Wife's "affair" after one year married

[HereNorThere]

I went back through your thread today from beginning to end trying to think of some different options. One thought, what about reaching out to the other man instead of the other wife? It seems ridiculous, but if you present the text messages and evidence and give him two choices: the truth or everything goes to HR and his wife, he'd probably cave. Just level with him and make a deal. Seriously, this guy is a scumbag. If he has the option of avoiding trouble by selling her out, he absolutely will. Make sure you have it in writing or sent from his account. Maybe even with third party or witness. Would a family member, friend or attorney be willing to visit this guy for you? Want to fly me to Canada?

 

One thing really stood out to me. OP, you hold all the power over this guy. If you blow up his spot, he'll be left nothing but a pile of burning ashes. I'm sure he's coached her that he would lose absolutely everything if it all came to light.

 

I'm willing to bet he'd make a deal. Once he sees those texts, he's toast. Also, you need to let him think you have more that you have. Provide him damning samples but always pretend like you have everything. Allude to having hired a private investigator. Heck, you could even hire a private investigator to contact him. Realllllly put the squeeze on this guy. Make sure you get the confession in writing and then present it to your families, not the wife. Withhold the actual document from her like she did you. Make her lie to your families so they know what's you been dealing with.

 

Personally, I'd check your local laws and just post the text in a public Facebook post, send everyone in his friends list a friend request, and let the Universe unfold, but you're not me. I respect that.

Edited June 14, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Marc878]

He's continuing to make the same mistake of helping them hide their affair.

 

However, thats his choice to make. No one can do it for him.

 

Talking gets you nowhere but he's yet to figure that out.

[Sparta]

Yes Marc I would agree and he so worried about starting over at 37 when he's doing more of wasting time then anyone involved in this.

[Bufo]

A really bad idea is to get involve in activity with OM that could be construed as extortion or blackmail. Don't get involved in any agreement not to tell BW especially with OM.

[Marc878]

Yes Marc I would agree and he so worried about starting over at 37 when he's doing more of wasting time then anyone involved in this.

 

Lack of action here comes across as weak. Strength is a lot more attractive and women especially notice that.

 

There is a misperceived perception that men should be sensitive and understanding. BS!!! Not while an other man is screwing your wife!!!

 

Quit looking for your vagina and stand up for yourself. Good god!!!!

[Chi townD]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Well, of course your sister in law thinks things are fixable. Because she only knows what you know. She doesn't know how far she took things. See, one thing you have to know about cheaters, the will only confess to what you can prove. And when they confess, they try to downplay it so it doesn't seem as bad as what truly happened. Personally, I would have asked her if she used protection, because you're going in to get yourself checked out.

 

I hope you do tell the OM wife. She has a right to know what kind of guy that she married and that she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do with her marriage.

[aliveagain]

All I know is that most people that refuse to take polygraphs do so for one main reason. I don't have to spell it out for you because really remorseful people would do anything to prove they are telling the truth. How do you even start to rebuild trust if you don't know what truth is? Tell the other betrayed spouse, let her take action if you won't.

[Overtaxed]

All I know is that most people that refuse to take polygraphs do so for one main reason. I don't have to spell it out for you because really remorseful people would do anything to prove they are telling the truth. How do you even start to rebuild trust if you don't know what truth is? Tell the other betrayed spouse, let her take action if you won't.

 

I cannot think of a single reason to not take a poly if I was the WS and I'd really told everything. I'd want to take it to make my W feel safe again and prove that I'd told everything. Shoot, I'd probably book it myself and tell her to think about what she'd like to ask.

 

Now, if I hadn't disclosed everything? Yeah, I'd gaslight like the best of them. Why don't you trust me?? Because you're not trustworthy a**hole!

[DKT3]

And what am I supposed to do if and when she does? Am I just waiting for a confession so I can say thanks, have a nice life, peace out? I do still love her, and care about her, and it pains me to see her cry and beg me for forgiveness. We've been together almost 10 years, grew up together and did a lot of firsts together. Scary to lose all that. Its easy for someone on the outside to just say file for divorce, but when its actually happening to you, you certainly think twice before making a move.

 

My sister in law thinks this is forgivable, all marriages deserve a second chance, and people make mistakes. I think I would agree had it not been so soon after our wedding. I think it would have be easier if we were married 25 years, things got stale or I gave her a reason to stray. But when your blindsided, man oh man...

 

Do wedding vows even mean anything?

Am I wrong for breaking the vow "Through good times and bad, till death do us part"

Or is she wrong for breaking the vow "I promise to be true and faithful to you, I will love and honour you, all the days of my life."

 

The general consensus seems to be file for divorce asap, and not even bother trying to work on it.

 

Divorce is hard, it sucks and there is always some doubt...but you know what's worse? Being with someone you don't trust, someone who lied and betrayed you and doesn't have the balls to admit it, to give your mind peace. 14 months I lived in that state before divorce. If I had it to do all over again I would have filed as soon as I suspected. From the time I suspected to the divorce was pure hell, no one deserves that.

 

Secondly, taking a strong stance tells her you won't accept the behavior, maybe it snaps her around to the point that she will be honest, maybe not. Either way you are on your way to healing and out of infidelity.

[Dobber80]

I realize the fear of starting over at my age is a stupid way of thinking, I get it... but when your down and out, and feeling depressed it's hard to snap out of it...

 

So she came home unexpectedly yesterday to grab something. We started talking, and I basically told her this separation is pointless. She agreed, and said we are just prolonging the inevitable. I told her she can make all of this go away by just taking the damn polygraph, and again she refused. She says she refuses to be treated like a criminal, refuses to be interrogated and reminded every day of what she did. Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She reminded me again that she quit her job for me, has apologized over and over, and regrets what she did, yet it's still not good enough for me. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

She's upset that I'm able to go out with a friend for a beer and wings, yet I won't do anything with her... sooo basically its my fault for not trying to make things work. I'm the bad guy for neglecting her, not showing her affection, and not bringing myself to go out for dinner with her as of late. She's frustrated, tired, and wants her old life back, and if I cant love her the same, or look at her the same, she's telling me to let her go..

 

I told her all she has to do is prove it to me for god sakes. She can ease my mind, and prove she's telling me the truth and then we can start building off of that! Nope, she ain't having any of it. I said fine, you gave me the answer I need and we should start thinking about going separate ways. She was in tears, and said fine, do whatever I have to do she doesn't care anymore.

 

So either A) she's willing to let everything burn to the ground to save her reputation, or B) she's telling the truth and there isn't anything left to tell me. My gut is going with A as much as I don't want to believe it...

 

Before she left I told her I was serious, and this can't go on any longer. We're both dying slowly and wasting time. She started crying again, then pleaded for me not to leave her, and that she wants to be with me forever, and again swore there's nothing more to tell me.

 

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

[Overtaxed]

I realize the fear of starting over at my age is a stupid way of thinking, I get it... but when your down and out, and feeling depressed it's hard to snap out of it...

 

So she came home unexpectedly yesterday to grab something. We started talking, and I basically told her this separation is pointless. She agreed, and said we are just prolonging the inevitable. I told her she can make all of this go away by just taking the damn polygraph, and again she refused. She says she refuses to be treated like a criminal, refuses to be interrogated and reminded every day of what she did. Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She reminded me again that she quit her job for me, has apologized over and over, and regrets what she did, yet it's still not good enough for me. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

She's upset that I'm able to go out with a friend for a beer and wings, yet I won't do anything with her... sooo basically its my fault for not trying to make things work. I'm the bad guy for neglecting her, not showing her affection, and not bringing myself to go out for dinner with her as of late. She's frustrated, tired, and wants her old life back, and if I cant love her the same, or look at her the same, she's telling me to let her go..

 

I told her all she has to do is prove it to me for god sakes. She can ease my mind, and prove she's telling me the truth and then we can start building off of that! Nope, she ain't having any of it. I said fine, you gave me the answer I need and we should start thinking about going separate ways. She was in tears, and said fine, do whatever I have to do she doesn't care anymore.

 

So either A) she's willing to let everything burn to the ground to save her reputation, or B) she's telling the truth and there isn't anything left to tell me. My gut is going with A as much as I don't want to believe it...

 

Before she left I told her I was serious, and this can't go on any longer. We're both dying slowly and wasting time. She started crying again, then pleaded for me not to leave her, and that she wants to be with me forever, and again swore there's nothing more to tell me.

 

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

 

So sorry man. It's definitely sexual, nobody on the planet would get a D just to avoid a poly IF they are telling the truth already. I'd RUN to the poly to prove an EA if my wife was convinced it was a PA. I'd take it 5 times in a row. IF, and only IF, it was only an EA and my wife was going to leave only if it was a PA. You know what the truth is, so does she, and she's gaslighting the hell out of you over this poly. Don't waver, tell her to get out until she either feels like telling you the truth or sitting down for the poly. Trickle truth is one thing, all us BS go through that (except for the poster today who put cameras in the house, bravo, no TT there). But flat out lying like this is simply unacceptable, not if she intends to R. And involving other people in the lie to make you look like a bad guy? Come on, that's beyond manipulative, it's downright evil.

 

File. Maybe she'll come to her senses. If not, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's willing to lie like this.

[HereNorThere]

Good for you, man. Good for you!

 

Feels good to take back some of your control, doesn't it? You saw those messages. You know what happened. You're not stupid. Welcome back to reality, Dobber80!

 

I also wouldn't count out her finally playing her trump card, more trickle. She knows that there's still time left. She's held out for a long time so this is nothing to her. She's cornered, so I would expect a last minute revelation. You know, it was one time. He forced himself upon her. He didn't finish, etc. It was your fault she did it but she lied to protect you.

 

Stay strong! Good to have you back with us. We were worried about you. Let some of these obsessive thoughts go and let the sunlight disinfect this rotten part of your life. One way or another, you're getting out of infidelity.

 

She sucks, dude. You can do better. Cheating aside, she's "stubborn" which is really just code word for narcissistic jerk. She's not really remorseful either. You'll be able to see just how bad it was once you get more distance.

 

Does she know you're going to disclose to OM's wife?

[GoldenR]

You did well...stay strong, brother.

[Friskyone4u]

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

 

Does more than speaks volumes. She cries and wants you to be with her as long as its on her terms. And the fact that she and her idiot mother refer to this as just a little mistake means yup, you will always be wondering. She had the opportunity to make a real attempt to fix this and you are probably very correct assuming it was option A. She has not told you everything and you know it.

[aliveagain]

Refusing a polygraph that she knows is this important to you just screams guilty. She knows that the marriage will go up in flames when she fails the test so why not let it crash and burn with most of her integrity intact. You can't win with someone so cunning and insidious. You told her your requirements, she's refusing your terms, finish what her affair started the termination of your marriage. Have her served.

[Dobber80]

Does she know you're going to disclose to OM's wife?

 

She does not know. But a while ago when I mentioned his wife should know, she flat out said if I tell her, its over and is his responsibility to tell her, not mine lol...

 

She knows I have the texts saved and she may or may not have warned him months ago. If he was warned, he may have already came up with a story with his wife a while ago... This guy is a conniving piece of ****, and given he and my wife did conspire about the messages to me in the beginning (Saying the texts were referring to "massages", I'm sure he came up with a plan to his wife as well.... I hope she hears me out and doesn't slam the door in my face.

[Marc878]

She does not know. But a while ago when I mentioned his wife should know, she flat out said if I tell her, its over and is his responsibility to tell her, not mine lol...

 

She knows I have the texts saved and she may or may not have warned him months ago. If he was warned, he may have already came up with a story with his wife a while ago... This guy is a conniving piece of ****, and given he and my wife did conspire about the messages to me in the beginning (Saying the texts were referring to "massages", I'm sure he came up with a plan to his wife as well.... I hope she hears me out and doesn't slam the door in my face.

 

That's why you do this upfront. It'll be much harder now but your wife is saying his welfare is more important than yours.

[HereNorThere]

This guy is a conniving piece of ****, and given he and my wife did conspire about the messages to me in the beginning (Saying the texts were referring to "massages"

 

She's not the first trickle truthing cheater to claim "massages."

 

[Zona]

Dobber,

 

I think there is one flaw in your approach. You have set up your wife in a lose-lose situation.

 

Let me explain; you know she had sex, she knows she had sex, so that is not the issue, the issue is that she won't admit it.

 

You have said that you will divorce her if she had sex with him (which you know she did). You also said that you will leave her if she doesn't take the poly, which will prove she did. There is no way out for her.

 

I would soften the idea of divorcing her if she admits to sex. Tell her that if she is honest and admits to it, you will reconsider your feelings and options, and you can start talking about it from a foundation of honesty. No 100% threat of divorce if she tells the truth.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Zona

[HereNorThere]

I was thinking this earlier as well. She has to have some sort of incentive because she's selfish. Even if you don't mean it, she still has to think you'd give her a shot if she comes clean. Zona is right on the money with is observation.

[WilyWill]

Your wife is a committed liar. How maddening that she thinks you're neglecting her by leaning on friends for support. What was it called when she was having sex with her boss instead of spending time with you?

 

As much as I'd like to disagree with Zona--because the approach seems a little dishonest--I feel you have the right to be dishonest after what you've been through. Tell her you will consider reconciliation if she is honest about the number of times they had sex and the specific sex acts they performed. Tell her the door is not closed, but you want the marriage to be an honest one from this point forward. Then when she confesses, you can make up your mind.

[Marc878]

It was never a mistake it was a decision she made that put you where you are.

 

You're still in limbo because you want to believe the unbelievable.

 

Staying in denial keeps you stuck.

[JS84]

Personally I think you need to stop giving ultimatums and making threats and have her served with divorce papers (doesn't mean you can't cancel it later if your wife pulls her head out of her ass but I doubt she will in this case). She knows what you require and has refused several times now.

 

If you're going to tell the OM wife do not tell your wife you are doing so or have done so.

[kgcolonel]

Dobber,

 

I think there is one flaw in your approach. You have set up your wife in a lose-lose situation.

 

Let me explain; you know she had sex, she knows she had sex, so that is not the issue, the issue is that she won't admit it.

 

You have said that you will divorce her if she had sex with him (which you know she did). You also said that you will leave her if she doesn't take the poly, which will prove she did. There is no way out for her.

 

I would soften the idea of divorcing her if she admits to sex. Tell her that if she is honest and admits to it, you will reconsider your feelings and options, and you can start talking about it from a foundation of honesty. No 100% threat of divorce if she tells the truth.

 

 

One additional incentive....tell her you may not disclose her behavior to the world if she comes clean. If this makes her confess she's now convicted herself of valuing the protection of the OM over saving the M.

[usa1ah]

I realize the fear of starting over at my age is a stupid way of thinking, I get it... but when your down and out, and feeling depressed it's hard to snap out of it...

 

So she came home unexpectedly yesterday to grab something. We started talking, and I basically told her this separation is pointless. She agreed, and said we are just prolonging the inevitable. I told her she can make all of this go away by just taking the damn polygraph, and again she refused. She says she refuses to be treated like a criminal, refuses to be interrogated and reminded every day of what she did. Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She reminded me again that she quit her job for me, has apologized over and over, and regrets what she did, yet it's still not good enough for me. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake.

 

She's upset that I'm able to go out with a friend for a beer and wings, yet I won't do anything with her... sooo basically its my fault for not trying to make things work. I'm the bad guy for neglecting her, not showing her affection, and not bringing myself to go out for dinner with her as of late. She's frustrated, tired, and wants her old life back, and if I cant love her the same, or look at her the same, she's telling me to let her go..

 

I told her all she has to do is prove it to me for god sakes. She can ease my mind, and prove she's telling me the truth and then we can start building off of that! Nope, she ain't having any of it. I said fine, you gave me the answer I need and we should start thinking about going separate ways. She was in tears, and said fine, do whatever I have to do she doesn't care anymore.

 

So either A) she's willing to let everything burn to the ground to save her reputation, or B) she's telling the truth and there isn't anything left to tell me. My gut is going with A as much as I don't want to believe it...

 

Before she left I told her I was serious, and this can't go on any longer. We're both dying slowly and wasting time. She started crying again, then pleaded for me not to leave her, and that she wants to be with me forever, and again swore there's nothing more to tell me.

 

It doesn't even matter anymore. She refused the polygraph and that speaks volumes, and I can't live forever wondering.. and if she admits to having sex with the guy, I can't live with that either. I'm gonna finally tell his wife, and hope that piece of **** gets what he deserves.. and then start planning for a future without her I suppose.

 

She would that the poly to save the marriage and prove her truth if she wanted to save it.

 

Her refusal says that the marriage is not worth the effort.

 

Have you informed the OM's wife yet?