HereNorThere Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) Yup, really lay it on thick. Tell her you talked to a therapist and he gave you some books to help get over the physical aspects. Show her articles and things where people moved on. You don't want to know about the relationship, just whether she will get std tested, etc. No polygraph, just how many times and whether it was protected because you're worried about your health. Tell her you were wrong too because because "you weren't giving her want she needed" (GAG) and you want to work together with her to make things better. Make her promise that if she admits, she never tells any friends or family because you don't want them hurting your reconciliation, embarrassing you guys, or hurting your careers. You want to delete the evidence and move forward. Sex is just sex, you guys have love. Beat her at her own game. Help her minimize at first. "I know it was a mistake, etc. She's only lying to protect you. You know that she does it all out of love. She was taken advantage of." stuff like that. Ugh, sickening. Edited June 15, 2017 by HereNorThere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Without trust and honesty there isn't much of a real relationship happening. What sort of long-term relationship will be developed without it. The trust has been broken. Whether she had sex or didn't have sex....can you truly trust or believe her about it? If she did, maybe you can get over it, maybe you can't....a lot of male Betrayed Spouses seem to find a way to live with it and move forward in the relationship with that knowledge. You won't know for sure one way or the other until you make it through the fire. One thing is for certain. Loss in trust is what kills the relationship in the short term or long run. Usually, it is a matter of when not if when trust, hope, belief fade and die. If the relationship gets healthy, it is remarkable thing to see grace, love, hope, forgiveness in action. In many ways, the polygraph is her easy way out to help to restore that and begin the recovery process for both of you. The most effective way for her to do this would be to confess to everything and hold nothing back. Then to go take the polygraph. With that, maybe there is a future maybe not. Without it, well, it sounds the it is going to be over and done with sooner or later for one reason or another. There won't be much of a real relationship to work through life problems in the future when they happen. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 From now on out, if she gets pregnant in the future. You will be wondering if someone else is the father. Will she be with you in two years , invest the time, energy, resources, buy the paint color s she likes... Then she falls in love with some other stud she is cheating with and leaves you. What sort of emotional investment can you make in this relationship? One foot in one foot out.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 You're getting some crappy advice my friend. She does not know for SURE that you will do anything certain if she tells the truth . What she does know for sure is that it's going to be a hell of a lot more uncertain if she confesses and she is so selfish , spurred on by her mother , that she is or has been convinced that she can intimidate you into not exposing and rugsweeping it . You can bet your 401k she had see with him, most likely multiple times, and you only have the tip of the iceberg. Her mother knows that too . You have now drawn a line in the sand and you need to file for divorce which you can stop at any time. Think of your options she is demanding (1) no transparency demanding her privacy (2) no exposure (3) you sucking it up and calling it a mistake m She has a SURE as hell way to save her marriage if she is telling the truth. And she chooses to let you divorce her instead . So why do you want to try to soothe her and play games with her . Nonsense Believe me. When she realizes you are not buying what she is selling if she is not lying her ass off she will take the test 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 (edited) For you it's all new! But after knowing + reading thousands of stories, it's embarrassing to say: She is so so unoriginal with her excuses and actions... EVERYTHING she says, are quotes from the cheaters book. Her reluctance to poly, her blame shifting, her saying that she is not a prisoner so you can't force her, her saying why do you make such a big deal out of minor single mistake, her telling you that she doesn't care to married to you and minutes after begging and pleading she want to stay with you for ever... All these are so familiar. I think you're doing remarkable. Have her file as soon as you can. And after you file tell her that you're heading telling his wife. Tell her that she is not your wife anymore, she is definitely not your love, so she has no say about the things you're doing. BTW, maybe OM will confess (or take a poly), so you'll have the truth from her. Edited June 15, 2017 by lolablue17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Her and her mom constantly feel the need to tell me she doesn't deserve to be serving a life sentence for one mistake. She insisted, yet again, that there's nothing more to tell me of her mistake. Classic cheater BS. Like she tripped on the rug and fell on his penis. A mistake is transposing two numbers on your tax return. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 As much as I'd like to disagree with Zona--because the approach seems a little dishonest--I feel you have the right to be dishonest after what you've been through. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting he be dishonest. Just have an open mind and see how her finally admitting to having sex with her sleazy boss behind his back affects him before he makes any final decision about D. The main mistake I think he made was not telling the OM's wife IMMEDIATELY. He could have saved himself a ton of BS. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 Oh, just so we're clear - I'm suggesting you that you be dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 I don't think that her not admitting the truth of whether she had sex with the OM or not is the main problem anymore; I think her not wanting to make sacrifices to save this marriage and not being able to face the true length and consequences of her actions is what matters more. I say it again, if I were in her shoes I'd leave EVERYTHING & EVERYONE behind and focus wholeheartedly on helping my H understand what I did, admit my actions, try to ease his mind in every way I could, try to save my marriage. I would certainly not care about being seen as a criminal (what????) or expose the affair to the OM's wife or whatever other people would think of me. I would be a person having done something bad and I would be ready to humiliate myself in order to save my marriage. OP your wife is treating this like it was a minor thing like breaking the car or destroying your favorite sweaterin the washing machine. She has not realized she disrespected her favorite person in the world, her H, she humilated him, she betrayed him. In her eyes all this was a "oh snap" moment that is forgiven by her so it should be forgiven and forgotten by you as well. This is not right. You know it deep inside you and I'm proud of you for realizing it and choosing to love yourself at this moment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 I don't think that her not admitting the truth of whether she had sex with the OM or not is the main problem anymore; I think her not wanting to make sacrifices to save this marriage and not being able to face the true length and consequences of her actions is what matters more. I say it again, if I