Making a Relationship "LONG TERM"

[DancerEngineer]

You know what, when she texts you randomly this weekend wanting you to meet on a last minute notice again, tell her that you're out with friends and that you wanted to make plans with her for the weekend but she has completely ignored your text...

Going to do this.

[DancerEngineer]

Has she explicitly told you that she is a spontaneous girl who doesn't like to make plans, or are you just assuming that based on her actions? Because I have to say, I find it incredibly rude behavior to ignore your text messages asking her out on a date, and I'm struggling a little to understand why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so rude. And her behavior is really bull. She was apparently able to commit to going to dance class, so there is no reason why she can't commit to a date with you once or twice a week.

 

It's fine to be spontaneous and to do things spontaneously if that's who you are. If she had responded to your texts and said "You know, I just don't like to plan things. Let's just see how the week goes," or something like that, I might feel differently. Instead she just ignores and avoids. I actually had to look back to see how old she is because a lot of her behavior seems very immature -- the living with parents, only working one day a week, the flakiness, the sweatshirt, needing company when she was cleaning her room -- this is teenager behavior, not 26 year old woman behavior.

 

As for what you should do, well, you are in a passive position in the relationship, letting her call all the shots. I wouldn't advise talking to her about her inability to accept a date in advance -- that won't get you anywhere. Instead, you need to show her through your actions that if she doesn't start planning in advance, then she doesn't get to see you. If nearly every time she asks you out at the last minute you can't go because you have a prior commitment, she will eventually get the hint that she needs to book you in advance. (Especially when you say "Sorry, I can't. I already have plans.") At this point, if she refuses to make a date with you in advance, I don't think you should agree to her last minute crap more than one time per week, if that. And stop asking her out -- you've now done it three times and she is still ignoring you. It's giving me second hand embarrassment.

 

I just feel like you need to pull back. You jump when she says jump, you tell her you cherish your time with her, it's just too much. She has the upper hand and she knows it. She knows she can call you at 8 pm at night and you will go out with her and buy her dinner. I would honestly even advise going on some casual dates with other women to help get your mind off of this (and to help keep you busy). This woman declined your request for a relationship and won't even accept a date with you. She told you she just wanted to be friends. Her actions do not indicate that you are even a priority to her. So, why are you wasting your time? You've put yourself in a position where you are tortuously awaiting every single text message from her, hoping she throws you a crumb. Why? This is not a good beginning to a relationship.

 

You should also go back and read Corey Wayne's book a few times. I think you need it -- you really are not following his advice.

 

I agree to all of this. But you have some of it mixed around.

I asked her for a relationship and got the just be friends speech after our first kiss. I jumped the gun and rushed ****. then scared her away. That was my fault. Then when I backed off, THEN she cam running back and THEN we started going on dates and then we started our 5 hours in bed sessions, and then she told me she loved me. I'm still waiting for her to bring up the relationship talk. Now it feels like we are in a relationship, but she never brought it up. I originally met her on bumble, and I could tell she was active because i could see her location constantly changing. But now I check her profile all the time to see if she is active, and it never changes anymore, so I can kinda tell she really isn't using bumble anymore which is a GOOD sign.

 

When i got dinner with her and called her out for not getting back to me on her schedule, she said, "sorry, and said she just didn't know. but we are hanging out right now, right? "

She does school. But her school is training, and she made the excuse that she might be meeting with one of her mentors on that Thursday night. So IDK. She also just didn't seem interested in that type of Dance. She likes Latin better than Swing. So I get it. But the next time she calls me, i'm going to say im out with a friend, and told her she should have told me she was free earlier. I'm getting sick of it.

------------

 

 

Last night she told me she was working on her back yard, and then called me to just random talk when she was getting ready for bed and the phone call lasted 40 mins while I was in bed and her getting ready for bed. She said the next time I stopped by her house she wanted me to help her with something on her porch.

Yes, It is very obvious, her love language is Acts of Service. I picked up on that the first week I met her. And she even admitted to it.

So maybe this week I will meet her and help her on her project. She is setting up a studio thingy in her back yard.

But then next week, I'll try and stay busy with others every night and see how she likes that.

[JuneL]

 

I asked her for a relationship and got the just be friends speech after our first kiss. I jumped the gun and rushed ****. then scared her away. That was my fault. Then when I backed off, THEN she cam running back and THEN we started going on dates [...]

 

 

I asked you a few pages back if you were trying to have a relationship with her even before you started dating, but you denied that???

 

 

She said the next time I stopped by her house she wanted me to help her with something on her porch.

Yes, It is very obvious, her love language is Acts of Service.

 

NO, YOU DON'T HELP HER WITH HER PORCH/STUDIO, PERIOD. You only see her on a real date out initiated by you. If I were you, I wouldn't even pick up the phone when she called, after she blatantly ignored your suggestion for a date!!!

 

Her love language is NOT acts of service. Has she EVER done you any acts of service, Mr. Orbiter?

 

And what stopped you from making concrete plan for a date when you saw her on Mon?

[JuneL]

Going to do this.

 

It's going to be completely futile even if you take clia's suggestion and say this the next day, after you've displayed another act of desperation by helping her with her porch.

 

I know you're a nice guy. but I'd tell you I'm busy and she should go ask the Gecko's daddy to help her with the porch!

Edited June 14, 2017 by JuneL

[DancerEngineer]

I asked you a few pages back if you were trying to have a relationship with her even before you started dating, but you denied that???

 

 

 

NO, YOU DON'T HELP HER WITH HER PORCH/STUDIO, PERIOD. You only see her on a real date out initiated by you. If I were you, I wouldn't even pick up the phone when she called, after she blatantly ignored your suggestion for a date!!!

 

Her love language is NOT acts of service. Has she EVER done you any acts of service, Mr. Orbiter?

 

And what stopped you from making concrete plan for a date when you saw her on Mon?

 

I don't recall denying that? Yes, I was too pushy in the past, and I scared her away, but I backed off and she came running back because she DID have feelings for me.

 

And yes, I very well know that is her love language. She dies when people help her with stuff. Like i once helped her set up this TV stand and she loved me to death after that. She asked me what my love language was and I told her it was word and touch. Then i told her I knew what her love language was, and it was acts of service and touch, and she confessed she liked it when people did things for her.

But that doesn't mean that is how she shows love. her love language going TO her is acts of service. I think she likes to touch others and spend quality time with them when she shows love. That is how i see it at least.

The way I interpret love is by words. I need that for my reassurance. But I think i like doing things for people to show them love and touch is probably my second.

 

I didn't think of making another date with her on Monday when I saw her. She told me before she left that she missed me and stuff. I think I was just confused and annoyed at how its hard to set DEFINITE dates with her and how its all random instead.

I guess I should have, but I thought coach Corey says to not set dates when you are on another date because it shows the women that you are weak and you have to set the date because this stuff doesn't' happen to you that often. Like if a guy is bringing up the next date when hanging out, the girl will think, "wow if he needs to set a date already, then he might not get dates that often."

Edited June 14, 2017 by DancerEngineer

[DancerEngineer]

It's going to be completely futile even if you take clia's suggestion and say this the next day, after you've displayed another act of desperation by helping her with her porch.

 

I know you're a nice guy. but I'd tell you I'm busy and she should go ask the Gecko's daddy to help her with the porch!

 

LOL What? sorry I such as sarcasm sometimes. Can you explain that a little more. But i think you are right she needs to see that she can't just randomly summon me whenever she wants. I'm a man and I have a life. That is why i turned her down twice last week. I'm still learning.

 

What do you mean it's going to be completely futile? For what suggestion?

 

 

BTW, I told her last night I would help her set up her porch. She has a certification in sports massage and therapy and stuff, and she is trying to get her studio set up.

I asked her when she is bringing out the table in the back, and she said next time I come over and I said I would help her with it.

maybe she is so stressed about **** in her life that getting her life under control and stuff like setting up her studio is all that she is thinking about which is why she is afraid to make plans.? idk.

She was once telling me how much she hated her job and hated being low on money and wanted a career instead of serving job she started to even cry a little.

So if I had to pick a super power, i guess it would be reading minds... -_-

[DancerEngineer]

She just randomly texted me and said some random thing said,

"so i was thinking I could also move the geckos cage outside in the garage so it can hang outside."

 

Its like she is texting me to start a conversation again? I don't even know why she had to tell me that.

[Versacehottie]

I don't recall denying that? Yes, I was too pushy in the past, and I scared her away, but I backed off and she came running back because she DID have feelings for me.

 

And yes, I very well know that is her love language. She dies when people help her with stuff. Like i once helped her set up this TV stand and she loved me to death after that. She asked me what my love language was and I told her it was word and touch. Then i told her I knew what her love language was, and it was acts of service and touch, and she confessed she liked it when people did things for her.

But that doesn't mean that is how she shows love. her love language going TO her is acts of service. I think she likes to touch others and spend quality time with them when she shows love. That is how i see it at least.

The way I interpret love is by words. I need that for my reassurance. But I think i like doing things for people to show them love and touch is probably my second.

 

I didn't think of making another date with her on Monday when I saw her. She told me before she left that she missed me and stuff. I think I was just confused and annoyed at how its hard to set DEFINITE dates with her and how its all random instead.

I guess I should have, but I thought coach Corey says to not set dates when you are on another date because it shows the women that you are weak and you have to set the date because this stuff doesn't' happen to you that often. Like if a guy is bringing up the next date when hanging out, the girl will think, "wow if he needs to set a date already, then he might not get dates that often."

 

I'm POSITIVE you are misconstruing what CW means!!! His advice may be not to set a date while on one because it makes you look weak (don't quite agree but fine whatever). The four other things you are doing: accepting last minute dates, letting her ignore you, doing errands for her like a little errand boy and letting her make all the decisions are convey a WEAKNESS that greatly outweighs whatever asking her for a date at the end of one would. So you are mistaken in both the way you take his advice & how you cherry pick which of it to use when.

 

Sigh:sick: ok the love language talk is killing me. Have you every thought in just a practical term that she only works one day a week at probably a low level job so that's why she "loves it if people help her". She's desperate for assistance & help. She can't pay anyone to do the stuff you do for her & you probably pay for the incidentals along the way. She is the type that give women a bad name for using guys for meals and stuff. She dangerously teetering on the edge of that. How someone with a practical mind, such as yours, cannot see that is unbelievable. I'll say it again: she "likes" your help because she "needs" your help. She is 100% self-serving and the sooner you wake up about that part and start serving yourself you will have better real luck with women.

[Versacehottie]

She just randomly texted me and said some random thing said,

"so i was thinking I could also move the geckos cage outside in the garage so it can hang outside."

 

Its like she is texting me to start a conversation again? I don't even know why she had to tell me that.

 

Ok I am surely not well versed on CW in his entirety....but doesn't he have some sayings or teachings where you don't want a woman to use you emotionally and tell you their sob stories. Treating you like a girlfriend and not a boyfriend & definitely not like someone she is down to impress. Trust me, you will be sitting there with your head spinning after all this consoling and support you give when she gives you the just friends speech again or jumps to a guy who actually makes her heart go pitter patter.

[JuneL]

Treating you like a girlfriend and not a boyfriend & definitely not like someone she is down to impress. Trust me, you will be sitting there with your head spinning after all this consoling and support you give when she gives you the just friends speech again or jumps to a guy who actually makes her heart go pitter patter.

 

That's exactly why I have thought it was outrageous you're cleaning her gecko's cage from day 1. Let me tell you a not-so-secret: when I am attracted to a guy, I simply won't ask him to do such errands for me during the early dating/courting stage because, like Versace said, it's not something to impress him.

[JuneL]

I'm POSITIVE you are misconstruing what CW means!!! His advice may be not to set a date while on one because it makes you look weak (don't quite agree but fine whatever). The four other things you are doing: accepting last minute dates, letting her ignore you, doing errands for her like a little errand boy and letting her make all the decisions are convey a WEAKNESS that greatly outweighs whatever asking her for a date at the end of one would. So you are mistaken in both the way you take his advice & how you cherry pick which of it to use when.

 

 

This is exactly what I meant by it's going to be futile, because the original intention of saying that you're out of friends this weekend is to convey to her that you have boundaries and that you are not needy; but all your other actions of desperation are going to greatly outweigh this.

[DancerEngineer]

I'm POSITIVE you are misconstruing what CW means!!! His advice may be not to set a date while on one because it makes you look weak (don't quite agree but fine whatever). The four other things you are doing: accepting last minute dates, letting her ignore you, doing errands for her like a little errand boy and letting her make all the decisions are convey a WEAKNESS that greatly outweighs whatever asking her for a date at the end of one would. So you are mistaken in both the way you take his advice & how you cherry pick which of it to use when.

 

Sigh:sick: ok the love language talk is killing me. Have you every thought in just a practical term that she only works one day a week at probably a low level job so that's why she "loves it if people help her". She's desperate for assistance & help. She can't pay anyone to do the stuff you do for her & you probably pay for the incidentals along the way. She is the type that give women a bad name for using guys for meals and stuff. She dangerously teetering on the edge of that. How someone with a practical mind, such as yours, cannot see that is unbelievable. I'll say it again: she "likes" your help because she "needs" your help. She is 100% self-serving and the sooner you wake up about that part and start serving yourself you will have better real luck with women.

 

I agree thanks for your input, but at times she calls me up and once randomly just said, "what you up to tonight? let me knwo if you wanna go for a drive? ;)"

Which was drive out and have sex. She didn't even want me to do anything for her that night. She wanted to plan something and maybe do a game of pool or something she said. But when I got to her house, I told her we didn't have to do anything. I actually enjoyed simply just spending time with her and listening to her. She melted when I said that. So that was the night after I lost my virginity to her she called me over. it turned out to her being stressed and me telling her to just clean her room and I would just listen to her, and I gave her a massage on her bed till she felt sleepy. And when I walked out to my car, she walked out with me and pushed me into my car and started making out with me.

So that night was the opposite of her just wanting to use me to do stuff for her. She randomly and spontaneously asked me to hang out and shoot pool and go for a drive. But I guess I turned it into something else for her because I felt she was too stressed out and needed to relax.

[DancerEngineer]

Ok I am surely not well versed on CW in his entirety....but doesn't he have some sayings or teachings where you don't want a woman to use you emotionally and tell you their sob stories. Treating you like a girlfriend and not a boyfriend & definitely not like someone she is down to impress. Trust me, you will be sitting there with your head spinning after all this consoling and support you give when she gives you the just friends speech again or jumps to a guy who actually makes her heart go pitter patter.

 

What should I say to her then? Can you elaborate?

[DancerEngineer]

That's exactly why I have thought it was outrageous you're cleaning her gecko's cage from day 1. Let me tell you a not-so-secret: when I am attracted to a guy, I simply won't ask him to do such errands for me during the early dating/courting stage because, like Versace said, it's not something to impress him.

 

Well this wasn't day 1, this was just this past weekend.

Our first official date was getting red Robin and cuddling in the back of my car.

[DancerEngineer]

That's exactly why I have thought it was outrageous you're cleaning her gecko's cage from day 1. Let me tell you a not-so-secret: when I am attracted to a guy, I simply won't ask him to do such errands for me during the early dating/courting stage because, like Versace said, it's not something to impress him.

 

This is exactly what I meant by it's going to be futile, because the original intention of saying that you're out of friends this weekend is to convey to her that you have boundaries and that you are not needy; but all your other actions of desperation are going to greatly outweigh this.

 

So you agree that next time she ask me to hang I should say I am out with friends? I am confused what you think I should do?

And what i should even say to her response.

[Versacehottie]

I agree thanks for your input, but at times she calls me up and once randomly just said, "what you up to tonight? let me knwo if you wanna go for a drive? ;)"

Which was drive out and have sex. She didn't even want me to do anything for her that night. She wanted to plan something and maybe do a game of pool or something she said. But when I got to her house, I told her we didn't have to do anything. I actually enjoyed simply just spending time with her and listening to her. She melted when I said that. So that was the night after I lost my virginity to her she called me over. it turned out to her being stressed and me telling her to just clean her room and I would just listen to her, and I gave her a massage on her bed till she felt sleepy. And when I walked out to my car, she walked out with me and pushed me into my car and started making out with me.

So that night was the opposite of her just wanting to use me to do stuff for her. She randomly and spontaneously asked me to hang out and shoot pool and go for a drive. But I guess I turned it into something else for her because I felt she was too stressed out and needed to relax.

 

I bolded all the areas where you are being extremely weak. Honestly you don't even need CW to decipher it for you!!! I just did. That is some pretty weak sh*t, my friend--in light of what you are to each other & how she treats you. I'm not putting all the blame on her. You've done this to yourself as well and she sees it and is manipulating or taking advantage of it.

 

The way you are defending this situation is not good. It sounds like you are hung up on one particular night. The key for me is that you keep looking for other positive signs and ignore the bad signs. There are both in your story. More bad than good and progressively not great. I realize if it is the night you lost your virginity that it's meaningful for you in a big way. You gotta keep things in perspective and see the totality of what is going on though and what patterns are becoming habit and how that will affect you and make you happy or unhappy.

[Versacehottie]

What should I say to her then? Can you elaborate?

 

You keep wanting a script. I'm sure that's why you are reliant on CW or other teachings. I'm here telling you that it's mostly too far gone. there is a pattern set up that will be difficult to change. She is dominant and decider and willful and you just run with whatever she decides. I gave you (many times!) as did others a different vibe or solution that you need to inject to take the lead become more macho (sorry). It's bigger picture than the perfect sentence. And I think already too late--case in point, she IGNORES your requests for a date.

 

I also think you should be busy when she wants to get together spontaneously. She's jerking you around like you are on a chain. It's cringe-worthy

[DancerEngineer]

Accepting last minute dates: I turned down two last week which was good. I will be more firm with my schedule and keep this in mind.

 

Letting her ignore you: She ignored me and said because she didn't know her schedule, which I get. Because she has mentors and those are set up ranomly, but yes, i agree she needs to be more firm with me and not ignore me and tell me straight up if she doesn't' know. How should I go about this?

 

 

Doing errands for her like a little errand boy: I should stop that. Got it. So should I not help her set up her studio in her back yard this weekend? Or still do that as long as we hang out and do something else that a couple would do?

 

Letting her make all the decisions: I agree. But I did turn down two of her invitations which I am glad i did.

 

 

---------

I kinda brought this up with her a little in the car, and she kinda said, "well you don't have much going on after work?"

I don't remember the conversation. But i ended it and told her I was simply happy to spend time with her. I think she was PMSing. Yes, i am tracking her period on an android application.

 

So with that being said.

Where should i go from here?

At the current moment we have zero plans. She knows I am going to my swing class Thursday after work and she knows she is invited, but hasn't told me anything about that class. I am still going if she doesn't want to come along.

 

How should I respond to her in making plans? From here, I am clueless on what to do next.

[DancerEngineer]

I bolded all the areas where you are being extremely weak. Honestly you don't even need CW to decipher it for you!!! I just did. That is some pretty weak sh*t, my friend--in light of what you are to each other & how she treats you. I'm not putting all the blame on her. You've done this to yourself as well and she sees it and is manipulating or taking advantage of it.

 

The way you are defending this situation is not good. It sounds like you are hung up on one particular night. The key for me is that you keep looking for other positive signs and ignore the bad signs. There are both in your story. More bad than good and progressively not great. I realize if it is the night you lost your virginity that it's meaningful for you in a big way. You gotta keep things in perspective and see the totality of what is going on though and what patterns are becoming habit and how that will affect you and make you happy or unhappy.

 

This night i described was the day after I dropped her off at her house. So basically 2 nights after we had sex.

[JuneL]

Well this wasn't day 1, this was just this past weekend.

Our first official date was getting red Robin and cuddling in the back of my car.

 

OP: Are you trying to be cute?

When I said from day 1, I meant from the time I read that piece of info.

[JuneL]

So you agree that next time she ask me to hang I should say I am out with friends? I am confused what you think I should do?

And what i should even say to her response.

 

I meant saying this is effective ONLY if your other actions are consistent. So don't be her orbiter!!!

[DancerEngineer]

You keep wanting a script. I'm sure that's why you are reliant on CW or other teachings. I'm here telling you that it's mostly too far gone. there is a pattern set up that will be difficult to change. She is dominant and decider and willful and you just run with whatever she decides. I gave you (many times!) as did others a different vibe or solution that you need to inject to take the lead become more macho (sorry). It's bigger picture than the perfect sentence. And I think already too late--case in point, she IGNORES your requests for a date.

 

I also think you should be busy when she wants to get together spontaneously. She's jerking you around like you are on a chain. It's cringe-worthy

 

You make a very good point. I agree. Thanks for all of this.

 

 

So from here on out, I should make my own schedule, and when she ask me to hang, tell her I am busy and tell her she should have told me her schedule when i asked. and try and make a counter offer with her at the time.

 

My friend said she is going this to me because she is playing hard to get.

So a little background to get this more clear.

We have had two different 5 hour sessions in bed before we had sex. Which consisted of making out, cuddling, and fingering, and jerking off.

Before out first 5 hours session, she was blowing up my phone like crazy in the middle of the night and asked me to stop by, but i was in LA. Then I told her I would see her Monday which was memorial day. And she said, "IDK!"

Then i said, "Why don't you know? "

She said, "Well i' sure it would work out, but i dont know what is going to happen that day."

so I said, "ok w/e, I need to go back to sleep, i'll let you know when im back from LA"

So right there I tried making plans with her, and she was hesitant to say 100 percent yes. it was a 90 percent yes.

But what happened is that Monday she invited me to a picnic and she had it all planned out that we would go to a picnic and then back to her house where we would have that 5 hour session in her bed.

 

So my friend said she was playing hard to get, and wanted to call the shots because she wanted to turn that day into something special and make it her way.

 

Now that I think of it, When I did turn her offers down last week, i DID tell her I was going to drop by on Friday, and she accepted. So she did accept me coming over Friday. So i guess she doesn't turn down all my dates.

[DancerEngineer]

So with that being said,

I need to stop being so available for her. Got it.

And try and get her to make more definite plans. Got

 

Thoughts on how I should go about getting back to her after i get off work responding to her text? yes, i am at work in my cubical on this forum. FML.

 

She simply just text me this little text that said,"oh i think i should move the geckos cage to the garage."

 

i need a good way to start changing things around before they get out of control.

[JuneL]

Accepting last minute dates: I turned down two last week which was good. I will be more firm with my schedule and keep this in mind.

 

Letting her ignore you: She ignored me and said because she didn't know her schedule, which I get. Because she has mentors and those are set up ranomly, but yes, i agree she needs to be more firm with me and not ignore me and tell me straight up if she doesn't' know. How should I go about this?

 

 

Doing errands for her like a little errand boy: I should stop that. Got it. So should I not help her set up her studio in her back yard this weekend? Or still do that as long as we hang out and do something else that a couple would do?

 

Letting her make all the decisions: I agree. But I did turn down two of her invitations which I am glad i did.

 

 

OP: Did you not see that I had preempted this excuse of you in post #148!

[DancerEngineer]

OP: Did you not see that I had preempted this excuse of you in post #148!

 

Yes, i saw. lol I was just laying out that post again so it was easier to see and convey. I get it. sorry you have to excuse my crazy engineer brain.

 

I am just now trying to figure out where I should move from here. What is my next step.