sarahssarah Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I have a thread on this site in the separation/divorce section... Long story short.. my husband left me & i found out he was living with another person He has came back to me twice.. the last time, I caught him hanging out with the girl. He has so many lies. Theyre not together..blah blah... My thing is, I still tell him that I'm willing to work things out with him.. we have a family and many many years together. BUT he needs to come clean & really show that he is serious. Give proof that he is trying to be honest & TAKE RESPONSIBILITY... So now We have argued a few times.. the last time he called me a bad name & i retaliated. Everytime I retaliate, he feels the need to call me out on what I did.. it's like he FORGETS everything he has done to me.. He does NOT understand.. just two weeks ago he told me how he made mistakes & doesnt want to risk us. then he goes back to being manipulative.. Bringing up my faults and what I said to him... & im always like "Has it ever dawned on you..that im saying these things based on how YOU act & what YOU say to ME?" I know I did not give many details.. but how can I cope with someone who behaves this way? I feel like there is always hope for a person.. but at this point im letting him go and moving on. How can I cope with someone who plays victim, lies & barely even seem to recognize what they do (when playing victim) Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Why exactly do you want to work things out with him? You can't have a healthy relationship with somebody like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarahssarah Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) Why exactly do you want to work things out with him? You can't have a healthy relationship with somebody like this. because I believe that good people do bad things & they can change im willing to forgive him if things with him did change & he got help for himself. one thing about Loveshack.org is a lot of people here act like relationships & people are so black & white. Not everything is black & white. & im not saying that I will continue to be with him..but we do have a child together & we are still married.. So I still have to deal with his stupidity. I guess the best way is to do No contact or very limited contact just answered my own question. Edited June 7, 2017 by sarahssarah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Okay, you're at that spot where "hope" is still a very powerful emotion. Yes, not everything is black and white. But, patterns are patterns and they very rarely if ever change. The only way to deal with a manipulator or liar is completely counter-intuitive to what you want to do. You want him to realize the mistakes but I guarantee you he never will if you go combative with him. Raw emotion with a manipulator is shooting fish in a barrel to them. They have already planned out their next path of execution before the words even leave your mouth. Simply put, you need to ignore him. Shove silence right down his throat. There is no path a manipulator can take with that. They will try even harder, but if you just stay silent they have to look at themselves. It is then, and only then that you can reach the core of that type of person. If at that time he realizes what is really happening make your decision then. If he never gets to that point, it is no loss on your part and you can move forward on different paths. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 because I believe that good people do bad things & they can change im willing to forgive him if things with him did change & he got help for himself. Sarah, yes people can change - but they need to WANT to change. He doesn't want to change, so it's not going to happen. Also, the scope of the changes are akin to him having a personality transplant. You're not wanting him to tweak a few things, you're wanting him to be pretty much a different person. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 The thing is, people don't change. They merely unfold and reveal who they truly are over time. Even if he wanted to change, it would most likely take years to re-wire his f*cked up brain to be able to have a healthy relationship with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 sarahssarah, here's an well-used quote; "People don't change - you only get to know them better " Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarahssarah Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) Okay, you're at that spot where "hope" is still a very powerful emotion. Yes, not everything is black and white. But, patterns are patterns and they very rarely if ever change. The only way to deal with a manipulator or liar is completely counter-intuitive to what you want to do. You want him to realize the mistakes but I guarantee you he never will if you go combative with him. Raw emotion with a manipulator is shooting fish in a barrel to them. They have already planned out their next path of execution before the words even leave your mouth. Simply put, you need to ignore him. Shove silence right down his throat. There is no path a manipulator can take with that. They will try even harder, but if you just stay silent they have to look at themselves. It is then, and only then that you can reach the core of that type of person. If at that time he realizes what is really happening make your decision then. If he never gets to that point, it is no loss on your part and you can move forward on different paths. ***My main question is.. how do i react to someone like him.. Im pretty sure he's going to start questioning me about things im doing.. "Where are you going?".. "What did you do.." .. "whyd you delete me off of facebook" ... Just DUMB questions that he has NO RIGHT to ask. Seeing as how he is the one that has screwed up everything. How do i react to the lies & just EVERYTHING..in a better way than I have so far.. to protect myself. && Yes I do still have a glimmer of hope, but I think that can only fade with time.. I can't just wake up and be like "Hey ! Today I have no hope!" LOL I really wish I could do that but I can't.. I think that will only happen if I let go of the relationship and give it time (No contact.. like you stated) I unfollowed him from social media .. I told everyone i know to stop mentioning if they saw him with the OW.. I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to talk to him about relationships or his lies. I just dont understand how someone can lie to cover up things that are obvious...or play the victim one minute & then the next minute they claim to be trying to fix things. I'm not about to be played like a toy anymore. If he