what, when she texts you randomly this weekend wanting you to meet on a last minute notice again, tell her that you're out with friends and that you wanted to make plans with her for the weekend but she has completely ignored your text...

[clia]

A couple other thoughts...

 

She's very much acting like a woman who is either actively dating other men, or is interested in someone else. (I'm not saying she's not interested in you at all, just that you might not be number 1 on her list.) Sometimes when someone doesn't want to commit to a date, it means they are hoping someone else will ask them out for that date or agree to see them on that day. So, they leave it open as long as possible. It would make sense of why she's always doing last minute stuff with you -- the guy she wanted to see either didn't ask her out or declined her invitation to go out. If she only works one day a week, what is she doing all day? Is she in school?

 

The other thing is this Corey Wayne stuff. You can't take pieces of his advised text language, then add a bunch of your own stuff, and say you are following his advice. I haven't even read his book (just read some of his articles) and I can see you aren't following his advice. He would never advise you to accept the crumbs you are accepting here. You really need to try to understand the reason behind the advice and what you are really trying to achieve. I actually think his advice is good for you to follow. It reminds me of "The Rules" for men and seems based on a lot of the same concepts. But until you really understand why he is advising you to do or not do certain things, you aren't going to get there. It's not just about "say this" or "do that" -- there's a reason behind it, and until you can understand it, you will be floundering and asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet how to respond to a text message.

[clia]

You know what, when she texts you randomly this weekend wanting you to meet on a last minute notice again, tell her that you're out with friends and that you wanted to make plans with her for the weekend but she has completely ignored your text...

 

Better yet, send that text message the next day. Don't interrupt your night to respond to a last minute date.

[JuneL]

I never read/watch CW's stuff, but your dropping everything to jump at every piece of last-minute breadcrumb (whenever possible) has got to be a big violation of any single dating advice out there. Does it occur to you that this is 100x worse than not initiating text?

 

Note I added the caveat "whenever possible" because I know you are going to argue again that you had to turn her down a couple of times because you genuinely were not able to make it.

 

 

 

A couple other thoughts...

 

She's very much acting like a woman who is either actively dating other men, or is interested in someone else. (I'm not saying she's not interested in you at all, just that you might not be number 1 on her list.) Sometimes when someone doesn't want to commit to a date, it means they are hoping someone else will ask them out for that date or agree to see them on that day. So, they leave it open as long as possible. It would make sense of why she's always doing last minute stuff with you -- the guy she wanted to see either didn't ask her out or declined her invitation to go out. If she only works one day a week, what is she doing all day? Is she in school?

 

The other thing is this Corey Wayne stuff. You can't take pieces of his advised text language, then add a bunch of your own stuff, and say you are following his advice. I haven't even read his book (just read some of his articles) and I can see you aren't following his advice. He would never advise you to accept the crumbs you are accepting here. You really need to try to understand the reason behind the advice and what you are really trying to achieve. I actually think his advice is good for you to follow. It reminds me of "The Rules" for men and seems based on a lot of the same concepts. But until you really understand why he is advising you to do or not do certain things, you aren't going to get there. It's not just about "say this" or "do that" -- there's a reason behind it, and until you can understand it, you will be floundering and asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet how to respond to a text message.

[Versacehottie]

I never read/watch CW's stuff, but your dropping everything to jump at every piece of last-minute breadcrumb (whenever possible) has got to be a big violation of any single dating advice out there. Does it occur to you that this is 100x worse than not initiating text?

 

Note I added the caveat "whenever possible" because I know you are going to argue again that you had to turn her down a couple of times because you genuinely were not able to make it.

 

Um, amen.....

[Bastile]

I'm not sure in how many different ways I can tell you that you should be taking stock, and not latching yourself onto this girl.

 

I'll give you an example. If you followed the rotation that I mentioned back on page one, this girl wouldn't even cut it for being your #1 plate. She can't keep plans, she doesn't follow your lead, and she wouldn't be considered suitable for your weekend peak time.

 

When you get a woman who plays this silly game, you simply play along when convenient. You do not try to build some sort of all inclusive relationship with her. Or you do at great pains.

 

I honestly think that it'd be best if you spent some time playing the field without such stress and seriousness. This in order to gain some experience. Figure out who you are, and exactly what you want, before heading into your 30's and 40's to then perhaps settle down more seriously.