is it called cheating ? or is just me ?

[blue19]

Ok , so I want to make this quick .

in my previous thread's I was in a bad relationship that finally ended last year . I started dating again and its been new for me because the new guy is from another country/culture Im Latina and he is from Poland .

 

 

Things were good until I saw few messages from woman in his phone , he is a musician so he is always surrounded by women and "models"

 

 

He admitted to my face that he has a flirty character and that he is always with people . I was upset about the messages and gave him another chance , we live two hours apart so to see each other I go to his place on the weekends and he comes to my place during the week

 

 

But Last Monday we were supposed to talk after the rehearsal after 10 PM he called me at 8 something but honestly I didn't return the call because I thought he was practicing so I called 10:15 and nothing 10:45 and nothing 11:20 AND NOTHING so after few texts and several calls I knew something was on . He didn't know I had his friend number so I called him and to my surprise there was noise music and women's voices in the back

I asked his friend is Marc with you ? and he didn't know what to say and I asked again , this time upset and he said he just left callback in 10 .

obviously I didn't call him but my last text was " I know you are with Ricky

and I know you are in a party with women because I heard everything "

 

 

Next day he was calling me every 20 min facetime , phonecalls ,texts so at 7 pm I decided to reply and his excuse was that he was angry because I didn't return his call and I ask him why you didn't call me when Ricky told you I was calling him ? and he said because I didn't feel like it !!! just like that I also confronted him and ask him who was there and he said that the party was at his house with friends and a Hannah a person who I also know but turns out she has feelings to him because they play together .

 

 

He says that he told Hannah he is with me and that we are engaged because she told him she loves him, by this point of the conversation I was extremely upset , now technology with iPhone and other phones allows you to know when someone READS your messages , well this guy changed the settings of his phone so he was actually reading my messages and he knew I was calling him but decided to ignore me .

 

 

He told me not to break up with him , that he was upset and he didn't want me to know that Hannah was there , because I told him previously that I don't want to see him with her and not to invite her to his place , besides is in it extremely suspicious to do that ? is that enough reason to ignore someone ?

 

 

So now I don't trust him , I like him I have feelings for him but the fact that he intentionally decided to hurt me and make me upset by bringing someone I know has feelings for him to his place , and just because he didn't feel like answering or returning my calls . and take the time and go to his phone and take the time to change the settings of his phone its wrong

 

 

i saw last month messages from woman in his phone and he said it was nothing from that point i feel insecure and im becoming a detective searching for the smallest thing .

 

 

He SAIS THAT BECAUSE OF HIS POLISH CULTURE he drinks and party every weekend that since that he is a musician his always with people around .

 

 

Any advice at this point is welcome . do i stay and give him another chance or run away ?

[d0nnivain]

The drinking partying & being a musician does not automatically make him unfaithful. You do have to have a thick skin & great self confidence to deal with the women who throw themselves at musicians if you date one. Lying to you & blowing you off is a big problem however,

 

 

If you want to save this have a come to Jesus meeting with him. Explain why what he did was wrong & that it can't happen again. If he happens again you have to walk. If he won't reassure you that he's genuinely remorseful. drop him.

 

 

I'm a bit concerned that you are moving fast. You haven't even been together 1 year yet he told some other woman you are his fiancée . The seems awfully quick on your part to be engaged.

[blue19]

No we are not engaged but he says he told that to Hannah because she was allover the place with him . But he constantly talks about us having a formal relationship that he sees me as his wife and that he would love to have a kid with me .

[blue19]

The drinking partying & being a musician does not automatically make him unfaithful. You do have to have a thick skin & great self confidence to deal with the women who throw themselves at musicians if you date one. Lying to you & blowing you off is a big problem however,

 

 

If you want to save this have a come to Jesus meeting with him. Explain why what he did was wrong & that it can't happen again. If he happens again you have to walk. If he won't reassure you that he's genuinely remorseful. drop him.

 

 

I'm a bit concerned that you are moving fast. You haven't even been together 1 year yet he told some other woman you are his fiancée . The seems awfully quick on your part to be engaged.

 

 

My blood boils seriously ever time I think he intentionally did all that , he was calling and calling like 18 calls yesterday

[Gaeta]

Ok , so I want to make this quick .

in my previous thread's I was in a bad relationship that finally ended last year . I started dating again and its been new for me because the new guy is from another country/culture Im Latina and he is from Poland .

 

 

Things were good until I saw few messages from woman in his phone , he is a musician so he is always surrounded by women and "models"

 

 

* You were in a bad relationship and to make things better for yourself this time around you pick to date a musician that admits to be flirtatious. How is that working in your favor?

 

* If I met a man and he admitted to me he's surrounded with beautiful women and he has a flirtatious personality I'd reply: it was nice meeting you and I wish you the best, good bye.

 

* When you call around 18 times looking for your boyfriend, when you trick him to find him, it's because the relationship isn't working.

[blue19]

* You were in a bad relationship and to make things better for yourself this time around you pick to date a musician that admits to be flirtatious. How is that working in your favor?

 

* If I met a man and he admitted to me he's surrounded with beautiful women and he has a flirtatious personality I'd reply: it was nice meeting you and I wish you the best, good bye.

 

* When you call around 18 times looking for your boyfriend, when you trick him to find him, it's because the relationship isn't working.

 

i didn't call him 18 times , i know it does not matter how many times i called but the fact that i called his friend is wrong i know .

[Gaeta]

i didn't call him 18 times , i know it does not matter how many times i called but the fact that i called his friend is wrong i know .

 

 

Don't date men that make you feel jealous.

 

Don't date men admitting to being flirtatious.

 

Don't date men who are surrounded by beautiful women and party all the time.

 

This relationship is making you do crazy things like calling him several times in a row and chasing him down through his friends.

 

This is not the dynamic of a good relationship

[Bastile]

It's all just excuses

 

Two of my cousins are in a band that are very popular in the area where I live. Both have stunning girlfriends, and lots of girls who are interested. But they are so owned by their girlfriends that it's not even funny. There's no way they are messing around with any women, despite the easy options, because they are loved up.

 

So there goes the "musician" excuse.

 

As for being Polish, I've dated a decent amount of Polish women, and hung around with their circles. Polish people aren't any more inclined to party than anyone else.

 

There goes the "Polish" excuse.

 

The guy just has crappy boundaries. And people with crappy boundaries don't make for good boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

You suffer, because you are trying to make him something that he's not.

[Zahara]

OP, I read your past thread. I am not sure why you would consider getting into a relationship such as this one when it's evident that much of it is only going to fuel more insecurities.

 

You seem to gravitate to situations that aren't healthy for you.

 

When you have to go through all this, it's a sign to you that this isn't the right relationship for you.

[blue19]

OP, I read your past thread. I am not sure why you would consider getting into a relationship such as this one when it's evident that much of it is only going to fuel more insecurities.

 

You seem to gravitate to situations that aren't healthy for you.

 

When you have to go through all this, it's a sign to you that this isn't the right relationship for you.

 

I keep thinking about it , and the more I think the more angry I get .

I don't feel comfortable , I know I have insecurity issues I've been cheated before and its hard to trust after this situations

[Zahara]

I keep thinking about it , and the more I think the more angry I get .

I don't feel comfortable , I know I have insecurity issues I've been cheated before and its hard to trust after this situations

 

I understand the difficulty of trusting again but this situation is giving you signs that it is not healthy for you. When you start seeing red flags, get out.

 

You made the mistake of staying in a bad situation for far too long the last time. Learn from that, figure out what you really want in a relationship/partner, and don't settle for anything less.

[blue19]

I understand the difficulty of trusting again but this situation is giving you signs that it is not healthy for you. When you start seeing red flags, get out.

 

You made the mistake of staying in a bad situation for far too long the last time. Learn from that, figure out what you really want in a relationship/partner, and don't settle for anything less.

 

Would you considered have a conversation with him ? to work things out ?

or just to walk away ?

[Zahara]

Would you considered have a conversation with him ? to work things out ?

or just to walk away ?

 

I would just walk away. I've dated musicians and it can be a challenge. But that aside, the whole situation reeks of dysfunction.

 

I promise you that when you are with someone that is on the same page as you are on, it will be effortless. This is not the makings of a good relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Would you considered have a conversation with him ? to work things out ?

or just to walk away ?

 

 

It depends. He's a musician. There will always be partying & groupies. Can you handle that? It doesn't sound like you can.

 

 

If you can't deal with the stuff that comes with the territory, just walk away.

 

 

He did blow up your phone -- 18 times -- upon being caught. So he apparently wants the chance to make this work. If and only if you can handle the partying & the groupies, hear him out. If he's truly sorry for ignoring you, promises never to do it again & actually behaves honorably going forward there maybe some potential here.

 

 

Unfortunately I suspect he's just sorry he got caught & he'll be better about covering his tracks next time. It wouldn't have too tough for him to call you from a quiet place, away from the party noise, lie to you about where he was which you would have accepted & then go back to the party with you being happy at home none the wiser about his antics.

[blue19]

It depends. He's a musician. There will always be partying & groupies. Can you handle that? It doesn't sound like you can.

 

 

If you can't deal with the stuff that comes with the territory, just walk away.

 

 

He did blow up your phone -- 18 times -- upon being caught. So he apparently wants the chance to make this work. If and only if you can handle the partying & the groupies, hear him out. If he's truly sorry for ignoring you, promises never to do it again & actually behaves honorably going forward there maybe some potential here.

 

 

Unfortunately I suspect he's just sorry he got caught & he'll be better about covering his tracks next time. It wouldn't have too tough for him to call you from a quiet place, away from the party noise, lie to you about where he was which you would have accepted & then go back to the party with you being happy at home none the wiser about his antics.

 

 

As i posted before we live two hours apart , he texted me and said he was coming tonight so we can talk . i want to hear him and i want to say all these things you and other users are telling me .

 

 

i need to take it out of my chest , i need him to realize that this behavior is not normal and not healthy for a relationship

[preraph]

It's because he's a working musician. I was part of that crowd for decades. Even a local gigging musician has lots of women after them and I never met one who didn't take full advantage of their situation and sleep around and also cheat if they had any commitment, and the rule seems to be a bj is not sex if you're a musician.

 

He's partying and if you have a commitment, then he is cheating. If you do not have a commitment, then he isn't cheating. And you should know that his bandmates will cover up for him and lie for him or whatever. The guys I knew, the band was higher priority than their wives or women. You can tell when you're out when the rest of the band starts avoiding you.

[d0nnivain]

As i posted before we live two hours apart , he texted me and said he was coming tonight so we can talk . i want to hear him and i want to say all these things you and other users are telling me .

 

 

i need to take it out of my chest , i need him to realize that this behavior is not normal and not healthy for a relationship

 

 

His never going to realize that. For him partying with the band is the NORMAL he wants.

 

 

Re-read preraph's last post. She lived in that world & is telling you like it is.

 

 

This guy is not going to be the guy you want. He's going to tell you he is but his actions will still be the party boy musician. He wants you to accept his version of normal with the groupies & the partying. Some people can deal with that lifestyle.

[Prowe]

I'm not really sure about this but, it sounds like a lot for such a short relationship, it sounds like youre ready to have kids and get married with someone whereas, he just wants to date for a couple of years.

 

Secondly, i dont think meeting face to face with someone is always best, 9/10 they tell you what you want to hear and it will be back to square one.

[elaine567]

You say you have been mauled before so why on earth would you hang about outside the tiger's den?

 

Plenty other men around, so why choose one that is bound to cheat on you?

[d0nnivain]

Secondly, i dont think meeting face to face with someone is always best, 9/10 they tell you what you want to hear and it will be back to square one.

 

 

I disagree. You need to have important emotional discussions face to face so you can see the other person's body language. They will definitely text you what you want to hear. The only way to know if it's a snow job is to look in their eyes.

[blue19]

It's because he's a working musician. I was part of that crowd for decades. Even a local gigging musician has lots of women after them and I never met one who didn't take full advantage of their situation and sleep around and also cheat if they had any commitment, and the rule seems to be a bj is not sex if you're a musician.

 

He's partying and if you have a commitment, then he is cheating. If you do not have a commitment, then he isn't cheating. And you should know that his bandmates will cover up for him and lie for him or whatever. The guys I knew, the band was higher priority than their wives or women. You can tell when you're out when the rest of the band starts avoiding you.

 

He asked me officially to be his girlfriend and also his family lives in Poland and his mother calls me via facetime and his sister too . at this point he gave me the key of his house and constantly talks about us being together as a marriage so yeah i guess we were serous at that time

[blue19]

I'm not really sure about this but, it sounds like a lot for such a short relationship, it sounds like youre ready to have kids and get married with someone whereas, he just wants to date for a couple of years.

 

Secondly, i dont think meeting face to face with someone is always best, 9/10 they tell you what you want to hear and it will be back to square one.

 

He is the one who always starts the conversation about being married after visiting Poland in October / September

 

 

Two weeks ago we went for the last time to look for houses because he wants to buy a house near me and constantly makes plans with me in future

[blue19]

I disagree. You need to have important emotional discussions face to face so you can see the other person's body language. They will definitely text you what you want to hear. The only way to know if it's a snow job is to look in their eyes.

 

 

 

Part of me wants to talk to him face to face , he said he was coming tonight so lets wait ..

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter if he is or not....it's his lifestyle is what makes you uncomfortable. You can't change what it is...incompatibility. He's not the guy for you.

[preraph]

He asked me officially to be his girlfriend and also his family lives in Poland and his mother calls me via facetime and his sister too . at this point he gave me the key of his house and constantly talks about us being together as a marriage so yeah i guess we were serous at that time

 

Yes, and maybe you are his main most valued woman, but for musicians, it is rare you are their only one. They will take the gratuitous sex. And it is generally bad form for a gigging musician to always have his woman at gigs or to be acting taken, because it can actually discourage fans. So if he's at all serious about a career, this fact will emerge. And it is true, but it is also a very convenient truth for them....

 

You just need to know him long enough to find out what he's really doing. Honestly, even the married musicians I was around got sex on the road and also at least had emotional affairs. They don't count getting a bj as cheating. It's just the way it is. I mean, as soon as you caught him, he tried to blame it on YOU, so just realize that lies are a real problem, no matter if he's cheated or not. He's going to be partying and he's going to have women around if he's even a little bit attractive and in a band.

 

You have to realize that a whole lot of guys become musicians specifically so they can get girls like this, yes, even the ones who are serious about the music.

 

Listen, I love musicians. They're my favorite people to be around. But I was never once foolhardy enough to think one would make a good husband. I was enough like them that I could go along with the lifestyle and just not do commitment. And you'll be better positioned if you too are in a position of having a lot of admirers so it evens the playing field a little. You see a lot of strippers and actresses with musicians, and I think this is why.

 

And with very rare exceptions, it's not just the women that are a problem. Musicians have that artistic brain that isn't much good for practical things like taking care of a household or handling money, seriously. There are exceptions, but it's a left brain/right brain thing.

Edited June 7, 2017 by preraph