ever wanted to be in a relationship again he would have to move mountains. I'm so sick of being hurt..So I have nothing else to say to him at this point. Edited June 8, 2017 by sarahssarah Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 because I believe that good people do bad things & they can change im willing to forgive him if things with him did change & he got help for himself. one thing about Loveshack.org is a lot of people here act like relationships & people are so black & white. Not everything is black & white. & im not saying that I will continue to be with him..but we do have a child together & we are still married.. So I still have to deal with his stupidity. I guess the best way is to do No contact or very limited contact just answered my own question. Yeah your right they do , and l'm sorry about your sitch. but it's a huge thing your married and your family , don't ever apologize for wanting to keep that together l say. The world really needs more of it these days. But yeah , and l'm sorry about the problems and can filly appreciate where your at. Maybe with some NC for awhile , there is always the hope that he might actually realize his ways and the asshat he's been once he starts missing his family enough. Not saying he will , some people as someone was saying and l've been through myself, just have disorders and there's no damn hope, l wish. But some just get sh@tty at life to and start acting like it for awhile , just sayin , never know. Good luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarahssarah Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 Yeah your right they do , and l'm sorry about your sitch. but it's a huge thing your married and your family , don't ever apologize for wanting to keep that together l say. The world really needs more of it these days. But yeah , and l'm sorry about the problems and can filly appreciate where your at. Maybe with some NC for awhile , there is always the hope that he might actually realize his ways and the asshat he's been once he starts missing his family enough. Not saying he will , some people as someone was saying and l've been through myself, just have disorders and there's no damn hope, l wish. But some just get sh@tty at life to and start acting like it for awhile , just sayin , never know. Good luck with everything. Thanks for the reply! Yea it seems like he just forgot about me And is focused on living his own life.. I have to accept that and Live my own life . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bebe11 Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 Sorry I am late in posting! Marriage is hard work. I can tell you are struggling with what to do, but I am glad that you are willing to give your husband another chance. I have been married for 36 years, and I will tell you that most of my marriage has been difficult. Two years ago, my husband and I decided we needed help. I can't believe we waited that long, but we finally attended a marriage retreat called Hope Restored. These last two years have been the best years of our marriage. I encourage you to find a counselor and work things out if you can. The important ingredient to marriage is that you BOTH have to work at it. I am pulling for you! Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 17, 2017 Share Posted June 17, 2017 Sarah, Just saw your post. And we are indeed going through similar situations. In my case the breakup is very recent and so I am still struggling with the hope thing. I have been thinking about it non-stop truthfully. Do I wait it out and see if he changes his mind and wants to come back? If he does do I take him back after he has discarded me like trash? Do I lose myself again with somebody who would rather walk all over me and treat me like sh*t while "pretending" to be loving. Or do I decide that I might be happier in the long term if I was on my own, which may open the door for somebody to find me who is more invested in the relationship? In the end I have to realistic with myself and cast aside all our past history and only judge him on his actions recently within the last year. How he is today is very much how he will be in the future. The pattern that always creeps up to break us is ALWAYS there! It will take 2 of us to break the pattern, but if he denies responsibility then it implies that I will need to do all the work to fix us which as you know will be an automatic fail no matter how hard i try. All this is just so hard as it goes to the core of your self worth. Struggling to find that self worth is the hardest part of relationships. I hope you and I can decide that we are worth a lot more than what we have been dealt. And it is in our power to do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 Sarah, I have been thinking more about your post. My first marriage was to a manipulator/victim personality. He thought (and still thinks) the world evolves around him. It is never his fault, only bad things "happen" to him. We have 2 boys. I had to get out. For the sake of myself and my boys. In hindsight it was the best thing I ever did. By getting away from him, I was able to build a stable life for my children without all the drama. He was still their father and so he should see them as much as he wanted. He was a good father in this regard. So my boys were able to enter his world, be subject to his issues (they were young, didn't know any better if good or bad), but always knowing that stability at home was waiting with Mom. Had I stayed, my boys would have been subject to an unstable home and reality 100% of the time. Anyway, to answer your question, I had to disengage from my ExH completely. I only talked/communicated with him about the kids. And when about the kids it was ONLY kid business related. Logistics etc. I drew a hard line to not talk to him about anything else. The door had to be 100% shut. If I left even a little crack, I knew he would open it and walk all over me. I never took the risk and have left it shut for 20 years. Today my boys have grown to be good respectable adults. My youngest just graduated college. I offer you my experiences as encouragement to you that taking steps to create a healthy home life for you and your children without the father can work. But it is also important to remember that having a screwed up father love them is better than no father's love. It is good to keep encouraging him to be in their lives even if he is not in yours. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 why do you want him? theres lots fish in the sea that will treat u way better, he sounds like a jerk, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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