were in her shoes I'd leave EVERYTHING & EVERYONE behind and focus wholeheartedly on helping my H understand what I did, admit my actions, try to ease his mind in every way I could, try to save my marriage. I would certainly not care about being seen as a criminal (what????) or expose the affair to the OM's wife or whatever other people would think of me. I would be a person having done something bad and I would be ready to humiliate myself in order to save my marriage. OP your wife is treating this like it was a minor thing like breaking the car or destroying your favorite sweaterin the washing machine. She has not realized she disrespected her favorite person in the world, her H, she humilated him, she betrayed him. In her eyes all this was a "oh snap" moment that is forgiven by her so it should be forgiven and forgotten by you as well. This is not right. You know it deep inside you and I'm proud of you for realizing it and choosing to love yourself at this moment. OP, read that again. You already know she made this "mistake" more than once so that disqualifies it as a mistake. if you had time, and I do not recommend you take time, you will find that WW resist NC, transparency, and look at any accountability as "punishment" or "controlling" are not remorseful in the least and have a much higher percentage of either cheating again or restarting the affair. Your wife is simply sorry she got caught, sorry it is invading her ability to manipulate you, and you have no chance to reconcile with her attitude. Your efforts would be one sided 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Just signed some paper work that made me think of you, OP. I work in I.T. and have access to sensitive data that's worth millions of dollars if it fell into the wrong hands. (Seriously, there's a few people here who know me IRL. I'm not being hyperbolic.) To maintain my access, I have periodic background checks. I had to undergo a pre-employment polygraph and now I just signed over my rights (again) to be subjected to another one. They aren't actually making me take one, they just want me to know they reserve the right to poly, random drug screen, look at my financial records and sadly, medical records as well if they need to. Do I feel like I'm being treated like a criminal? Nope, not at all. I appreciate the fact that they think of worthy enough to be given a shot. This job provides so much to my life. It's very stable, the pay is good, benefits, 4 weeks a year paid vacation plus sick time. I've vested around 80,000 USD in my 401k already, have zero debt, car paid off, etc. Life is good. So do I like having to sign over my life? No, not really. I'm a private person and hate giving them the access they need. To me, it's just worth it. If I can take a polygraph for a job, surely she can take one to save herself from a divorce. That's all I'm saying. Sometimes in life you have to do something you don't really agree with because it's worth it. And for the record, the poly is no freaking big deal. It's not like the movies at all. You walk in, they ask a few question, you wait, they come back and ask a couple of them again, you're done. They are very professional and there's no accusations or deep interrogation. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I agree with everyone about the poly...the thing is, she will take it if she feels it's her only option. Right now she is doing what she has likely done the entire relationship, being an emotional bully. I guessing she has been very successful at it. She figures soon enough he will cave on his demand and then they can continue on like the affair never happened. Once OP gets it in her head that it's the ONLY option she will take it. Or he will at least get more information just enough to back him off. Either way don't give in on this, doing so will almost guarantee the same behavior moving forward with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 Too much talk no action. That's why you're getting nowhere. This happens all to often. Exposure to other mans wife with no warning. Or continue to wallow in this Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted June 16, 2017 Share Posted June 16, 2017 I agree with Marc....with the exposure, comes stress on the relationship with your STBX and the OM.....where is she going to go without him....that being said, this also may make you the fallback. I'd go ahead and expose were it me though. Funny how light causes the dark behaviors to go away. It will also protect your reputation in the community or social network. Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted June 18, 2017 Share Posted June 18, 2017 The next time you talk to her, tell her to talk to her friends and ask them what they would think was going on if they French kissed their boss shortly after they were married. Is it even remotely possible that the person passionately kissing their boss was actually in love with their spouse. Then ask her if they met up late at new gut in a parking lot does that show how much they love their spouse. Not Only has your wife been having an affair, she is wanting to stay married with you for reasons other than love. She didn't want to start a family because she was gambling on her boss coming around. He cost her a good job, why on earth would she still be trying to protect him over you? Because that's what cheater's do, that's why. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Hi Dinner, you've been given a lot of good advice but it seems you are not in the mood to accept it. You have two choices ahead of you. The first is to initiate divorce proceedings and move on with your life. The second is to reconcile with your wife, sweep everything under the carpet and pretend everything is hunky dory till the next time your wife cheats. You can then sweep again and repeat and keep doing this until she decides she's had enough of you and leaves for some one else to make a fool of. There is no third choice. Take your pick. Warm wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 19, 2017 Share Posted June 19, 2017 Looks like OP is gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 She also sent me a text last night, again, saying she loved me. "And yet not enough to do the one thing that might put my mind at rest." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 Please update us when you get a chance, Dobber. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted July 3, 2017 Share Posted July 3, 2017 His wife responses describe a classic case of sexual harassment. Perhaps the title of the thread should read sexual harassment or gas lighting? Her behavior is neither usual or unusual if this is a case of harassment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) Sounds like Dobber80 is still helping hide their affair and looking hard for an excuse to do nothing. She had lots of sex with her boss. A blind man could see this. Lots of talk but no action. If you'd have blow this up as suggested upfront you may have had something to work with but you've shown you can be manipulated so that all you're going to get. Edited July 9, 2017 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Dobber, if you're still monitoring this thread let us know how things are going for you and your wife. Has she budged at all on the poly or come out with any new information? Did you in fact let the om's wife know what her husband and your wife have been up to? I'm sure all of us here have your best interests at heart and are hoping for the best for the two of you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 m sorry she hurt u like that, the single life isnt that bad, i think it would be good for you. lots fish in the sea who dont cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts