Wife's "affair" after one year married

[MickeyBill]

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

To some people no...I think the good times and bad are referring to the problems that happen in life but not the things that are caused by a spouse leaving the marriage to bang her boss.

So she is the one who failed to love and honor you.

 

You still have integrity and can look at yourself in the mirror and not think "boy I really effed up with Mrs Dobber" She can't say the same thing.

 

This forum is filled with people who are divorced and likely BS. I am. But some marriages can be reconciled, it is not not easy but it's ok to try if BOTH OF YOU agree thats what you want.

Now is not the time to decide D or R. Take some time to let the emotion calm down and to see what Mrs D does, and it needs to be more than a note and watering the flowers...

 

The goal is to get out of infidelity, if she has stopped seeing the OM that is a good step. The next step is to decide if the both of you want to and are able to build a new marriage. It takes two to say yes but one to say no.

[WilyWill]

People will tell you to divorce for one of two reasons. One is that it can shock the cheater into adjusting their priorities by directly putting the consequences into their face. It can be that moment where the dam bursts and you finally receive a full confession and the full remorse that should accompany it. She just wants you to forget about all this and pretend that it never happened. If you try to do that, it will stick around like ghost sitting in the shadows, tainting your relationship forever.

 

The other reason people jump to recommend divorce is that they know reconciliation is damn hard and could very well fail. They'd like to see you get on with your life instead of wasting time walking up a dead-end alley. You're at this critical juncture right now. If you choose reconciliation, she has to do everything right in the coming years for it to have a chance of working. One of these things is a full honest confession. And even if she does do everything right in the coming years, you might realize 10 years from now that you never got over the infidelity and never will. At that point your finances are fully intertwined and you've got kids. You could have spent those 10 years with a faithful loving wife, but no, you chose a reconciliation that was destined to fail, and wasted a good part of your life. Those of us who recommend divorce do so because we know it's the safer bet for having a happy life.

 

Ultimately, you have to make the right choice for yourself. You should take as much time as you need to process this. But while you're doing that, you should ruthlessly pursue getting the whole story so that you can make an informed decision when the time comes.

[Crazelnut]

Dobber, you need to get over this nonsense about starting over at the decrepit age of 37. I am SO rolling my eyes at that one. I was widowed at 46 and started over. I just got married at 52. This is a total non-issue. Life doesn't end at 40. And losing your house? Seriously?? You'd stay with a lying cheat just to avoid starting your life over? Snap out of it.

[HereNorThere]

It sounds to me that little breadcrumb (the note) is doing exactly what she designed it to do, make you question yourself.

 

If she really cared, she would have left her polygraph results there instead. Think about it.

 

Please, please, Dobber80, don't just listen to us. Go to every single infidelity thread and forum and read every long post. Your brain will start to put together the wayward pattern pretty fast. There's absolutely nothing special about your situation or your wayward. She is sticking to the cheater's script like every single cheater that came before her.

 

When you read those threads, you'll see the OP come to a crossroad like you have. And if they finally put their foot down, the trickle of truth usually always turns into a waterfall. It's so unbelievably predictable.

[OneLov]

I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

My point in posting the link was to demonstrate that this rationalization is simply a pissing contest. Whether you were together for 1 year or 50 years, it is irrelevant to the feeling of betrayal as there is NEVER a "better time." You would still feel blindsided. It would still very much suck.

 

Now, relationship history is relevant in weighing the decision to reconcile. Like HereNorThere pointed out: Twenty-five years is like twenty-five more counterweights that would make your decision 25x harder. Factor in children, then you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

I would not put so much emphasis on the fact that you recently got married. You were cohabiting for years prior to getting married and are well beyond the honeymoon stage of your relationship. I'm only pointing this out to demonstrate how easy it is to make rationalizations that, in the end, do not provide you with any relief or conclusion.

 

Like others said, you're the one who will wake up to her everyday. You're the one that will grow old with her. You're the only one that truly knows if she is worthy of the gift of reconciliation.

 

IMO: The fact that it has been like pulling teeth to get just a trickle of the truth, and her indignation are the factors that carry the most weight. That s*** speaks volumes.

[usa1ah]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Bedding another is not a mistake, it's a deliberate action on her part. She willingly slept with her boss. This was no mistake. She just never thought she would get caught.

[BluesPower]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Brother, you need to understand some things...

 

First off, don't be afraid of divorce in any way. You your age, literally the world is your oyster. I have lived it and I know what I am talking about.

 

Second and most importantly, you need to get into focus what has actually been going on.

 

You wife has been having a physical affair with her boss for what, about a year, 6 months? I can assure you that they have been having wild monkey sex every single time that they could. Every time.

 

She does not love you, she does not want to lose you but she does not love or respect you in any way. Let me explain the difference.

 

Having an affair is one thing. But knowing that she was caught and lying to you so strongly, only means one thing. The affair at that time and probably now is still going on, even if "SHE GOT FIRED FROM HER JOB". Which by the way is what happened.

 

She would not confess, and wanted to protect her boyfriend over your marriage. These actions show that she "DOES NOT LOVE YOU IN ANY WAY". She wants her weak husband back and her lifestyle that that is all.

 

I will bet $100 that this is not her first affair, at all. And this affair has been going on longer than you expect. That is a promise.

 

Yes marriage vows are important, but she broke them, not you. You owe her nothing in any way.

 

Now listen to this. I spent 26 years taking care of a woman the never loved me, she had 2 affairs, was a hidden drug addict for 20 out of 26 years of marriage. I raised 3 children in misery because I loved her and I thought that she was "Sick".

 

She stole half of my life. I am 53. I am almost finished with my divorce. And I am happy as a clam.

 

You really need to understand the ramifications and the reality of what has been going on. And do not let other relatives sway your resolve in any way...

[Sparta]

OP dude we all understand it's hard but when someone is deliberately destroyed your marriage and you. When she supposed to love you and it's supposed to be the honeymoon phase of your relationship... You have to do what's right for you.

Also you should've did this along time ago the OM's wife needs to know do not let your wife know that you're doing this...!!! You're gonna look back for years from now. Wow how do I even put up with such betrayal for even two seconds of my life. What a complete waste of time that could be spent with someone that really will love you.

[HereNorThere]

I went back through your thread today from beginning to end trying to think of some different options. One thought, what about reaching out to the other man instead of the other wife? It seems ridiculous, but if you present the text messages and evidence and give him two choices: the truth or everything goes to HR and his wife, he'd probably cave. Just level with him and make a deal. Seriously, this guy is a scumbag. If he has the option of avoiding trouble by selling her out, he absolutely will. Make sure you have it in writing or sent from his account. Maybe even with third party or witness. Would a family member, friend or attorney be willing to visit this guy for you? Want to fly me to Canada?

 

One thing really stood out to me. OP, you hold all the power over this guy. If you blow up his spot, he'll be left nothing but a pile of burning ashes. I'm sure he's coached her that he would lose absolutely everything if it all came to light.

 

I'm willing to bet he'd make a deal. Once he sees those texts, he's toast. Also, you need to let him think you have more that you have. Provide him damning samples but always pretend like you have everything. Allude to having hired a private investigator. Heck, you could even hire a private investigator to contact him. Realllllly put the squeeze on this guy. Make sure you get the confession in writing and then present it to your families, not the wife. Withhold the actual document from her like she did you. Make her lie to your families so they know what's you been dealing with.

 

Personally, I'd check your local laws and just post the text in a public Facebook post, send everyone in his friends list a friend request, and let the Universe unfold, but you're not me. I respect that.

Edited June 14, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Marc878]

He's continuing to make the same mistake of helping them hide their affair.

 

However, thats his choice to make. No one can do it for him.

 

Talking gets you nowhere but he's yet to figure that out.

[Sparta]

Yes Marc I would agree and he so worried about starting over at 37 when he's doing more of wasting time then anyone involved in this.

[Bufo]

A really bad idea is to get involve in activity with OM that could be construed as extortion or blackmail. Don't get involved in any agreement not to tell BW especially with OM.

[Marc878]

Yes Marc I would agree and he so worried about starting over at 37 when he's doing more of wasting time then anyone involved in this.

 

Lack of action here comes across as weak. Strength is a lot more attractive and women especially notice that.

 

There is a misperceived perception that men should be sensitive and understanding. BS!!! Not while an other man is screwing your wife!!!

 

Quit looking for your vagina and stand up for yourself. Good god!!!!

[Chi townD]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Well, of course your sister in law thinks things are fixable. Because she only knows what you know. She doesn't know how far she took things. See, one thing you have to know about cheaters, the will only confess to what you can prove. And when they confess, they try to downplay it so it doesn't seem as bad as what truly happened. Personally, I would have asked her if she used protection, because you're going in to get yourself checked out.

 

I hope you do tell the OM wife. She has a right to know what kind of guy that she married and that she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do with her marriage.

[aliveagain]

All I know is that most people that refuse to take polygraphs do so for one main reason. I don't have to spell it out for you because really remorseful people would do anything to prove they are telling the truth. How do you even start to rebuild trust if you don't know what truth is? Tell the other betrayed spouse, let her take action if you won't.

[Overtaxed]

All I know is that most people that refuse to take polygraphs do so for one main reason. I don't have to spell it out for you because really remorseful people would do anything to prove they are telling the truth. How do you even start to rebuild trust if you don't know what truth is? Tell the other betrayed spouse, let her take action if you won't.

 

I cannot think of a single reason to not take a poly if I was the WS and I'd really told everything. I'd want to take it to make my W feel safe again and prove that I'd told everything. Shoot, I'd probably book it myself and tell her to think about what she'd like to ask.

 

Now, if I hadn't disclosed everything? Yeah, I'd gaslight like the best of them. Why don't you trust me?? Because you're not trustworthy a**hole!

[DKT3]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Divorce is hard, it sucks and there is always some doubt...but you know what's worse? Being with someone you don't trust, someone who lied and betrayed you and doesn't have the balls to admit it, to give your mind peace. 14 months I lived in that state before divorce. If I had it to do all over again I would have filed as soon as I suspected. From the time I suspected to the divorce was pure hell, no one deserves that.

 

Secondly, taking a strong stance tells her you won't accept the behavior, maybe it snaps her around to the point that she will be honest, maybe not. Either way you are on your way to healing and out of infidelity.

[Dobber80]

I realize the fear of starting over at my age is a stupid way of thinking, I get it... but when your down and out, and feeling depressed it's hard to snap out of it...

 

So she came home unexpectedly yesterday to grab something. We started talking, and I basically told her this separation is pointless. She agreed, and said we are just prolonging the inevitable. I told her she can make all of this go away by just taking the damn polygraph, and again she refused. She says she refuses to be treated like a criminal, refuses to be interrogated and reminded every day of what she did. Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She reminded me again that she quit her job for me, has apologized over and over, and regrets what she did, yet it's still not good enough for me. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

She's upset that I'm able to go out with a friend for a beer and wings, yet I won't do anything with her... sooo basically its my fault for not trying to make things work. I'm the bad guy for neglecting her, not showing her affection, and not bringing myself to go out for dinner with her as of late. She's frustrated, tired, and wants her old life back, and if I cant love her the same, or look at her the same, she's telling me to let her go..

 

I told her all she has to do is prove it to me for god sakes. She can ease my mind, and prove she's telling me the truth and then we can start building off of that! Nope, she ain't having any of it. I said fine, you gave me the answer I need and we should start thinking about going separate ways. She was in tears, and said fine, do whatever I have to do she doesn't care anymore.

 

So either A) she's willing to let everything burn to the ground to save her reputation, or B) she's telling the truth and there isn't anything left to tell me. My gut is going with A as much as I don't want to believe it...

 

Before she left I told her I was serious, and this can't go on any longer. We're both dying slowly and wasting time. She started crying again, then pleaded for me not to leave her, and that she wants to be with me forever, and again swore there's nothing more to tell me.

 

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

[Overtaxed]

I realize the fear of starting over at my age is a stupid way of thinking, I get it... but when your down and out, and feeling depressed it's hard to snap out of it...

 

So she came home unexpectedly yesterday to grab something. We started talking, and I basically told her this separation is pointless. She agreed, and said we are just prolonging the inevitable. I told her she can make all of this go away by just taking the damn polygraph, and again she refused. She says she refuses to be treated like a criminal, refuses to be interrogated and reminded every day of what she did. Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She reminded me again that she quit her job for me, has apologized over and over, and regrets what she did, yet it's still not good enough for me. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

She's upset that I'm able to go out with a friend for a beer and wings, yet I won't do anything with her... sooo basically its my fault for not trying to make things work. I'm the bad guy for neglecting her, not showing her affection, and not bringing myself to go out for dinner with her as of late. She's frustrated, tired, and wants her old life back, and if I cant love her the same, or look at her the same, she's telling me to let her go..

 

I told her all she has to do is prove it to me for god sakes. She can ease my mind, and prove she's telling me the truth and then we can start building off of that! Nope, she ain't having any of it. I said fine, you gave me the answer I need and we should start thinking about going separate ways. She was in tears, and said fine, do whatever I have to do she doesn't care anymore.

 

So either A) she's willing to let everything burn to the ground to save her reputation, or B) she's telling the truth and there isn't anything left to tell me. My gut is going with A as much as I don't want to believe it...

 

Before she left I told her I was serious, and this can't go on any longer. We're both dying slowly and wasting time. She started crying again, then pleaded for me not to leave her, and that she wants to be with me forever, and again swore there's nothing more to tell me.

 

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

 

So sorry man. It's definitely sexual, nobody on the planet would get a D just to avoid a poly IF they are telling the truth already. I'd RUN to the poly to prove an EA if my wife was convinced it was a PA. I'd take it 5 times in a row. IF, and only IF, it was only an EA and my wife was going to leave only if it was a PA. You know what the truth is, so does she, and she's gaslighting the hell out of you over this poly. Don't waver, tell her to get out until she either feels like telling you the truth or sitting down for the poly. Trickle truth is one thing, all us BS go through that (except for the poster today who put cameras in the house, bravo, no TT there). But flat out lying like this is simply unacceptable, not if she intends to R. And involving other people in the lie to make you look like a bad guy? Come on, that's beyond manipulative, it's downright evil.

 

File. Maybe she'll come to her senses. If not, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's willing to lie like this.

[HereNorThere]

Good for you, man. Good for you!

 

Feels good to take back some of your control, doesn't it? You saw those messages. You know what happened. You're not stupid. Welcome back to reality, Dobber80!

 

I also wouldn't count out her finally playing her trump card, more trickle. She knows that there's still time left. She's held out for a long time so this is nothing to her. She's cornered, so I would expect a last minute revelation. You know, it was one time. He forced himself upon her. He didn't finish, etc. It was your fault she did it but she lied to protect you.

 

Stay strong! Good to have you back with us. We were worried about you. Let some of these obsessive thoughts go and let the sunlight disinfect this rotten part of your life. One way or another, you're getting out of infidelity.

 

She sucks, dude. You can do better. Cheating aside, she's "stubborn" which is really just code word for narcissistic jerk. She's not really remorseful either. You'll be able to see just how bad it was once you get more distance.

 

Does she know you're going to disclose to OM's wife?

[GoldenR]

You did well...stay strong, brother.

[Friskyone4u]

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

 

Does more than speaks volumes. She cries and wants you to be with her as long as its on her terms. And the fact that she and her idiot mother refer to this as just a little mistake means yup, you will always be wondering. She had the opportunity to make a real attempt to fix this and you are probably very correct assuming it was option A. She has not told you everything and you know it.

[aliveagain]

Refusing a polygraph that she knows is this important to you just screams guilty. She knows that the marriage will go up in flames when she fails the test so why not let it crash and burn with most of her integrity intact. You can't win with someone so cunning and insidious. You told her your requirements, she's refusing your terms, finish what her affair started the termination of your marriage. Have her served.

[Dobber80]

Does she know you're going to disclose to OM's wife?

 

She does not know. But a while ago when I mentioned his wife should know, she flat out said if I tell her, its over and is his responsibility to tell her, not mine lol...

 

She knows I have the texts saved and she may or may not have warned him months ago. If he was warned, he may have already came up with a story with his wife a while ago... This guy is a conniving piece of ****, and given he and my wife did conspire about the messages to me in the beginning (Saying the texts were referring to "massages", I'm sure he came up with a plan to his wife as well.... I hope she hears me out and doesn't slam the door in my face.

[Marc878]

She does not know. But a while ago when I mentioned his wife should know, she flat out said if I tell her, its over and is his responsibility to tell her, not mine lol...

 

She knows I have the texts saved and she may or may not have warned him months ago. If he was warned, he may have already came up with a story with his wife a while ago... This guy is a conniving piece of ****, and given he and my wife did conspire about the messages to me in the beginning (Saying the texts were referring to "massages", I'm sure he came up with a plan to his wife as well.... I hope she hears me out and doesn't slam the door in my face.

 

That's why you do this upfront. It'll be much harder now but your wife is saying his welfare is more important than yours.