Wife's "affair" after one year married

[HereNorThere]

Umm yeah, you know how I know she slept with him? BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT. Trust me, the type of married guy that has affairs with his married subordinates isn't the type of guy that stops at first base. You keep drawing this line in the sand with that statement, but isn't it already proven? Those messages were definitely enough and she had no plausible explanation for them. You presented the evidence, she had no real defense to disprove the evidence, add in the massive amounts of circumstantial evidence along with denying a polygraph, I think you can reasonably say she slept with him. You don't want to know she slept with him, you want a confession. You want to hear her say it. Trust me, I get it. And that's why I know she will keep that trump card. It's the only thing she has left to keep you in her pocket. Who are you going to believe, her or your lying EYES?

 

In my opinion, you really messed up not telling the other wife. Still, it may not be too late. If they're a bit older than us, you may have to coach and help her, but she has access to the other half of the evidence. If you can convince her to work as a team, you can bury them both. The problem is you've given him a long time to delete evidence. The good thing is some evidence can't be deleted like credit card statements, phone records, etc.

 

Don't waste any more time. Why in the world would you protect this jerk? I doesn't make a bit of sense to me. What, you have some sort of loyalty for a guy who showed up to your wedding while he was banging your bride? Look, there is no way for you get your life and relationship back. At this point, your only option is starting over and rebuilding. Even if she confessed today, you'd have to live with the fact that she watched you literally dying in front of her and didn't care enough to help you. That she invited her affair partner to your wedding, etc. You don't have enough invested in her to live with something like this.

 

Statistically, people are usually at a low risk for infidelity right after a wedding. I'd be willing to bet this has been going on a lot longer than you think. Her reaction is that of a person deeply lost in the affair fog with an intense emotional connection and loyalty to her affair partner. It probably died down around the wedding but once that was over, it started up again. That whole time you stood at the alter, the ceremony, honeymoon, everything, she knew she cheating. And now that you've caught on, she is trying to emotionally manipulate you into submission. Don't fall for it, bro. Stay firm with the polygraph thing. It seems like that's working for you. Don't get sucked into her gaslighting, blameshifting and crocodile tears. She's going to try to turn this around on you. Do not let that happen.

Edited June 8, 2017 by HereNorThere

[WilyWill]

If you play this right, you might be able to bluff him into a confession. Tell him your wife told you about the sex and you just want to hear if he agrees about the number of times and the nature of the encounters. Tell him you'll be less inclined to contact HR if he's honest. Tell him you have no desire to blow up his career, you just want to salvage what's left of your marriage.

 

While she's staying at her parents, continue to track her phone until she disables it. Drive by the Walmart parking lot every so often. Call her parents late in the evening. Is she there or out?

[Imajerk17]

Well here goes.

 

I asked her if she really wanted to get through this and heal, she said yes absolutely. I told her I feel as though I can't move on, because I still feel she is hiding things from me, and if she can't be fully honest, then I can't even begin to reconcile. She then said it's all in my head, and she blames herself because of the way she trickled the truth to me in the beginning, so now I certainly can't trust her and I will always question if there's more.

 

I told her to ease my mind and prove she's telling me everything by taking a polygraph. At first she said, sure no problem. But then she realized I was serious and her tone quickly changed.

 

She says that's the craziest thing she's ever heard and I'm taking this way too far. I told her how much this would ease my mind, and help me heal and in turn would help our marriage. She kept saying I'm crazy, and would not take part in this nonsense.

 

We then argued about everything, had a fight as to why she wouldn't participate in the polygraph, then she packed her suitcase and left for work in tears. She said she loves me with all her heart, but I pushed her too far, and she can't take it anymore. Unbelievable, I'm at a loss for words.

 

There is a term for this: "Gaslighting". A person is gaslighting you when she is trying to pivot the blame for her wrongful actions onto you. i.e., making it not about the wrongful things she did, but instead about your reactions to what she did. This is exactly what your wife is doing here.

 

 

 

Let's break this down:

 

1. You want to get to the bottom of what happened, and your gut feeling, which you have every reason to believe (going by your wife's history) is that you do not know everything of what happened, not by a long shot. So you insist (quite reasonably) upon a polygraph test.

 

2. Your wife indeed, did NOT tell you everything (c'mon bro if she did do you think she would have any reservations of taking the test to put this matter to rest). So your (again quite reasonable and only fair really) request for a polygraph has her freaking out.

 

3. So instead of owning up to her lying/not telling you everything, she is instead pivoting the blame on you, saying that YOU are the bad guy pushing the love out of her by interrogating her too hard, not trusting her, pushing her too far, ect. She is even using tears to that affect--i.e., 'look you made her cry!'

 

Stand strong on this, unless you want to be taken for a sucker. She is hiding something from you. If she won't agree to a polygraph you better be filing for divorce!

Edited June 8, 2017 by Imajerk17

[GoldenR]

It's also straight outta the cheater's handbook to storm out of the house bc they are accused of doing something they deny doing but actually did. And the reason? So they can go see their AP.

[Overtaxed]

Umm yeah, you know how I know she slept with him? BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT. Trust me, the type of married guy that has affairs with his married subordinates isn't the type of guy that stops at first base.

 

Read this and really absorb it. I think you probably know from what you've read here that this is true, but guys who do this are very often serial cheats. And they aren't in it for the emotional connection. They aren't in it because their wives suck. They are in it because they are broken, they are without morals, and they will do or say anything to have sex with a new woman. They don't want to kiss her, they want to sleep with her.

 

Especially, especially (emphasis intended) when it's a subordinate or "power" affair. When one person has power over the other, that's a terrible betrayal of trust. Guys who step over that line aren't going to blink at stepping over the "line" of sex. They don't risk their jobs for a kiss on the cheek. They risk it for some freaky sex in the Wallmart parking lot.

 

Finally, please know, we're not being mean or trying to hurt you. We want to see the best outcome for you. If you want to stick your head in the sand and rugsweep the whole thing, not many of us here will cosign that because we know where that leads (more As, more d-days, more pain for you). If you want to stay married, a lot of us (myself included) will support that, my wife cheated, and I'm attempting R as we speak. But I don't know of a single poster here who will tell you what you're doing is going to turn out well, because, it's not. You have to get strong with her, you have to start to care more about you then you do her, and you have to come to grips with what happened here. It wasn't a make out session; because, as stated above, that's not what adults do!

[DKT3]

Emotional bullying. Your wife has been sexing this guy crazy and gaslighting you to death.

 

Her tactic is one I endured. If there is anything I've learned, and if I had to do it over I would move immediately to divorce. Unless you're wife understands and truly believes you will walk she will continue to "handle" you and attempt to control information.

 

Piece of advice, don't contact your wife at all, once she reaches out to you and she will, make it clear you have nothing to talk about unless she is ready to be honest and take the poly. The reason? It's clear you're wife believes by acting out, yelling, threats and packing bags you will fall in line and she can continue the snow job.

 

I'm not really a fan of burning it all down, but it may be your best option. Tell his wife, tell her parents. Smoke her out. As bad as it seems now, it can be worse. If you allow her to snow you it will be a very long crappy marriage that will slowly change who you are. Blow it up and see what's left standing.

[usa1ah]

Let the other BS know that your wife had sex with her husband and that it looks like you are divorcing your wife. She needs to know what a POS she is married to. Why should his world not be blown all to hell like yours.

[Poutrew]

So, the wifey says she is going to stay at her mom's house, huh? If she hasn't deactivated it, I bet if you find her location on the phone tracking app it'll be nowhere near mom's house. Maybe right back at the Walmart parking lot... you really need to disclose. First thing, take the saved emails as proof to the ratbag's company for proof he has been shagging a subordinate, namely your wife. You wont even have to mention liability. HR knows full well what they stand to loose if they can't show how proactive they are once they were notified... OM's life will get very messy just from that.

[Dobber80]

As mentioned yesterday, she packed her suitcase and left for work, crying, saying she loved me with all her heart, and I pushed her too far.

 

She did not come home last night, but can confirm she did go to her parents.

 

I read messages from her mom, asking her if I texted her at all yesterday. She said no, and her mom is telling her not to text or call me either. Her mom thinks this separation will prove how much I love her or not. My wife has been telling her mom I've been treating her unfairly by not giving her attention and not wanting to go out with her anywhere. Her mom is extremely gullible, and is going to take her side no matter, I get that. So naturally her mom thinks the poly is insane as well. She told her mom she desperately wants us to get back to normal and is so scared this is the end, and she's scared I'm going to leave and realize I don't need her.

 

It feels like a waiting game now to see who will text who first.

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

[Marc878]

This is what you'll get as long as you help hide the affair.

 

Why are you affraid to tell OM's wife?

[reboot]

As mentioned yesterday, she packed her suitcase and left for work, crying, saying she loved me with all her heart, and I pushed her too far.

 

YOU pushed HER too far. This is seriously classic.

[Marc878]

YOU pushed HER too far. This is seriously classic.

 

Her actions are saying this will be on her terms. You don't matter much

[HereNorThere]

As mentioned yesterday, she packed her suitcase and left for work, crying, saying she loved me with all her heart, and I pushed her too far.

 

She did not come home last night, but can confirm she did go to her parents.

 

I read messages from her mom, asking her if I texted her at all yesterday. She said no, and her mom is telling her not to text or call me either. Her mom thinks this separation will prove how much I love her or not. My wife has been telling her mom I've been treating her unfairly by not giving her attention and not wanting to go out with her anywhere. Her mom is extremely gullible, and is going to take her side no matter, I get that. So naturally her mom thinks the poly is insane as well. She told her mom she desperately wants us to get back to normal and is so scared this is the end, and she's scared I'm going to leave and realize I don't need her.

 

It feels like a waiting game now to see who will text who first.

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

 

Nice, her Mom is coaching her to emotionally manipulate you. I guess the apple doesn't far from the tree.

 

Ha ha, you pushed her too far. She admittedly had an affair during or directly after your wedding, admittedly trickle truthed you, watch you slowly dying for months, but now you've pushed her too far. It's tragic, but please at least find the comedy in this for your own sake. She really is swabbing the deck of the Titanic.

 

We know your wife knows you somehow have access to text and phone. I wouldn't put a lot of stock into her text messages.

 

DO.NOT.FOLD... And consider yourself warned, this will get worse before it gets better. If the walking out and blameshifting doesn't work, she's going to go for the jugular. She knows your weaknesses. She knows you care about her. The next step will be a) threat to self harm b) going to hospital for anxiety or something related. She has to find a way to garner sympathy and reclaim the role of victim. Expect something like this.

[Zona]

Her actions are saying this will be on her terms. You don't matter much

 

Unbelievable isn't it? She undoubtedly had a full blown affair with her boss, and yet she is making him out to be the villain who is threatening the marriage.

 

If by some miracle she did nothing more than kiss and grope, she would jump at the chance to clear her name and save the marriage with a polygraph.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I would skip the poly and file for divorce. You can always stop the process. The poly is only going to confirm what we already know--she slept with him. It's not going to give you the confession you so desperately need. Hell, you could probably waterboard her, and she wouldn't crack (I'm being facetious).

 

But think of the overall significance: What does it say about a relationship whereby interrogation tactics must be employed in the hopes of (maybe) getting a straight answer? She can't even muster up the courage to be honest with you while you are literally breaking down and suffering right in front of her for five months, I'm sorry but that's not love--that's plain heartless.

 

I truly feel for you; I hope you find peace.

[cgiles]

Just file for divorce.

 

Once she got served, you expose her to your family, hers, and mutual friends.

"I'm sorry to inform you I filed divorce. I found few months ago my wife had an affair with her boss, she withdrawed information from the start, I have serious doubt to believe her, I offered her to take a polygraph, but she refused. I thank you for supporting us through those hard time"

 

And inform his wife, don't speak about it to your wife, just do it.

 

If she knows about it, it means she still in touch with him.

[aliveagain]

One day in the future your going to be really angry at yourself for not telling the other betrayed spouse sooner. Who goes shopping at Walmart 10 pm at night after a funeral, really? What kind of newly married woman agrees to meet her boss(married with 3 children) that is aggressively pursuing her sexually in a dark remote Walmart parking lot late at night? If he is all over her at their office with all kinds of other people around, why would she agree to meet him in a desolate location, both in the same dark car? Save yourself a lot of pain, tell his wife. If you feel her job is more important then your marriage then continue to withhold the information from his wife, on the other hand if you think your marriage is more important tell O/M's wife immediately. Every single poster is giving you the same advice for a reason, it works.

[BluesPower]

As mentioned yesterday, she packed her suitcase and left for work, crying, saying she loved me with all her heart, and I pushed her too far.

 

She did not come home last night, but can confirm she did go to her parents.

 

I read messages from her mom, asking her if I texted her at all yesterday. She said no, and her mom is telling her not to text or call me either. Her mom thinks this separation will prove how much I love her or not. My wife has been telling her mom I've been treating her unfairly by not giving her attention and not wanting to go out with her anywhere. Her mom is extremely gullible, and is going to take her side no matter, I get that. So naturally her mom thinks the poly is insane as well. She told her mom she desperately wants us to get back to normal and is so scared this is the end, and she's scared I'm going to leave and realize I don't need her.

 

It feels like a waiting game now to see who will text who first.

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

 

Brother you still don't get it...

 

No, you don't get her to admit the full story, you get her to take a polygraph. That is the only way that you will be able to start to get the full story. You cannot trust one work that come out of her mouth, not even good morning.

 

If she refuses the poly you file, which you should have already done.

 

Why is it so hard for you to understand that?

 

And the way that she is talking about you to her mom. Do you not realize that she is a selfish, entitled, manipulator just like her mother. She does not care for you in any way, she cares about herself only.

 

You really need to lose her and file for divorce today...

[Silveron]

Dobber,

 

 

Something similar happened to me. A few months after our wedding, she was sneaking behind my back to meet up with her ex. Her psychotic father was also helping them in meeting up.

 

 

The only answers I got was by playing detective, she (like your wife) never just came up and confessed everything. She was always using the line 'You're crazy' and honestly through all the lies and deceit it took a counselor to tell me that I am NOT crazy and what she has done is cheat. When they intentionally take time and emotion away from you to give to someone else, that is cheating. Doesn't matter if they had sex.

 

 

You go through the seven stages of grief. The counselor told me that at one point I am going to want resolution and not care about whether we stay together or divorce.

 

 

One morning it just happened. She was crabby and complaining and I just said I want you out. She (like your wife) would always threaten in leaving, so I thought she would jump at this chance and go with her ex. I told her I want a divorce and all your stuff out. She stared in my eyes and said she wasn't leaving and that she was making changes.

 

 

Well, she did make changes, however 13 years later things are still not the same. I thought I knew her but she has tendencies to be verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive.

 

 

Took a psychologist to tell me she has borderline personality disorder (look it up) and needs years of therapy. It's incurable and a lot of people who have BPD do things like this.

 

 

Sorry you are going through this, rest knowing that you are not the reason why it happened and she is using your heart against you. Look at yourself and answer honestly if you are co-dependent on her. BPD's can make their spouse that way.

 

 

My advice? Get a counselor, someone you trust. Don't make her go, but invite her. During this time she is away DO NOT CONTACT HER. That's what she wants. If you contact, she will either ignore you or push this back onto you. BPDs have the emotional IQ of a teenager. She will eventually come to you, and when she does you need to lay down boundaries and stick to the consequences that you would put on her.

 

 

It's all a matter of how much you want to tolerate, how long do you want to play detective? Personally I don't believe I got all the answers that I was seeking when she did those things to me. All I know is that it erodes the bond. No one is perfect but living with someone who doesn't want to take full responsibility only encourages more of that behavior.

 

 

This OM's wife needs to be told what was going on and her ex boss superiors need to be told what he's done. Good chance he's done it in the past with others and will continue.

 

 

Remember to take care of yourself, the world has not ended. The world will not end if you two separate. Set short-term goals for yourself and accomplish them. I know it's hard to face what you are facing and it's not fair. Take things day by day or even hour by hour if needed.

[GoldenR]

Read Alive Again's post, two up from mine. Read it over and over and over until it sinks in. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

[usa1ah]

This is the problem. She is the one that has to do the heavy lifting here. She is the one that cheated.

 

If she is trying to blackmail you in away to give this up, it is up to you to decide what your actions will be. To threats to leave because you need the truth is blackmail.

 

Let the other mans wife know what has been going on.

 

See a lawyer and have papers drawn up. You can stop a divorce anytime you want if she starts telling the truth and you can live with it.

[Imajerk17]

As mentioned yesterday, she packed her suitcase and left for work, crying, saying she loved me with all her heart, and I pushed her too far.

 

She did not come home last night, but can confirm she did go to her parents.

 

I read messages from her mom, asking her if I texted her at all yesterday. She said no, and her mom is telling her not to text or call me either. Her mom thinks this separation will prove how much I love her or not. My wife has been telling her mom I've been treating her unfairly by not giving her attention and not wanting to go out with her anywhere. Her mom is extremely gullible, and is going to take her side no matter, I get that. So naturally her mom thinks the poly is insane as well. She told her mom she desperately wants us to get back to normal and is so scared this is the end, and she's scared I'm going to leave and realize I don't need her.

 

It feels like a waiting game now to see who will text who first.

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

 

Why wasn't she "so scared" when she started this affair in the first place then?

 

Those of us encouraging OP to take the tougher line--which I am also wholeheartedly endorsing, need to realize what else might be happening here though. It sounds like everyone in OP's circle thinks that OP should 'just get over it' and 'stop being such a jerk' to his wife, **including OP's family**. (Is that right OP? I think I read that they were encouraging you to reconcile.) He is under a lot of pressure to cave.

 

We are the only ones who seem to have OP's back and know how much worse off he will be if he DOES cave and doesn't take a harder line and insist upon a poly....or even better just file for divorce. OP, you have no kids to worry about, and if she is cheating now....

Edited June 9, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Silveron]

Polygraph won't do crap.. Think of this as a weed. So say you get the polygraph and she passes, well you pulled the leaves off that weed but eventually those leaves grow back (which means more drama).

 

 

Deal with the weed by the root (root of the issue). Do this by counseling. She needs help mentally and you need to find a way to deal with this. Forcing someone with an ultimatum with a polygraph is not right, even in this situation. Quit playing detective, if you don't that in itself will drive you crazy.

 

 

If you are serious about this, find a good counselor today.

 

 

The only way you can trust her is when she can understand and feel what you have experienced and will continue to feel. The dishonor, mistrust, the damage to the bond.. Until then, you won't trust her and a polygraph is not going to allow you to trust her. Start off your sentences with 'I feel'. No need for vengeance either, that won't get to where you want to be.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Silveron

[WilyWill]

Ignore the advice immediately above. A polygraph is a useful tool, not for the test itself, but because of the pre-test reaction it elicits. You'll get a strong aversion to it first. But later you'll get a parking lot confession. She'll tell the truth to you in the parking lot of the examiner's office, just to avoid doing the test. Then you'll finally have closure.

[Crazelnut]

However, I think I'm just going to tell her either admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile. Or take the poly, and if she refuses, it's over.

 

You're only halfway to getting it, Dobber. "Admit to the full story, and we can try to reconcile." Um, haven't you already figured out that she will not tell you EVERYTHING. You will only get partial truths from her. And how will you know it's the full story, anyway.

 

But let's say she tells you all about the nasty sex she has with him. You willing to reconcile? I don't think so. So don't even offer that as an option.

 

You need to pull your head out of your butt and deal with the reality. Her response to the polygraph request told you everything you need to know.

 

Oh, and WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO TELL HIS WIFE?